great. terrific. glad you could make it. how we . ? what, are you kidding me? that's not the point. you cannot continue to walk in at the last moment, jack. jack. jack. christ, will you look at your hair? you look like you just crawled out of bed. thank you. thank you. good evening and welcome to the starfire lounge. my name is frank baker and eighty-eight keys across from me is my little brother, jack. you know, my brother and i have been playing together, gosh, i don't know. how long has it been, jack? that's a lot of water under the bridge, eh, jack? of course, back then, things were a little different. i was eight, jack was seven, just about the only song we knew was 'my bonnie lies over the ocean', and the only one who would listen to us was the family cat, cecil. we must have shaved three lives off that cat, eh, jack? but seriously. it's been fifteen years since jack and i first stepped on the stage as professionals. three states, sixty-eight cities, and more-grayhairs-then-we'd-like-to-admit later. well, believe me, we've seen our share of this crazy country of ours. but even though we've played some of the finest venues in the world . there's one place that's always been, for us, a very special place, and that place is. this place, the starfire lounge. why? well, i guess you could just say it's the . . people. thank you. remember, room service is available till one a.m. for you late-nighters. don't make trouble, all right? yeah, hi, hector. i mean it, jack. behave. thanks, lloyd. uh . thanks. uh . you don't know when you'll be wanting us back, do you, lloyd? uh, well, you know, the way our schedule is, i thought maybe. huh? jack. it's all here. i'll be talking to you, lloyd. you mind telling me what that was about in there? was that planned? or were you just bored and decided to get creative? this isn't the pine tree inn on route 81, jack. fuck him. great. terrific. fuck him. maybe thursday. i hear the harpist at the sheraton's got appendicitis. hey. listen . why don't you come out to the house this weekend. say hello to the kids. they've grown. you're their uncle. they don't. they're always asking about you. it was an accident. cindy. she didn't know what she was doing. you're too sensitive. look, i just thought if you came out you might see what you're missing. just think about it, all right? consider it a standing offer. you want a ride, jack? no, frank, i'll walk. okay, jack, good night. good night, frank. what happened to the two clays, willie? when they coming in? what d'ya got?, what d'you say, willie? tighten her up? two nights. what d'ya got? what do you think? tag 'em, willie. the regency downtown, thursday-friday. thanks. you know, i think it's been five years since i saw you eat anything. that's the god's truth. you look awful. really. you sleeping? seeing anyone in particular? because i'm your brother. because i care about you. because sometimes it seems like the most significant relationship in your life is with that goddamn dog of yours. what about that waitress at the ambassador? funny. strike a bell? it's more than that. by the way, we gotta go see ma tomorrow. no, i mean it. we gotta go, jack. this time you gotta go. you gotta go. your older brother. christ, jack, it's her birthday. so what do you say? think the city can spare you for an afternoon? okay. and don't worry about a present. i got her something from both of us. make sure you lock. place looks good, huh? i got a neighbor boy to mow the lawn, pick up. five bucks. times've changed, huh? see the tree? remember the job cecil did on it the day dad planted it? you can still see the scars on the trunk. really. i was looking at it just the other day. jesus, i thought he was gonna kill that cat. you'll see. how's the birthday girl? uh, ma, you know, no one calls him that anymore. jack. he goes by jack. twenty years, ma . uh . yeah, well, you know, ma, john kennedy went by jack. keep her busy, will ya? i have to set a few things up. go on. recognize these two characters? in the attic. behind some of dad's stuff. look, jack can hardly reach the pedals. i had a boy down at the camera shop cut them all together. boy, old man henderson didn't fool around when he gave a haircut, did he, jack? wait. watch. here comes dad. what do you mean? nah. medication. couple years, now. keeps the beat steady. nothing serious. she was glad to see you. uh, thank you. that concludes our show for this evening. jack and i only hope you enjoyed yourselves as much as we did. yeah, jimmy. all right, tell him i'll be right there. tomorrow we close with the 'aquarius suite.' you wanted to see me, charlie? little slow tonight. what's this? now? why not tomorrow? after the show. what about tomorrow? i've got the grands for two nights, charlie. you can't just -- what're you saying, charlie? twelve years. so? vacation? christ, charlie, it's a monday night. you said so