entrez, entrez, come in, come in.
-- not a problem, my friend mr. bellboy.
so, ted the bellboy, as i was saying -- would you care for some champagne? that's not what i was saying, but would you care for some champagne?
ya sure? cristal. it's the best. i never liked champagne before i had cristal, now i love it.
-- as i was saying, ted, don't worry about being late. for our purposes, promptness is far behind thoroughness.
chin-chin.
whadya say, ted?
no, not thank you. whadya say about the tasty beverage?
fuckin' good, ted. it's fuckin' good. let's try it again, shall we? so, ted, whadya think about the beverage.
you bet your sweet bippy, ted. it's fuckin' cristal, everything else is piss.
knock it off, you're making my friend ted here uneasy. pay no attention to norman here, ted, he's just fuckin' wit' ya, that's all. that's from quadrophenia. now me, myself, when i think of bellboys i think of -- "bellboy" isn't an insult, is it? is there another name for what you do that i'm ignorant of? bellman, bellperson --
good. i'm glad they haven't changed that. there's a friendliness to "bellboy." as i was saying, ted, when norman thinks of bellboys, he thinks of quadrophenia.
you should, it's one of jerry's better movies. he never says a word through the entire film. a completely silent performance. how many actors can pull that off? and he has to go to france to get respect. that says it all about america right there. the minute jerry lewis dies, every paper in this fuckin' country gonna write articles calling the man a genius. it's not right. it's not right and it's not fair. but why should that surprise anybody? when has america ever been fair? we might be right every once in a while, but we're very rarely fair.
you in a hurry, ted?
good, then stop playing "beat the clock." now let me introduce you to everybody.
our friend from downstairs you already seem to be acquainted with.
angela's like you, ted, a newfound friend.
have you ever seen angela in a one- piece?
well, it's somethin' to see. the man sitting in the chair, with the bottle of jim bean in his hand and the sense of humor, is norman. norman, say hello to ted.
the sociable son of a bitch on the telephone is leo. and the person on the other end of the phone is his lovely wife ellen. leo, say hello to ted.
which brings me to me, chester rush, ted. pleased to meetcha.
it's quite all right, ted, nothing to feel sorry about. that's why god invented video. but you know, ted, a lot of people did see it.
who drank out of this bottle last?
who drank out of this bottle -- not the other bottles -- this bottle last?
it's fuckin' flat, norman, that's what's wrong. the champagne -- the fuckin' cristal's fuckin' flat.
i was saying, ted, a lot of people did see it. and not just on video, either. leo, what was the final take on domestic?
i'm cool, so talk to your wife.
72.1 million dollars. that's before video and before foreign, and before pay-tv and before free tv. we're talking fuckin' asses in fuckin' seats. before all that other shit, the wacky detective made 72.1 million dollars.
and my new one, the dog catcher, it's projected to break a hundred. the dog catcher.
now let's stroll over here and see what goodies you brought us.
one thing at a time, ted. i'm not a frog and you're not a bunny, so let's not jump ahead. c'mon, norman, you should be interested in this.
good.
that's how many peter lorre asked for. continue, ted.
that's definitely a roll of twine. continue.
you into it?
go on.
that's for me. continue.
a hatchet as sharp as the devil himself is what i asked for.
whadya think?
you heard him, ted.
we now return you to the man from rio, already in progress.
when we do it, you'll have something to see.
not so fast, ted. we ain't quite done yet. why don't you take a seat at the bar, get comfortable, and have an open mind when we explain the festivities of the evening to you.
well, it's your business, ted. 'cause we want you to take part.
first off, let me say that there's nothing homosexual about what we're going to ask you to do. there's nothing sexual at all about what we want. but i was thinkin' you might be thinkin' we want you to do some sex thing. pee on us, suck us off, shit like that. let me assure you nothing could be farther from what we want --
no, you can't jump in here, this is my story.
hey, if you don't like it, you can get the fuck out.
move the nomination be closed!
leo, the floor is yours.
well, that goes without saying, but that doesn't mean we don't know what we're doing.
-- cristal. when you're drinkin' anything else, you're drinking champagne. when you're drinkin' cristal, you say you're drinkin' cristal.
". oh, really?"
thrill of the bet. i'm the one with something to lose here. 'cause i can pretty near guarantee that i love my car more'n norman loves his pinky.
which brings us to your part in this little wager.
now, ted, my old granddaddy used ta say: "the less a man makes declarative statements, the less he's apt to look foolish in retrospect." now there're some inherent obstacles in this undertaking. first of all, i'm not some sick fuck like peter lorre on that show, travelin' the countryside collecting fingers. we're all buddies, here. nobody wants norman to lose his finger. we just wanna chop it off. so if fate doesn't smile on ol' norman, we'll put his finger on ice and rush 'im to a hospital, where in all likelihood be able to sew it back on.
so norman's protected. his interests have been looked after. my interests, on the other hand, have not. i am as emotionally attached to my car as norman is physically to his finger. i'm putting up a very expensive piece of machinery on this wager. now, if i lose, i lose, i have no problem with that. i'm a big boy, i knew what i was doing. however, if i win, i wanna win. if norman lights his lighter ten times in a row, he's gonna have no emotional problems about taking my car keys whatsoever. but if i win, it's not inconceivable that leo or myself, at the last minute, might not be able to wield the ax. which brings us full circle to you, ted. sober ted. clear-eyed ted. we want you to be the diceman.
ted, i got a hundred-dollar bill here with your name on it, whether you do what we ask or not, just to sit back down in the chair for one minute more.
maybe you will and maybe you won't, but that has nothing to do with this hundred-dollar bill in my hand. you can tell us all to go fuck off and walk right out that door. but if you sit back down and wait sixty seconds before you do it, you'll be a hundred dollars richer.
well, i want you to have a bit more of an open mind than that, but, yeah, we'll either convince you or we won't. no hard feelings. right, guys?
okay, leo, you be the timekeeper. let us know when one minute begins and when it ends.
okay, pay attention here, ted, i ain't got much time. now i'm gonna make two piles here on the bar. one pile, which is yours. and another pile, which could be yours. now, what you have to be aware of is we're gonna do this bet, one way, or the other. whether it's you who holds the ax, or the desk clerk downstairs, or some bum we yank off the street.
shhhh, i'm the closer. how much is on the bar already? i lost count.
six hundred. ted, do you know how long it takes the average american to count to six hundred?
one minute less than it takes to count to seven hundred. you know, ted, a person's life is made up of a zillion little experiences. some, which have no meaning, are insignificant and you forget them. and some that stick with you for the rest of your natural life -- -- barring alzheimer's of course. now, what we're proposing is so unusual, so outside the norm, that i think it would be a pretty good guess that this will be one of those experiences that sticks. so, since you're gonna be stuck remembering this moment for the rest of your life, you gotta decide what that memory will be. so, are you gonna remember for the next forty years, give or take a decade, how you refused a thousand dollars for one second's worth of work, or how you made a thousand dollars for one second's worth of work?
well, ted, what's it gonna be?
as long as you do your part, you can take the pile, walk out the door, and not say another word.
perfect, perfect, perfect, perfect! this is great! this is a moment in time none of us will ever forget.
norman, you ready?
ted, you ready?
okeydoke. norman, begin.