i want to congratulate kevin and tracy on their engagement. i knew you guys were meant for each other from the moment tracy told us she was pregnant. what? what did i say? what? you said that. tell me. i'm gonna stick this right in your eye. so do i. so what? i'm doing all right. where were you? what do you mean all of a sudden? you've been going with her six months. you know, those are for everybody. whoa!! oh! what's going on over there? yeah, what - they put some schmuck on tv all day long or something? what? what are you drunk? what is?! you're in show business? that's like. those people stitching nikes in panama saying they're in the nba. thumbsucker! we're excited. so ray met the family. i hear the dog really liked him. really? you see, to me, you shouldn't have any trouble with men. there should be, like, a line behind you. jesus! ray's on. hello i'm ed. what smells? what is that smell? oop, i think it's this idea. one person on tv all day long? are you nuts? seriously, get your resumes in order. when my brother ray - whose personality you were just dazzled by -- told me he was going to try out for this -- i said, "why in the world would anyone want to be on tv all day long, no privacy, everybody knowing your business, exposing every single detail of your life i mean. why would anyone want to do that? but then i thought of a reason. why the hell not? we'11 take care of it. here. this time throw it out, don't eat it. lou, can i talk to you a second? what's the deal? did anybody make a decision - oh, christ. did you go to bat for me? you batted or you bunted? well, then i'm quitting. who's in it? yeah. are you serious? . come on, no kidding, who is this? . holy shit! i had one year of college. and then one year of junior college. oh, see, studying would've been a huge help. where were you, then? well, there's ray, my brother. he's. ambitious. like a few years ago, he started this mobile dog-grooming business. but, like, out of his camry. he had this bathtub in his trunk - he's throwing the dogs in there, they're fighting and splashing, then he'd slam the trunk down, let 'em run around inside screaming getting all wet. then he'd use the car exhaust to dry'em. ah, ray. he just can't get a break. my sister -- marcia, i mean she can't get a break. about seven years ago she falls in love with this vietnamese guy who wants to marry her so he can stay in the country. so they get married, they have a kid, he gets his citizenship, immediately divorces my sister and marries this vietnamese woman who, he was probably already married to all along. she can pick 'em. she's got a nice little boy, though. my nephew, andy. my mom's okay. kinda. i knew a guy who hated his mother - stuey shwam. he hated his mother so much, he had his belly button removed. no, i've never been married. oh, my father -what an asshole. when i was twelve, my mother needed a hysterectomy -- my father ran off with her nurse! and that's the last i heard of him. al, my stepfather he's opinionated. and you have to listen because he's like in a wheelchair. i like my job -- i mean i'm doing all right. i'm not sure how long i want to stay there, you know. i mean, i'm thirty-one. i'm not sure i want to be a video store clerk when i'm forty. of course, i didn't expect to be doing it 'til i was thirty-one, either. but. you know i'm. keeping my options open. anything comes along, i'm ready to pounce. a dream? of course i have a dream i just don't know what the hell it is. oh! hi, shari. let's go in the stockroom. i . i'm not gonna do it. look -- there's a million ways to humiliate yourself - i gotta think of a new way? i mean, it's all day! every minute. id be like a monkey at the zoo. i just. you would do this? you would actually -- why do you do that? whenever you ask me something why do you always say "let me ask you something?" why don't you just ask me? i'm doing all right. screw off. i don't know. hey. you know-- we're not the same. i got a good life, this job suits me. i come and go when i please -- all right. yeah. no. the bathroom is off limits -and when i go to sleep they go to other programming. unless i get up. then they go back on the air. unless i get up to go to the bathroom, i guess, then - what if i'm vomiting? i guess -- i don't -- it's all in the contract. there's this million-page contract -- no! i barely even mentioned -it's just that, my friends, the people at work, whoever i'm regularly in contact with they want releases from. our what? stop saying foibles! i'11 have to pass, al. and it's not an age thing -- no. kissing and hugging, okay, but if it's actual sex they have to cut away. at the point -- i don't -- look you'd be on tv maybe one or two times each. i'11 try to avoid i'11 go out of my way to avoid, getting together with you. believe me. hey, believe me -1 know i've got a great chance of making a fool of myself, here. i saw this show once. it was