yourself. nothing. everything's great. terrific. cindy! what is it? jack. honey, it's only uncle jack. you remember uncle jack. nothing's the matter. is it, sweetheart? feet! it's probably the excitement of seeing you again. well, look at this. nice, huh? the trees. the flowers. nice. yeah . we're gonna paint in the spring. after the rains. look good as new. i don't know what you mean. i told you. something came up. some political dinner or something. it wasn't like that. no. hey pal, i got a mortgage, all right? i got two kids. i got a wife. besides, he made the deal. there's no shame in it. yeah, that's how i see it. and don't go shaking your head, little brother. i'm not the one who walks in every night smelling like he's got a day job in a piss factory. it killed him, you know. yeah, and what put him up there? look, can we forget last night? we gotta talk. i been thinking maybe we should make some changes. i been thinking maybe we should take on a singer. it's just an idea. i want your opinion. i mean, we go halfway on everything, right? we agreed that if i took care of the business; i'd be entitled to the extra. isn't that what we agreed? if you're unhappy with the arrangement -- if you'd like to assume more of the financial responsibilities, i'd be glad -- i've tried to do well by you, jack. by both of us. i thought maybe twenty percent. look, with the additional bookings we'll come out ahead. the big hotels, they want a pretty girl with a big voice. we have to stay competitive, jack. what's that? two pianos isn't enough anymore, jack. good morning, miss? all right, miss moran i'm sorry? blanche. well, that's fine -- right. uh-huh. well, miss moran, what is it you'd like to do for us? it's one of jack's favorites. uh. he knows it. well, shall we? thank you, miss moran, that's enough. miss moran . miss moran . blanche! yes, it is. thirty-seven. thirty-seven. thirty-seven girls. and not one who can carry a tune. that must be statistically impossible. i just don't understand. you would think someone . anyone . this is where the auditions were. we're finished. you're an hour and a half late. punctuality. first rule of show business. look, miss. we're tired, you have gum on your lip, and we're going home. don't take it personally. impersonally. you're an hour and a half late. we ran long. miss -- terrific. thirty-eight. jack. all right. what's your name? catchy. you have any previous entertainment experience, miss diamond? okay. i think that's all we need to know. that's the premise. uh . we'll let you know. when we know. i just thought we should talk about it. between ourselves. i don't know . she had gum on her lip, for christ sake. i don't think she's right for the act. i was just thinking what ma would think. okay, okay. i'll call the girl. i didn't get her number. we can always look her up in the book. ready? ready? ready? ready? what's the problem? no. we are not supposed to be backing you up. we're a team. we work together. i suppose we can bring it down a little. okay? i'm telling you, ray. she's got a voice like an angel . what? no, i wouldn't say she's got a body like an angel. where the hell is she? i told everyone seven-fifteen. didn't i? seven-fifteen. just like the day of the auditions, right? jesus. how's my hair? yeah, well, your's isn't. let me run a comb though it. come on, stand still. it's not gonna hurt you. you hit me. all right, all right. i'm a little tense. i just wish she'd get here, that's all. christ, look at her. you'd think if she was gonna wear her street clothes she'd have enough sense to come in the back. good evening, miss diamond. you're late. what-? we'll talk about it later. right now, you gotta get changed. where's your dress? is there a language problem here? your dress. for tonight. where is it? that! you can't wear that! it's orange! come on. come on. we don't have much time. just look. what do you wear? a nine? my wife wears a seven. you don't look like a seven to me. okay, okay. here, how about this? we're not exactly silly with time, you know. jack, you find anything? here, how's this? close enough. let's go. all right, but make it quick. shoes! what size do you wear? nine? big feet. see anything? jack, for crying out loud. your bachelorhood's showing. ah, here we go. hey! do these come in black? i don't have a minute, pal. yes or no? okay. give me a pair of nines. pronto. all right, we got your shoes. uh. good. right. they're nines. you can buy new ones tomorrow. don't worry. we'll take it out of your share. we had a little emergency. jesus. we need scissors over here! who's got scissors? okay, remember. jack and i go on first, i do the set-up, then introduce you. and you say . right. carlos, that's,a cleaver. i need scissors. jesus christ. all right. let's go, jack. fix your tie. good evening, ladies and gentlemen. welcome to the ambassador lounge. my name's frank baker and no, you're not seeing