it's horrible, it's depressing, i love it. what else?
i have an idea.
this is something i've been thinking about for a long time. we're "real tv" right? i mean that's the name of the station.
so let's go real. we find someone. just a regular person, someone. and we put their life on television - live.  all day long.
calm down.
no. we go way beyond that. we don't film it and edit it and put it on later. we go on the air live every morning and the show goes off each night, when our subject goes to bed. in between, we're on live all day, every day - the same person, -- for let's say a month.
the hell we can't. look, the beauty of being a cable channel is we can take chances. i've thought about this and i'm telling you, i think this can make a noise. a loud one. there are twelve thousand channels. you've got to do something that says "look at me!" hell, people look at fish tanks all day. this is people! someone's real life -- an tv, all day long - live.  and, you know what? i'm doing it.
what did you study?
he's who we want to go with.
i polled my staff. the men say they'd hang around with him and the women say he's fuckable. and one of the men said he's fuckable.
look it's not like we're burning up the airwaves now. we're running neck-and-neck with the gardening channel. if people just tune in to this twice a day for five minutes, we're a hit. plus we can sell advertising every second, running at the bottom of the screen.  and the beauty is this guy doesn't even have to be good. i mean if he's good, great. but if he winds up making an ass of himself, better.
come on. people cannot turn away from an accident. you drive by, you say "ooh, i hope there's not a head lying in the road" but you look ! see, nobody in america wants to be nobody. this guy wants to be famous. so, basically, the deal is he agrees to drive down the highway a hundred miles an hour blindfolded and we get to see if his head winds up rolling down the highway. fun for the whole family. so let's do it.
ed, can i see you a second.
okay, so you understand? we're installing a permanent camera in your bedroom, one in the kitchen, one in the living room, plus, of course, there'll always be a couple of steady-cams following you.
i want you to take this.
that has my work number, my home number, my pager number. i sleep three hours a night. call me whenever you want to talk. off the air, on the air, whenever. okay?
now look. don't freeze up on me. i picked you because you had kind of a relaxed, go-with-the-flow quality. you're not going to lose that, are you?
i bet my career on you. you'd better be good.
i do.
get him out of the house! i want him moving!
no, i haven't seen the spot ratings.
i think that's a number from which we can hopefully, uh.  build.
i disagree.  no, i am not ready to pull the plug.  yes, mr. scharlach, i know they shoot horses.  look, it's been one day. can i have a week with this and then have you fly up my nose?!
choke to death, you boring bastard.
let's not worry about that vet.
ed, the audience can smell the desperation coming through the screen.
yes! go!
yes! yes! i win! scharlach, you schmuck! i am the golden goddess of television!
i will. i'11 tell them. that was scharlach. all of you, scrub your asses. he's coming over to kiss them.
we're not going to be able to come over there for anymore midnight meetings. people are starting to watch your building. the interest level in you is soaring.
yes, ed.
good idea. could you all leave us alone for a few minutes?
how you doing, ed?
uh-huh?
can i tell you something? i think you are fantastic. i think you have taken an idea and turned it into something explosive.
can i give you one bit of advice? about shari?
a woman wants to be pursued.
we're going to get you a bodyguard, don't worry. ed, i have some news for you. we're picking up ed tv for another month!
that means a balloon payment and a big raise for the second month.
sure it came to you! because i brought it to you! you want a gut feeling?! how about a groin feeling?!
no way.  oh, this just keeps getting better.
i will see that he's properly threatened.
yeah.
great line.
ed, do you want my advice?
leave her be.
pursued, not harassed. give it some space. can i tell you something -- as a friend? my sister was going with a guy they hit a little rough spot they started seeing other people they got back together and last month they had their third child for what it's worth.
whose dog is that?
take him off the air.
i'm telling you, it's peaked. ed tv is an over-inflated balloon. get it off before it explodes all over us.
good luck.
isn't this getting kind of pathetic. i mean we drank the juice, now we're just licking peel. let it go!
ed, everything goes off. "cheers" went off. "mash" went off --
ed --
ed --
yeah? well i'm not starting now.
i don't think so.
i've got this great idea. we put together a video. "the network executives goofiest moments." and listen, i've really loved working here.