yeah, hi, i have a one o'clock with dr. mierzwiak. clementine kruczynski.
hi.
okay, i guess.
okay, i guess.
i don't care.
well, i've been having a bad time of it with um, my boyfriend, i guess.
what? no. i don't like the term boyfriend. it's so gay.
maybe gay isn't the right word. but, anyway, it's been rough with him.  whatever the fuck he is. heheh. my significant other.  heh heh. and i guess on a certain level, i want to break it off, but i feel.  y'know.  it's like this constant questioning and re questioning. do i end it? should i give it more time? i'm not happy, but what do i expect? relationships require work. you know the drill. the thing that i keep coming back to is, i'm not getting any younger, i want to have a baby.  at some point.  maybe.  right? so then i think i should settle -- which is not necessarily the best word -- i mean, he's a good guy. it's not really settling. then i think maybe i'm just a victim of movies, y'know? that i have some completely unrealistic notion of what a relationship can be. but then i think, no, this is what i really want, so i should allow myself the freedom to go out and fucking find it. you know? agreed? but then i think he is a good guy and.  it's complicated. y'know?
um, well, he's a fucking tidy one --
god, yes. you've saved my life!
ain't that the question of the century.
you got grilled cheese and tomato soup?
and some cream, please.
hi!
why?
why are you sorry? i just said hi.
really?
aw, c'mon, live dangerously. take the leap and assume someone is talking to you in an otherwise empty car.
it's okay if i sit closer? so i don't have to scream. not that i don't need to scream sometimes, believe me. but i don't want to bug you if you're trying to write or something.
oh. so.
no, i don't want to bug you if you're trying to --
just, you know, to chat a little, maybe. i have a long trip ahead of me. how far are you going? on the train, i mean, of course.
get out! me too! what are the odds?
ucch, really? you're kidding. god. bizarre small world, huh? yeah, that's me: book slave there for, like, five years now.
jesus, is it five years? i gotta quit right now.
well, i'm there. i hide in the back as much as is humanly possible. you have a cell phone? i need to quit right this minute. i'll call in dead.
i'll go on the dole. like my daddy before me.
ah, the hair. blue, right? it's called blue ruin. the color. snappy name, huh?
blue ruin is cheap gin in case you were wondering.
exactly! tom waits. which song?
anyway, this company makes a whole line of colors with equally snappy names. red menace, yellow fever, green revolution. that'd be a job, coming up with those names. how do you get a job like that? that's what i'll do. fuck the dole.
purple haze, pink eraser.
someone's got that job. agent orange! i came up with that one. anyway, there are endless color possibilities and i'd be great at it.
my writing career! your hair written by clementine kruczynski. the tom waits album is rain dogs.
i think. anyway, i've tried all their colors. more than once. i'm getting too old for this. but it keeps me from having to develop an actual personality. i apply my personality in a paste. you?
well, you don't know me, so.  you don't know, do you?
yeah, i got it.
my name's clementine, by the way.
no jokes about my name? oh, you wouldn't do that; you're trying to be nice.
huckleberry hound?
huckleberry hound! what, are you nuts?
oh my darlin', oh my darlin', oh my darlin' clementine? no?
yeah. although it hardly fits. i'm a vindictive little bitch, truth be told.
why wouldn't you think that about me?
now i'm nice? don't you know any other adjectives? there's careless and snotty and overbearing and argumentative.  mumpish.
i just don't think "nice" is a particularly interesting thing to be.
what is nice, anyway? i mean, besides an adjective? i guess it can be an adverb, sort of.
it doesn't reveal anything. nice is pandering. cowardly.
and life is more interesting than that. or should be. jesus god, i hope it is.  someday. i know it's here.
i don't need nice. i don't need myself to be it and i don't need anyone else to be it at me.
shit. shit. i know it's here. hold on.
damn it. damn it! oh. here.
joel? it's joel, right?
i'm sorry i.  yelled at you. was it yelling? i can't really tell. whatever, i'm a little out of sorts today.
my embarrassing admission is i really like that you're nice. right now, anyway. i can't tell from one moment to the next what i'm going to like. but right now i'm glad you said, "that's okay" to me. that was nice of you.
oh, okay. well, sure, i'll just.  take care, then.
unless i get that hair-color-naming job.
no, that's okay. thanks, though.
i don't want to take you out of your way.
yeah?
you're not a stalker or anything, right?
you can't be too careful. i've been stalked. i've been told i'm highly stalkable. i don't need that.
you know wilmont?
wilmont. near the high school.
