yes, ma'am.
it means there's no additives or preservatives and it's hormone free.
i don't know ma'am.
i haven't heard about that. but i may not be informed enough to comment.
you are correct, i am not a doctor.
you should come see me do stand-up tonight at the comedy and magic club.
that was five months ago. i've gotten a lot better.
nah, not there. i just hang out and hope somebody doesn't show.
dude, i know you like it here but if i have to work here another year i would kill myself.
just come. i need the support.
i'll pay your cover charge.
laughter's the ultimate lubricant.
i was thinking about doing something about how i'm not good looking and i'm not bad looking. i'm just good looking enough that if i had a good personality, it could put me over the top. if that was the case.
i had a joke once about how you never see incredibly hot, blonde, homeless women. because someone will always take care of that kind of woman. that woman could be the dumbest person on earth and she will survive in this world.
that could work.
that's not cool. i came up with the concept! what do you got? let's work on what you have.
how could they make you a regular? i got turned down twice.
no we didn't see it. just don't leave those things laying around.
i thought you were moving out.
she's in our apartment? i've never even talked to her. i just gave her quarters at the washing machine.
i need time. i have a three-month plan.
nice to meet you. i think i gave you quarters once. ira walks over to the kitchen area, takes out a paper cup. he pours some orange juice without looking and the paper cup falls over and spills all over the counter. mark looks horrified.
don't worry, i'll just lick it off the counter. nobody laughs. ira starts wiping up the oj with a rag.
well how long is he going to do?
well what about the magician? he just loaded his pigeons. he said i have to get off in ten minutes.
i just got bumped by george simmons.
he's killing the crowd. jesus, i can't follow this shit. after completely losing the crowd, and some minor confrontations with audience members, he exits the stage.
i'm not good looking. i'm not bad looking. i'm just in the middle. and if i had a personality that was jut good enough, it would put me over the edge. the joke fails. we reveal george also watching him bomb, amused by his struggle. he sees something he likes in ira.
sorry, man. i didn't mean to disturb you. i just can't open my door. there's no room.
thanks!
well, i'll probably bomb worse tomorrow and forget about this one.
well, obviously, i'm a.  you know. i grew up on your shit, man. george just stares at him.
holy shit, you got seven hundred thousand hits in four days.
hello?
yeah. who is this?
oh my gosh. hey, how is it going?
definitely. what kind of jokes? leo passes by in the background. we see ira decide not to include him in this job offer.
no problem. where do you want me to send em?
it's a. irasexirać®gmail.com.
ok.
that was george simmons. he wants me to write jokes for him.
i don't know, but he is gonna send me his email address.
easy. let me get in there a little more.
thanks man. i just want to give you a lot of choices.
oh, it was fun to try to write in your voice. i spent the whole night pretending i was you.
yeah! that'll work.
no you can't. because then we look like fans.
he doesn't watch your show. you're show is for eight-year-olds. it's a family show, he doesn't watch that shit.
yeah, this'll be fun.
you don't have to do that. what if i bomb?
(turning white from
uh. credits? i don't really have any credits. maybe you could just say i've been working on apples for so long, my first one weighed more than i did. nobody laughs.
i panicked. they just wanted jokes about computers.
but there's a lot more. the first three on this page. you didn't think they would work, but i think they will. you should just try them.
are you serious? angle on dave on stage.
sure. i like fun.
that's the most money i've ever made doing anything in comedy.
well, i didn't make a hundred grand like you.
you are very pretty.
i didn't say anything was going to happen. i just said you were pretty. how do you even know i wanted something to happen?
i guess so.
did you have sex with both of those girls?
that is crazy. that is super crazy.
how can that even happen? i guess i understand the first one, but why would the second one do it? you probably stink of the first girl.
what?
she wouldn't fool around with me because she said she had a boyfriend.
i should get going.
i may have to whack it in your guest room.
thanks. that was fun. it was rare that i get to play to more than twenty-five people. i've never played for a thousand.
it, s kind of easier, because even if two hundred like me, it sounds like a lot.
why would you say that?
no.
they're bananas. and always broke. they got divorced ten years ago, but they both act like it just happened last week. they hate each other. they always put me in the middle of it. i always wanted them to say, "we don't want you to suffer through this, so we're just going to handle it ourselves." they never would do it. they would always make me feel their pain all the time. i would never do that for my kids. because it's like they._`.re kids. and no matter how many times i tell them to leave me out of it, they never do. ira notices that george is very close to falling asleep.
i'll let you crash.
alright. so.  i work at a supermarket at the deli counter. i hate it, but the money's actually pretty good. better than you'd think. but i'd rather do comedy full-time if i could. the camera pulls back as ira continues to talk, and we begin to hear george snoring, as ira continues to talk anyway.
okay.
eggs.
what are you doing, man? are those vitamins?
what do you got?
are you fucking with me? that's not funny, man.
i never heard that before. that would be a big deal.
you're not going to tell anybody? you told me.
i don't know, man. i don't think you want to go through this alone. i think you've got to tell people. your family. your friends.
what? anything, man.
what does that mean?
i can't do that!
fifty thousand dollars? can i at least take a little time to think about it?
you're an asshole.
that's not cool, man. you told me you're going to die and you want me to euthanize you. i almost had a heart attack.
don't do this. my friends do this all the time. they trick me, and then they trick me again. i'm very gullible. don't do it.
are you religious? does that give you any comfort?
no.
