don't make a fuss. i'm fine. i'll get up.
i have a test today. i have to take it. i want to get into a good college so i can have a fruitful life.
i'm okay, mom. i feel perfectly. oh, god!
is that jeanie? i can't see that far. jeanie?
please don't be upset with me, jeanie. be thankful that you're fit and have your health. cherish it.
i'll be okay. i'll just sleep. maybe i'll have an aspirin around noon.
it's nice to know i have such loving, caring parents. you're both very special people.
they bought it.
incredible! one of the worst performances of my career and they never doubted it for a second. what a beautiful day!
parents always fall for the clammy hands. it's physical evidence of illness. it's a good, non-specific symptom. parents are generally pretty hip to the fever scams. and to make them work you have to go a hundred and one, hundred and two. you get a nervous mother and you end up in a doctor's office and that's worse than school.
fake a stomach cramp and when you're doubled over, moaning and wailing, just lick your palms. it's a little stupid and childish but then so if high school. right?
this is my ninth sick day with semester. if i go for ten, i'm probably going to have to barf up a lung. so, i absolutely must make this one count.
i don't care if you're fifty five or seven, everybody needs a day off now and then. it's a beautiful day. how can i be expected to handle high school?
i do actually have a test. that wasn't bullshit.
that i care about it was.
it's on european socialism. i mean, really. what's the point? i'm not european. i don't plan to be european. so, who gives a shit if they're socialists? they could be fascist anarchists and it still wouldn't change the fact that i don't own a car.
well shake it up, baby,
not that i condone fascism. or and "isms". "isms", in my opinion are not good. a person should not believe in an "ism". he should believe in himself. john lennon said it on his first solo album. "i don't believe in beatles, i just believe in me." a good point there. afterall, he was the walrus.
i could be the walrus and i'd still have to bum rides off people.
i'm not very political? let me put that into perspective.
my uncle went to canada to protest the war, right? on the fourth of july he was down with my aunt and he got drunk and told my dad he felt guilty he didn't fight in viet nam. so i said, "what's the deal, uncle jeff? in wartime you want to be a pacifist and in peacetime you want to be a soldier. it took you twenty years to find out you don't believe in anything?" grounded. just like that. two weeks. be careful when you deal with old hippies. they can be real touchy.
my mother was a hippie. but she lost it. she got old. if she listens to the white album now? she doesn't hear music, she hears memories. nostalgia is her favorite drug. it'll probably be mine, too. i hope not.
in eighth grade a friend of mine made a bong out of one of these. the smoke tasted like glue.
his name is garth volbeck. he's a serious outsider. not a bad guy, i like him. i'm probably his only friend. i do what i can for him. i mean, if i was him, i'd appreciate it. do unto others, right? anyway, his mother owns a gas station. his father's dead and his sister's rumored to be a prostitute, which is complete bullshit. she only puts out so people will hang out with her. it's sad but i don't hold it against her. better to hold it against the guys who use her and don't care about her. my parents never allowed garth over here. it was because of his family. mainly his older brother. he's in jail. i could see them not wanting his brother here because he is a registered psycho. i wouldn't want him here. i once watched the guy eat a whole bowl of artificial fruit just so he could see what it was like to have his stomach pumped. but garth isn't his brother. it isn't his fault that his brother's screwed-up. alot of fights with the parents on that point. i always felt for garth. i was sleeping at his house once and i was laying on the dark worrying that his brother was going to come in and hack me to death with an ax and i heard garth crying. i asked him what was wrong and he said, "nothing". .  nothing was wrong. there was no specific thing he was crying about. in fact, he wasn't really even aware that he was crying. he just cried himself to sleep every night. it was a habit. the guy's so conditioned to grief that if he doesn't feel it, he can't sleep. how could you possibly dump on guy who has to deal with that kinda shit? my parents acknowledge the trudge of the situation and i'm sure that deep down, they do feel for him but still the guy's banned from our house.
unfortunately, now my parents have a legit argument. garth doesn't need his brother to give him a rep anymore. he's getting one on his own. he's lost. it's over for him. he's eighteen. gone from school. gone from life. his legacy is a gas station.
one very serious danger is playing sick is that it's possible to believe your own act.
