okay, gang, single file. you know the rules: no pushing, no humping, and no sniffing heinies.
the same reason you're not on a leash, sir because it's demeaning and it chafes like hell.
you kids stay right here.
hey, wait a minute!
i got fired again.
none taken. were you shitcanned, too?
why'd you quit?
why didn't you wait and see if your suspicions were well-founded?
you know, the thing that really chaps my ass is that i just spent my life savings turning my van into a poodle. the alarm alone cost me two hundred.
what are you talking about? it's only six years old.
what's with the briefcase?
huh?
what's in it?
why not?
can't recognize them. could be student loan thugs again, or the irs, or maybe somebody pissed off about that case of girl scout cookies you bounced a check on.
well, whoever they are, they look serious. one of them's even wearing plaid.
yeah, and that was because of a blizzard
come on, stan. i'm sure you can find something else for us. how about another crack at that suicide hotline?
get robitussin it's a better buzz.
where's the booze?
it gets worse, lloyd. my parakeet petey he's.  he's dead.
his head fell off.
yeah, he was pretty old.
nah, i bought him used.
okay, calm down.
yeah, and go where?
aspen?
i don't know, lloyd, the french are assholes.
what are you talking about, lloyd? his head fell off. wait a second, i know what you're up to. you just wanna go to aspen so you can find that girl who lost her briefcase and you need me to drive you there.
i don't know, lloyd. i think we should stay here, hunt for jobs, and keep saving money for the worm store. i'm getting a little sick and tired of always running from creditors.
come on, lloyd. give us a kiss.
petey, i made a promise to you once, man.  . and i'll be damned if i can remember what it was.
been run out of town?
what?
because we just cleared the danger zone.
don't you know anything, lloyd? ninety percent of all accidents happen within five miles of home. we've already traveled 6.3 miles.
where'd you get those?
lloyd, i thought we agreed to confer on all expenditures. we're on a tight budget, remember?
where'd you get twenty-five extra bucks?
you mean the blind kid?
what did you sell him, lloyd?
specifically?
but lloyd, petey didn't even have a head.
how far have we gone?
shit. we're gonna need a smaller map or we'll never get there. we don't have enough gas money.
i believe you're wrong, lloyd.
i still say wrong, lloyd.
i don't bet.
i mean i don't gamble, you know that. never have and never will.
there's no way, lloyd. you can't do it.
you're wasting your money, lloyd. i already told you, i don't gamble.
sorry, pal, no way.
you got yourself a bet, sucker!
actually, this chocolate milk isn't mixed very well. could you please bring me a spoon?
what's the matter?
what for?
it was a terrible accident, sir. believe me, i would never do anything to offend a man of your size. please accept my most sincere apology.
um.  the thought had crossed my mind.
nah, you go ahead.
perfect. i'm out eight bucks and i still haven't eaten.
lloyd, what are you doing? you know we can't afford to buy them drinks.
oh, and put these on there, too.
i hope we never have to.
i hope so.
are you crazy? i'm not stopping now. what if they figure out we went the other way. they'll be on us in no time.
hold it.
well.  just take a whiz in an empty beer bottle. there's a couple on the floor in the back seat.
yes, i'm serious. i'm not stopping now. we could get killed. lloyd sighs. he takes an empty beer bottle from the back seat and unzips his fly. suddenly we hear a peeing sound. then:
what's the matter?
well stop going.
i'm sorry, lloyd. i'm doing the best i can.
what are you, a goddamn camel?
huh?
no, it's a cardigan! but thanks for noticing!
jesus, what is this, the fashion police?
yes, sir, we had a little.  ifficulty in the car.
no, sir.
oh, that's nothing, sir.
sir, i wouldn't trooper --you'd keep your mouth shut if you knew what was good for you.
i don't know, lloyd, i feel a little sleazy staying here when we're not even engaged.
what's that?
that's two things, lloyd.
i don't know, lloyd, these places just don't do it for me. brings back too many memories.
nah, it was a girl. fraida felcher. we stayed at a place like this once no-tell motel out on route 31.
the same. we had this incredibly romantic time. boy, i thought we'd be together forever.
i called her up and she gave me some crap about me not listening to her enough or something like that. i wasn't really paying attention.
thing that really hurts is i think she was seeing another guy. never id find out who.
you're it.
anti-quitsies. you're it. quitsies. no anti-quitsies. no startsies.
refresh my memory on something, lloyd: what exactly do we do when we get to aspen?
fresh, huh?
wow.  talk about paradise. and after we're finished breathing, what next, lloyd?
thanks.
about this social scene how do you expect a couple mutts like us to make a splash in the land of pedigrees when we don't even have any money?
where'd you hear that?
i don't know, lloyd.
money does terrible things to people. i mean, we could lose our friendship.
what?
what?
i think this guy's in trouble. why on't you pull over.
it's a fruit.
i'm telling you, it's a fruit.
tell you what, why don't we leet an impartial judge decide.