double, it's just my little brother, jack. i'm glad you're all in such a good mood tonight, because we've got a very special evening planned . but seriously, folks, as i sit here tonight, looking out on all your kind faces, i can't help but feel some of us have met before. we may not know each other's names, we might not recognize one another on the street, but we know each other just the same. and over the years we've shared something. a little music, a little drink, a little laughter, maybe even. a few tears. but i guess that's what friends are for, huh? and it's especially nice to be among friends tonight, because, well, tonight's a very special night for my brother and i. this evening we've asked a young lady to join us, a lady jack and i are sure will soon seem like just another old friend to you all. she's making her debut here this evening and, as far as i'm concerned, she couldn't be doing it in a better place. because there's one place that's always been for us a very special place, and that place is this place, the ambassador lounge. ladies and gentlemen, please welcome a very special lady with a very special way of singing a song, miss susie diamond. the switch. hit the switch. fucking. she says fucking in front of an entire room of people. did you hear it? fucking. give me that. we are not a saloon act. we do not take tips from dirty old men. we do not take tips. i'll apply this to the cost of the dress. born and bred. we trust you, lloyd. you know that. the twenty-third . yeah, here it is. we got the carlton or the plaza. four day turns. what do you think, jack? jack, you with us? i guess it's,the plaza then. that brings us to the twenty-seventh. we got the avedon for three or the park downtown for two. by the way, i got a messsage yesterday from some guy looking for new year's action. resort, upstate. that's what i figure. probably have us in a bed-and-breakfast playing to the owls. maybe. i'll call him. that's it except for the first. we got the sheraton, the ambassador, or the holiday inn on sixtieth. all three-day turns. uh, well . we flipped a coin. jesus, it's gonna be mean this year. where're your gloves? better take care of your fingers, little brother. buy yourself a case of arthritis and you won't be able to play 'chopsticks.' something, huh? all those bids. yeah . well, i gotta go. no, i. little frank's got strep. donna's been up two nights making sure the rest of us don't get it. you all right? okay i'll see you tomorrow night then. you recognized me. so what do you think? yeah, well, what can i say? dad must've had forty pounds on me. jesus, you remember him being this big? well, the line's growing weaker, little brother. lucky for us there aren't any dragons left to slay. you want to come out to the house tomorrow? the way the bookings been piling up, donna's decided to really lay it on. turkey, stuffing, the whole bit. kitchen's so full of food you can hardly move. we could use another appetite. all right, but if you change your mind, let me know. i gotta go get ma in the morning anyway. for the kids. merry christmas, you two. don't forget. we leave the twenty-sixth. so. how was everyone's christmas? too early, huh? well, there's coffee and donuts for whoever wants them. how about a maple bar, jack? uh, jack . if you don't mind. by the way, if anyone gets bored, donna packed some travel games. they work wonders with the kids. you two could play checkers. sorry. it only plays static. any more coffee? baker's unabridged. virgins. first times. hey, look at this. when's the last time we played a wedding, jack? he's always right. go ahead. pick a virgin. go ahead. jack? first night? last? i told you, he's got the gift. same with music. hears it once and he's got it. my brilliant little brother. will you listen to that ocean? and how about this air? i'm telling you, a few days in this place'll put five years on your life. of course it smells like fish. we're on the ocean. what'd you expect, chanel number five? it's paradise. that's what it is. paradise. hi, we're the fabulous baker boys. no. we're the entertainment. outside. blue chevy. you believe this? i'm telling you, we're getting away with murder. two shows a night and the rest of the time we live like kings. it's a crime. great. yeah. we do. she's got hers, we've got ours. hey. wash and dries. come on, jack. it's not like it's the first time we've bunked together. it'll be like when we were kids. relax. enjoy the view. as charlie steinway is my witness. tell her. it was april. april seventeenth. that one i remember. pearls. white gown. beautiful. a few bars! people.' you think streisand, right? hot that night. chills. through the whole audience. i could hardly play. no. we got a picture, though. one of the waitresses had a camera. god, we were just kids. that was something, wasn't it? hey, will you look at that? what do you say we send a bottle over? not