that and boredom. alot of people ditch and feel great for about an hour. then they realize there's nothing to do. tv and food. i myself have ditched and gotten so bored i did homework. figure that shit out.
you have to plan things out before you take the day off. otherwise you get all nervous worrying about what to do and all you get is grief and the whole point is to take it easy, cut loose and enjoy.
you blow your day and at about three o'clock, when everybody's out of school, you're going to wish you'd gone to school so you could be out having fun.
avoid the misery. plan your day. do it right.
there's alot of pressure at work in my age group. and it's not always recognized.
some guy whose hair is falling out and his stomach's hanging over his belt and everything he eats makes him fart, he looks at someone like me and thinks, "this kid's young and strong and has a full, rich future ahead of him, what's he got to bitch about?"
that's just one reason why i need a day off every now and then.
i'm taking the day off. get dressed and come over.
it's all in your head. come on over.
if anybody needs a day off, it's cameron. he has alot of things to sort out before he graduates. he can't be wound this tight and go to college. his roommate'll kill him. i've come close myself. but i like him. he's a little easier to take when you know why he's like he is. the boy cannot relax. pardon by french but cameron is so tight that if you stuck a lump of coal up his ass, in two weeks you'd have a diamond. and cameron would worry that he'd owe taxes on it.
this is really degrading.
financing my activities this way. very damaging to the self-image. but, hey, i'm broke. in times of crisis one must to what one must to. i'll pay it back. with interest.
regardless of how much shit sisters make you eat, how often they rat on you, how gross they act or how wicked and insensitive they can be, you should not alientate them. because most likely they have cash and it's usually very easy to get your hands on.
i wanted a car. i got a computer. how's that for being born under a bad sign?
a sample of my blood was sent to atlanta to the center for disease control. i don't know, man, i'm bricking heavily. freshman. did you see alien? when the guy had the creature in his stomach? it feels like that.
cameron, if you're not over here in fifteen minutes, you can find a new best friend. i'm serious, man. this is bullshit, making me wait around the house for you.
you want to stay home and try to have the shits? try to barf? try to feel worse?
be a man. take some pepto bismol and get dressed. you're boring me with this stuff.
squeeze you buns for a second. i got another call.
h--hell-o?
i'm so worried about falling behind.
dad? can you hold on a second?
just a little phlegm on the phone. hold on.
cameron? it's my dad.
it's completely cool. he's just checking up on me. now, listen to me. i'm working on getting some heavy bucks out of him. so, the least you can do is hurry up and get over here. bye.
sorry, dad. the moment before you called, i had a chest spasm and i blew lung fluid all over the place. it was making me ill looking at it. but gee, it's sure great of you to call. i'm sure there're alot of fathers who wouldn't take time out from their busy schedules to call a dumb, sick teenager.
give yourself some credit, dad. it was a mammoth gesture. it's like those savings bonds you used to give me every christmas. it was that kind of concern.
you had to work hard for the money to buy those things, right?
you work so hard i'll bet you don't even remember where those bonds are, right?
oh, yeah? you're pulling my leg. you're just trying to cheer me up.
was that a class move or what? the guy gave it up faster than a drunk catholic girl. i hope my kids don't pull this shit on me. of course, if they didn't, they'd be dumb and abnormal and they'd probably never move out of my house and i'd have to support them until i die. i take it back. dad? all this talking has made me kind of light-headed. i think i better lie down.
you don't have to, dad.
you win some, you lose some.
i'm so disappointed in cameron. twenty bucks says he's sitting in his car debating about whether or not he should go out.
cameron'll go on like that for a good thirty minutes. the guy is a shellfish when it comes to making a decision. the reason he doesn't fell good is, he worries about everything. he's the only guy i know who's deeply concerned that when he grows up there'll be a critical shortage of strategic metals.
cameron's also the only guy i know who knows what strategic metals are. pardon moi.
maybe i'm just like my mother,
mr. rooney? i'm sorry to disturb you at work but i was wondering if it would be possible for my sister to bring home any assignments from my classes that i may need.
impossible. you're doing great.
great!
out in front my herself? it's too suspicious! he'll think something's up, moron. cover it.
talk!
where's your brain?!
where's your brain?!
where's your brain?
