to some guys, women are like a cheap puzzle.  with pieces that just don't fit. they think the soul of a woman is darker than a back alley.  more tangled than a telephone cord.  and colder than a klondike bar in canada. but those guys don't even have a clue.
when you know women the way i do, you understand exactly what what makes them tick.  what makes them hum.  what makes them jiggle up and down when they walk. and it's not the kind of thing you can learn from a correspondence course.
there are two kinds of women in this world.  and i've known 'em both.
one will take you for a fast ride on a bumpy road with no seat belt. but the other kind.
just trying to keep you awake, arch.
it's true. women are very complex, but if you know how to read 'em.  they're an open book. you can always tell the rotten apples from the peaches.
i'd stake my career on it. anybody ever proves me wrong, i'll throw away my badge.
i used to believe that too. until i married lana. now, she.  is a peach.
i'd love to have kids.
logic. he knocked off all those banks. he's got cash. he's gonna want to spend it. this is one of the few places that still takes cash. sooner or later.  he's gotta turn up.
the "support hose bandit"? when you see him.  you'll know him.
sure.
no thanks. i have plenty.
i'd be insulted, but i know you're serious.
i'm not as dumb as i look.
ravine. ned ravine. and you are?
i'm on duty.
cop.
you lose.
who can say no to a weiner?
you come here often?
oh! sorry.
get something to wipe it off.
i'll get you a wet paper towel.
hold it right there, milo!
police emergency! i need your car!
you take science in high school, milo?
then you're probably not familiar with the theory of inverse proportionate explosive dynamics.
if you fire a weapon with the barrel obstructed, the explosive force multiplies by twenty-three point five nine eight and reverses on itself with diametric polarity?
the gun will blow up in your hand.  and it won't even scorch my pinkie.
oh yeah. then pull the trigger, smart guy. let's find out.
you have the right to remain silent.  next.  if you waive that right, anything you say.  next.
may be used against you in a court of law.  next.  you have the right to an attorney.  do you have an attorney?
then today's your lucky day.
morning sweetheart.
no thanks.
how long you been working on lana's mercedes, frank?
and ya still haven't found the problem?
i know what he's doing, lana. i wasn't born yesterday. he's not fixing your car. he's screwing you!
you are screwing my wife! i can see what your game is, frank. you open up her hood, poke around in there.  squirt some lubrication in.  play around with all her parts.  then take an old used piston and stick it in.  then pull it out.  in, out, in, out! every day! there's no end to it. you just keep coming and coming!.  and the bill just gets bigger and bigger!
but you don't see it, do you, lana? you're too good.  too pure. you can't see the evil in people like him. well, you're not getting away with it, pal. i'm pulling the plug! you're fired!
oh.  yeah. thanks, honey. i'm late for court.
you are so naive.
finish your coffee.  then get out!
laura.  do you know where?
yeah. good idea.
i don't know what i'd do without you?
laura, how long have you worked for me?
and when was the last time i gave you a raise?
naw. that's okay. you keep it.
laura. laura! what is it?
maybe we should try some prune juice.
ladies and gentlemen.  i ask you.  does this look like the face of a crook?
of course it does. but the question of my client's guilt or innocence is not the issue here today. i'm certain every member of the jury can clearly see that he's guilty!
put yourself in his shoes. look through his eyes. see the world the way he sees it!
things just don't look the same. it's fuzzy.  and frightening!
ladies and gentlemen.  milo crumley is not the perpetrator here. he is the victim!
like all of us.  this man is the unfortunate victim of these tragically difficult economic times. and what does that mean? he can't support his family!
for god's sake!.  he can't even support his own face!
and so, desperate and broke, with no other options before him, mr. crumley went to eleven savings & loans and did what any of you would have done. he stole back the money that the s&ls had stolen from him!
i call.  detective ned ravine.
i do.
detective ravine, at the time of the arrest, did you read the defendant his miranda rights?
of course. that's standard procedure.
are these the cards officer brooks used to prompt you while reading mr. crumley his rights?
yeah. these are them.
reading from the cards now.  quote "you have the right to remain silent, if you waive that right, anything you say.  may be used against you in a court of law." is that right?
that's right.
wrong! the official miranda warning is.  "anything you say can be used against you in a court of law." not "may".  "can!" don't you know the difference between "can" and "may", detective? every school kid knows "can" is a verb that indicates ability to perform, while "may" is a verbal auxiliary indicating the permission to act.