true. besides, jack's the romantic. he's just afraid to show it. aren't you, little brother? good idea. to peggy lee. i'm putting my stuff on the right, okay? i figure that way we won't get confused. unless you want the right. we might as well do the towels the same way. i just figure things'll go smoother, you know, if we have it all worked out from the beginning. but if it doesn't work out, let me know. i'm,flexible. yeah. yeah. yeah. yeah. you mind? i don't know. i mean, i always did it as a kid. i figured it was no big deal. is it? a big deal? oh. i didn't know. i mean, i always did it as a kid. it was never a big deal then. was it? oh. well. you want me to turn it off? i'll turn it off. they're beauties, huh? reminds me of those steinways willie used to have. what? that'd be me, sir. frank baker. this is my brother jack. yes, well, they are. they are in tune. but not with each other. uh, well . i think what mr. daniels is trying to say, jack, is -- jack . jack . you're acting like a kid. what's the matter with you? so the piano's a little out of tune. so what? no! i never hear it! maybe. sometimes. i don't know. but i won't let it bother me. what matters to me is we've got the six easiest nights we've had in ten years. so 'tie a yellow ribbon' sounds a little flat. so what? nobody's gonna hear it, jack. nobody. so why should you care? well, then stuff cotton in your ears, because come six o'clock we're gonna walk into that dining room with smiles on. understand, little brother? jack woke up on the wrong side of the bottle. thank you, thank you. you know, susie and jack and i only just arrived here yesterday, but already the people here at the king corporation's moorish manor have made us feel, well, a part of the family. and it's their hope that, before you leave, everyone of you will feel a part of that family also. so, if during-the next few days, we should happen to pass one another in the hallway or in the lobby or wherever . don't be a stranger. stop. say hello. introduce yourself. because here, there are no strangers, only friends. and family. right, jack? what? uh, well, i love you, too, jack. so. susie. how 'bout it. got another song for us? well then . shall we? what's the matter with you? how dare you say you love me. someone needs to grow up. i won't take it, jack. what's it look like i'm doing? i'm tuning a goddamn piano. yes, really. i don't want you to be unhappy, jack. if you say it's out of tune, it's out of tune. fine. half-hour. once i finish this octave i'm gonna get breakfast. you see what's on the buffet? two hours ago! what do you make that? paruchi? you haven't seen susie, have you? just wonder what she's up to. i never see her. makes me nervous. yeah, well, she's our girl now. i think we better keep an eye on her. there's trouble there. hey, listen to this. ethel and bert lane. married seventy-five years. you believe that? dedications. i came up with the idea on the road. see, every morning the maids drop one of these cards in each room. the guest fills out the card, leaves it at the front desk, and that night we play it. daniels went crazy for the idea. and that's not all. last night, after the nine o'clock, he corners me, right, and starts asking about our availability. like he wants to line something up. i think he's got a hard-on for susie. uh . frank baker. this is my brother. oh. well, thank you. funny, huh? thinking there's someone who looks like you, walking around the street somewhere. wonder if i saw him i'd think it was you? thank you. you know, before we came out here this evening, susie and jack and i were looking over your dedications and something struck us. we realized that, well, we're really not so different from one another after all. oh sure, we may be at different points in our journey, but we all travel pretty much the same road. and so, with that in mind, we'd like to introduce you to two very special couples. first, married for all of two days, please say hello to helen and bud wilson. helen. bud. and now, our second couple. i'm talking about ethel and bert lane, ladies and gentlemen. now, ethel and bert would be upset with me if i told you they'd been married for fifty years. why? because, ladies and gentlemen, ethel and bert lane have been married for seventy-five years! ethel, bert. get up here and show these kids how it's done. aren't they a sight? you want to tell me what the hell's going on? i just saw a man walk out of your room. in case you've forgotten, we're being paid to be here. so it might be nice if you conducted yourself with a certain amount of decency. no. you listen. i had my doubts about you from the beginning we were just having a little discussion about morality. i just saw a man walk out of your room! huh? what are you talking about? he was wearing a suit. how come i didn't hear anything? i guess i . if i jumped to. well. yes, daddy promises. i'll bring