how can we pick up sloane if rooney's going to be there with her?!
my, god, you're so stupid! i didn't hit you, i lightly slapped you.
i didn't deliberately hurt your feelings.
yeah, really.
cameron?
cameron, i'm sorry. i didn't mean to jam you. it was uncalled for.
dead serious.
you did screw up through, right? not that is was necessarily all you fault. right?
to fix this situation, i'm going to have to ask you for a small favor.
it is his fault he didn't lock the garage.
a man with priorities so far out of whack doesn't deserve such a fine automobile.
we can't pick up sloane in your car, cameron. rooney'd never believe mr. peterson drives that piece of shit.
it's a piece of shit. don't worry about it. i don't even have a piece of shit. i have to envy yours. look, i'm sorry but there's nothing else we can do.
he doesn't trust you?
alright, look, this is real simple. he puts his arm around cameron.
whatever miles we put on it, we'll take off.
we'll drive home backwards.
this is perfect top-down weather.
cameron, the more obvious we are, the less likely we are to get caught.
the adult mind is a suspicious machine. stay down, man.
i don't have an explanation.
hurry along now!
it was risky, it was bold but it was totally necessary.
the question isn't "what are we gonna do", the question is "what aren't we going to do."
if you had access to a car like this would you take it back right away? would you give up feeling like a ton just to ease your best friend's tension?
either would i.
he's at the window. on either shoulder are cameron and sloane. ferris smiles. cameron blanches.
hello, mrs. froeling. how are you?
he lays his savings bonds on the counter.
me? i'm out of school, mrs. froeling. in fact. i'm married. this is my wife. madonna.
and this is my brother-in-law, zz top. zz, this is mrs. froeling.
i'd like to cash these in, please. we're having a baby and we need the cash for a crib, clothes, diapers, food pellets, leash, water dish.
i'm aware of that.
no, ma'am, i'm giving it to the government. they need it. do you know what an aircraft carrier's going for these days?
why not?
i'll give the guy a five to watch it.
you speak english?
great. i want to you take extra special care of this vehicle, okay?
i appreciate it.
see what a finski can do to a person's attitude? he's going to treat it like a beautiful woman.
this is the world's tallest building. from our vantage point here on the 103 floor, we are provided with a view of four states.
illinois, michigan, wisconsin and my personal favorite, indiana.
take a step back.
now, lean against the glass. like this.
and look down.
death.
do you love me?
yes. you?
would i trash a day of education to be with you if i didn't love you?
would i risk damaging a deep and wonderfully enriching relationship with my parents if i didn't love you?
would i have introduced you as my wife if i didn't love you?
true.
would you want to get married? i mean if i wasn't an asshole.
today?
i'm game.
i'll do it, if you will.
huh?
so?
tomorrow?
why not?
besides being too young and your father hating my guts and not having any place to live and feeling awkward about being the only cheer- leader with a husband, give me a good reason why not.
you're father's a toad and your mom's always wired out, but so what? they're old. that's natural.
this is all news to me. she keeps a pretty good secret.
she's not lying.
this is optomism. it's a common trait with my age group. adults think it's cute, it's like a charming quick that infests youth. but it's a cool thing and i think, deep down, crusty old shits wish they had some. they wish they had her, too. sorry. she's taken.
frightening choice of words.
no. she's saying it's time for lunch.
let's go feed cameron.
buy!
yes. i'm abe frohman. party of three for 12:00.
is there a problem?
i'm abe frohman.
are you suggesting that i'm not who i say i am?
i'm not going anywhere. call the police. go ahead. better yet.  . i'll call myself.
you touch me and i yell "rat!" there's another phone around here. find it.
not a chance in the world.
ask for abe frohman.
don't grovel, charles. just leave us to our repast and all will be forgotten.
thank you.
darling, you were wonderful.
cameron, dear friend?
and you thought we wouldn't have any fun. shame on you.
she's a person who views life as an ordeal that must be endured. her body is a transport vehicle for her anger. i don't know where she gets this shit. basically, the family's pretty cool.
i wonder if everybody shoots at cigarette butts in urinals? probably not many women. i used to think that my family was the only one that had weirdness in it. it used to worry me. then i met cameron and i saw how his family functioned.
