aloha. my name is mr. hand.
i have but one question for you on our first morning 'together.' can you attend my class? pakalo?.  understand?.  history has proven us one basic fact. man does not do anything that is not for his own good. it is for your own good that you attend my class. and if you can't make it.  i can make you.
we have a twenty-question quiz every friday. it will cover all the material we've dealt with during the week. there will be no make-up exams. it's important that you all have your land of truth and liberty textbooks by wednesday. at the latest.
your grade is the average of all your quizzes, plus the midterm and final, which counts for one-third. got it?
also. there will be no eating in this class. you get used to doing your own business on your own time. that's one demand i make. i don't like staying after class with you on detention. that's my time. i don't like wasting it. just like you wouldn't want me to come to your house some evening and discuss u.s. history on your time. pakalo?
yes?
what class?
really?
oh, please. i get so lonely when that third attendance bell rings and i don't see all my kids here.
mr. spicoli?
yes.
no problem at all. i think you know where the front office is.
i've taken the time to print up a complete schedule of class quizzes, and the chapters they cover. please pass them back to the desks behind you.
c.  d.  f.  f.  f.  three weeks we've been talking about the platt amendment. what are you people? on dope? a piece of legislation was introduced into congress by senator john platt. it was passed in 1906. this amendment to our constitution has a profound impact upon all of our daily liv.
where is jeff spicoli?
i saw him earlier today near the 200 building bathrooms. is he still on campus?
anyone?
yes, desmond?
how long ago?
okay. bring him in.
what is this fascination with truancy? what is it that gets inside your heads?
there are other teachers in this school who look the other way at truants. it's a little game that you both play. they pretend they don't see you, you pretend you don't ditch. who pays the price later? you.
thank you, desmond. what's the reason for your truancy?
you mean, you couldn't? or you wouldn't?
food will be eaten on your time! why are you continuously late for this class, mr. spicoli? why do you shamelessly waste my time like this?
i like that.
don't you like that, miss hamilton?
i really like that too. 'i don't know'.  that's nice. 'mr. hand, will i pass this class?' 'gee, mr. spicoli, i don't know'. i like that. i think i'm going to leave your words on this board for all my classes to enjoy. giving you full credit, of course, mr. spicoli.
you can go now.
now in 1898, spain owned cuba. outright. think about it. cuba, owned by a disorganized parliament 4,000 miles away. cubans were in a constant state of revolt.
in 1904, the united states decided to throw a little weight around, and.
who is it?
again?
am i hallucinating here? just what in the hell do you think you're doing?
mr. spicoli, you're on dangerous ground here. you're causing a major disturbance in my class and on my time.
and you, my friend. i'll see you for a two-hour detention every afternoon this week.
that's right, jeff. mind if i come in?
thank you, mr. and mrs. spicoli.
were you going somewhere tonight, jeff?
i'm afraid we've got some things to discuss here, jeff.
do you want to sit there, jeff?
fine. you sit right here on your bed. i'll use the chair here. as i explained to your parents just a moment ago, and to you many times since the very beginning of the school year -- i don't like to spend my time waiting for late students, or detention cases. i'd rather be preparing the lesson.
according to my calculations, mr. spicoli, you wasted a total of eight hours of my time this year. and rest assured that is a kind estimate.
now, mr. spicoli, comes a rare moment for me. now i have the unique pleasure of squaring our account. tonight, you and i are going to talk in great detail about the davis agreement, all the associated treaties, and the american revolution in particular. now if you can just turn to chapter 47 of lord of truth and liberty.
well, then, i'm glad i remembered to bring an extra copy just for you.
very close, jeff.
i think i've made my point with you tonight.
what's that?
well, you'll find out next year.
if you graduate.
don't worry, spicoli. you'll probably squeak by.
aloha, spicoli.