rufus it is, miss.
some might say grace.
death is a worry of the living. the dead only worry about decay and necrophiliacs.
knew him? i saw him naked.
no, i'm a man - just like you and him.
it's sanskiit. it says "rufus - see you in two years. jesus." freaked me out because he basically told me when my number was up. took the flavor out of the remaining years. look, we gotta keep moving. if we stay in one place long enough, those things are liable to come back. what say we continue this discussion over something to eat?
they came from hell. i came from heaven.
back in the old days with j.c., we walked everywhere. did you ever hear of a fat apostle?
so it's a good thing, then.
like what?
nasty little bastards called the stygian triplets. they're not really related. when they were alive they were a trio of kids that snatched a neighbor's toddler and smashed it's skull in - "just to see what it looked like" i believe was their defense. they were killed in a car wreck on the way to a detention center.
you'd be surprised how many dead people are just walking around - we're stubborn bastards. thing is, those kids are supposed to be in hell. which means that someone wants you out of the picture so badly they're willing to summon demons.
couldn't be. they're not evil - they're just stupid.
you know what the dead do with most of their time? they watch the living. especially in the shower.
because you're the one who's going to help me get some changes made in that book you all hold so much stock in.
the bible.
i'm not in it.
but i'm supposed to be in it. i was the thirteenth apostle.
see? you know all about the other twelve apostles -white boys, i might add. but no mention of rufus. and why? cause i'm a black man. but that's just my pet peeve. i mainly want to correct a major error that you people are basing a faith on.
jesus wasn't white; he was black.
well he is the son of god, right? it's kind of hard to have the new testament without him. so you fudge a few facts and put a spin on his ethnicity. leaving me out's okay because there's still twelve apostles to choose from.
that's what the good people of antioch were saying when they stoned my ass.
that's one way of putting it. another way is to say i was bludgeoned to shit by big rocks. see - christ told us apostles to go out into the world and spread his word. antioch was already garnering a big christian following, so i got sent there. and was a big hit. they loved hearing about jesus' message, and how he was the redeemer. but when i mentioned he was black, the whole town turned on me - called me a liar and shit. i pressed the point, and before i know it, i'm wearing stones - although not to accessonze.
because it's part of the facts. white folks only want to hear the good shit: life eternal, a place in god's kingdom. as soon as they hear they're getting all this from a black jesus, they freak. and that - my friends - is called hypocrisy. folks just can't accept a black savior.
shit yeah; it was the least the brother could do. i gave up my sheep and followed his ass around jerusalem for three years. and in all that time, did i ever get laid? hell no! but i didn't bitch, because i was into his message. and while the message is what counts, folks should know that he was black. that's why i'm going to help you find stop those angels from getting to that church in exchange for you helping me with my campaign.
heaven's a pretty boring place, and anything that breaks the tedium is news. the unmaking of existence is what you might consider a great tediumbreaker. besides, there isn't much i don't know about you.
when you were five you let a kid from next door piss on your hand.
neither did he. he died of leukemia two years later. his name was.
your exploits - no matter how inane - are well-known in heaven. probably in hell, too.
you think about guys when you do it.
i'm sorty if i spooked you.
that's the way it goes with celebrities.
you sound like christ. he had the same reaction when he found out who he was, minus the quiet girl from the 'burbs angle. and like him, i'm sure you'll come to terms and do what you're supposed to.
just because a guy wears a funny hat, doesn't make him the right man for the job. only certain hands can deliver the world from the brink of destruction. last time it was jesus - this time it's you.
can't say yet. but the question is - are your hands capable enough to carry the burden. it all rides on you.
god hates it when it's referred to as mythology.
long story - forget it. but we should get moving. how can we get to new jersey?
i thought she looked familiar.
the girl's not a woman.
hell, the tubby, coat-wearing mother fucker's got tits - don't make him a woman.
this is the last scion.
don't you see the resemblance?
bethany, serendipity here isn't technically an angel, nor is she by any means a human being like i was and you are.
serendipity's an idea.
if she hadn't interceded, they'd be chalk lines right now.
ain't that the truth.
which brings us to the next logical question - what are you doing stripping?
you were tired of doing all the work and getting none of the credit for your ideas.
writer's block?
another one's that you can't jerk off.
what about that? why'd you choose stripping?
how long are you going to keep this up?
they found a way back.
bethany's catholic.
don't tell me that's who i think it is.
a shit-demon.
he's coming for bethany.
no chance of taking him down?
you're right; let's book.
way to go. tubby.
can you get some answers?
serendipity's going to talk to that demon.
comes from good stock.
not the right time.
the nails.
how you coping, kid?
you sound like the man.
jesus? black.
the brother was centered. i mean, he was god, right? but i think he felt left out because he was more than human, you know? we used to sit around the fire - me and the other guys - and we'd be talking about what ass-holes the romans were or getting laid.