look, i'm very sorry i came off sort of nutso. i'm not really.
so you like bookstores, huh?
me too. it is rain dogs, by the way.
the song's 9th and hennepin. i spent most of the train ride trying to remember. "till you're full of rag water and bitters and blue ruin. and you spill out. over the side to anyone who'll listen." remember?
remember? "and you take on the dreams of the ones who have slept there. and i'm lost in the window. i hide on the stairway. i hang in the curtain. i sleep in your hat" oh, shit. i'm so stupid. sorry.
i'm just a bit of a wreck. "i sleep in your hat" makes me cry. me.
thanks very much. that was very nice of you.
oh, geez, i'm full of shit. i already told you that. anyway. see ya.
hey, do you want to have a drink? i have lots of drinks. and i could --
never mind. sorry, that was stupid. i'm embarrassed. good night, joel.
thanks. i like it, too. been here about four years. it's really cheap. my downstairs neighbor is old so she's quiet, which is great. and the landlord's sweet, which is bizarre, but great, and i have a little porch in the back, which is great, because i can read there, and listen to my crickets and.
two blue ruins.
you like that?
this.  someone gave that to me, just like, recently. i like it, too. i like crows. i think i used to be a crow.
do you believe in that stuff? reincarnation?
me neither. oh, there's an inscription on the back. the way a crow. shook down on me. the dust of snow. from a hemlock tree. has given my heart. a change of mood. and saved some part. of a day i rued.
yeah. i'm not, like, a robert frost lover by any stretch. his stuff seems strictly grade school to me. but this made me cry for some reason. maybe because it is grade school. y'know?
i miss grade school. i don't know why i'm calling it grade school all of a sudden. when i went we called it elementary school. but i like grade school better. sounds like something someone from the forties would call it. i'd like to be from then. everyone wore hats. anyway, cheers!
god, that feels so fucking good. take yours off.
yeah? well, have a seat, anyway.
ready for another?
well, i'm ready. put some music on.
you pick it.
i don't know! i can't see them from here, joel! just pick something good.
oh, excellent choice.
mmmmmmm. way to go, joel. you pick good.
no, stay. just for a little while. refill?
i know a man who needs a refill.
god bless alcohol, is what i say. where would i be without it. oh, jesus, mary, and joseph, maybe i don't want to think about that.
drink up, young man. it'll make the whole seduction part less repugnant.
i'm just kidding. c'mon.
y'know, i'm sort of psychic.
well, i go to a psychic and she's always telling me i'm psychic. she should know. do you believe in that stuff?
me neither. but sometimes i have premonitions, so, i don't know. maybe that's just coincidence. right? y'know, you think something and then it happens, or you think a word and then someone says it? y'know?
exactly. exactly! that's exactly my feeling about it. it's hard to know. like, okay, but how many times do i think something and it doesn't happen? that's what you're saying, right? you forget about those times. right?
but i think i am. i like to think i am.
it's helpful to think there's some order to things. you're kind of closed mouthed, aren't you?
oh. does that make you sad? or anxious? i'm always anxious thinking i'm not living my life to the fullest, y'know? taking advantage of every possibility? just making sure that i'm not wasting one second of the little time i have.
you're really nice. i'm sorry i yelled at you before about it. god, i'm an idiot.
i like you. that's the thing about my psychic thing. i think that's my greatest psychic power, that i get a sense about people. my problem is i never trust it. but i get it. and with you i get that you're a really good guy.
and, anyway, you sell yourself short. i can tell. there's a lot of stuff going on in your brain. i can tell. my goal.  can i tell you my goal?
what's the goal, joel? my goal, joel, is to just let it flow through me? do you know what i mean? it's like, there's all these emotions and ideas and they come quick and they change and they leave and they come back in a different form and i think we're all taught we should be consistent. y'know? you love someone -- that's it. forever. you choose to do something with your life -- that's it, that's what you do. it's a sign of maturity to stick with that and see things through. and my feeling is that's how you die, because you stop listening to what is true, and what is true is constantly changing. you know?
like i wanted to talk to you. i didn't need any more reason to do it. who knows what bigger cosmic reason might exist?
you're very nice. god, i have to stop saying that. you're nervous around me, huh?
i'm nervous. you don't need to be nervous around me, though. i like you. do you think i'm repulsively fat?
i don't either. i used to. but i'm through with that. y'know, if i don't love my body, then i'm just lost. you know?
with all the wrinkles and scars and the general falling apart that's coming 'round the bend. so, i've been seeing this guy.
