you met any of those old stars?
ted.
i don't think so, not like yours.
beats me.
who?
what do you mean?
no way, not me. you got any other advice.
sam the bellboy. now there was a man.
yeah.
you wanna buy me a drink? i'm starting my shift.
yeah, sure.
correct.
oh, i know.
oh, i know.
an inspiration to us all.
an amazing man.
a man alone.
i know.
tonight!
i can't.
no, i can't. i never worked the night shift before.
we were supposed to work it together.
why not?
since when?
i can't run this place by myself.
no, i can't.
yeah, and he had fifty years of fuckin' practice, too. i haven't had a day.
-- don't call me teddy.
it's new year's eve.
what i have ain't butterflies. i can't handle this hotel all by myself.
you can say any goddamn thing you want --
okay.  okay.  okay.  i'm calm, i'm cool, let's talk.
chester rush? the guy from the wacky detective?
okay.
-- for fifty bucks.
you're shirking your duties for this nazi. for that you pay a price, and the price is fifty bucks.
yeah, but what you're doin' to me ain't fair. and, you are completely and totally taking advantage of me and your position. so fifty bucks is the perfect price.
green? is that bad? like you read auras or something like that?
yeah, well what color are you seein' around me.  how's the tip lookin?
you're booked in the honeymoon suite -- just one night? with all this luggage?
okay.  and how will you be paying?
right.
what the hell you got in here, lady? nuclear weapons?
oh -- i forgot to show you how to turn on the jacuzzi.
may i help you?
oh yeah.  you must be one of "the others." and what're you carrying -- the rock of gibraltar?
you might be referring to the honeymoon suite. straight thata way.  you can't miss it -- see all that furniture in the hallway --
oh yeah -- it's so great -- it's fantastic.
past new year's?
oh hey -- no problem -- wreck the place. bring in cats. ruin the carpet with flea powder, pour paint in the jacuzzi. throw the furniture out the.  where're your bags?
yeah, yeah, honeymoon suite.
all right -- lemme give ya a hand.
i'm a man doin' a job -- no hero.
about an hour.
uh, thank you, ladies -- i'll be going now. if you need anything --
yeah, yeah, rosemary.
ted.  the bellboy.
here's the things you asked for. oh, and uhh, sorry, but i'm not gonna pick the eyes outta this dead fish.
help me out, lady. i gotta earn this fifty bucks!
try me. i've been around, y'know.
ha, like a coven of witches?
oh.
i knew that!
gee, you don't look a day over twenty!
yeah? is.  is that her?
she turned to -- that -- here?
this girl here? this is the goddess diana?
i hate to tell you this, but i kinda doubt she was a virgin.
hey, don't cry.  a virgin is a rare and beautiful thing. if you say she was a virgin, i'll believe it.
wait a sec -- that rock was gonna turn back into this?
now, that would be something worth seeing!
if this is gonna be like one of those afterbirth conversations, i don't think i wanna hear this.
you swallowed what?
you mean, you were supposed to bring.  like.  like a guy's.  and you?
yeah, sure. whoa, what? you want my -- for the -- witchy poo -- ahh no -- no way -- nope. besides, it's against hotel policy. i was warned: "no sex with the clientele"!
ha, c'mon now, joke's over. hey, we're gonna step in the flea powder.
right! i knew that!
what's a nice girl like you doing in a coven, anyway?
well, that's a good thing! a guy doesn't like surprises down there.
oh, well, i see you've been gaining a lot of insight into your.  girl powers.
well, yeah, i'd say that seems to be the case.  ohhh, god! betty's gonna kill me!
no. my boss.
oh no!
sure, baby. yeah, i'll give ya a call.
oh, jesus, what did i tell you? do you want milk and cookies, or do you not? i can't turn on an adult station without permission from your parents. that's not what the machine tells me. you be good and you'll get milk and cookies, but for now leave me alone, please. i'll be up later to put you both to sleep.
goddamn kids.
room service.
this is the front desk, sir.
if you care to go to the door and look on the other side, you'll find the room number.
i'm here alone, sir.
what do you need, sir?
ice.
right, sir. ice. 404. i'll be with you momentarily.
anybody home?
say, it's pretty dark in here, sir.
do i know you?
i brought your ice.
this has to be a mistake. is this room 404?
a very upset man?
how do you know my name, sir?
look my name is ted, actually, and i have no idea what's going on here, but i've obviously come at a bad time.
oh fuck, there's a mistake. you're fucking wrong here. my name is theodore, yes! my mother named me that and i hate the name. but i'm a fucking bellhop. people call me ted. i work here.
okay.
for what?
look, obviously you two are working something out and if i could help you with your problem i would.
look, is this about another man? or something?
ted's better.
i didn't say that.  i.
i apologize.
that i said you might have been unfaithful?
you mind if i?
i don't mean to upset you further, sir, but i think she was trying to say yes.
absolutely not, i would never do that.
say what?
i would never say that.
of course you do.
how, sir?
what!
listen, lady, i don't know what in the hell is going on here, but i'd appreciate it if you would explain to that nutcase that he's making a big mistake.