and he'd just sit there listening and smiling. we'd ask him why he never joined in the convo, but he said he just liked to hear us talk; about anything. said it was like music. i think he just wished he had unimportant shit to talk about himself.
he still digs humanity, but it bothers him to see the shit that gets carried out in his name - wars, bigotry, but especially the factioning of all the religions. he said humanity took a good idea and, like always, built a belief structure on it.
i think it's better to have ideas. you can change an idea. changing a belief is trickier. life should malleable and progressive; working from idea to idea permits that. beliefs anchor you to certain points and limit growth; new ideas can't generate. life becomes stagnant. that was one thing the man hated - still life. he wanted everyone to be as enthralled with living as he was. maybe it had
it was more than that. he was the only person i ever knew who never engaged in that most ancient of life-affirming activities.
debate. that's the only way people know how to reaffirm that they're alive - by debating. in all it's forms. people spend their whole lives debating: we fight about who's right and who's wrong, we fight ourselves, we fight each other, we fight death, we fight over beliefs, we fight over fights. we believe that to stop debating - in any fashion -is to stop living and give up. people say that life's a struggle, but it's not. life is living. i'm even guilty of it myself, the way i go on about christ's ethnicity, fighting for the truth to come out. and i'm dead. even in death, the only way i know how to live is through debate. that's sad, isn't it?
a belief's a dangerous thing, bethany. people die for it. people kill for it. the whole of existence is in jeopardy right now because of the catholic belief structure regarding this plenary indulgence bullshit. and whether they know it or not, bartleby and loki are exploiting that belief, and if they're successful, you, me. all of this.  ends in a heartbeat.
i haven't seen the moron twins in awhile.
i'm going to catch a few z's. forgot how tiring living can be.
where the hell is everybody? i wake up, and.
holy shit!
take it easy, bartleby. just let her go and let's talk about this.
there doesn't have to be a slaughter. we can work this out.
it doesn't have to go down like that! you haven't thought about the consequences of re-entry!
it's not a question of pride, it's.
tubby! the door!
a very basic strategy - if your enemies know where you are, then don't be there.
well, i know i'd perceive the person sent to kill me as my enemy.
and how were you going to do that? preoccupy them with a game of bingo?
shut the fuck up, little man - you couldn't kill a pint of ice cream, let alone an angel.
oh yeah? how' would you do it?
this doesn't excuse you from tryng to stop them.
what are you babbling about now?
so you're suggesting she throw in the towel and let eons of work and history get blinked out of existence just so you can get laid?
family ties.
shut up.
most of that information in the bible came from the dead sea scrolls - ancient text discovered in a cave ages ago. and when the sanskrit was translated, they discovered data that conflicted with the lore church officials had already established as the basis of their religion. they couldn't refute centuries of dogma, so they thought it best to leave certain passages out - sometimes whole books. those books make up the apocrypha.
you've never gotten the complete picture. if they had compiled the material together like they were supposed to, you'd get the whole story. but by leaving text out, the church has presented you people with an extremely sterile and unmoving account of religious history. the creation. the entire old testament, the history of christ.
he goes from twelve years old to thirty. whole volumes of text about the eighteen year struggle with his divine nature prior to his acceptance of it were thown out, forever lost to the faithful.
because it was all closely tied in with his family.
his brothers and sisters.
mary gave birth to christ without having known a man's touch - that's true. but she did have a husband. and do you really think he'd have stayed married to her all those years if he wasn't getting laid? the nature of god and the virgin birth - those are leaps of faith. but believing a wife never humped her husband - that's just gullibility.
all the time, from what i understand. jesus used to tell me stories about hearing them through the walls when he was a kid.
the blood that flows in your veins shares a chromosome or two at the genetic level with the man you call jesus.
i just wish i knew what the hell we're supposed to do now?
the voice.
what are you doing here anyw'ay?
this is the voice of god - show some respect.
if that's the case, then why was bethany tapped?
i think we're beyond euphemisms at this point.
maybe he was killed? human form has that drawback.
so god's not dead.
can it be lucifer?
then what about the golgothan and the triplets?
so what do we do now?
'we'? you're back in?
kind of like the tobacco industry?
these guys could blow, and if they do, they're going to take some people with them. call this thing off.
i'm telling you man. this ceremony is a mistake.
what about the church's silent consent to the slave trade?
it's a crime that a guy like him even gets to wear a scarlet cape.
you stole the cardinal's driver?
let them keep it. in a couple of hours, it won't matter anyway.
we have no choice but to try to kill them.
is that who i think it is?
meaning?
bartleby and loki.
ten steps ahead of you.
was jesus down?
they could already be in the church.
'fraid not.
i think our bethan's about hit her ceiling.