well, for the last week, anyway! he's kind of a kid. kind of a goofball, but he's really stuck on me, which is flattering. who wouldn't like that? and he's, like, a dope, but he says these smart and moving things sometimes, out of nowhere, that just break my heart. he's the one who gave me that crow photograph.
that made me cry. but, anyway, we went up to boston, because i had this urge to lie on my back on the charles river. it gets frozen this time of year.
exactly! i used to do it in college and i had this urge to go do it again, so i got patrick and we drove all night to get there and he was sweet and said nice things to me, but i was really disappointment to be there with him. y'know? and that's where psychic stuff comes in. like, it just isn't right with him. y'know?
i don't believe in that soulmate crap anymore, but.  he says so many great things. we like the same writers. this writer stephen dixon he turned me on to. and he's cute. it's fucked up. joel, you should come up to the charles with me sometime.
yeah? oh, great!
i'll pack a picnic -- a night picnic -- night picnics are different -- and --
you should stay.
okay.
i would like you to call me. would you do that? i would like that.
you'll call me, right?
when?
tonight. just to test out the phone lines and all.
you were not.
come over after i'm done here?
you rat.
you didn't say anything about my hair.
in the room?
yo ho ho!
anyhoo, sweetie, i done a bad thing. i kinda sorta wrecked your car.
a little. i was a little tipsy. don't call me pathetic.
oh christ i didn't kill anybody. it's just a fucking dent. you're like some old lady or something.
a wino? jesus, are you from the fifties? a wino! face it, joel. you're freaked out because i was out late without you, and in your little wormy brain, you're trying to figure out, did she fuck someone tonight?
fuck you, joel. faggot.
how can you watch this crap?
i'm fucking crawling out of my skin.
i want to have a baby.
no. i want to have a baby. i have to have a baby.
you're not ready.
what?!
joel, we're fucking gonna talk about it!
you can't fucking say something like that and say you don't want to talk about it!
i'd make a fucking good mother! i love children! i'm creative and smart and i'd make a fucking good mother!
it's you! it's you who can't commit to anything! you have no idea how lucky you are i'm interested in you! i don't even know why i am! i should just end it right here, joel. leave you in the zoo. maybe you could find a nice sloth to hang out with!
i'm glad.
would you get me another, joely?
thanky! thanky!
joel, this is mark. he likes my boobs. he came over special to tell me that. isn't that nice. he doesn't think i'm fat.
s'okay, mark. joel doesn't like my boobs. i don't think he likes girls.
you're a whiz kid. so perceptive, so --
you don't tell me things, joel. i'm an open book. i tell you everything. every damn embarrassing thing. you don't trust me.
i want to know you.
joel, you're a liar.
good.
more?
how's the fish?
joely.
do you know the velveteen rabbit?
it's my favorite book. since i was a kid. it's about these toys. there's this part where the skin horse tells the rabbit what it means to be real. i can't believe i'm crying already. he says, "it takes a long time. that's why it doesn't often happen to people who break easily or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. generally by the time you are real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. but these things don't matter at all, because once you are real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."
i don't know. i'm lost. i'm scared. i feel like i'm disappearing. i'm getting old and nothing makes any sense to me.
nothing makes any sense. nothing makes any sense.
come up to boston with me?
now. now! i have to go now. i have to see the frozen charles! now! tonight!
yay! it'll be great! i'll get my shit.
i'm so excited. yay!
it's gorgeous. just my taste. i've never gone out with a guy who brought me a piece of jewelry i liked. thanks. so let's get going. long drive.
such a beautiful view.
oh?
wow. um, well.  can't you just force yourself awake?
what if you hide me?
well.  if they're looking for me in memories i'm in, what if you take me to a memory i'm not in? and we can hide there till morning.
jesus. what's this?
i'm right here.
joel, joely, look.  it's not fading. the memory. i think we're hidden.
you know, we're okay. they're not finding us. you'll remember me in the morning. and you'll come to me and tell me about us and we'll start over.
you remember what happened next?