you one of the little glasses, how's that? just like grandma has. it has a picture of the hotel on it and everything . no, honey, they don't sell puppies here . who? . well, we'll see. let me talk to mommy, okay?. okay,sweetheart. happy new year. hi, honey. she says angela secoli got a puppy for christmas. explain to her why we can't . i don't know, tell her you're allergic . it's not lying. well, okay, it is lying, but . all right, then tell her i'll explain it . he what? . no kidding? without the training wheels? well, that's great. tell him, tell him. i can't wait to see . no, no new bike. maybe for his birthday . okay. listen, honey, i have to go.we're on in ten minutes . yeah, happy new year . i love you . well, let's go. the public waits. all right, everyone. this is it. let's hear it. ten. nine . ah, well, if it isn't the lad with the golden ear. happy new year, little brother. celebrating. join me? no, you're wrong. it's just beginning. come on, have a drink. show your big brother how it's done. a gift. courtesy of our courteous hotel manager, mr. daniels. we, dear brother, are a fucking smash. yup. they want us back. easter. it seems they have this egg hunt every year. only not for kids. adults. they stuff these plastic eggs with timexes and little certificates for free mai tais and everyone has a grand time crawling around on the front lawn. then afterwards, they have a dance. an egg dance. everyone comes dressed in a different colored shell and at the end of the evening they crack themselves open. it's our job to separate the yolks from the whites. slippery business. you know, i've never kissed my wife on new year's. not once in twelve years. the holmby has a chandelier like that doesn't it? with the blue glass. right. the royal. when's the last time we were there? february? right. it's incredible how you do that. remember things. drove me crazy when we were kids. the way you never looked at the music. miss simpson would just play it and . not for me. i still have to look at the music sometimes, you know that? otherwise, i forget. i just forget. but you. you never forget. ever. so how come you couldn't remember ma's birthday? god, the old man would've loved this view, wouldn't he? i always think of him on new year's. how he used to pour us each half a can of beer. remember? yeah, and you drank yours like it was orange juice. he loved that about you. it was like you'd passed some test, you know? yeah, but he told you things. he never told me anything. even though i was the oldest. it was always you two, running off, doing things together. i could've. but he didn't want me to. maybe so. you ever go back there? where it happened. want one? ah well, the kids'll break a couple anyway. i think i'll warm up the car. that takes care of this week. the tenth we got the sheraton, the sixteenth we're at the capri. what? what do you mean? be reasonable, jack. how about you? got a bar mitzvah this weekend? forget it. what? what're you talking about? they love it. susie. it's one more show. one more time. that's all. the flu. doctor's orders. look, nick. you want us to pack up, we'll pack up. just until we find another girl. you want to know how much i got tied up in deposits with willie? we're in for three weeks solid, jack. we got the roosevelt on thursday, the park in a couple of weeks. larry shelton said he'd let me know by friday on the ambassador. that's it. i got some calls out. things that might be good for us. we'll try for a girl again next week. okay. well, the roosevelt then. you know, my brother and i have been playing together, gosh, i don't know. jack? of course, uh, back then it was, uh, a little different. we were just kids. just about the only one who would listen to us was the family cat, cecil. we must've shaved three lives off old cecil, huh, jack? yeah, well, anyway. it's nice to be back here in the roosevelt room, because this has always been . a very special place for jack and i. and tonight we'd like to open with a very special song. it's the song my mother and father danced to the night they were married. this is for them. you should've told us you were coming, ma. we would've come and got you. so what'd you think? the audience was a little off tonight. i guess you're,right. well, what do you say we get a little midnight snack? theo's should still be open. no, we're not. jack? you sure? a cab? ma, come on. my car's just a half block down. you wait here. your limo's ready, ma. no. i told you, jack. it's a telethon. no one gets a cent. i don't know. some disease. i don't know. it's a disease, jack. we're against it. it's not a moral decision. seventy-one a channel. it's just a little further down the dial, that's all. look, it's publicity. publicity's publicity. right? the guy said to find studio e and turn right. what's that say? i guess it's that way. this must be it. i'll see when we're on. we're on after