no one ever came up to me and said, 'you're a fool. there isn't such a thing as god. somebody's been stuffing you.'
it wasn't a murder. i think god just died of old age. and when i realized he wasn't any more, it didn't shock me. it seemed natural and right.
and yet i began to wonder what the minister meant when he said, 'god, the father, sees even the smallest sparrow fall. he watches over all his children.' that jumbled it all up for me.
but still sometimes i found that god was useful to remember, especially when i lost things that were important. 'please god, let me find my red hat with the blue trimmings.'
it usually worked. god became a superfather that couldn't spank me. but if i wanted a thing badly enough, he arranged it.
but if god loved all of his children equally, why did he bother about my red hat and let other people lose their fathers and mothers for always?
see you next weekend, dad.
i began to see that he didn't have much to do about hats or people dying or anything. they happened whether he wanted them to or not, and he stayed in heaven and pretended not to notice.
i wondered a little why god was such a useless thing. it seemed a waste of time to have him. after that he became less and less, until he was.  nothingness.
i felt rather proud that i had found the truth myself, without help from anyone. it puzzled me that other people hadn't found out, too. god was gone. we had reached past him. why couldn't they see it? it still puzzles me.
hi emma.
bye emma.
don't touch me.
okay then.
i'm causing trouble?! you're a pain in the butt! you newshounds've been after me and my folks ever since i won that dumb contest. i'm just sixteen, you know? who the hell cares what i think?
yeah. well if you didn't put it in the papers -- nobody'd even know about it.
no.  actually, you look more like a cop.
i'll.  take your word for it. so who are you, then?
oh yeah! i saw you in the newsreel!
you know, my dad's done some work for kaminski.
whattaya mean?
but i'm not. the newspapers're --
yeah. could look bad for you and kaminski too, i guess.
well aren't you the smoothie. now you're going to ask for my number, i suppose.
well.  i'll give it a try, mr. york.
harry.
mama.
thanks, dad.
i didn't have much to do with it.
yeah, i suppose.  dad, who's harry york?
he talked to me today. told me to keep my mouth shut or i'd get everybody in trouble.
is kaminski a communist?
he's a socialist, then?
it's already started, dad.  with me.
and i can't understand how it can hurt to be honest, but the more i tried to explain --
yes, ma.
dad, please, don't leave early. just because of mama --
what can we do, we must live! we shall live, uncle vanya.
and then we shall rest, we shall rest. we shall hear the angels, we shall see the whole sky all diamonds, we shall see how all earthly evil, all our sufferings, are drowned in the mercy that will fill the whole world. and our life will grow peaceful, tender, sweet as a caress.  poor, dear uncle vanya, you are crying.  in your life you haven't known what joy was; but wait, uncle vanya, wait.  we shall rest.  we shall rest!
but i'll never win that.
really?
thank you.
hi, harry. did you see the play?
well? what'd you think?
how'd i look?
don't be a rat, harry.
you really think so?
i don't know.  i did.  feel different.  alive.
yeah, but if i win this trip, mama'll kill me. she hates russians. i do want to go, though.  to new york, especially.  but i wanted to do it.
quietly.
what happened to him?
so you think i should go.
i don't know, harry. i.  i want so many.
yeah.
not in the long run, anyway.
what?
come on, harry. this is america, land of the free. i thought we might go skinny dipping. for starters.
you act like i'm a bomb-thrower, mama. it's just a trip.
oh ma, they're not using me. it's just a chance to travel, see things. besides, it's the only way i can get to new york.
oh, mama, don't you understand?
i have to do this on my own. you see, i've learned your lesson very well. to do what i think is right and everyone else be damned.
it isn't in your hands, mama. it's my life.
i don't care.
what do i do, dad?
of course.
if i didn't, i wouldn't put you through it.
i'm not a communist.
i said all countries are of cultural interest. besides, russia has the greatest theatre company in the world.
not much. ask me about stanislavski.
i love you, mama. i love you, dad.
oh, i swim some.  play the piano badly.  and i read like a fiend: i like history.
