the wonderful blessing under which we live here on hy-brasil! the king beams. the vikings shift uneasily. they look out of place and extremely scruffy in the midst of the scantily dressed courtiers of hy-brasil. aud sits beside her father the king.
the gods decreed that if ever sword spills human blood upon these shores, the whole of hy-brasil will sink beneath the waves. king arnulf beams rapturously at the vikings, expecting them to be overjoyed. instead they are horrified.
yes! the vikings look at each other, feeling they haven't quite understood.
right! isn't it wonderful? the vikings are non-plussed.
well, of course.
well.  for a start.  er.  there's no killing.
well.
we don't have to. we're all terribly nice to each other. aren't we?
well, of course! we have to be. he turns and conducts the courtiers, who chant in unison:
you see? we're terribly nice to each other we're friendly bold and free. we never say anything nasty 'cause we dare not.
would you like us o sing to you?
what's the matter, don't you want to hear our singing?
you don't think our singing's going to be good enough for you?
a lot of people like our singing.
but you don't want to hear it.
well, you'll have to ask us really nicely.
you're just saying that.
really?
and you're not just saying it because you think we want you to? erik swallows hard.
right! summon the musicians! we'll do the one that goes "tum- tum-tum-tum-ti-tum-tum"
it isn't the one we're best at.
not when we've got guests.
don't be silly.
all right. we'll do the one that goes "ti-tum-ti-tum-ti-tum- ti-ti-tum". ah! the musicians! the musicians are huge, unshaven, have broken noses and tattoos, and are covered in black oil - like mechanics. their instruments are like heavy industrial machinery, pushed in large vats of black oil that drip all over the show.
right.  oh dear.  i'm sure you're not going to like this.  erik and the others smile reassuringly. there is a lot of coughing. the king raises his baton and then brings it down, humming to himself as he does so. there is a most awful din; caterwauling, crashing and banging, whining, screaming.  the vikings look at each other, trying to pick out some tune, but it's impossible. ivar the boneless can't stop himself bursting out into giggles and this eventually spreads to the other vikings. king arnulf notices and bangs the throne for silence. gradually the din stops. king arnulf sinks down in despair.
we're just not a very musical nation.
now i want you to be absolutely, totally, genuinely honest with me. did you really, truly, honestly like it? erik thinks for some moments and then decides to make a clean breast of it.
they didn't like it! oh god! i want to die! the whole court looks as if it's about to commit mass hara-kiri, while the musicians look rather dangerous. erik takes the moment to get down to business.
well, how d'you think i feel?
you try to be nice to people, when they're rude about your singing.  erik feels he is making a mess of all this diplomacy.
i'll tell you what.
we'll do the one that goes "tum-tum-tum-tum-ti-tum-tum". perhaps you'll like that better. erik gives up. a lot of throat clearing. aud, the king's daughter, gives erik another dangerously slow wink. the terrible "music" starts up, shattering the calm of the beautiful city. fade. fade up on golden dragon now afloat once more, riding at anchor in the bay. ivar is standing on guard in it. suddenly he sees something that makes him gabe in horror. we don't find out what it is, however, because we immediately cut to erik. he is deeply in love. he is also in bed with the king's nubile daughter, aud.
open up! i know you're in there!
right! where is he?
who? who? whoever you've got in here of course!
i can smell one of those strangers.  that's who it is, isn't it? aud keeps mum.
this is the fifth one this week. before he can stop himself, erik blurts out:
well.  where is he?
ah! so you admit there is someone!
oh dear.  more visitors! he strides to the window and sees halfdan's ship. as he does so, erik has to leap out of the way, inadvertently knocking a chest. the king spins round and addresses the chest.
come out.  come out like a man.  i know you're in there.  king arnulf flings the chest open. revealing nothing but clothes. he is baffled. he reluctantly starts to leave.
i don't know how you do it, aud.  i sometimes think you've got some of your mother's magic.  he suddenly spies a small trinket-box and looks in that. but he doesn't find any strange man in it.
she did, i tell you! she could blind me as easily as the night the day.
but one day i'll catch you.  like i caught her.  he leaves. aud closes the door. erik throws the cloak off and starts getting dressed.
i might have known it was you!
careful! they're not supposed to hurt you.
it's all part of our safety regulations. you see if someone were to get hurt they might get angry and then.  well.
who is halfdan the black?
why?
don't talk nonsense.
not when we explain about the great blessing.
i know that the great blessing has kept the peace for a thousand years, and will keep it for the next thousand. the horn sounds again. erik is about to argue this point when thorfinn suddenly bursts in.
we are grateful to you, erik, and to your men.
and there is only one way we can repay you.  musicians! king arnulf claps his hands. erik rushes over to him, anxious to avoid another hy-brasilian concert.
it's yours. now erik finally turns and looks at what everyone else is looking at. erik's jaw drops. everyone in the court beams at erik,except aud who is looking sad and disappointed.
is there something the matter with it?
well, it's not called the horn resounding for nothing. you do know how to play the horn, don't you?
then i expect you'll be leaving first thing in the morning. the king manhandles erik away from his daughter. perhaps we have the feeling that she's isn't going to let erik go as easily as that. mix through to later that night. the vikings are lying asleep on the great hall, beside the horn resounding. the camera closes in on keitel. suddenly a voice comes from the shadows:
stay calm! this is not happening. the king then hurries out of a door at the top of the staircase.
now, i know what some of you must be thinking.  the day has come.  we're all going down, etc. etc. but let's get away from the fantasy and look at the facts. fact one - the threat of total destruction has kept the peace for one thousand years. fact two - the chances of it failing now are therefore one in three hundred and sixty-five thousand. fact three.  by this time the water is up to people's knees, and several have crowded onto the lower steps to avoid getting wet.
fact three - our safety regulations are the most rigorous in the world. we are all nice to each other, we never rub each other up the wrong way or contradict each other, do we?
no, of course you're not, citizen. but let's stick to the facts. there has never been a safer, more certain way of keeping the peace. so whatever's happening, you can rest assured, hy-brasil is not sinking. repeat, not sinking. we cut to an unfortunate hy-brasilian who looks out of a window to see if it's raining, but is immersed before he can find out. the citizens in the forum, however, are reassured by the king's words - even though they are now up to their waists in water. one of them steps forward.
we'd be delighted - wouldn't we?
it can't happen.
the important thing is not to panic.
i've already appointed the chancellor as chairman of a committee to find out exactly what is going on, and meantime i suggest we have a sing-song!
it's all right! it isn't happening!
well, my dear, i think you'll find it's all a question of what you want to believe in.  i have slightly more experience of these matters than you.  unfortunately, at this point, the entire gathering of citizens, the king and the forum temple disappear below the waves.