never mind that stuff.
take a card.
you can keep it -- i've got a whole pack.  now what were you saying?
how late do you stay open?
well, i won't stand for much. and i won't stand for you if you don't show some improvement soon. look at your report card last month -- "d" in spelling.  six in behavior. now who were the six? a fine state of affairs -- no wonder you can't matriculate, now what were you saying?
i haven't been on the job five minutes and already she's making advances to me. not that i care -- but where is your husband?
no wonder he passed away. i'd like to be with you to the very end. can't you see what i'm trying to tell you -- i love you.
you're not so bad yourself, mrs. teasdale, when i look at you i can see that we're facing a crisis. we've got to balance the budget -- we've got to cut down everything including, you.
that's even a greater honor.
i'll keep the greetings -- but you can send back the good will.  what we need right now is twenty million dollars.
well, in the meantime, could you let me have $50 personally?
i'll tell you what i'll do. i'll give you mrs. teasdale as security. or my jackknife. if you want my advice, you'll take the jackknife.  i've a better proposition.  make it $25 and i'll give you a first mortgage on my son and i hope you foreclose.
why yes. i met you at the dog races -- say, you could have won that race if you tried a little harder.
go ahead.
and vera niece, too.
you couldn't hang me in your bedroom -- i'll make a note of it. where's my secretary?
take a letter.
the president of the united states.
my dear president.  read it back.
that doesn't sound right.  take out "president".  now read it.
that's not right yet.  put back "president" and take out "dear".  how does it read now?
there's still something wrong with it.  take out "president" . now what've you got?
now we're on the right track.  put back "dear".  how does it read?
you can't say that to the president.  put back "president".  now let's hear how sounds.
that's what i wanted in the first place. tear it up and send it airmail.
take another letter.  to my tailor.
dear sir.  enclosed find check for $100. yours very truly.  send that immediately.
you do and i'll fire you.
well, a gal a day is enough for me. i couldn't handle any more.
these are the laws of my administration: no one's allowed to smoke or tell a dirty joke -- and whistling is forbidden.
if chewing gum is chewed, the chewer is pursued and in the hoosegow hidden.
if any form of pleasure is exhibited report to me and it will be prohibited. i'll put my foot down; so shall it be - this is the land of the free. the last man nearly ruined this place he didn't know what to do with it. if you think this country's bad off now just wait 'till i get through with it. the treasury is low on dough; the last man went and flew with it. if you think we're short of money now just wait 'till i get through with it. the country's taxes must be fixed - and i know what to do with it, if you think you're paying too much now, just wait 'till i get through with it.
if anyone gets fresh with me, i'll show him who's the boss; i'll stand upon my dignity, and toss him for a loss. and this will be the penalty for those who doublecross - we'll stand 'em up against the wall, and pop goes the weasel
i will not stand for anything that's crooked or unfair; i'm strictly on the up and up, so everyone beware. if anyone's caught taking graft and i don't get my share, we'll stand 'em up against the wall - and pop goes the weasel!
if any man should come between a husband and his bride, we find out which one she prefers by letting her decide. if she prefers the other man, the husband steps outside; we stand him up against the wall and pop goes the weasel!
the population must increase with great rapidity. we give a couple seven years to raise a family. if, by that time, there is no branch upon the family tree, we stand 'em up against the wall - and pop goes the weasel.
that's what i get for dressing in a hurry.
i wrote a speech last night that'll knock them off their seats.  four score and seven years ago, our fathers brought forth on this continent a new nation --
he did?.  i told my son not to leave it laying around.  where is son?
send for my car.
to the house of representatives.  ride like fury.  don't stop for any signals and don't wait for a corner to make a turn.  see if you can break a record.
a fine thing -- leaving the head of the nation at the foot of the stairs.
that concludes the nine o'clock sprints.  next saturday night the winner of the six day bicycle race will receive ten thousand dollars in gold.  the following morning we go off the gold standard.
the secretary of agriculture was a little flat.  i move we open the morning session.  has anybody got a cork screw?