i didn't have time to worry about past participles or interrogative pronouns! i was trying to protect society from a deranged madman! but this ivy league fop!!!
i have no more use for this witness.
ow!
pushes the door open. it's lola. she wears a tight white dress, long white gloves and broad-brimmed hat. the hat tips up slowly, revealing her eyes.
i got busy. here's that paper towel i promised.
how'd you get in? the door was locked.
no.  thanks. they're bad for ya.
only once. it was a fraternity prank. i never saw him again.
oh. yeah. well, there's a lot of scum out there on the streets.  but they all deserve a fair and costly trial.
oh.  laura.  this is, uh.
gotta keep these darn books in their right place or we'll never find the ones we need. let's see, q thru m.  r thru b.  w thru f.
i have my car.
not today. you don't need to wait. i'll see you tomorrow.
tomorrow.
try these on.
so.  what can i do for you?
i'll help you miss cain, if i'm able. do you have the.  papers.  here?
i'm on duty tonight.
yeah. tomorrow.
what's wrong with my office?
stand over there and shut up!
watch your mouth, punk! i don't want to hear language like that!
aw.  i don't know. i guess it's lana. it's just.  i know she wants to have a baby so bad.
but i never get to spend any time with her. and when i am home.  it's like she's, you know.  avoiding sex.
that can't be it. i'm the tenderest guy on the force. nah.  i think she's just afraid she won't be able to get pregnant.
naw.  i can't. i got all this paperwork.
damn birds!
i was. who's in my office?
not again.
hello, mrs. shady.
laura.  check on my insurance. make sure it's paid up.
gee, has it been seven years already?
well, being locked in a tiny room with no tv can make a guy feel pretty tense.
i'm sure the experience wasn't all negative. he probably made a lot of friends.
learned a useful trade.
caught up on all those books he wanted to read.
i hate when she comes to see me.
what's that?
no.  i mean that.
i don't think so.
laura! are you alright? that was a very long flashback you had.
oh yeah, before i forget.  you asked me to take care of this.
you smoke too much. it's hot tonight.
maybe we should look for a cooler place.
what're they lookin' at?
i feel honored.
did you bring the.  papers?
sure. i'll drive you.
i'll follow you then.
they'll think i'm a putz for passing up a sure thing.
well, here we are.  in the dark.
you what?
you know, these would work a lot better if you took them out of the boxes.
why don't we take a look at those.  papers?
that's it? these are the.  papers?
this one's a laundry receipt.  and the other one's an expired lottery ticket.
cash would be nice.
i suppose you could wash my car.
hey.  slow down.  there's a speed limit in this state. sixty-five miles an hour.
oh, about a hundred and twenty-three.
suppose i let you off with a warning?
suppose i put you under arrest for being a bad girl with bad thoughts?
suppose i do and then we lose the key and while i'm gone to get a duplicate made the house catches on fire and i can't get back to save you because the bridge is washed out and so you die a horrible death toasted like a polish sausage on a flaming spit! nah.  i better be going.
no thanks. i got a cold shower and a wife who trusts me waiting at home.
don't forget to lock up.
i forgot my car keys.
yes it is.
that's madam butterfly, isn't it?
oh yeah, sure.  now i can hear it.
really? i never could understand the lyrics.
you know, what happened last night was very, uh.
but we can't ever let it happen again. ever!
i wouldn't put it exactly like that. it's just that.  well, i'm married to a wonderful woman.  who is very, very attractive.  . not that you aren't very attractive!
you aren't very attractive.  you aren't very attractive.  you aren't very attractive.
i'd like to buy a pet.
it's a gift.  for my wife.
she spends a lot of time alone. i thought it might be nice if she had something to keep her company.
i would never hurt an animal.
you do all my paperwork?
get out of here.
he's just working through his anger, trying to find a constructive outlet.
trust me, i spent a lot of time with him when i was preparing his case. he's really a very sweet, sensitive human being.
he gets a little melon-dramatic.
see. loves to exaggerate.
lieutenant ravine.
i told you not to call me! it's finished between us. no. no, i'm not sucking anything of yours anymore! it's done! over!
wrong number.
i didn't. it's for my wife.
what?
no there isn't.
who?
i hadn't noticed.