meadowlark. what's wrong? what? what? jack . jack, you're on television. hey, leave him alone. jack. we just,passed the car. jack. this is a tuxedo. three hundred dollars. you gonna talk to me? or is this jack's famous silent act? look, it was for publicity. do you understand? publicity. look. i didn't know when we were going to be on until yesterday. what was i supposed to do? i had the pianos anyway. i'm sorry. i should've checked it out. i screwed up. but that doesn't mean you walk out in the middle of a gig. it wasn't professional, jack. it was a stunt. a stupid-ass stunt. dignity? who the hell are you to talk about dignity? this where you get your dignity, jack? this is where you get your courage? no, let's do it straight for once, shall we? let me explain something to you, little brother. see, i've got people who depend on me. i've got a wife and two children who expect to wake up every morning with food on the table and heat in the house. i got a mortgage. i got car payments. i got ma's medical bills. oh yeah, and i got you. yeah, you. jack the shadow who's so cool and so hip and so fucking sure he's better than everyone else. don't you think i'd like to walk up to one of these assholes and blow smoke in his face? goddamn right i would. but i can't. because i have to be responsible, little brother. i have to make sure the numbers balance out in my favor at the end of each month so everyone can go on living their lives. you don't win medals for it, but you can be damn sure you'd all take notice if i folded up shop. so don't talk to me about dignity, little brother. you're drawing on a weak hand. great. terrific. walk away. you're good at that, jack. just don't forget to stop off for another bottle of courage on your way home. that's what he'd do. you've found the perfect solution to all the pain in the world, haven't you, little brother? eight-fifty a bottle, available any time day or night at your friendly neighborhood liquor store. you're weak, jack. just like he was. no, let's stay on it. i'm sick and tired of watching you make him up into some kinda god. for christ sake, jack, he died doing a stupid bullshit jig. he left a wife and two sons. he wasn't a hero. he was a fool. that's right. i wasn't there. i don't have the luxury of being a witness to tragedy. no, fuck you. and fuck him too. fuck the both-of you. hey, what're you doing? hey! jack! . jack! . my hands! my hands! jack! jack! jack! you know how good he is? it's like breathing with him. i've always envied it. but tonight, looking at all this -- at his face -- i don't know. maybe it's worse. for him. it's funny. when i sit here and play . nothing. but when i was up there with him. it was like i had the gift, too. come on, jeremy. open the door. jeremy. you want me to call your father? he's not going to be very happy when he hears he's spending fifteen dollars an hour for you to sit on the toilet. you believe this? the kid won't come out. i'm playing 'camptown races' for him and the next thing i know he's locked himself in the bathroom. there's nothing sharp in there, is there? where are our kids? has he got one of them in there? i didn't hear you come in. oh . i was just hoping for something to drink. but it seems the old lady was dry. not even a bottle of cooking sherry. uh, we already boxed some things. i figured you'd want to go through dad's stuff. it's in there. if you want to get started. oh. yeah. it was all worked out before, you know. she and dad had taken care of it. i set it for wednesday. the ceremony. they're doing the stone today. it's okay? wednesday? there's not going to be a viewing. i figured with the kids and all . it's funny. before, whenever i came here, the house seemed small. but today . i can't keep up with it. i keep losing my wind. god, i could use a drink. oh. well, great. i'll get a couple glasses. damn. donna must've packed them up this morning. no. no, it's not that. i . can't drink from the bottle. i . gag. oh, hey, i want to show you something. come on. hit the c. go ahead. i'm right, aren't i? they're in tune. all these years. she kept them in tune. can you imagine? now why would she do something like that? hey, what do you know. looks like we can have that drink after all. what's your pleasure? we got the downtown ramada. we got the travelodge on route 41. and . the mallory. good choice. looks like these got a few years on them. jesus. oh. fine. it was nothing. couple sore knuckles. nothing. yeah, i know. me, too. i can keep the beat. charlie called. yeah. larry shelton. blackie. couple others. donna said even lloyd called the other day. nothing like a little absence to make the heart grow fonder, huh? jesus, when was the last time we played the mallory? right. it was someone's birthday. halloran? christ, that's right. how could i forget. what a nightmare. i told halloran we didn't do vocals, but he said: well . one more time?