look, i.
that's me.
did you get the check?.  oh my god, it opened?!, what'd you think?
well, i hope i get bigger parts, they don't come much smaller.
no, i'm fine. i just have water in my mouth.
no, mama, i'm not changing my name. they can't actually make you, you know? most people don't realize that. oh dick.
no, no, nothing's going on. i love you too, mama. give my love to dad. bye!
okay, handsome. you win.
kurt!
but, kurt, i.
oh, kurt!
i'm sorry.  i'm sorry, let's go back.
harry! harry-god-damn-york! a real person!
me? look at you! what're you doing in hollywood?
not bad. but come on, harry; what's the real reason?
yeah, i read about that. terrible business, suicide.
what?
oh no.
jesus.
but.  but why, harry? why'd they do it?
you jackass! c'mon, let's get out of here.
not bad. it was slow at first, but i'm doing bits now.
i know what ability you're interested in.
harry.  i met someone.
yeah.
these creases.  i look like i just came from the laundry! i'm supposed to be hiding out in boxcars, sleeping on floors.
oh, i know that. but it could look more realistic, don't you think?
i'll notice.
that's frances. i'm not the cookbook.
thank you --
really? that's a very good book. it'd make a terrific --
but i'm concerned with everything, mr. bebe.
but i'm the one up there on the screen.
what'd he say?
a little strange.
it's okay.
well, the truth is the city had nothing to do with it. i was lucky. and what wasn't luck was hard work.
excuse me.
don't i know you?
sure. you shouted at me in the auditorium when i read my essay.
oh bullshit.
listen, i'm still the same girl that wrote that essay, the same girl who went to russia, and you people aren't proud to meet me at all.
well, the studio told me not to.
who ever thought they'd be right for once? jesus, harry.  it's a zoo back there --
dick.  and my mother! she acts like she's on mars or something --
forget it.
you know, the funny thing is: it's not a great movie. i mean it could've been, but they screwed it up, gave it a happy ending. and all my friends, i know they're going to smile and say they loved it.
no, they don't, do they?
i don't have what they want, harry. harry, will you tell me something? how can i keep making movies when people in the streets are starving?
but i don't want to be like that. i want to do something.
yeah, if i don't make too big an ass of myself.
the hell you will, harry york.
bong.  bong.  bong.
it's midnight, harry. my glittering raiments are dissolving.
he deserves a show. he missed the movie.
i know.
a single glass slipper left glittering on the pearly sands. who was that girl, anyway?
'come and get it,' harry.
sure, claire. if you don't mind walking my way.
my clothes?
it's a perfectly good car. it runs.
i don't care if my clothes are taken seriously. or my car.
uh-huh. you mean what if the public finds out i perspire? and wear slacks. and drive an old jalopy? what if they find out i'm a real person. oh no! say it ain't so! not a real person!
morning, eddie.
yup. claire.  please, please tell mr. bebe that if he worried half as much about his scripts as he does about my private life, we'd make a lot better movies.
i know. 'this is a factory and we each have our jobs. the writer writes, the director directs, and the actress'
sort of.
who?
claire?
fired?
yes.
showdown.
dick, we need some time apart --
dick, i can't even breathe here.
dick.
no?
what night?
you want his name?
my god.  i think you're overplaying this a bit?
goodbye, dick.
really, mr. clurman, you don't have to sell me.
who is she?
and what's the title of this seduc.  assault?
hi.
you wanted to talk?
that's me, clifford.
i'm not!
but i want to. i'm trying!
then show me! that's what i'm here for, to learn, to grow!
i'm not afraid of struggle, clifford.
i'm not!
i'm not!
god damn it, clifford, will you shut up! i tell you, i want to give these things! i want to give them to the audience, and i can give them, i will give them, so shut up!
what?
thank you.
oh well. i guess i better leave then.
huh.
thank you very much. i'm glad you liked the play.
you can always come see it in london.
i wouldn't miss it.
are you an actor?
are you really serious? about acting?
then don't go to hollywood.
i'm telling you straight, if you have any serious ambitions, stay clear of the place. it'll crush you.
no, i don't hate it.
not if i can help it.
they'll mend.
what?
what is this?
why, you.  you little bastard!
just one minute.