about logging. i was home sick, there was nothing else on. do you know how they break up really bad log jams? you know, when they're really tangled. ? dynamite. so maybe this is my dynamite. excuse me. cool. um, yeah -- thanks. no, uh. don't say that. that's like. telling a guy before you have sex you'd better be good. you don't do that. oh. oh, great. excuse me. same people like to put the milk in first and then the cereal. i like to put in the milk first - i mean the cereal first and then the milk. yeah, that's it. now, watch this. what. you want me to swim? oh, out? you want me to go out. best pizza in new jersey. hey, lou. oh, jesus, i'm dying. some guys work from the big toe down to the little toe. not me. i save the big one for last. that's the one i really enjoy. it's thick, it's big, it's a challenge. did you ever see old people's nails? next round's on me. polish acrobat. whoa, god bless ray. first time i'm off-camera in two days. this is hard, you know? i'm, like, exhausted. see, they should've picked him. look how comfortable he is out there. no. what happened? ray, maybe this isn't . marcia's living with a singer? ray -- oh, jesus. what's the dif -- she didn't know he was a criminal. they had a relationship. they -- great. you do though, you look great. no, no, i -- as soon as you came in tonight i said to john, "boy shari looks beautiful." i said it on tv so you can ask anybody who saw it. my "polish acrobat" remark was ill-considered. although, i meant no harm, i should have recognized that such stigmatizing remarks bring pain and anguish to. i can't read my own writing. it's like chinese -- it's not like chinese! chinese is, i'm sure, a beautiful language and they write . beautifully. it's not chinese. jesus, i'm sweating like a mexican fruit-picker. oh, christ! gi hu roo. ray, don't throw the shrimp, you're gonna choke again. are you asking me? are you going to cancel me? what about ray? what does this mean? he's just . trying a little too hard -- how much less? i can't do that to him. he's pushing a little too hard - but. i just can't do that to him. he'11 be fine. what the --?! this is ray's apartment. ray's got a big-screen tv and the knicks are playing in l.a. tonight, so sometimes i come over after i work late and we watch the game here. he makes funny comments. he's really a good guy. he just. it's me, ed. you watching the ballgame? oh. all right. i'11 watch at home, then. oh, is shari here? why didn't you just say so? why are you giving me a song-and-dance about being tired? hi, shari. who's -- we'd better go. what is this? what's going on, who is that? next thing you know! why didn't you stop? i don't even know her. all i know is she likes snapple. why me? you brought the girl! if i go over to shari, the camera's going there, too. right, yeah -- no, i understand. that's - where is she, is she all right? shari, i'm just really sorry. look, i know this is. unbelievably awkward, but if i could come in for like a second and -- you know -- just say. two words, then. shari, ray feels -- i'm not. i'm not. i'm just look -- you know, in a way, it's good. he got this out of his system now and he knows it's not worth it and, you know, someday if you guys got married or something -- okay . oh. how come? oh my god. look, not having been there. i just think you're hurt and you're saying this to, you know, get back at him. look. whether you get back together or not, you're too terrific a person to. lower yourself like this. i mean, i told ray -- a couple of times -- that i thought you were one of the best and . smartest and. most attractive women i've ever seen so. yeah. it's. okay well, when you put it that way. can't we just -- all right. okay. i'11 . see you. i've got to tell you something. i have had a big thing for you for months. yeah. i mean for months i've been seeing you with ray you being his girlfriend and i kept wishing you were my girlfriend. but, you know, what could i do? really? weird? if this happened last month it would've been weird. now with. the tv and. now it's just too weird. i'd better go. once more? hi, al. yeah. i brought you some movies. no, i intentionally picked out a lot of crap 'cause i don't like you. is mom here? i gotta talk to her. yeah. ma. yeah? yeah. the camera guy is here. send him? ma, i can't. it's -- just come out here. please, i -- do you want us to come in the kitchen? look, ma, come on out. really. i need to talk to you. this is my mother. ma, do you know where ray is? i've been calling him and i'm getting his machine and -- hey, he cheated on her. i don't want to -- do you know where he is? no! and that girl has a name. come on. no! i -- all right, look, if you hear from ray. tell him to call me, okay? how's marcia? she all right? well, who knows? maybe she finally picked a winner this time. you and al lived together a few months before you got married -- after dad left. i mean, that