can i help you?
yeah, well a couple of things have changed. it ain't gonna be the christine jorgensen story no more. goddamn "variety" printed the story before i had the rights, and now that bitch is asking for the sky.
no, of course i'm gonna make the movie! i've already presold alabama and oklahoma. those repressed okies really go for that twisted pervert stuff. so we'll just make it without that she-male. we'll fictitionalize it.
fuck no! but there's a poster.
it opens in nine weeks in tulsa.
hmm. there's five-hundred guys in town who can tell me the same thing. you said on the phone you had some kind of "special qualifications."
are you a fruit?
so you're not a fruit?
you gotta be kiddin' me.
and this is why you think you're the most qualified to make my movie?
ed, you seem like a nice kid, but look around you.  i don't hire directors with burning desires to tell their stories. i make movies like "chained girls." i need someone with experience who can shoot a film in four days that'll make me a profit. i'm sorry. that's all that matters.
so what's the big news you couldn't tell me over the phone.  again?
tits.
eddie, you must have me confused with david selznick. i don't make major motion pictures. i make crap.
yeah. crap with a star.
fine, maybe you're right. but it doesn't friggin' matter. i can't afford a star, so i don't even know what we're talking about.
who?
lugosi?
isn't he dead?
our picture?
why would lugosi want to be in a sex-change flick?
alright, fine! you can direct it. i want a script in three days, and we start shooting a week from monday.
i thought this was gonna be a sex- change film!
yeah! five pages right before it ends! the rest of the show is about some schmuck who likes angora sweaters.
and what's with this new title?! my poster says "i changed my sex"!
fine, shoot whatever baloney you want! i give up. just make sure it's seven reels long.
ed! what's with these revised pages?! a scene in a smelting factory? a buffalo stampede?? three-hundred soldiers storming anzio beach??! what's going on here? i can't afford to film this nonsense!
then how's it gonna get in the picture?!
i think it's fifty-seven minutes long.
ed, what was the one thing i asked you to do? make it seven reels long. i've got contracts with my exhibitors. if it ain't over an hour, they won't play it.
they'll notice. look, why don't you let me take over from here? i can do a few tricks: pad it out with more stock footage, add establishing shots.
good. and one more thing. i think your "written, directed, and starring ed wood" credit is a bad idea.
and you did a bang-up job, too. but you don't want other producers to know that's you in drag. trust me. it's a career killer.
yeah?? well orson welles didn't wear angora sweaters, did he??!
i did. i established some tits and ass.
"where's the ads"?! the ads are in alabama, indiana, and missouri! you schmuck, it ain't gonna play l.a.!
because i can't sell it to save my life! you made a goddamn feathered fish. is it an art film, a horror show, a hygiene flick? nobody knows! i'm beggin' people to book it.
screw you, wood! i even sunk more money into different titles: "transvestite" "he or she?" "i led two lives".  it doesn't matter! nobody wants to see the piece of shit.
"your movie"?! i wish it was your movie! i wish i hadn't blown every dime i ever made into this stinkbomb. if i ever see you again, i'll kill you!!!