what's to stop you from digging one.  and after you dig a river, how're ya gonna cross it without a bridge? we've got to have a bridge to stop people from going places -- then we've gotta stop them from coming back. if you're worried about the expense we can have a bridge with only one end -- and if that's a success we can do away with it altogether. i'm telling you that what this country needs is --
if there's one thing we don't need right now -- it's peanuts -- gentlemen, what good is a bridge if you haven't got ammunition to blow it up.  ammunition was never cheaper.  right now, you can get two cannons for the price of one and shoot twice as far for half the money.  with every five thousand dollar purchase we throw in a big bertha.  if you don't like her, you can throw her right out again. i tell you no country can protect itself without --
i'm a man of one word.  scram!!!
go out and chase that peanut vendor away from the building -- get rid of him if you have to use violence - if necessary call out the militia and if he isn't looking get me a bag of peanuts.
he won't eh? - we'll see about that - send for your father immediately.
never mind then, i'll get in touch with him myself -
i'll get rid of that pest - watch me --
hey you!!
have you got a license?
what kind of a dog is he?
well - what is he now?
half watch dog?
i don't know much about dogs but you ought to be on the end of a leash - a ninety-nine year leash - look - what do you call your dog?
what do you whistle?
i've got just the place for a man like you but i'm too busy right now to do any digging. what do you call your dog when you want him?
well, if you don't want your dog why don't you put him in a pound?
i can use you in the house of representatives. we need a man who understands dogs -- and that's where this country is going to. step inside.
in case of fire, how long will it take to empty this place?
we'll start a fire -- -- and get rid of these microbes.
i'm sorry i'm not in. i wanted to have a long talk with you.  now look here, my good man, you've got to stop yelling "peanuts" in front of the house of representatives.
you don't want to be a public nuisance, do you?
you wouldn't consider going over niagara falls without a barrel?
did you shoot the rapids?
if there was an open season for fellows like you, i'd get myself a hunting license. anyway, i'm going to make you a sporting proposition. you give up the peanut stand and i'll make you vice-president of the country.
well, maybe he's still the vice- president. now if i were to offer you --
i don't know what's keeping me. i should've been here a long time ago. now how about my proposition?
let's see -- what've i got in my cabinet besides mice -- i've got it -- how would you like to be secretary of the interior?
then you don't wanna work hard?
in that case you'll have to take a civil service examination -- if you pass i'll put you in the post-office -- stick out your tongue.
well, if you wanna work in the post- office you'll have to stick out your tongue.
i've got just the job for you -- secretary of war.
you know, i'd be lost without a telephone. now - where were we? oh, yes - i just made you secretary of war. the first thing you do is buy ammunition -- you buy it from me and i get 10% commission.
you get half mine and i get half yours.
then we've gotta start one. do you know how to start a war?
my card.
why wasn't i insulted?
then i demand an apology!
you've got a brain after all - and how you get along without it is amazing to me -- now, who can i insult?.  who do we owe money to?.  ambassador trentino! how about him?
why didn't his niece slap your face?
what did you say to her?
you're lucky i don't slap your face -- you oughtta be ashamed of yourself. where did you hear that story?
oh, yes, i remember -- and i should have slapped mrs. teasdale's face when she told it to me.  i'm going right out and find trentino. you go right out and get yourself an army.
wait a minute. what kind of an army do you think we oughtta have?
to mrs. teasdale's residence!
this is the fifth trip i've made today and i haven't been anywhere yet.
when you get through with her feet, you can start on mine. i haven't been to a chiropodist in two years.  if that's not an insult, i don't know what is. gloria, i love you. i --
what can this mug offer you? wealth and family. i can't give you wealth.  . but we can have a little family of our own.
all i can offer you is a rufus over your head.
i wouldn't know what to say either if i was in your place. maybe you can suggest something.
well, why not say the least and get it over with?
that's what you think.
give me that again!
once more!
that's it! no man lives who can call a firefly an upstart.