-- another rainy day. whatever shall we do?
what?
really? is he cute?
gross! you must remember to tell me this in the morning. i'm, like, so freaked out now.
what's wrong with me?
i've never seen you happier.
but can't you see.  i love you, antoine.
yes, but i can't love a man named wally.
hide me somewhere deeper? somewhere buried?
look at you, cutey! what are we doing?
poor joel.
our house! our house!
joel!
thanks, joely. a present! oh boy!
oh, joel. it's beautiful! i mean, you're the first guy who ever bought me a piece of jewelry i could honestly say that about.
i love it!
it's okay. you were a little kid. this is a great birthday present. getting to see you as a boy.
i want to go home.
i love this book, joel. thank you so much for telling me about it.
joel, you're not sewn in. he's wrong.
yeah.
this is our first "date" date.
naomi, i guess.
what was i wearing?
egad, were you horrified?
no, you were with me when i bought that. at that place on east 6th. it was later.
i'll buy that. black's always good.
i said: are you sure? you seem unsure.
but you weren't. i could tell.
so what. infatuation is good, too.
come up and see me.  now.
yes, exactly. exactly my point.
is that what you want?
i didn't think you'd show your face around me again. i figured you were humiliated. you did run away, after all.
yeah?
well, you're married.
look, man, i'm telling you right off the bat, i'm high maintenance. so i'm not going to tiptoe around your marriage or whatever it is you got going there. if you want to be with me, you're with me.
so make your domestic decisions and maybe we'll talk again.
joel, i'm not a concept. i want you to just keep that in your head. too many guys think i'm a concept or i complete them or i'm going to make them alive, but i'm just a fucked-up girl who is looking for my own peace of mind. don't assign me yours.
i had you pegged, didn't i?
probably.
i know.
remember me. try your best. maybe we can.
hi there.
i saw you sitting over here. by yourself. i thought, thank god, someone normal, who doesn't know how interact at these things either.
i can't tell you how happy i am to hear that. i mean, i don't mean i'm happy you're uncomfortable, but, yknow.  i'm such a loser. every time i come to a party i tell myself i'm going to be different and it's always exactly the same and then i hate myself after for being such a clod.
but, i don't know, maybe we're the normal ones, y'know? i mean, what kind of people do well at this stuff?
you did? you liked me?
yeah, i know. i'm fishing.
i'm clementine. can i borrow a piece of your chicken?
oh god, how horrid.
hi, joel. so no jokes about my name?
yeah, like that.
this is it, joel. it's gonna be gone soon.
what do we do?
no, i stopped. i didn't want to feel like i was being artificially modulated.
but my sleeping is really fucked up.
you should try xanax. i mean, it's a chemical and all, but it works.  and it works just having it around, knowing that it's there. like insurance.
i'll give you a couple. see what you think.
have you ever read any anna akhmatova?
really? me, too! i don't meet people who even know who she is and i work in a book store.
me too. there's this poem --
i think, before.
yeah, maybe.
do you know her poem that starts "seaside gusts of wind,. and a house in which we don't live.
yes! i love that poem. it breaks my heart. i'm so excited you know it. look, houses in which we don't live.
i wish we did. you married?
let's move into this neighborhood.
oh.
male or female?
at least i haven't been barking up the wrong tree.
cool.
it's freezing out here.
c'mon, man. the water's fine. nobody's coming here tonight, believe me. this place is closed up. electricity's off.
i could see you wanted to come in, joel.
as soon as you walked in. i knew i had you. you knew i knew that, right?
i knew by your nervousness that naomi wasn't the kind of girl who forced you to criminally trespass.
yeah. what's your girlfriend's name?
ah-ha! now i can look for candles, matches, and the liquor cabinet.
no, it's our house! just tonight -- -- we're david and ruth laskin. which one do you want to be? i prefer to be ruth but i'm flexible. alcohol! you make drinks. i'm going find the bedroom and slip into something more ruth. i'm ruthless at the moment.
so go.
what if you stay this time?
come back and make up a good-bye at least. let's pretend we had one.
bye, joel.
so you'll call me, right?
when?
tonight. just to test out the phone lines.
don't worry. it's really solid this time of year.
isn't it?
what if?
joel, come here. please.
make love?
oh, um.
that's okay. i --
hey, joel --
i'm nervous, too.
well, you obviously don't know me.
show me which constellations you know.
maybe. call someone who'd know.
says you were closed off, non communicative, never told me what you were feeling.
a bully? moi?
well, sounds like me. sorry, man. says you were jealous and suspicious.
did i use the term "sexual conquests" or is that your way of putting it.
doesn't sound like me.
says you were constantly calling me a slob. it's sexy that we were like a married couple, griping and overly-familiar and bored. don't you think?
we should have sex. it's old hat for us.
you know my body like the back of your hand.
every curve, every freckle.
you're still excited by my irreverence. you haven't yet started to think of it as my "gratuitous need to shock."
yay. meet me after work by the old mill.
i just wanted to say that. come by my house.