cameron's home life is really shit. he wasn't lying. that's why he's sick all the time. it really upsets him. what he said about his parents hating each other? i refuse to sleep over at his house. his parents fight all the time. even when i'm there. is there anything worse than being at somebody's house when their parents are fighting? it's the absolute height of social discomfort.
when they go after each other, cameron tightens up. it's scary. he gets so wadded-up, you couldn't pry his buns apart with a crowbar. the thing with taking his old man's car? it's good for him. it teaches him to deal with his fear. plus, and i must be honest here, i love driving it. i highly recommend picking one up.
what are you doing?
you got me. i don't speak french.
i think it's a land-based beefoid creature.
splendid.
superb.
good?
yo, clouseau!
i have a growth on my brain that causes memory lapses. could you tell me what we ordered here?
uh, huh. and what might that be?
as in the gland that has important functions in digestion and metabolism?
that secretes a thick, colorless fluid containing digestive enzymes? the home of the world famous isles of langerhans?
check, please!
40,000 restaurants in the downtown area and i pick the one my father goes to.
no way, cameron. only the meek get nabbed. the bold survive. let's go.
ninth month.
cameron, it's a beautiful day, we've won our freedom, we're traveling down one of american's most scenic polluted waterways and you have to bring up nuclear war?
they used to have viet nam. they used to have the oil crisis stuff and iran. that's over and people have to have their big issue. it's not like somebody came up with the nuclear holocaust yesterday at noon, you know.
we don't know when the bombs going off. we do know, however, that college starts in the fall.
he's full of shit. all the old hippies are full of shit.
what's he care about now?
i rest my case.
one of the most frightening experiences of my young life has been observing my parents and our neighbors playing the baby boom edition of trivial pursuits. it's chilling to see people crazed with the minutia of their past.
an hour ago you wanted to yack.
lean over and grab a fish.
nuclear spring.
i think i broke my thumb.
you want to leave? we just got here.
do you realize that if i played by the rules, right now i'd be in gym?
guten tag, dude!
well, shake it up, baby, now!
twist and shout!
come on, come on, come on, baby on! come on and work it on out!
ah!
who is it?
have a nice day.
she's probably schizophrenic.
you don't think it's amazing that we got in?
cameron looks like a toddler, for christ's sake. i'm talking about a major achievement in false identification.
point well taken. but consider why she does it. why she does it and you don't.
maybe her life fell apart. maybe she lost somebody. a lover. a boyfriend. a parent. a child.  this kind of thing makes me a little depressed. you may think because i'm the age i am that i'm a sex maniac. that sex is all i think about. but that's not true. i'm a romantic. i think alot of people my age are. we think about love and matters of the heart. and sat scores and acne aside, we worry about lonliness. it's a terrible thing. and we feel it. i feel it.
you know, someone said the world's a stage and each must play a part. fate had me playing in love, with you as my sweetheart. act one was when we met. i loved you at first glance. you read your lines so cleverly and never missed a cue. then came act two. you seemed to change. you acted strange. and why, i've never known.
honey, you lies when you said you loved me and i had no cause to doubt you. but i'd rather go on hearing your lies than to go on living without you. now, the stage is bare and i'm standing there with emptiness all around and if you won't come back to me, then they can bring the curtain down.
so.
so, yuri, how long have you been in america?
what's your overall impression?
better than russia?
clearly you've never been to an american high school.
you think i don't care?
that hurts, cameron.
cameron, what'd you see today?
you saw four states, a submarine, a giant heart, seventy five dollars worth of cooked pancreas, two of the most incredible breasts ever to come out of modern plastics, major league baseball and.  are you gonna chuck your nachos?
what's he doing?
what?!
bueller. ferris bueller.
it's cool.
i'm going to tell a massive lie here. it's going to by very thick and very steamy. i think radio's a facinating medium, it challenges the imagination. unlike television which provides the images, radio.  you know this. anyway, it's always been a dream of mine to be on the radio. i have what i consider to be an excellent broadcast voice. i practise it in the bathroom all the time. i used to play records and do introductions to them. but i've never had the chance to sit behind a microphone and try it out for real. this is a 50,000 watt outlet. i'm going out to several million people so let me just say, i'm in a very pleasant groove right now. well, steve, you and your listeners are probably not going to believe this but.