touch.
you keep that up and you'll crab the whole war.
then it's war?
how're ya fixed for ammunition?
then it's war!
then it's war!
gather the forces!
harness the horses!
then it's war!
by the way, are you sure we need a spy?
i don't go in much for modern art. have you got anything by one of the old masters?
i'm glad i didn't ask you for "washington crossing the delaware".
you ought to carry a spare.
we're certainly living in a marvelous age.
if we can't use him as a spy, we can have him framed.
let's take a look at number eighteen.
that's not bad for any day.
maybe my eyes are bad - you take a look.
you're right about that guy -- i think we've got something.
why not come over here? -- you can come in the back way and no one'll see you.
if i knew you were here i would've brought some cheese.
so -- you've come to ask for clemency! i'll give the enemy no quarter -- not a dime.
let him patch up his own breeches.
forget? you ask me to forget.  why, my ancestors would rise from their graves.  and i'd only have to bury them again.  a firefly never forgets.
nothing doing!! i've taken a lease on the battlefield. i'd lose my deposit, besides, i've already ordered the ammunition.
yes, but i'll talk to you about that when we're alone.
well, maybe i am a little headstrong.  but, you know, it's awfully hard to forget what he called me.
i don't remember.
no, that wasn't it.
no.  it was a seven letter word.
that's it.
i still like upstart the best.
of course. who ever heard of calling off a war after ordering all the ammunition?
the plans of war are in this envelope. i want you to take care of them -- no one will ever suspect you.
guard them with your life.  don't leave them out of your sight.  if the enemy gets those papers we're lost. if they don't get them, we're lost. can't you see what i'm trying to tell you? i love you.  mrs. teasdale, you're the salt of the earth. they don't come any better than you.
well -- they might come better but they don't come any bigger.  and the bigger the better. the bigger the betta you've got on a horse, the more you lose, and speaking about horses, why don't you marry me. come, come -- say yes and you'll never see me again. i'll go 'way if it means your happiness.
swell chance i've got taking you off your feet.
gloria -- may i call you gloria?
you can call me gloria too. gloria -- what a beautiful name. when i was born my mother named me gloria -- two minutes later she found out her mistake.
take a letter.
none of your business.  take another letter.
eureka ammunition company -- gentlemen -- your shipment of sailor hats arrived this morning by freight -- gloria, i could go for you in a big way -- however, the rifles you sent were a little rusty -- -- and i don't say that to everybody -- have not received last month's drawing account. how come? your neck is like a swan.  yours very truly. now read it back.
they'll know i mean business then they get that letter.  see that that gets out immediately and that goes for you too.
gloria, much as i hate to leave, i'd be crazy to stay here.
i'm not taking any more chances. you sit in the sidecar.
this is a fine thing to be doing at my age.
not at all. when i was a boy back on the farm i used to pump my own water.
tired! i'd like to stretch this into a week -
take a seat -- you're next.
that's all right. i'll fix you right up.
what ?
don't bother me - i'm thinking -- what was that?
this is treason!! what a fool i was to listen to your siren song and fall a helpless victim under the insidious spell of your irresistible charms --
you satisfied your selfish whims, while nations tottered, dynasties rocked and the world plunged headlong into a chasm of chaos and oblivion -- not bad, eh?
hands up!
who said i had a gun.  gimme those plans, you paper snatchers --
here -- put these plans where no one will ever find them - sleep on them.
you come over here. there are no burglars in my house.
that woman is crazy.  there are no burglars around here.
they're coming.  ride through every village and town wake every citizen up hill and down tell them the enemy comes from afar with a hey-nonny-nonny and a ha-cha- char
there'll be two lamps in the steeple if they're coming by land and one lamp if they're coming by sea.
they double-crossed me.  they're coming by land and sea -- be off, my lad!
either there's a fly in the room or we've got a soldier in africa.
bad news -- its disastrous!
private moscowitz quits!
clear all wires.