worked out. i think we're through here. ray? oh, man, i've been trying to call you. look, we gotta talk. what are we gonna fight? ray, please, listen to me -- ray, come an-- soaring is good, right? i mean, that means you're not gonna cancel me, right? huh? isn't she great? i mean, maybe just to me, but. i don't know, she's just -- i wanted to! i was dying to! but. no, i don't need to hear that. cynthia? could we just talk alone for a second? i -- i feel like when i was a kid and my mother sent me to school in orange corduroy pants. and all the kids stared calling me "pumpkin ass." "hey pumpkin ass," -- for like a year. so, now, i feel like everyone's watching me and, you know, i'm "pumpkin ass" again. yeah? sure. i missed you. you know, i never saw you in your uniform before. it's really a tremendous turnoff. sunday night at the devils game, i'm driving the zamboni. you know, the big machine that cleans the ice. it's quite an honor. will you come with me? look, i know this is weird. but. i don't want to wait. i really think we might have something together. don't you? come on. be my zamboni date. they tore her dress! . yeah?! stand back -- i'm about to do my happy dance. i'11 have. get this -- i'11 have the "ed." no problema. you want a picture? moe. take this around the corner to frame world, they'll give you a discount. oh -- sunday is good for me to meet your folks. we get a big family audience on sundays so it works out. saturday, i think we should compliments of motorola. hello. marcia?? my sister. -- what? . what, right now? . i'm eating, i'm on a date! . well, where's your boyfriend -- what's his name? cliff . then, call a cab. all right. look, just don't start any trouble okay. just sit there quietly 'til i get there. you're welcome. this used to be a regular thing. and the worst part, is while she'd be waiting for me to come down to some bar and get her, she'd start up with some guy and say "wait 'til my brother gets here, he'11 kick your ass." so then i walk in and there's some rhinoceros in a windbreaker who tries to shove me into a shot glass. and marcia's drunk and screaming "kick his ass, ed. kick his ass." i think this is it. what was the tip-off? the enormous camera? yeah. keep up the good work. oh great. hm? i'm, uh. why isn't this drunken woman you? what's going on? why did you want me to come down here? oh! oh -- okay, now i get it. it's "star search." you wanted me here because the camera comes with me. i can imagine. you said you wanted nothing to do with this. you swore to me. "don't come near me. don't bring this into my life" i wish my stepfather was here. he could give me some oxygen. what? i told you. if we. you know do it, they go away until . we're done. so? what do they think -- we're not kids -- shari, i really like you. if this . . weren't here. ? so? what?. why? shari. no. who? ohh. who cares? i don't ca -- no. i do care. shame on everybody. shame on you! well, just the seventy-one percent. the other. exactly. boy, you're smart. why are you so mean to her? what did she do to you? "is she good enough for ed?" who the hell am i? who the hell do you think i should be dating? really? wow. yeah. god, i hope so. hey, if it's free, it's me. you ready? aah, i wanted shari to come. yeah. honey, if you're watching this is for you. what? hi. it's all right. thanks. that's . oh, yeah, i love those. yeah. those are funny. um. they gave me a limo, uh. this is from a girl named tawny. this goes in the nude picture pile. thank you, tawny. let's see. well. this is creative. this goes in the psychopath pile. oh, i hope that's not this guy. hi. no. am i supposed to? i'm not! i'm just trying to get some facts. so everything he told me yesterday was a lie. everything. what do you mean practically? did he really run away or did you throw him out like he says. so he was telling the truth you threw him out. yes to me or yes to the coil? holy sh-- he says -- who? yeah, so. ? well, i don't think you can get more common than me, al. chicken pox? i was six. he didn't leave 'til i was twelve. but what was that whole story about him and a nurse? could've been a nurse? so does grandma. so does shaquille o'neal. you told me you had a hysterectomy and he ran off with your nurse. the difference is for twenty years i thought one thing and now it's another thing. wait a minute. i thought you didn't know al, 'til after dad left. oh my god. you and al were - and that's why you threw him out. i'm not -- i didn't -- al, you know how i feel about you. if i don't call you "dad" it' just because. 