but i've never seen you people before, we're complete strangers.
i don't know if i can do this. it's too hard.
what?
i'm not going to shoot anybody.
and make me an accessory in the murder of your husband?
that's not fair. it just isn't fair.
tut. tut. tut. not so fast. well, maybe there are two sides to this thing.
so why's he got you tied up?
nine thousand, three hundred and twenty-two times, to the best of my estimation.
i was just trying to help her breathe a little.
that's fine.
look, man, if this is some kind of voodoo thing and you want me to have sex with your wife, there is absolutely no way.
sorry, lady.
look, i'm not playing this game anymore.
my name is not theodore, it's ted, ted, ted, t.  e.  d.  ted.  not teddy, not theodore.  ted.  yes, my mother did me the service of naming me theodore and i haven't a clue as to how you know that because everyone who knows that lives a long way away from here. do you have any idea what it's like to go to school where all the other kids' parents are in jail doing time for crimes like grand larceny, aggravated assault, burglary and murder, and you get stuck with a mother who names you theodore and dressed you up in little matching pink outfits with, get this, a little blue bow fucking tie! well, i'll tell you what happens. pretty soon theodore becomes "theo the thumper," and when theo the thumper gets old enough, he packs his bags and goes thousands of miles away where he can put the whole bloody mess behind him. so, if you don't mind, shoot me now, because no one is going to call me that again. my name is ted, okay? got it? ted!
what?
sigfried?
nice to meet you, sigfried.
thanks.
you okay, mister? i'll get help!
that's the wrong door, sir.
hi.
listen, i'm stuck here in a situation that i can't even begin to explain, but would you be so kind as to get help? could you call the police, please?
you okay?
sigfried?
i couldn't find it!
i thought you wanted to kill him.
i can't handle this alone, i'd better get help.
thank god you're okay.
i think you're right and, if you just keep this kind of open dialogue going, you'll go a long way to resolving this misunderstanding.
you'd be surprised what happens when people just listen to each other without succumbing to all that pain and anger.
that's a lie, sigfried. i swear to god.
why are you doing this? what have i ever done to you people?
she's lying again, mister. it's not that big.
come on, man, she's lying. can't you see she's fucking with you?
it's not me, mister, i swear.
that's beautiful.
yes, actually.
yes i would.
okay. okay.
what?
what was what like?
oh, for fuck sake, sigfried, what do you want me to say?
if i ever saw her again, i'd run the other way.
i promise.
i can see that.
don't beat yourself up over it.
it's not for everyone, but maybe in your case it could help.
you people gonna be okay?
would you like me to?
happy new year.
beats me. it's somewhere around here.
hey, what's your name?
front desk.
the champagne you ordered, sir.
sure!
three hundred?
three's good.
check up on 'em?
we can call out and hire a babysitter.
look, sir, i'd like to help you out, but i really can't. i'm all alone here tonight.
i thought you said five hundred.
no, you distinctly said five hundred.
no, i'm not saying you're lying. i'm saying you accidentally forgot that what you first said was five hundred.
well then, if you say five hundred one last time, we got a deal.
no, not at all. it's new year's eve and i'm here alone. if there was somebody else here, no problem, but i'm by myself. and looking after your kids is a pain in the ass i don't need --
-- no, they're not a pain in the ass, it's the situation that's a pain in the ass.
yeah. it's ted.
before midnight? then should i wake them up for the countdown to the new year?
okay. these are the rules. don't break the rules and i won't break your necks.
i always wanted to say that. someone said that to me when i was a kid.
except they were joking. i'm not.
the rules are simple. don't do anything you wouldn't do if your parents were here. if there's an emergency, call me on the phone, like your dad said.
well, i've got a lot of work to do and i can't have you calling me every time you want a drink of water, so please limit your calls to emergencies only.
okay. please. try to call only when necessary. watch tv, and if you're good, i'll bring up some milk and cookies. bye.
front desk.
oh, jesus, what did i tell you? i said if you don't bother me, you'll get milk and cookies. now, do you want them or do you not?
i can't turn on an adult station without permission from your parents.
that's not what the machine tells me.
if you're good, you'll get milk and cookies, so leave me alone, please. i'll be up later to put you both to sleep.
yeah. who died? no one? then don't call me.
i brought you some milk and cookies. if you want some you have to eat them now, because you're going to sleep.
your parents said put you to bed before midnight. well, it's before midnight. maybe that way you'll leave me alone.
we were out of cookies, so i brought you milk and saltines. don't complain! now hurry up and eat. you're going to bed right now.
dip 'em in the milk! the milk will make them soft.
no crackers? okay, fine. sleepy time. now, i don't want you guys wandering around, so if you need to go to the restroom, go now.
you wanna look nice in case there's an earthquake, don'tcha?
okay. then stay in those clothes.
oh, this is just some mentholatum ointment. come on, under the covers. close your eyes and i'll tell you a story.
your dad says he doesn't trust babysitters. i don't blame him. you know what my babysitter did to me once? i never told my parents, either.