hey, mr. mentalino, settle our bet: are jelly beans fruits or vegetables?
and?
you're the best, man. okay, my turn.
come on, mr. mentalino. let one fly. it's only a buck.
i'll do one if you will.
no, you go first.
yeah, more tingly than hot.
that really wasn't very polite of him, was it? maybe we should loosen the screws of his chair.
you mean like 'turn the other cheek?'
here he comes.
the briefcase isn't even ours. some lady just left it at the airport. we're bringing it back to her.
hey, you okay, man? it was just a goof.
i can't believe it.
but he blamed me. you heard him. those were his last words.
small comfort coming from a man who sells dead birds to blind kids.
oh yeah. wow. what a relief.
let's get off and crash at a motel before i crash into one. i need a crib fast.
what happened to the dough?
on what?
wait a second one burger put us over budget?
oh. so what are we gonna do?
come on, wake up. you pay, i'll pump.
skis, huh?
great.
they yours?
both of 'em?
cool.
that's a lot of luggage for a little vacation.
here, this is a little loose.
allow me.
look, um, maybe when i get to aspen we can meet up.  you know, for hot chocolate or something.
look, why don't you just tell it to me, i've got a good memory.
positive please hurry.
you've got some serious explaining to o, young man.
sure thing, lloyd. i promise not to mention another word about you being in a bathroom stall with a six-foot, five-inch trucker with his pants own.
not at that height it's not.
i think it's about time we pull over and change seats. i've been driving for nine straight hours i don't have the energy to start a new state.
how long have i been out?
great. we must be getting real close, huh?
good man.
that's awful. did you see them get hit or were they already lying there?
funny. i expected the rocky mountains to be a little rockier than this.
yeah, it really is. wait a minute when did you visit des moines?
what are you talking about? you were snoring like a baby when we went through des moines.
uh, lloyd, refresh my memory: doesn't the sun rise in the east and set in the west?
then perchance you can explain to me why the sun is in our face at 7:30 in the morning when we're heading west.
you know, i got half a mind to just jump on the bus to europe and say goodbye to your ugly mug forever.
oh yeah? why not?
a tad? lloyd, you drove almost a sixth of the way across the country in the wrong direction. now we don't have enough money to get to aspen, we on't have enough money to get home, we don't have enough to eat, we don't have enough to sleep!
you know, you're absolutely right, lloyd.
home. i'm walking home.
why not? we're probably only five miles away.
look, man.  i'm sorry. i never should have let you talk me into this in the first place. you've got a good reason to goo a beautiful girl's waiting for you. but let's face it, lloyd, there's nothing waiting for me in aspen. there's nothing waiting for me anywhere.
where'd you find this baby?
well let me put it this way, lloyd: do you remember when we were cub scouts and we got lost in the woods uring that blizzard? we huddled together all night, and we made an oath that if we ever got out of there alive we'd never ever leave each other's side again. do you remember that?
exactly.
what the hell is this? there's a coffin in the back!
i don't give a shit. i'm not driving anywhere with a casket. you know i'm superstitious calm down. we'll dump it off first chance we get.
how about food and shelter?
jolly good idea, chap. and where oes the lovely young lady reside?
well what's her last name? we'll look it up in the phone book.
what about the briefcase, lloyd? there must've been a name on it, right?
what is it?
any soup left?
please.
hey, you got something stuck in your front teeth. lloyd picks a small speck out of his mouth and studies it.
wanna split it?
i'm freezing my ass off, lloyd.
it is rolled up.
what anti-cold system?
to warm up.
i'm worried about how you're gonna survive the pummeling i'm about to give you.
get over here and take your medicine, lloyd!
something i should've done a long time ago. this stupid thing has been the root of our problems all along.
foolish? this is the most sensible thing i've done in years. i'm gonna toss this goddamn curse right into that river. lloyd starts to follow after harry.
you're bluffing.
that's a filling, you liar!
i used to have a life! a miserable one, but a life, nonetheless!
sounds good.
we'll be meticulous right down to the last penny.
absolutely. we're good for it.
it'll come right out of our first paycheck.
oh. then go ahead and send thim up. what are their names?
one of everything? lloyd.
oh god, it's really true. last night i thought i might've been dreaming.
and it was so simple. all it took was somebody else's money.
you know, lloyd, i think you might've gone a little overboard with the spending today.
sure, but do you really think you needed to buy those two surfboards?
ahhh. i was wondering why you had those bindings put on them.
i bought it.
i like the feel of it against my skin.  . i mean, you know, when a woman's wearing it.
look, leave me alone. i'm rich now. i'm supposed to have a few eccentricities.
cocktail hour has commenced!
hey, later on what do you say we?
lloyd.  you okay?
who?
come on, cinderella, it's time to get you ready for the ball.
i'm kind of hungry, lloyd. what if we want seconds?
relax, lloyd. these people are just like you and me.
