who pissed on the toilet seat!? mother!!
oh, my god! the toilet paper's all wet!!!
you're not falling for this, are you? tell me you're not falling for this.
pucker up and squat, ferris.
you're really letting him stay home? i can't believe this. if i was bleeding out my eyes, you guys'd make me go to school. it's so unfair.
oh, i wanna puke.
what're you sorry for? i have to live with the trouser snake.
who said he's sick.
go piss up a flagpole!
ferris bueller's days are numbered.
i'm gonna bust his buns.
why? because i'm sick of the little dope. he manipulates my parents, he does whatever he wants, whenever he wants and he never gets nailed. well, babe, today i'm the hammer.
sweetie, it's an established fact that you have no taste. ferris is not cute. he's not charming. he's not nice. he's not a wonderful person. he's an ignorant mule and the sooner everybody in this school comes to that realization the better off we'll all be.
see? my brother strokes you, you sympathize with him, i get pissed off and this is what happens!
let me tell you something. i study hard, i work hard, i'm polite, i'm considerate, i'm friendly and fair to all kinds of people. except morons. i try to be everything a good, decent person should be and you know what?
excuse me?
who does?
rachel?
rachel's a dirt bag. who else?
forget that everybody thinks i'm an asshole? would you like everybody to think you're an asshole?
oh, hey. that's exciting. a fat fifty year old clod with b.o. likes me.
would everybody be happier if maybe i were to die in a flaming car accident or something?
am i acting like an asshole?
i this a conspiracy to shit all over me or something? is my brother behind this? tell me if he is or i'll sock your tits.
me? i have a problem?
alright. how about if i sock your face?
if it means anything to you, i have my period! my body's ridding itself of old eggs, goddamn it!
he's gone. he's over. he's monkey meat.
it's reprehensible to squeal on your own flesh and blood. but it's for his own good. his cavalier attitude will get him into trouble later in life. and it'll continue to piss me off and i'll get so wadded-up that it'll cause cervex cancer and he'll ruin my life. screw him.
is dean rooney in?
i seriously doubt it. when's he back?
i can't believe my brother's making me put myself in a position where i could get expelled. selfish little moron. ferris? you're overshadowed me long enough. i'm gonna get you, buddy.
i'm gonna microwave his nuts.
i knew it!
is mrs. bueller there? where is she? this is her daughter. do you know where she is? do you know when she'll be back? do you know anything?
the worm has luck like clams have body odor.
this is not a phoeny phone call. there's an intruder, male caucasian, possibly armed, certainly weird, in our kitchen. my name is bueller.
it's real nice that you hope my brother's feeling better but i'm in danger, okay? i'm very cute, i'm very alone and i'm very protective of my body. i'd rather not have it violated or killed. i need help!
i'm saved! thank you, god! thank you, thank you, thank you!
thank. you.
no, thank you. i'm straight.
why are you here?
i don't know why i'm here.
why don't you put your thumb up your butt?
with you? are you serious?
blow yourself.
you really want to know what's wrong?
alright. if you've got the time, i've got the troubles. in a nutshell, i hate my brother. how's that?
no, not yet.
i went home to confirm that the shithead was ditching school and a guy broke into the house and i called the cops and they picked me up for making a phoney phone call.
why should he get to ditch school when everybody else has to go?
i'd get caught.
basically.
excuse me?
if you say ferris bueller, you lose a testicle.
if you keep this to yourself, i think we can probably get it on pretty good.
hi.
jean. what's yours?
thank god, you're alright! we've been worried sick!
thank you for bringing him home, mr. rooney. you better get up in bed tight now.
can you imagine someone as sick as ferris trying to walk home from the hospital? kids!
no problem.
you don't have to.
you don't have to. i've been ripping off your wallet for years.
i'm sorry i've been riding your buns for so long.
do you know a guy named garth volbeck?
is he cool?