that's cute. in fact, the whole getup's kind of cute. the monkey suit's a nice touch, honey puss.
theodore? what do you take me for, theodore?
i am an upset man, theodore.
i'm psychic, theodore.
let's not belabor the fact that you have no sense of timing, theodore. the fact is you're here.
and i couldn't think of a better time for you to introduce me to your beau than on new year's eve.
look, i'd love to sit here all night with you talking about things like when you broke in your first mitt -- that was insensitive of me, wasn't it, t h e o d o r e? but let's cut to the chase, okay?
so apologize!
you are really beginning to annoy me, theodore.
what are you saying? are you saying i got a problem? are you trying to say i don't give her what she needs? that i'm fucking insensitive!!
let's get our abc's right, here, theodore. theodore, right?
ted, okay.  are you saying my wife cheats on me?
oh, for christ's sake, theodore, this is about as intimate a situation as you can get, you, me, and angela here. it's pretty cozy. to say nothing of how stupid an idea it is to lie to a man with a loaded gun without considering the possible response. i demand an apology!
don't move. i've got to take this.
what? we ain't got any needles here, kid. just a big fucking gun.
now, where was i? oh yeah, i remember.
i want you to pray for forgiveness, theodore.
now say after me, "i apologize"
for what?
for fucking what?
"that i said you might have been unfaithful?" listen, theodore, you're in church here.  you're kneeling in front of an altar. truth.  truth is all it hears. say the following, "i, theodore, must humbly and sincerely apologize for saying that you fucked another man!"
satisfied?
do you accept the fucking apology?
you always gotta get the last word, don't you? it's one way with you, angela, isn't it? i give and i give and i get nothing back.
she just sits there waiting for me to jump through hoops.
stupid me, for a second i thought you were going to say something.  something like, "i'm sorry." ha! "i'm sorry." you're absolutely right, love cakes, i wouldn't want it that way. that's one thing you can say about angela. she'll never do anything she doesn't want to do. if the feeling ain't there, she just isn't going to do it. there is nothing in this world as fucked as a woman who gives when she doesn't want to. never let that happen to you, theodore. it makes you feel very little indeed.
go ahead. spit it out.
are you condescending to me, theodore?
why don't you just say it?
that you think i'm an idiot.
you think you're superior to me, don't ya, theodore? you don't think i notice there is a gag in the woman's mouth.
naturally "of course." and do you know how i know that?
because i put the gag in her mouth! i'm gonna let you in on a little secret about communication, theodore. it's all in the eyes.  him? or me? him or me? no one? okay. let's drag it out.
i was just beginning to think i could trust you, theodore. silly me.
don't let me stop you, teddy. you don't mind me calling you teddy, do you?
i used to have a little bunny rabbit named teddy, it looked real cute nibbling on angela's ear. only problem here is you're no bunny rabbit, theodore, and it really fuckin' razzes me to picture you doin' it. but don't let me stop you, teddy.  no need to play sneaky-poo.
i said, nibble, asshole! now!
what's the matter, no whiz left in the cheese? i'm not cramping your style, am i?
it's almost all over, theodore, and soon you can go home to mommy.
sigfried.
my name is sigfried.
yah, sigfried.
very impressive, ted. "theo the thumper?".  ouch. it's a deal, kid. ted it will be.
get me the nitro.  it's in the bathroom cabinet. now!
it's no time to take a leak, teddy, i'm fucking dying here!
i tie a pretty good knot, don't i, ted?
never felt better.
come on, honey, don't get mad. it was just a little test, and i'm glad i did it because now i'll know forever that you really do love me. truly and deeply.
oh, no. i heard you and there was genuine care in that voice. can't be denied. can it, ted?
he's got a huge cock?
show it to me.
show it to me.
stop talking about his cock, will you?!
please, don't leave me. i'll call you ted from now on.
personally, i don't give a fuck, ted, it's just i don't want to be alone right now. i'm feeling a little vulnerable.
no guns, okay? just you and me, ted. you know my father used to say that forgiveness is the only thing that evil can't sink its teeth into.
kind of nice down here on the floor, isn't it, ted?
things take on a whole new perspective.  you'd like my trust, wouldn't you, ted?
i just got one thing to ask you and i'll let you go.
tell me straight now.
what was it like?
you know, you and her.
either way you're fucked, right? you ever gonna see her again, theodore?
promise?
you're lying, but i can respect that, ted. if you told me, it would no longer be a secret, and secrets have a power, kid. you open that box and they disappear forever. a bad secret will rip you apart, but the good one are all you got. in the end, when all the people you knew are dead and gone, all you'll have left are you secrets. and when you die, the box is open and it all blows away -- dust to dust -- all the anger, jealousy, desire and love just blow away.
so you know what i say, let's call it a truce, kiddo.
i'm a man of love, theodore. love is all i live for.
maybe to a fault.
that's nice of you to say, ted, but i probably should make a clean break of it, cut her loose and get my own place. i just can't imagine living without her. do you think i should seek professional help?
you ever been out on the ocean at night?
i have.  scary as a motherfucker, all that darkness around you. it's like a big black carpet rolled out as far as the eye can see. sometimes, if you're lucky, you'll see a light. it could be as small as a little spark, but it will cut a path straight through all that blackness, straight to you. it could be another boat, or some distant fire on an island, but that light will shed a shining path of diamonds cutting through mile after mile of darkness to lie at your feet. that's love, ted, it's like a path of light in an ocean of darkness.
where the hell have you been?