the enemy has taken hill 25, throwing twelve hill-billies out of work.  our front is exposed to the enemy -- we'll have to bring up the rear.  p.s. have misplaced flag of truce.  look in upper lefthand drawer of my bureau.
late again, eh? you haven't been on time once since this war started.  get out there and fight.
why not? you're the secretary of war, aren't you?
is that so? i used to think you were two-faced - but you can't be - or you wouldn't be wearing that one. now - let's talk this thing over.
now -- how many men you got in your army?
that's not fair -- we've only got fifty thousand.
that's the spirit -- fifty-fifty.
well, we'll let that one go. now -- how many battalions you got?
i wish you were still working for me, so i could ask you to resign. how're ya fixed for cavalry?
that's funny, we've got five thousand horses but no men.
not a bad idea. if our horses get tired they can ride your men for a change. now, i don't mind letting you have our horses, but you must promise to put them through their maneuvers.
acme ammunition company, eh? how do you expect to win the war with shells that don't go off? now, if you were buying your stuff from me, you wouldn't have that trouble. eureka ammunition is guaranteed to explode -- or your money back. let me show you some samples.
bring in no. 47, line 8.
that's our latest number.  our sixteen-inch horowitz gun. load it up.
with a gun like that you can kill some of your own men.
anything else?
fine. we'll throw in the matches before we make the delivery. by the way, how're you fixed for spys?
so! -- he's on your side, too.
well, with you two fellows on the other side, this country should have no trouble keeping the wolf from the door.
boys, i hate to do this, but if you generals want this war to continue you'll have to take a cut --
we can't afford to pay the money we've been paying. now i don't want to lay anybody off. my motto in this war is: - "live and let live".
gentlemen, the overhead is killing us. everything is going up. if we don't watch ourselves, we'll come down with a crash. now -- all those in favor of taking a cut say "aye".
carried unanimously.
now go right out there and fight. you go out there and relieve general beauregard, and while you're at it, see what general motors is doing.
call him back -- he didn't salute me.
attention!
go out there -- all of you -- and bring those generals back -- dead or alive.
why don't those generals come back?
never mind, i'll go after them myself.
hey, junior!
get my rifle.
i'll get rid of them.
take a letter.
to whom it may concern.  dear gloria: the air has done me a world of good. i am five thousand feet above sea level speeding home to you. can you arrange to meet me at twenty-five hundred feet? -- which is only asking you to meet me half way. don't be surprised if i drop in on you any minute.  your fun- loving dictator.
from what i have been gathering, i think they think i should be king: i think they think i should be king!
and wear a crown and everything.
you know i think they think i should be king. although it would please me to govern the throng, suppose i were king and then everything went wrong.
of course you're all aware a king must have an heir some one to pass the family name along will some one tell me where i'd ever get an heir if a king can do no wrong
suppose a pretty dame into my castle came - and let us say that i was going strong. she might be stuck on me, but what good would it be, if the king can do no wrong.
king solomon was game he gave each girl his name to number them would make a list that long i'll bet his thousand wives led miserable lives if the king can do no wrong.
they think i should - they think i should - they think i should - they think i should be king.
no, no, this is the one.
that was awfully good, i think i'll have a second helping.  waiter.
if i don't stop eating i'll get indigestion.
ambassador, how's the food?
that's all i wanted to know.
i couldn't eat another thing. ladies and gentlemen, i want to introduce to you a man who is a prince of good fellows, generous to a fault, his own worst enemy and a devil in his own hometown.
thanks, i didn't expect to be called upon.  however, in conclusion i want to tell you that i promised mrs. teasdale i'd marry her if we won the war.  well, we won the war and i'm stuck.  to the victor belongs the spoils.
in union there is strength.
i feel that we are taking a step in the right direction, and that's what i call balling the jack.
now is not the time for political temporizing, all interests must be sacrificed for the common weal.
all those who want to place their money on the wheel, step inside, faint heart never won fair lady.  money won't grow in your pocket like the hair on your head and now is the time for all good men to come to the aid of their party.