showtime.
oh yah-sure, i know what some of your big city, no bra wearin', hairy-legged women's libbers say, "pageants are old- fashioned" and, uh, and "demeaning" to the girls --
uh.  you betcha, iris. yah-i think yous boys'll find that things are different here in mount rose.
today's "to do" list includes a trip to the mall of america. we need outfits for the "physical fitness" number --
y'betcha, iris. we still need a third judge and we need to think of a theme.
oh, my! hello, father donigan! sidewalks, sidewalks?
you'd think they'd build the parking lot of america to go with the mall of america!
i said i'd move if a cripple came. let's just run in the store and pick out some outfits.
wait! wait! wait! wait! wait! wait! wait! i just thought of the theme.
last year? it was, "buy american."
"u.s.a. is a-okay."
"can i? i'm amer-i-can!" people ask me where i get this. i don't know, it's. maybe a gift from god or somethin'.
oh, yeah, sure. you know, every pageant is special, but this one is extra-special to me. when i was seventeen, i don't know if you know this, but i was crowned mount rose's american teen princess. and this year. drum roll please, my lovely daughter, rebecca ann leeman is competin'.
well, you know, i think everyone's doing really well considering the fact that she was so young.
you know that sometimes it's hard to understand god's great plan.
but the show must go on. i gotta get a hold of ted and ask him if we can use that barn light as a spot again. so you watch the jell-o salad, okay?
oh, lester. he loves his weather, y'know.
we're not in the showroom, dear.
lester?
"impartial?" outside this house i'm gladys leeman, president, civil servettes - impartial as the day is long. but we're inside my home now and i've gotta warn you, i'm wearin' my "wife apron" and "mom hat." so, i can safely say that i'm the mother of the most talented contestant mount rose has ever seen.
i'll field that one - rebecca's saving her voice.
sammy davis, jr., honey.
yah-then, for the "judges interview," each girl has a ten minute get-together with the judges before the pageant.
yes, the judges interview.  each girl has a ten minute get-together with the judges prior to the pageant. then we have the.
"hey" to the folks.
so, remember the three most important parts of a good interview.
number one, american teen princess' don't cross their legs like streetwalkers.
all right. number two: the judges are as nervous as you are.
i'll be honest. this is a hard time for me. this is the part of the pageant when you realize that tomorrow night, all but one of these girls will walk out of here a loser. it's hard for me to know how that must feel, but i'm sure it doesn't feel good.
welcome, welcome. okay, alright, now. is this for me or the gown?
yah-so how kbout a big round of applause for last year's mount rose american teen princess, in a farewell performance. who could forget her lip- synching to "don't cry out loud," by melissa manchester. and here she is, mary johanson!
get back! get back, you total retard!
i'm okay, i'm okay - dress is fine. i'm okay. well, our other judges are jean kangas and john dough.
thank you, thank you. you know, i won the talent contest by sewing these culottes, butterick pattern 7-4-3-2. can you believe it? they still fit!
thank you, thank you. our next eontestant is ready, so let's welcome her: tess weinhaus!
huh?
oh really - i don't think so. uh, amber, i hate to be the bearer of bad news, but rules state that a costume must be okay'd at least a week in advance. and this.  this is why we have the rule. my goodness gracious, i couldn't allow a neckline this low on stage. we have kids in the audience.
oops, that's my cue.
thank you, molly.
now, it's with overwhelming pride that i introduce contestant number six, who also happens to be president of her class - two years running - a member of the honor roll and the new president of the lutheran sisterhood gun club - rebecca ann leeman!
boy, i'd hate to follow that. wow!
welcome back, everyone. judges. our second runner-up and winner of a fifty-
our next prize, a seventy-five dollar scholarship --
she's the winner and we're going to state.
hey! turn that float around. you think a swan's gonna swim ass first up main street?
c'mon, rebecca, you wanted it. now get up there. ride it side-saddle if you have to - like a horse. c'mon, now.
oh for chrissakes, everything smells like that in mexico.
listen, little missy, this cost your dad a pretty penny. now get your ass up there and show me some teeth.
okay, i designed the float, you know. and, what's gonna happen here is that this is going to look like a glistening lake beneath the swan.
what!
this is -- what?
i swear to god she can't do anything by herself.
oh my god! my baby! the swan ate my baby! ow-ow-ow! get up, rebecca! get outta there! we've gotta go to state! oh hot! oh, damn. i like this blouse. rebecca! get up, angel face. time to go to state! ow-ow-ow!
guess it wasn't a garage sale as much as it was a bake sale. ah- hahahahahahahaha!
becky was my only shot at state!
let go! let go of me. oh my god, it's cops!
uh-huh. no, no. gosh, no. you know i still don't want to be on camera.
yah - i just wanna say - that little bitch better watch her back at nationals kcause i'm makin' friends on the inside.  yah-friends who have friends on the outside.
gotta go.
come on out, you little blonde piece of trailer park trash!