so what? we can be sophistica holy shit, would you look at the fun bags on that hose hound.
look, let's just go saddle up to the bar and down a couple bowls of loudmouth soup. a little booze'll bring back that old lloyd christmas over-confidence.
i didn't say anything.
how do you know what i was gonna say?
okay, if you read me like a book then what was i gonna say?
lloyd, i've never seen you this uptight. you've gotta chill out.
what are you talking about? i went out with fraida felcher for two and a half weeks.
that's crazy. we live for the c word.
oh.
wow. you weren't kidding, lloyd. she's an angel. well, what are you waiting for? get over there and talk to her.
you have her briefcase she's gonna be thrilled to see you.
look, man, you just drove two thousand miles to see this girl. don't quit on the last fifty feet.
i can't tell her you're good looking, lloyd she's got eyes.
all right. but you're gonna owe me a big one for this.
nice set of hooters you got there.
the owls. they're beautiful.
well, i used to have a parakeet, but my main area of expertise is canines that's dogs to the layperson.
oh, i've trained them, bathed them, clipped them; i've even bred them.
nah, mostly just doggie-style. but one time we successfully mated a bulldog and a shitzu.
yeah. we called it a bullshit. just a little breeder joke.
anyway, the real reason i came over is because i want to introduce you to a friend of mine.
harry dunne. pleasure meeting you both.
you were?
really?
anyway, about my friend you doing anything tomorrow, mr. dunne? because i believe mary's looking for somebody to hit the slopes with. whuh?
oh, i don't know. you see, my friend your friends for one day. you and mary will have a ball.
um.  well.  i don't know. you see, the thing is.  sure.
relax, you're golden. i got you a ate with her tomorrow.
okay, get a grip, lloyd. you're making a scene.
i think we've done enough hobnobbing, lloyd.
sounds nice, lloyd, but don't you think you may be jumping the gun a little? i mean, who knows, when you get to know her, you may find out she's not your type.
that's what she said. ten o'clock sharp.
i, uh, thought while you were making your love connection i'd try my luck on the slopes.
these aren't tights. they're fashionable euro-trash ski trousers.
really?
you're right. i can't go out dressed like this.
sorry i'm late. it's a bitch driving a clutch with these things.
glorious.
why not?
thanks.
oh, look.  frost.
sure. i do this all the time.  cut to:
see ya at the bottom.
hi. say, kids, you wouldn't happen to have a cup of warm water, would you?
i'm fine, i'm fine. it'll come off.
my pleasure, mary.
better make it quarter to eight. i've got a few things to take care of first.
mary dunne.  mrs. mary dunne.  got a nice ring to it.
it doesn't make any sense, lloyd. she told me ten o'clock sharp. are you sure you went to the right bar?
i have a hard time believing that, lloyd. the girl said she couldn't wait to see you again.
wait a minute.
it just occurred to me. she must've meant ten o'clock at night.
of course! why would she have you meet her at a bar at ten in the morning?
boy, aren't we a couple of beauties?
that'll teach you to jump to conclusions. anyway, since you have your night all
sure thing, pal. whatever you think will help your chances.
uh.  it's for mature audiences. i on't wanna chance getting turned away at the door.
mmmmm.
be right out.
huh?
um, no, i was just.  shaving.
yeah! i was running a little late. thought this would save time.
come on, flush, you bastard.
uh.  just cleaning my teeth. give me a minute, mary, i'll be right with you.
but mary --
great.
it's all kharma, harry. you screw your best friend over and it's gonna come back to haunt you, plain and simple.
you? what are you doing here?
lloyd, are you home? we've gotta talk, man. i have a serious confession to make.
oh good, you found her. i'll just leave you two kids alone.
until he turned into a backstabber.
hey, i couldn't help it if she found me irresistable.
yeah, and you knew how crazy i was about fraida felcher, but that didn't stop you, did it?
don't deny it, lloyd. fraida told me the whole sordid story.
well i guess we both learned a little something about each other, didn't we?
guess not.
just tell me where to sign, bud.
i wouldn't pull that trigger if i were you.
except you're forgetting one minor etail.
if you kill us, you'd be killing yourself.
you see, philosophers believe that we're all really just tiny pieces of one huge universal being. in other words, i am you and you are me, so if you were to kill us you'd be committing suicide, you unenlightened
husband? what husband?
kill her. the bitch should've told him she was married back at the airport. it would've saved us a lot of trouble.
no, wait, do me first. i'm the one who stole your girl, lloyd. i eserve it.
she grabbed me down in the lobby and explained what was up. they slapped this on me and gave me a gun.
yeah, about that dough.
you were right, lloyd. she was efinitely worth the trip.
hey, barney.
and we're, um, sorry about the money we gave you turning out to be phony.
i dunno. i'm sure we'll find a trailer camp somewhere to call home.
are you on the level?
since we're finished elbow-rubbing, what next, lloyd?
now you're talking my language. you know i got a weakness for blondes.