i was going to say i knew springsteen's home phone number and i was going to give out the number of the new jersey state police but i thought i might get busted. after i got flunked in driver's ed for sideswiping a mail box, which was not in any way, shape or from my fault. i was putting out a cigarette, like i was told. it was weird. i'm so used to getting in a car and lighting up, because i'm not allowed to smoke at home, that i got in the driver's ed. car and spaced completely, pulled out of the lot, lit up a 'boro and mrs. heller looked at me like i'd just pulled a bunny out of my nose or something and i realized what the hell i was doing and i went to put it out and hit the mail box. anyway, i was so pissed off at her reaction to the whole thing that i considered running an ad in a sleaze magazine for a school teacher that does phone sex and i was gonna use mrs. heller's home number but is cost too much. i took it again and passed. but i had to work at burger king to get the cash to pay for the driver's ed. car. the car got fixed in auto shop for nothing and i think rooney pocketed the cash. but i can't prove it? i'm in high school, remember?
it's kind of a long story but i've been doing alot of programming for
just out of curiosity, what was your top speed coming down the ramp?
stunning!
this is probably the last time you'll have to ride back here. keep that in mind.
we have enough cash left for a quick flight to peoria and back.
cameron? how many miles did you say this thing had when we left?
here's where cameron goes berserk.
hey, cameron. it's okay. we'll fix it.
cameron, are you okay? it's no problem, really. your old man won't know a thing. it's completely fixable.
this may very well be for real. i think cameron might have blown a micro-chip or two. he's always been a little keyed-up. all i wanted to do was give him a good day. we're gonna graduate in a couple of months. then we have the summer. he'll work and i'll work. and we'll see each other at night and on the weekends but then he'll go to one school and i'll go to another. and basically that'll be it. as much as we like each other, the process of growing up will separate us.
sloane's a bigger problem. she still has another year of high school. how do i deal with that? i was serious when i said i'd marry her. i would. this isn't just teenage infatuation. that's what my parents call it. what do they call what they have? if that's love, i'll take infatuation.
cameron's never been in love. at least no one's ever been in love with him. he's gonna marry the first girl he lays. and she's gonna treat him like shit because he's gonna kiss her ass for giving him what he's built-up in his mind as the end-all, be-all of human existance. she won't respect him because you can't respect someone who kisses your ass. it just doesn't work.
i'm being tested here.
my best friend has flipped-out. conventional wisdom would suggest a visit to the nearest trauma center. i wouldn't fault anybody for doing that. my, personally, i think this calls for something new, something bold, something wet and wild.
you feeling any better, cameron?
cameron? do you think this because of the car or is it a combination of everything shitty in your life?
you just can't deal with anymore shit? the car took you into the red zone? time for a reality check?
maybe he was actually sick. maybe he wasn't bullshitting himself.
cameron!
you asshole!
i have a agree with you there.
sloane is naked before your eyes and you're thinking about words?
i can't believe you'd think up something like with a naked girl in a jacuzzi right in front of you.
bathroom.
cash.
hello.
and what is you loathe somebody? are you going to say "love" every time you see them?
hellos' generic.
i thought that might be a problem. let's crack open the odometer and roll it back by hand.
this is a big u-2 fan.
what was that about?
cameron? one quick question. why'd you do that?
you trashed the car.
no, cameron. you wrecked a car.
i have an idea. if you're interested.
i think this could work.
yeah. it was pretty cool.
sure. he had to so it, i guess. his old man had it coming. he'll be okay. i'd be worried if he'd taken my idea.
not a glimmer.
no. i'm just real loose.
i'll call you tonight.
yes.
no, but kimberly's is.
thanks, jeanie.
by the way, i borrowed some cash from you. i'll pay you back.
i want to.
it's completely cool.
upstairs, mom!
vaguely.
he's cool. but stay away from his brother.
150% better, thank you.
i'm much better, really. please, don't make me stay home again. i want to go to school. i'm graduating in june and i.
maybe you're right, dad.
years of practice.
yeah, life is a carousel. a great big crazy ball of pure living, breathing joy and delight.
you gotta get one.