is that you, john wayne? is this me? sir, i said it, sir! sir, yes, sir! sir, to kill, sir! sir, yes, sir! sir? aaaaaaaagh! aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh! sir, yes, sir! parris island, south carolina. the united states marine corps recruit depot. an eight- week college for the phony-tough and the crazy-brave. sir, yes, sir! aaaaaaaaaaaaagh! sir, yes, sir! sir, no, sir! sir, the private said "no, sir," sir! sir, negative, sir!! sir, negative, sir!!! sir, the private believes that any answer he gives will be wrong! and the senior drill instructor will beat him harder if he reverses himself, sir! sir, the private's squad leader is private snowball, sir!!! patiently explains the disassembly of an m-14 rifle to pyle. the bolt. the bolt goes in the receiver. operating rod handle. operating rod guide. and the left one . over the right. right one over the left. left one over the right. right one over the left. just throw your other leg over . that'a boy. that's it. now just pull the next one over . . and you're home free. ready? just throw it over. that'a boy. just set it down. all right? there you go. congratulations, leonard. you did it. you fold the blanket and the sheet back works with pyle on the manual of arms. you really look like shit today, leonard. nobody hates you, leonard. you just keep making mistakes, getting everybody in trouble. i'm trying to help you, leonard. i'm really trying. tuck your shirt in. sir, in the marines, sir! leonard talks to his rifle. i don't think leonard can hack it anymore. i think leonard's a section eight. i want to slip my tubesteak into your sister. what'll you take in trade? sir, the private's sixth general order is to receive and obey and to pass on to the sentry who relieves me . all orders . sir, the private's sixth . sir, the private has been instructed but he does not know, sir! sir, aye-aye, sir! graduation is only a few days away and the recruits of platoon thirty-ninety-two are salty. they are ready to eat their own guts and ask for seconds. sir, yes, sir! sir, i wrote for my high school newspaper, sir! a killer, yes, sir! our last night on the island. i draw fire watch. are those . live rounds? leonard . . if hartman comes in here and catches us, we'll both be in a world of shit. sir, it is the private's duty to inform the senior drill instructor that private pyie has a full magazine and has locked and loaded, sir! no!!! not just this minute. yeah, we might party. how much? fifteen dollars for both of us? fifteen dollar too boo-coo. five dollars each. five dollars is all my mom allows me to spend. what do we get for ten dollars? everything? well, old buddy, feel like spending some of your hard-earned money? you know, half these gook whores are serving officers in the viet cong. the other half have got t.b. make sure you only fuck the ones that cough. that little sucker really had some moves on him, didn't he? what? don't take it too hard, rafterman. it's just business. you get wasted your first day in the field and it'd be my fault. if you get killed, your mom will find me after i rotate back to the world and she'll beat the shit out of me. that's a negative, rafterman. there's a rumor going around that the tet ceasefire is gonna be cancelled. a bro in intelligence says charlie might try to pull off something big during the tet holiday. there's a lot of talk about it, sir. got it. very catchy. sir! didn't see 'em. it was raining, sir. whichever you say. okay, an officer. how about a general? sir, maybe you should go out on some ops yourself. i'm sure you could find a lot more blood trails and drag marks. tet. the year of the monkey. vietnamese lunar new year's eve. down in dogpatch, the gooks are shooting off fireworks to celebrate. i am fucking bored to death, man. i gotta get back in the shit. i ain't heard a shot fired in anger in weeks. listen up, pilgrim. a day without blood is like don't listen to any of payback's bullshit, rafterman. sometimes he thinks he's john yes, it is, rafterman. loads an m-60 machine gun, then hunches down watching the main gate of the perimeter. hey, i hope they're just fucking with us. i ain't ready for this shit. sir . does this mean that ann-margret's not coming? yes, sir. sir, permission not to take rafterman with me? why should we do a story about you? any women or children? how can you shoot women and children? top, we want to get in the shit. two-five. outstanding! thanks, top. excuse me! sir . we're looking for first platoon, hotel two-five. i got a bro named no, sir. we're reporters for stars and stripes. yes, sir. oh. you mind if we tag along, sir? notre dame? all right! ha! never happen, sir. outstanding, sir. we taking care of business? we heard some scuttlebutt, sir, about the can you show me where, sir? stands looking down into a large open grave at a row of white, lime-covered corpses. the dead have been covered with lime. the dead only know one thing. it is better to be alive. excuse me. good morning, lieutenant. i make it twenty. is that the official body count, sir? sir, we're reporters from stars and stripes. i'm sergeant joker and this photographer's rafterman. have you got a body count, sir? do you know how it happened, sir? a peace symbol, sir. i don't remember, sir. "born to kill," sir. no, sir. yes, sir. the duality of man. the jungian thing, sir. our side, sir. yes, sir. yes, sir! aye-aye, sir. hey, bro, we're looking for first platoon, hotel two-five. first platoon? hey, lone ranger. you old motherfucker. what's happenin'? what's happening, man? yeah? well, why go back? here or there, samey-same. only your sister. rafterman. no . i'm a combat correspondent. well, i've seen a little on tv. well, they call me the joker. well, pilgrim . only after you . eat the peanuts out of my shit! is that you, john wayne? is this me? what was the matter with him? i wanted to see exotic vietnam, the jewel of oh, i'm so horny. i can't even get a piece of hand. intelligence passed the word down that during the night the n.v.a. had pulled out of our area to positions across the perfume river. our squad is sent on patrol to check out the report. punches him reassuringly in the arm. i'll follow you anywhere, scumbag. what's up? what, are we lost? i'm going with you. cowboy! get him! get him the fuck outta here!! easy! easy! shut up! you'll be all right, cowboy. you're gonna be all right. i wouldn't shit you, man. you're my favorite turd. cowboy. is the last to get up. okay. stands trembling against the shattered column. yo. we got the sniper. she's praying. what about her? we can't just leave her here. i'm not trying to run this squad. i'm just saying we can't leave her like this. we have nailed our names in the pages of history enough for today. we hump down to the perfume river to set in for the night. my thoughts drift back to erect nipple wet dreams about mary jane rottencrotch and the great homecoming fuck fantasy. i am so happy that i am alive, in one piece and short. i'm in a world of shit . . . yes. but i am alive. and i am not afraid.