'but how do i know you love me?'
'how do i know it's true? you'll get to be the champ. they'll all want you, all the girls! but i don't care. i've been undersea a long time. when they'd put their hands on me i used to say, "this isn't it! this isn't what i mean!" it's been a mysterious world for me! but joe, i think you're it! i don't know why, i think you're it. take me home with you.'
how's it sound?
you think i got it?
yeah. yeah, tonight i think i got it.
hello, harold.
where's clifford?
oh.
what's up?
that's right. i don't want them breathing down my neck while we're in london.
you don't think i'm good enough?
who?
a rich actress.
but.  but wait a minute. we're supposed to be different, right? clifford says.  this theatre is supposed to be different! and this play.  this play is all about what greed and money do to people!
what does clifford say?
does clifford even know? you didn't tell him, did you? i'm gonna tell him. where is he?
prick!
harry? harry, where are you?!
i called your god-damned office! i want you to kill him, harry. you'll do that for me, won't you? i loved him, i loved him.  that bastard.
don't tell me what to do, just give me his head on a platter!
two lines! two fucking lines! 'my wife returns from europe tomorrow. i can't see you any more.' just like that!
harry, i hate being in love. i don't ever want to be in love again. i just hate it!
for god's sake.  why?
look, mr. bebe, you can hold me to my contract, but you can't break me. i'm back, and i'm gonna make the best of it.
this is a mistake. no. this is a disaster.
but we've been at it since six this morning. at least you could've let me go home and change.
you're right. i'm sorry. okay, let's go get 'em.
so not only am i a troublesome bitch, but i'm fat too?
god, who's here?
get me a drink.
hi everybody.
connie, can i use the upstairs bathroom?
come in.
hi.
refill my drink, will you, bob?
putting on my armor.
louella.  didn't she call me a spoiled little bitch?
'forgive'? for what?
you're not kidding. get me a refill, bob. i'll be down in a minute.
thank you.
you seem like an intelligent young man.
can't you find a more dignified way to make a living?
in my eyes, officer.
come on. you're seriously trying to tell me the japs can't find los angeles without my headlights?
god, you bore me.
don't touch me!
take a look.
how the hell do you find me anyway?
what's left of my blood.
help yourself. everyone else has.
nope. the studio pays. thank you, harry.
for not chopping off his head and serving it to me on a platter.
i took the early rounds.
i don't know. it hurts, harry. some things, no matter what you do with them, they just hurt.
yeah, and you look at people and you wonder who the hell they are, what's going on inside their heads. sometimes you can hear it, like a buzzing, the things that happen in their heads. and you wonder: does anybody ever love anybody, really?
i gotta get outta here. i gotta get out of this town.
no, harry, i can't --
you know.  when i started acting, you know what i wanted?
i just wanted to be part of something.  one thing, one play or one movie, something that was really fine.  memorable. and i could say: i did that, i made something good.
well.  to get a crack at something good, you gotta earn it, you gotta climb the ladder first. so you do, you work hard, and all these people behind you are pushing you up, shouting you on. and then one day you realize you are, you're at the top.  and there's nothing there. and you look behind you and there's no one below. you're just left there all alone.  swaying in the god-damned breeze.
hey, watch it.
get away from me, you foul slime.
who said i was a lady?
ahhh, go eat a toilet seat.
what happened? who're you?
i live here.
what?
god damn it, god damn it.  yes, i'll wait, i'm waiting.  i don't believe this. they can't do this to me!
barnes? it's my diary! they stole my fucking diary! find it, will you? find it! god damn it, that's my life!
i'd say i'm behaving as professionally as anyone else in this town.
terribly, terribly sorry; i overslept. what's the name of this fine entertainment we're all so involved in?
oh yes. "no escape." that's it. there's no escape.
that's it! i'm not taking this any more! i quit!
goodbye!.  goodbye!.  goodbye!.