stick a knife in your.  . rip the eyeballs out of your.  . drive razor-sharp spikes under your.
cut it off.  shove it in a blender.
he's just getting it out of his system. once they say it.  they never do it. you know.  like the president.
where did you get that?
what are you doing with it?
jeez, laura, what do you use a gun for?
laura.  put the gun away.
what is it?
why? what have you heard?
only part of the time.
i promise i'll spend more time with you. i know it's been rough, being alone so much. but i'll make it up to you. maybe we should try again, you know.  to have a baby.
oh.  i brought you a present!
it's.  sorta like a cat.
it's a little skunk. i got it at birds-and-skunks-r-us.
so.  what're you going to name him?
yeah. got a nice ring to it. i've always liked the name ned.
so whatdya think? you love ned junior as much as you love me?
frank? the only frank i know is an auto mechanic.  but i sure as hell wouldn't recommend the guy. he's really slow.
i told you, what happened was a big mistake. a one night stand. it's over. i have a wife.
i hate opera!
he's busy right now.
look, i told you.  mr. pokey made a big mistake! one lousy mistake in his whole stinkin' life! so why don't you give him a break! besides.  he belongs to my wife!
your birthday! today? why didn't you tell me?
well, i'm taking you out to celebrate!
i insist. and i want to get you a nice present.
yeah.  aren't they great! they last forever. and you can cut right through a shoe with 'em!
it's nice to be off the streets.  away from all the pain and misery out there.
boy, does she look stupid in that hat.
laura's incredible. and so smart. smart enough to recognize that ginzu knives are the gift of a lifetime. but she never goes out with guys. i wonder why?
but who cares if she.  oh, sorry.
go ahead.
i insist.  please.
the legal symposium.
tomorrow.
yeah. i'm driving up in the morning.
i'm a man, laura. and all men feel passion at one time or another. even me.
what would you think of a married man who gave in to those wild, sensual, raging desires?
what if, for just one crazy moment, he couldn't resist? he got knocked for a loop and lost control?
what if a tidal wave of lust crashed over him and he was sucked into a vortex of wild, thrashing urges?
well.  it's not your problem. i'll work it out.
see you tonight, junior.
this neighborhood is getting worse all the time! damn kids stole my engine!
i'll just fly up.
yeah. so?
dammit.
i can't do it. you know how i feel about riding trains.
yeah.  right. a short trip.
a short trip to hell in a metal tomb!
and my brother, jeff.
my two sisters.
my best friend, al.  my dog, woof.  grandma rose.  and uncle lionel. all killed by trains!
yeah. i guess i can't bring them back by not riding on a train.
but i just can't get over this stupid nagging fear that.
i guess you're right.
but we'll never make it to the station. by the time a cab gets here.
twelve minutes. we'll never make it.
we're not going to make it.
i'll stand in the vestibule between the cars.
this.  is not a toy!
in this crazy world, there's not a whole lot a guy can count on. but when the chips are down, i can always count on you.
you risked your life to save mine. a guy can't ask any more from a woman than that.
but i saw you shoot him, lana. in cold blood. i gotta arrest you for murder.
sorry. i'm a cop. i have a job to do.
don't worry, baby. i know a good lawyer.
that's a question for the arresting officer.
you'll have to ask her attorney.
only her husband can answer that.
a lovely powder blue dress with a cinch waist, full bodice and a delicately pleated skirt.
no comment.
i said.  no comment!
jeez.  they're really throwing some tough questions out there today.
yeah.  well i call it a "high-tech lynching of an uppity white housewife."
what's this?
"to serve man."
to arch.  love to have you for dinner sometime.  hannibal. very nice.
judge said no bail. don't worry. just tell the truth, you'll be fine.
who's gonna handle the interrogation?
okay, okay!.  i'll handle it.
don't give us a tough time. just spill it! what were you doing on that train?
as your attorney, i must advise you.  you don't have to answer that question.
alright, quit playing games with us! who put ya up to it? where'd you get the gun? what's your link with the cia?
whoa whoa whoa whoa! that's it! i will not tolerate this unwarranted badgering of my client. she'll have her day in court, gentlemen.
i want to thank you, mrs. ravine, for being so cooperative with these gentlemen. did you get all that down, laura. every word she said?
no!
nooooo!
noooooooooooooo!!!
what?
where's ned junior? where is he?!
