what's up?
i was.  having dinner with shari and her parents.
i'm telling you, it's closing in on me. all of a sudden it's like a thing, it's a whole thing.
i know. i mean i'm sitting there and her father's asking me about my "career prospects" and i'm playing "risk," with her kid brother, leon and at dinner the dog's sniffing at my balls -- at least i hope it was the dog. 'cause her mother disappeared for a while.
oh! show them that thing you can do. this is great. i just found out she can do this, her brother told me. come on.
come on.
is that unbelievable?
you know, that would be like a great thing.
that! being that guy. being the guy they watch.
yeah, but let's stay on one subject. whoever that person is is going to be famous. they'll be able to get whatever they want. they'll .  trust me, this is my business.
show business.
yeah. i service video equipment.
i'm not stitching nikes in panama! .  bedwetter!
i'm making a tape.
hi. i'm ray pekurney. i'm from paramus, new jersey.
all my friends tell me "ray, you've got too much personality for one guy." it's like at a party -- i'm at the center of the attention. everybody loves me.
ha, ha, ha. i'll kick your ass. no really, let me show you my girlfriend. she's really cute.
she's strong, 'cause she's a fedex girl. she lifts those packages. but she's not dikey at all, she's really pretty.
hey.
i got your message. way to go!
so when do you start?
what?
oh man! they couldn't pick me! they had to pick you!
in a second! in a hot second. let me ask you something --
what?
all right. let me ask you something.  are you happy like this?
oh yeah? what's your master plan here?
you're gonna be a video store clerk for the rest of your life? this is your big ambition, rearranging the "ernest" movies?
how many opportunities are you going to get in your life?
that's right. you don't know. doors don't fly open for guys like us.
oh, don't bullshit a bullshitter. if you're happy like this you're an idiot, and you're not an idiot. hi.
give me a chance. i'm begging you. i need a break. look, i'11 cover your ass. i'11 ride shotgun. just bring those cameras over to me and i'11 make something happen for both of us. i swear. come on, eddie
yeah?!
is this guy a brother?!
look, can we all just sign the releases so we can get on with this?
we don't have foibles.
that's the point -- this could change things.
for instance.  me and my friend bucky are buying out my boss. his equipment, trucks, client list, the whole shmear.
if they keep ed on for one full month, he gets a balloon payment.
i borrow against that now, at the bank. buy the business. and ed becomes a silent partner. now here's the beauty part. while we're on tv i plug the shit out of the business. free advertising.
this is not working. come to me!
hey. check this out. look at this.
okay, i just wanted to get your attention. my name is ray and my friend bucky and i design video systems. you've got an office or a big home, we'11 come out there design you an entire system.
whew! 1 am kicking hairy ass!
hey, ed. did you hear about marcia?
that's our sister. she's got a new boyfriend.
he's living with her!
no, this is great. you'll love this. he's a singer.
yeah. you know, piano bars. plays the piano and sings. that's how they met.
no! some drunk hit him over the head with his snifter -- you know, that thing they keep on the piano for tips -- and marcia yanked a big hunk of glass out of his head.
i mean my question is what was she doing in a bar in the first place?
she's an alcoholic, for christ's sake.
remember the last guy she got involved with? what was his name?
richie! she spent six months dating a criminal
"quick pull off the highway" is not a relationship. oh man, i gotta pee.
what are you, hiding from the police? show your face, you look great. doesn't she look great.
while i'm gone, tell them about our cousin lenny who's gay. we knew from when he was five.
who is it?
hi.
uh, no, uh i'm a little tired. i fell asleep.
yeah.
oh shit.
hello.  shari, hi.  oh no! .  oh god!
no, honey, it's not what it looks like--
oh god .  ed!
that was shari. she saw the whole thing on tv--
it's the receptionist at one of the places i service video equipment -- she's very pretty and, you know, she never even talks to me and then today i come in and she's all "i saw you on tv the other night.  you were so great .  " next thing i know we're .
stop? i'm a guy. i don't stop. the woman's supposed to stop. we're the gas, they're the brakes.
fine!
in the cabinet, but it's warm. there's ice in the tray. i talk to her.
no, not her. shari. go over there and talk to her
you brought the cameras here!
please!
that's good. she'11 -- you know control herself. look. if i go over there, she's just gonna slam the door on me. just go over and beg her to talk to me, that's all. please. you owe me for this!
hi.
yeah.
i know.
save it.
french guy?
let me just do what i came here to do.
cassie.
go ahead.
you promised me.
that's enough.
good-bye, brother!
fuming.
i have nothing to say to you.
cliff left her, thanks to you.
that's right. you put cliff on television. so then he decided he was too good for her and he left.
i'11 take her. you humiliated our mother on national television. you've single- handedly destroyed this family.
come on, ma.
you know what your problem is?
i got paid by the word! no! your problem is you don't ever want anything to be your fault.
i commit. i take a chance. you wanted to be the guy on tv, but you didn't want to say you wanted to. so you have me talk you into it so you get what you want, but if it goes bad it's not your fault.
for once in your life, be honest with yourself. i know you, ed. i know you look at me and marcia and mom and you think you're different. you're like "how did i end up in this family?" you're not different. you're worse. because you have no guts. you drift around, you don't commit, you make fun of me -- okay. just don't kid yourself. let's go.
uh-huh.  uh-huh.  really?! she was how old?
and each contestant gets one of these. an "i tried to screw a network executive" tee-shirt.