shit.
what the hell's going on here? hold on! hello.  hello?
hey!
what? help!
don't kill me! don't kill me!
mama, help me, help me, mama! don't let them kill me!
you have no right! you have no fucking right, you bastards! get the hell out of here --
get out!
i don't believe this! you jerks drag me down here in the middle of the night and you don't even know who the hell i am!
fifteen.
just put me down as a avg -- a vagrant vagabond. come on, this is a joke! assault and battery? i barely touched that bitch!
cocksucker.
hey! i'd like to leave a wake-up call for say, ten? hey! i'll have my bread and water in bed!
take me the way i am.
who's writing this guy's lines?
no, i couldn't get my hands on one.
i never saw him. why didn't he show up?
why, certainly. i wanted to get a peek at his face.
that's fine with me.  get it? fine. a fine! hey c'mon, c'mon, what is this, an audience or a jury?
sure it's true. i was fighting for my country as well as myself.
are you telling me you didn't have a little rum in your pineapple juice this morning? i can smell it from here, your honor.
it's the truth! i can smell it from here -- you old hypocrite!
fine!
wait a minute.  i haven't got a lawyer.
what i want to know is do i have any civil rights?
i want to make a phone call.
i have a right to make a phone call!
they're stealing my civil rights! help me! i'm being kidnapped! oh god, help me! help me!
haven't you ever had a broken heart?
harry!
i have a right! i have a right!
what?
mama, what's.
you're taking me home!
mama!
i want to go home, mama.
am i supposed to say 'thank you'?
aw, shucks, ma'am. t'weren't nothin'.
it ain't for lack of trying.
why, doctor! we've only just met!
oh! are you really?
do you expect me, for one moment, to believe you have greater insight into my personality than i do?
you may discuss my predicament, doctor. you may discuss it with anyone you like, but not with me. i'm not interested. i can solve my problems without recourse to a veternarian.
besides, i don't want to be what you want to make me.
normal. average.
did you really say that?
this whole thing is a joke!
no, you stay calm, doctor! but you're finding that difficult, aren't you? why, are you attracted to me? perhaps later, in some of our more intimate sessions.  after we know each other a little better.  and you've torn my personality to shreds, and i'm weeping and vulnerable.  then you'll really get your kicks, won't you, "doctor?"
oh, that's good, very professional. in control. but the tiny beads of sweat on your upper lip give you away.
you didn't say 'symington says'.
so this is the nuthouse.
are you crazy? unhand that woman! that's amelia earhart!
but what is it?
you've got to tell me what it is!
why are these all opened?
then why did you bring them?
you kill me, mama.
go on.
yes. it was very good to see her.
not at all. she brought me my fan mail. i had no idea there were so many strangers concerned about me. but i guess that's the best thing about working in the movies. you make so many friends. i want to go back and show them that the faith they put in me wasn't a mistake.
no.  what i mean is.  i'm just very excited by the prospect of getting on with my life, that's all.
what?
i never said.  oh look. that's just a figure of speech. she said something funny, and i said.
oh for christ's.
i'm sorry. she misunderstood, that's all.
doctor, i hate to break this to you, but my mother is a little batty.
you what?
dr. symington, how big is your dick?
'cause if it's long enough, which i doubt, why don't you wrap it around and fuck yourself in the ass!
i want outta here, you understand? i'm ready to get out! so you go back there.  you go back and you tell them to let me out!
no, i'm warning you! who do you think you are, god? you bumble around with your folders.  . and your pencils.  . and your god-damn buttons.  . all your badges of authority! but you have no authority! you're nothing! you're a zero!
symington says.
oh my god, i look awful.
they're doin' stuff to me, harry. can you see it? you feel it? they're putting stuff in my food or something, my water, and they're using it to put thoughts in my head. you understand? they're trying to re- arrange what's in my head, they're trying to drive me crazy! oh, harry!
i can't stay here anymore, you understand? i can't, i can't. i gotta get home. i gotta get somewhere else, anywhere, okay?
oh good. i love my baths.