you can't just break into my house, cook my food.  borrow my skunk! leave me alone. stay out of my face! out of my neighborhood! out of my life!
objection! move to strike. hearsay, irrelevant, stupid, idiotic, caca- doody poo-poo.
and can you tell us what this is?
a fax in which he threatened to puree certain parts of my anatomy in a blender! i'd like to submit this into evidence.
and is this the blender you found in the lavatory of the train?
i'd like this marked as evidence.
i'm really worried about this guy. he could blow our whole case right out of the water.
no way! uh-uh! missed by a mile!
mrs. shady.  would you tell us about your son, max. was he a.  a good boy?
but he got into trouble once in awhile.  like all kids do?
and what, uh.  what are these?
this is cute.
and is this max.  with all the tools.  fixing his bike?
did you encounter the victim.  max shady.  on board the train?
and is that the cigar in your ear?
i'd like the cigar and the head of this witness entered into evidence.
the defense calls.  lana ravine!
now, mrs. ravine.  may i call you lana?
mrs. ravine.  would you please tell the court.  what were you doing on that train?
do you want to have children?
but you couldn't have children if my.  . were.  . and, uh.
so you followed him, knowing you had to protect me.  your husband.  your best friend.  the man you love.  the future father of your children.
and when you saw that maniac standing in the vestibule, waiting to pulverize my pee-pee.  you pulled the gun and fired and fired and fired!
the defense rests, your honor.
how can you convict a courageous woman who risked everything to save the life of her beloved husband? a woman who acted boldly to stop a demented maniac from doing this!.
pulverizing the private parts of the man she loves!
lana ravine is a loving wife and the potential mother of my potential child. i challenge you to strike a blow for motherhood and the american justice system! put the "con" back in the constitution. put the "ju" back in jurisprudence. put the "can" back in american. and put the "dom" back in freedom. find this woman innocent!.  so we can all go to bed happy tonight!
yeah.  the same gun that saved my life. i'm sure it has sentimental value.
he's sure got that right.
the "mechanic" part, i mean.
i don't know why, arch, but i just can't shake this crazy hunch it wasn't suicide.
um? she told you her name was um? and what other lies did she tell you? i've never seen this woman in my life! never followed her home! never had sex with her in the refrigerator! it's all a sick fantasy.  and i deny everything!
when will women like you learn, you can't tear apart a perfectly good marriage with your vicious lies.  miss ummmm!
i know it's been a tough ordeal.  with the trial and everything. tell you what.  let's take a trip.
yeah. just the two of us.
great. listen.  i got something to take care of. i'll be back in awhile.
i just want to talk.
no thanks. i'm driving.
stay away from my life, my wife, my home and my pets! i'm taking lana on a vacation and when i come back, i don't ever want to see your face again!
what are you talking about? you don't know anything about lana?
how do you know her? who is she to you? tell me!
who is she!
who is she!?
liar! who is she?
who is she!
him? who, him?
you wore the same clothes?
what're you talking about? you two don't look anything alike.
you're beautiful.
they did a terrific job!
but.  you're gorgeous!
that's why you did all this? seduced me.  harrassed me.  the tape.  the flowers.  the phone calls.
it won't work. lana loves me.
lana killed frank kelbo?
yeah. why? did he burn you on car repairs too?
the pieces of the puzzle were falling into place and i didn't like the picture they were making. if lana really killed frank kelbo, then i had misjudged her by a mile. sure.  he was a lousy mechanic. but murder?
it was all starting to give me a headache bigger than the national deficit.
lana?
come on in. i'll make some tea. grab a chair.
so.  what have you got?
how about ovaltine?
i'm way ahead of you.
so that's where she hid the oreos.
that's the craziest thing i ever heard.
yeah.  they're sisters. twin sisters.
this is so unbelievable.
that damn faucet keeps turning on all by itself. i'll go check it.
you were right.  there's a million things i don't know about women. maybe you can teach me a few hundred.
hell.  i had too many careers anyway.
what?
huh?!!!
sure i'll marry you! next tuesday would be perfect!
great.
so.  maybe i was wrong. maybe women really are like a big jigsaw puzzle.  with pieces that never seem to fit where you want 'em to.
all i know is, there are three things that men can't possibly ever do.
understand women.  give birth.  and program a vcr. and giving birth is the easy one.
yeah, laura?
no. but if you hum a few bars.  i'll fake it.