1 was already a big boy when you came into our lives -- or when i thought you came into our lives -- who? what do you think. i mean about. him. should i just. have nothing to do with him? i mean. no. hi. it's me, ed. it's been two days, i want to see you. no, i won't let them follow me, i'11 sneak out. no it's not allowed, but i'm going for it. i'm on my way. hi. they're not here. so? oh je -- couldn't he sleep with rita? we'11 all have a good time. come on, let's go. somewhere. do you want to go to a motel? just. just relax. okay? we won't do anything. we'11 just sit here for a while. come on. i need to talk. she lied to me. i mean all my life, she's telling me one story and then. it turns out to be a completely different story. come to me at some point -- tell me the truth. no. not in my house. the truth is a stranger. and this is why ray and marcia are the way they are. marcia gets involved with all these losers and sees no problem with herself - "how do they find me" she says. ray cheats on you and then blames me for it. i'm the only one in the family who takes any responsibility for himself. oh, man. are you all right? oh that was. no, i . she just kind of trapped me into giving her a ride. it's you. i want you. it's not their fault. what do you want me to do? you want me to quit the show?! no. if i quit i don't get the balloon payment. ray borrowed this whole tub of money against this balloon payment that i don't get if i qu -- it's too complicated. i -- besides. you see how people look at me. like when they ask for my autograph or say "hi" to me. it's like i'm a basketball player or a. you know, like i'm someone. well, yeah, everybody's someone. but i mean someone they want to be. i mean let's face it, i'm working in the video store, no one's coming in saying "oh, i wish i was that guy. 1 wish was rewinding that huge pile of tapes." at least for a month i'm not just a guy with a name tag. i'm famous. and so are you. come on. come on! loosen up. see -- this is why seventy-one per cent of the people don't like you. it was a joke! a. vicious, thoughtless stupid joke. and that, for you kids out there, is how you screw up a relationship. i'm gonna watch anything but me. how did you get into my apartment?! no -- keep it. hi. is shari here? what is she, at work? well, when will she be back? what are you talking about? i'm sorry. where'd they send her? remember when you were interviewing me? you asked me if i had a dream. i said "sure, i have a dream. i just don't know what it is yet." what if shari's the dream? yeah, that's why i called. i mean, maybe fed-ex would tell me where she moved -- you said a woman likes to be pursued. okay. oh!! hm? oh, hi. um. it's kind of . no. sure. oh man. jesus! i'm starting to feel a little pressure. can i help with anything? what is? oh, dinner! mm. mm. ohhh. ohh. do you own a cat? look at this! she did not! you know what she did? she went out to california and got one of those scandal agents. one of those agents who handle, like. gennifer flowers and. kato kaelin and joey buttafuco. that's what she -- oh -- like this guy's ever been with a woman. how about i kick your ass 'til the crack goes the other way? all of a sudden, i'm like fair game for everyone. i'm like -- oh my -- he wrote a book?! ray wrote a book?! he never read a book! it's ed. it could be, if you fixed it up. how did you. ? i mean how does anyone . wind up like this? the whole time? eighteen years? what. oh, man! so. so you saw me on tv and you said "hey, let me jump on this." all right. this is my father, i don't know what the hell he can do, but if anyone out there can help him -- get him a job - i'11 . help you. i'11 . mention your business or . i don't know, we'11 figure it out. i gotta go. yeah? that's good. sorry is good. you know i finished that model. the pirate ship. -- that we were doing "together." i finished it. it came out great! because no one was standing over my shoulder bothering me - "that's too much glue. you're using too much glue." no. ray sat on it. i'11 see you. okay, is that funny? how was that? was that funny?! this joma is so phoney! i mean, those things aren't really happening. i think they have writers making that stuff up for him. hey, couldn't we do that? hire some writers and have them write up some crazy situations i could get into? yeah, but when they went off people weren't making fun of them. they weren't bozos! i'm pumpkin ass again! you know, everything you asked me to do i did. i call you for advice about shari you say - "leave her be, see other people for a while." you just wanted me to get involved with jill because it made for a better show. no. you screwed up my life just so you could get higher ratings. you never gave a shit about me. you know about that fireman who rescued that little girl? no! like, ten years ago. in texas. baby. jessica! yeah, a thing. he became a big hero. he was on tv and there was a parade and a movie about him and then, uh. you know it blew over and he went back to being a fireman again. so he killed himself. hello. mom? what's the matter?! oh god. what hospital? i'm coming right over. i'll be right there. hi. i'm looking for my mother. her name is -- yes? thank you. can i see her? mm. oh, man. what about him -- did he suffer any or was it quick? i'd hate to think he. really? they were. hotel? what were they doing in a hotel? al! al!! i thought -- i thought he was dead. al! yes! went -- um. yeah. what happened? who? so you had sex with him? the doctor said you were having sex. yes. he assumed hank was your husband. he didn't know. why? how. but al is your husband now! apparently, neither can hank. what the hell did you do to him? well, he's the only one in america who doesn't! you're not going to talk to me? you're not even gonna say hello? how are you doing? is cliff here? me?! i put his -- who -- look, marsh, he's not that good a singer, he'll be back. i'11 take it. are things gonna be okay with you and mom? is there anything i can -- what?! oh, al . this is just. i want to tell you something. i love you. you're my father. hi, ma. you're famous. somebody called me. what are you doing in a place like this? ma. and how is this helping? come on say, good-night to all your new friends and let's go home. i -- oh, but that book you wrote was a real love-letter. that. toilet paper with covers. oh great. where's moe? let's remember how i got into this. "please, eddie, do this for me. i can't get a break." yeah. my problem is i've got a brother who writes a sentence like "we grew up in a small, little bedroom." as opposed to a big, little bedroom? me?! that's you! moe! yeah? so does a kick in the nuts. three more months? you do? a couple of years ago my uncle roy got bit on the ass by a dog. so he gave me his tickets to the u.s. open -- the tennis matches. so me and ray, we tell our friends "watch when andre agassi is gonna serve for the first time. when he's bouncing the ball and it's real quiet, we'11 yell "whoop". and you'11 all hear us." you know what that is? it's sad. i mean it was just so we could be heard. so we could stand out from the crowd for a second. so we did it. but we had nothing to say. just "whoop". that's it. and the stupid part i mean the really stupid part is we thought it like. elevated us above the crowd. where the fact is it made us stupider than the crowd. stop saying "i see." you don't see. cynthia, i owe you an apology. yeah. because, you didn't talk me into anything. everything you wanted me to do, i wanted to do. ray, you were right. it's like in school. i was always saying "the room was too hot, the teacher didn't like me" -- but it was me! everything that's wrong with my life i did. okay? so now this is it. my family has problems. which are our fault. and tv is not the place to solve them. so i quit. i'm taking what very little dignity i've got left and i quit. can someone validate my parking? all right, i'11 pay for the parking. big network! i can't? look, if you don't let me out of this. i'11 just. i'11 just sit in my apartment all day. i won't go anywhere, i won't do anything. what kind of show will that be? all right. let them decide. i'd like you all to do me a favor. turn me off. just grab the remote and change the channel. i mean, basically, all you're watching now is a guy deteriorate. the only thing missing is the smell. you're better than that turn me off. thank you. shut up. kinda'. what did you do to your hair? it's nice. hi, kids. busy? i just came up to pass out these ed tv hats. a guy made these up for me. he spelled ed with two d's. okay, listen. the real reason i came up here -- and then i'11 get out of your way -- is i've been thinking about what you said. about let's start having more fun with this show, you know? let's give it a big kick in the ass. shut up. let's have a contest. now this would mostly be open to professional investigators and detectives. but anyone can join in. my lovely assistant, shari. i'm glad you asked. the contest is who can dig up -- legally, of course -- i'm not suggesting that anyone break any laws -- the most embarrassing and humiliating facts about any of the executives here at the north american broadcasting system which owns real tv. but facts! they have to be verified. anything from their past, their present, business, personal -- arrests, affairs . and whoever comes up with the sleaziest, most degrading material -- i'11 give you ten thousand dollars. and you get to be on ed tv. hah? okay. we have a winner. now please don't feel badly if yours wasn't selected. in our eyes, you're all winners. a hundred per cent cotton. okay, here we go, andy. andy's available for executions. and the winner is . hey, the winner is from right here in new york city. carl bowers a former orderly at the martin center -- a clinic that specializes in, what they call, male enhancement procedures. how many of you know what a penile implant is? as it was explained to me, what happens is-- and the man of the hour -- the executive with the winning secret the man who, thanks to the miracle of space-age science and a pump he keeps in his pocket, can now -- i know him. i gave him an autograph.