or you'll what - hit me with that fish?
now just sit down on the bed and shut up!
i'm not going to rape you.
enough with the raping already! i couldn't rape you if i wanted to.
see? i'm as anatomically impaired as a ken doll.
i'm pissed is what i am. you go around drenching everyone that comes into your room with flameretardent chemicals? no wonder you don't get laid.
metatron. don't tell me the name doesn't ring a bell?
you people. if there isn't a movie about it, it's not worth knowing, right?
metatron acts as the voice of god. any documented occasion when some yahoo claims to have spoken with god, they're speaking to me. or they're speaking to themselves.
ah. so glad you decided to join the conversation. to answer that - human beings have neither the aural nor the psychological capacity to withstand the awesome
all that from two words. color this angel impressed.
oh, you mean besides the fiery entrance and the expansive wingspan? you people kill me. fine. you want more proof? how about a tequila?
the only place one can go for good tequila.
gracias, senor.
actually, we're in the chilli's down the street from your house, but it was still an impressive trick
can you imagine how insulting it is to converse with a person and have them insist you're a dream? if i had an ego, it'd be bruised.
i'm to charge you with a holy crusade.
don't give me that. last time i charged someone with a crusade they had to look the word up.
your's is a heritage divine. also, you didn't seem to be doing much lately.
oh - gracias!
sure. go to new jersey and visit and small church on a very important day. agreed?
aside from the fine print, that's it.
damn, this is good tequila?
that's the problem with you people - you need every-thing clarified. no leaps of faith whatsoever. alright -vou want the whole secret origin? here goes: back in the old days, god was vengeful and hot-tempered, and his wrath was bore by the angel of death - name of loki. when sodom and gommorah were destroyed? that was loki. when the waters wiped out everything with the exception of noah and his menagerie? that was loki. and he was good at what he did. but one day, he refused to bear god's wrath any longer.
because he listened to his friend - a grigori by the name of bartleby.
one of the choirs of angels. they're called watchers. guess what they do?
exactly like that, but different. so one day, loki's wiping out all the first born of egypt.
see? tell a person you're the metatron and they stare at you blankiy; mention something out of a charlton heston movie and they're suddenly theology scholars. may i continue uninterrupted?
maybe to you, but i'm a lush by nature.
for a liberal, yes, but this is the angel of death we're talking about. the angel of death can't be a conscientious objector. the angel of death is charged with meting out whatever justice god demands. so for their insolence, god decreed that neither loki nor bartleby would ever be allowed back into paradise.
worse. wisconsin. for the entire span of human history. and when the world ends, they'll sit outside the gates for eternity.
somebody's clued them in to a loophole in catholic dogma that would allow them to reenter heaven.
it's not that simple. if they get in, they will have reversed god's decree. now listen up because this part is very important: existence in all it's form and splendor functions solely on one principle: god is infallible. to prove god wrong would undo reality and everything that is. up would become down, black would become white, existence would become nothingness. in essence - if they are allowed to enter that church, they'll unmake the world.
no, that's the stupid part: they have no idea what their actions will result in. as far as they know, they're just going home. isn't that sweet?
he could. he could blink them out of existence, destroy that church, turn them into plants. but he'd rather see you take care of this one personally.
because of who you are.
the girl in the p.j.'s. don't ask so many questions just serve your purpose.
i beg your pardon?
do yourself a favor bethany - do the world a favor: let go of your petty crap. it's served you precious little in the past, and it serves you even less now when the fate of existence
and any other day i'd say that's your business and your life, and enjoy yourself and goodnight. but this isn't about you - this is about eve~body. so you lost the abiliry to make life. you're being offered the chance to play mother to the world by acting like one and protecting it - saving it.
they tell me it's god. if it's not, i'm going to be severely pissed - what with all these years of bossing people around on his behalf and expectorating perfectly good tequila.
look at sex. sex is funny. one time i asked him why you people had to look so stupid while procreating. he said if you didn't, you'd do it all the time, just for fun.
i know. and you all look so damn stupid doing it. it kills us upstairs.
the way i understand it, it's mostly a joke down here too.
god. l've always wanted to say that.
i told you you'd be in capable hands - you're not dead are you?
i felt left out. everyone's sitting around coming clean, i thought i'd join in with a confession of mine own.
funny you should mention that - we're not sure.
didn't it ever occur to you that this bartleby. loki situation was well within the realm of his control?
you know those constitutionals he likes to take?
let's not altogether blow some of the mystery that surrounds him, alright?
so it would seem. and as omnipotent as we are above, i have to admit that we're more or less lost without his presence. we've had our people looking everywhere for him. and i tapped her, because i thought we might be able to smoke out whoever's behind this. but whoever it is has been clever enough to send some lackeys after you, as opposed to showing up themselves.
thankfully they seem oblivious to the situation in the nether-regions. i know they're not responsible - at least not lucifer. if he was, he'd have made his move by now to conquer heaven. and i know he's not responsible for bartleby and loki because he'd have just as much to lose by their return as everyone else.
don't be stupid - demons aren't exclusive to hell. anybody can summon one.
no, you said that - i just didn't correct you. you were shocked enough - how do you think you would've taken it if i told you the face of god belonged on the back of a milk carton?
i beg your pardon?
good lord - he's got a point.