of course, harry.
over the walls!
that sure looks like fun.  you know how long it's been since i was behind the wheel?
have i told you how mean you're turning, york?
where are we, mean man?
i should've known.
this is another one of your schemes to get me off alone.
take advantage of me.
i don't think i'd be much good in a war.
i don't know. not a war exactly. it's more a.  a misapprehension maybe.
a misunderstanding, people taking the wrong meaning from things. i wasn't declaring war, harry. i was just saying my prayers.
harry, i have to go home. i have to talk to mama.
no, she just didn't want me going to jail, that's all.
you know something, harry?
aside from meanness, you're almost perfect. there's only one other thing wrong with you.
you can't drink.
ohhh, that's lousy scotch!
what a man!
to quarter-horses.
why are you always leaving me, harry?
you should stickaround sometimes. look out for me.
i know a thing or two about marriage. you.  you understand me more than anyone, harry.  maybe even more than mama. but.  you're too important to me. i'd fail you. i don't know how or why, but i would. and that's a chance i just can't take. do you understand?
what's that?
thanks, harry, really, but.  i can't explain it. she's my mother. she's just.  i can't give up on her that easy.
yeah. it's just.  something i gotta do, i guess.
i know. don't tell anyone.
i got your number, mister man.
well, who have we here?
it's okay, mama. it's okay.
you leave him out of this!
oh mama, i'm so.  tired of that song.
i think i need a little air.
nothing. i think i'll just go out for awhile.
for a walk, mama. just a walk.
not long.
i'll be back.
sure.
i promise i'll.  i promise, mama.
yes, mama.
yes, mama.
so what do you think?
i know that, dad, but --
but dad, i'm asking about me. what do you think i should do?
dad.  whatever i decide, will it be okay with you?
i don't care, dad. i love you.
i'm back, mama.
wait, mama, wait. i have something to tell you. i've decided.  well.  i'm not going to make movies anymore. i thought that's what i wanted, and i went after it with all my soul, the way you taught me, but i was miserable, mama, and it nearly killed me. so now.  now it's over. i want a different kind of life, something.  simple. i want to live someplace quiet and peaceful.  in the country maybe, and i'll have dogs and cats -- i feel so light suddenly, so clear for the first time in.  it's going to be okay, mama, i know it. and i love you.
mama?
haven't you heard what i said?
i'm not cured. i was never sick! they had no business putting me in there! my only responsibility is to myself now!
no!
mama, shut up!
you.  you'd send me back, wouldn't you? you would.
i'm going out!
yes, i am, and you can't stop me! you can't tell me what to do, mother. i'm a grown woman, and i can decide about my own life.
don't you try and stop me. don't you dare!
if you follow me, mama, i swear i'll fucking kill you!
looking for a drink, and the town is deserted, he can't understand it. finally he finds a bar, goes in -- the place is empty, bartender's closing up. salesman says, 'gimme a martini.' bartender's real nervous, he says, 'no, no, no, i gotta close. big otis is coming to town.'
salesman says, 'i don't care. i gotta have a martini.' so the bartender fixes him a martini real fast, grabs his money, and runs out the back. salesman sits there sipping his martini,.  he's got the bar all to himself.  then he hears it. this big roaring in the street. rrraaaaaaa!!! gigantic footsteps.  coming closer. stopping.
enormous hands reach in, grab the swinging doors and rip them off their hinges. this huge man stomps in. picks up a chair and hurls it over the bar, smashing the mirror -- whiskey and glass flying everywhere.
he turns to the salesman: 'what the hell're you doing in here!' salesman says, 'i'm just drinking a martini.' 'oh yeah?' the guy says. 'well you better get outa here! big otis is coming to town!'
doctor, it may sound odd, but i believe i've profited from my stay here. it's just what i've needed, to get away like this. but i'm recuperated now. i've had lots of time to think and i've made a few decisions about my life. i'm ready to get on with it.
don't you?
no. cut this runaround, doctor. i know better.
you.  i'm sorry, forgive me. doctor, tell me honestly, what do i have to do to get out of here?