i hated going to sleep. you know, it's nighttime and you wanna run around and act crazy. so what my babysitter did to make sure i'd go to sleep and not be tempted to get up, was, she'd take some of this vapor rub stuff.  can you smell this?
well, she'd just dab a little of this over each eyelid, so that i would be sure and keep my eyes closed all night.
there. now you've got some, too! don't open your eyes or it'll burrrn, burn, burn. the smell helps clear your sinuses too, so it's doing double duty.
if you keep your eyes closed all night, it will wear off by morning. but don't open your eyes before
yes.  i did.
and now look at me.
good. you'll do just fine. sleep well and i won't tell your parents about the champagne.
what do you want now, for christ's sake! who died?
what?
that's just your brother. sound asleep.
you saw the body?
impossible. you've got ointment on your eyes! you can't see shit! now go to sleep!
godammit, go to sleep!
you washed off the ointment?
all right. now you listen to me.
i'm coming up and if there isn't a dead body by the time i get there, i'll make one myself. you!
oh shit!
what the fuck is going on??!!
your parents are on their way up and i'm not taking responsibility for this mess!
for what?
it's your feet!
jesus fucking christ! what the fuck is this?
police, it's an emergency! hello, police, this is the mon signor hotel, get someone up here right fucking now, there's a dead whore stuffed under the mattress!
i'm dead fucking serious, there's a dead fucking whore stuffed in the bedsprings of the fucking bed!
fuck!!
jesus!!
let me speak to betty.
she lives there.
do you even know who i'm talking about?
betty, not eddy.
no, not particularly. she's got curly red hair.
she's not japanese! i just said she had red hair.
well, then get her on the phone, it's an emergency.
tell 'em teddy from work's on the phone, and it's a major fuckin' emergency.
not betty from work, i'm calling betty! i'm teddy. just say ted.
no margaret, this hasn't been my best new year. this year's starting off pretty badly.
well, betty -- the chick whose house you're at, even though you don't know her -- leaves me here all by myself on new year's eve. and first thing right off the bat, i'm fucked by a coven of witches.
a coven. a coven of witches. well, one witch in particular.
no-no-no, she was.  quite beautiful.
yes.
well, admittedly, that was the best part of the night. it was pretty fuckin' cool, actually. but it was still an unnerving way to start off the night.
okay, let's just skip over the witches.
so, later, in another room, some crazy sucking maniac sticks a gun in my face and forces me to play out some psychosexual drama with his wife.
no, he didn't make me fuck his wife, he thought i'd fucked his wife! he held me at gunpoint with a loaded gun!
i don't know, i'm not a gun guy. it was big.
yeah, something like that.
what difference does it make?
who cares if it was a .44 or a .392, it was a fuckin' loaded gun, pointed at my fuckin' head!
i want you to get betty on the phone!
betty.
what's the problem? i don't got a problem, i got fuckin' problems! wanna hear?
well, most recently, there's room 716. there's a scary mexican gangster dude pokin' his finger in my chest. there's his hooligan kids snapping their fingers at me. there's the putrid rotting corpse of a dead whore stuffed in the springs of a bed. there're rooms blazing afire.  there's a needle from god knows where stuck in my leg, infecting me with god knows what, and finally, there's me walking out the fuckin' door right now! buenas noches.
yeah.
yeah, well, tough titty. they're just gonna have to wait, 'cause i'm out the door.
yes, betty, i've had-a-real-bad-night --
yes, i did.
no, it's out.
now, look --
look, i don't feel like --
okay. but get your ass here pronto.
hello, mr. rush. sorry for the delay. how can i help you?
what the hell are you doing here?
is that crazy husband of yours in there?
hi, sorry i took so long, but i got everything you asked for --
actually, it's not theodore, it's ted.
no, thank you.
okay, yeah, sure.
thank you?
it's good.
it's fuckin' good.
bellboy's fine.
no.
where do you want this?
no, not particularly.
the name's ted, angela. i only let people with loaded guns at my head call me theodore.
no.
i know. i'm sorry i haven't seen your movie.
the dog catcher.
do you mind me asking what's all this stuff for?
a block of wood.
three nails.
a roll of twine.
a bucket of ice.
a donut.
and a hatchet.
well, you be the judge.
well, that's everything, so if you don't need me for anything else, i'll go back downstairs.
look, guys, you paid for the room. as long as you don't break up the furniture, you can do whatever the fuck you want. and me personally, i don't care if you break up the furniture. you don't have to explain anything to me. whatever constitutes a good time as far as you guys are concerned is your business.
take part in what?
yeah.
i don't think so.
you guys are drunk.
you guys wouldn't be doin' something this stupid unless you were drunk.
why are you doing this?
how 'bout you guys, you're just gonna sit back and let your friends mutilate each other?
how 'bout you?
i don't have a part.
hopefully.
i gotta get out of here.
i'm not gonna cut off his finger!
i'll take your money, and i'll sit back down. but a minute from now, i'm gonna walk out the door, and when i do, there'll be no hard feelings?
no.
okay.
but when it's over, no matter what happens, i get the money?
let's do it right now, before i change my mind.
ready.