i see.
one question. if i'm not myself now, just who do you think i am?
what the hell!
come and get it.
who?
touch me again and i'll kill you, you pig.
please! take me!
i'm grateful.  grateful.
harry, please!
i love you, harry. i love you.
i realize now that i was a very sick woman.
i couldn't relate to others in a normal way.
and i was not taking responsibility for my actions. but now, thanks to your treatment, i feel ready to face myself, ready to resume the career which i so single-handedly shattered. i only hope.  i hope i can make you all proud of me. thank you. thank you so much.
no. no, it all depends on what offers i get.
well, i like to try different styles. sometimes if you're old-fashioned enough, you find you're modern. right, mama?
no, mama, i'll take care of it. i'll wash them in the morning.
thank you for understanding, mama.
i will, i promise.
oh harry.
yeah. i don't know.
i know, but.  there were so many people in there, harry. every time i turned around someone was pressing against me.  watching, looking over my shoulder, touching me, grabbing, sticking things into me. when i feel somebody near me now.  anybody.  my skin starts to crawl.
you can't change the things they did to me, harry. only i can do that.  by myself.
oh please, harry.  don't even think it. you're the only person who ever.  it's just.  can't you wait for me?
yes you do. if you love me you can wait, right? a month, six months, whatever it takes.
no, harry, it's not time, it's us. you and me. and i'm telling you now that i'll come to you, okay? i'll find you. i will.
i'm sorry.
it's always beautiful at this time. peaceful.
yes.
wherever they're going, i'm going.
well, i was picking fruit with some migrant workers until.
yeah.
you know, i've never been able to figure that out.
thank you.
wait. maybe they'll pick you up.
shit!
dad? why don't you stop at a side road and let me out?
why? it's such a simple thing. you just let me out and i disappear down a road and you never have to see me again.
dad, here! you don't have to stop, just slow down. you can tell mama i jumped out. she knows that's the kind of thing i'd do. she won't blame you.
you know where you're taking me. you know what she'll do. just give me a minute, slow down, give me an instant for once in your life, please?
daddy!
i pity us, dad. i pity us both.
do i go right away or do i have time to take a bath?
you were hoping for a kind word?! you're my mother! you're supposed to nourish me! support me!
no! all you've done is try to break my spirit, try to turn me into you! but i'm not you, mother, and i never will be, and thank god for it! that goes for you too! and frankly, i don't know how, with the two of you, i turned out as sane as i am -- wait right there, gentlemen, i'll be with you in a minute.  and believe me, i don't want to stay here one second longer than i have to! but i've got to tell you, lillian, that one day before you die, you will realize what you've done and hang your head in shame. in shame!
no! you're not talking now. you listen. you can send me away, lillian, you can pretend i'm crazy and pretend i'm still your little girl who can't take care of herself, but one thing you can't pretend anymore. you can't pretend i love you because i don't. i can't. not after what you've done to me. because you see.  i'm still me.  i'm trying real hard all this time to be me.  and you, 'little sister', you haven't been any help at all. okay, boys, i'm ready.
we shall hear the angels, we shall see the whole sky all diamonds.
harry? oh harry, i knew you'd come. i love you, harry. i love.  take me home, harry.
thank you, harry.
no, ralph. i don't believe i ever was sick. but when you're treated like a patient long enough, you're apt to act like one.
no.
no. never.
thank you, ralph.
no.  no, someone's picking me up.
oh. why, harry york. how nice to see you.
fine, thank you. did you watch the show?
how did i look?
well.  you're looking well.
i got a new car. only it's red. did you know mama died?
dad, too. i sold the house. i'm a faceless sinner, harry.
i'd ask you to take me home, but i'm a faceless sinner. . you smell good, harry. familiar, you know? i'd ask you to take me home, but.
don't get mad at me, harry. please. it's just.  some things happen for the best.
it's going to be slow from now on. do you know what i mean, harry?
very slow. but we're not going to stop, are we?
no, we're not.
goodbye, harry. it was very good to see you again.
that would be okay.