he doesn't want to be that guy. he picked up two girls at a bar. then he had sex with his. and then he came out and had sex with mine.
no.
no, what i'm saying is. he's so lost right now that he's hiding from the world. and he's trying to distract himself by doing stand-up and having sex with a lot of women. and he doesn't want anyone to know but me.
because he doesn't know me. so he doesn't give a shit.
no, i think we had kind of an instant connection. the other roommate, jay, walks by.
shut up, jay. jay keeps walking.
i feel like he's crying out for help, and i can help him. he's made us so happy in our lives, this is our chance to do something from him during this time. there's a lot of wisdom we can take from this. what he's going through. we can apply it to our lives.
no, what is life all about? what is important? how should we decide to live this precious life? reveal that mark is crying.
that's why we should talk about it! you can't run from it, man. this could make us into better people. this is an opportunity.
well i'm going to fucking learn something. mark cries even more.
hello.
sure.
absolutely. what do you want to pay me? they close the doors, drive off.
okay, that could work. we can tell that this amount of money could change ira's life.
i was thinking maybe you should do some material about what you're going through, being sick. there could be something really powerful, and it would mean a lot to people, that you would share that with them.
it could be classic stuff. for the ages.
grandma! get off the fucking phone. don't run up my fucking bill.
george? george? he walks through the house, finds george in bed. for the first time he seems sick.
are you all right?
it's three in the afternoon.
well do you need anything?
i. .i. .can't anyway. i'm doing the late shift at the deli counter.
i know, i just want to be safe, make sure i can pay my bills. i don't like to be nervous about that shit.
notice? i'm not giving you any notice. i'm just quitting.
why would i give you notice? i'm not trying to stay in ralph's good graces. i'm not trying to preserve my good standing at ralph's.
i'm just quitting. you don't quit and then keep working for two weeks.
i wish i could help you, but i'll kill myself if i keep working here. it's not what i want to do. maybe gail can cover my shifts.
i don't know. get someone to cover from a different ralph's. there are thousands of them in southern california. no one else can scoop macaroni into a bowl? i'm not the linchpin that keeps ralph's from falling into chaos.
you know what? i'm glad you said that, because i was about to tell you i could work this weekend. what's your problem? i didn't say anything bad about you, i just said i didn't want to work for ralph's anymore. chuck takes a step to ira like he's going to hit him. ira steps back a few feet.
i'll tell dave. i'll tell dave. i tried to do this politely. the thanks i get.
see you, phyllis. you're nice.
hey, daisy.
ira.
i was gonna try to hunt down tickets to see wilco at the greek theatre. you want to come? are you into them at all?
okay. i'll call you with the details. hopefully i'll be able to get seats which will not require high-powered binoculars.
perfect. then i can play you their live album in my car and trick you into thinking we have front row seats. that won't work.
that wasn't funny at all. i'm gonna leave while i'm ahead right now. she smiles. he walks away.
george? ira walks into george's bedroom. he hears something, pokes his head in. in the dark, he can barely see george making phoney calls by himself. ira listens for awhile, not sure what to make of this. george doesn't see him.
i was thinking you need to tell someone about your situation.  your condition.
i feel like maybe you're holding everything in and i can understand why you don't want to deal with it because why would anyone want to deal with it. but i bet you have a lot of unfinished business with your friends. wouldn't it make you feel a lot better to get your affairs in order? what do people do at this moment don't they have to do stuff?
everything has changed. at some point you're going to get really sick and you need your friends and family around you. i'm sure there's a lot of business, estate issues, i don't know. maybe you'll feel better than if you just deal with everything. where are your parents?
friends?
i think if you talk to people you'd find out a lot of people care about you. you're kind of old already, i mean, compared to me. i'm sure you touched a lot of people's lives. you can't spend the rest of your days making phoney phone calls alone in your room.
well maybe that's the problem. maybe if you told more people you'd have more people to call. you can't just talk to me about it, i don't know what the fuck i'm talking about. you're the first person i've known who's sick. i'm not good at it. (eyes beginning to well
i'm sorry.
(tears streaming down his
that was first and last time. i'm not even crying anymore.
i don't think i am. i think i'm not anymore. i'm not sure what you're talking about.
i'm sorry, george. i really don't know what to do, i don't know how to help you.
do you want me to call them, and tell them what's going on?
fuck. i was hoping you were gonna say no.
hi, this is ira, i'm a friend of george's. he asked me to call you. his roommates are making a commotion outside. ira covers the receiver.
will you guys shut the fuck up? shut the fuck up! ira slam the door.
i'm sorry. i have some news about george.
afterwards you'll be happy you did it.
i think george is going to take a nap now.
you have to, you have no choice. you're doing good. and you're almost done, don't worry.
i was thinking we should go skiing somewhere. you're still physically doing well, and that's not going to last forever. you should do something active. go to colorado, or tahoe, or something. or do something crazy. go to switzerland, or sweden, or wherever they have mountains.
i don't know, i don't even ski, but you do. maybe you should do something like that. ira notices george is falling asleep, so he talks more quietly. he's gotten good at this.
if it's too hard, we can just ski for an hour or two a day, and then get drunk at the bar. you can hit on hot ski instructors, and then i can masturbate in the room thinking about you fucking hot ski instructors. he thinks george is asleep, so he walks out as he speaks.
whatever. it'll be fun to be in the mountain air, fun to look at the mountains. maybe you shouldn't even be here. we can hang out there as long as you want, i got nothing to do. ira closes the door.
hey. how's it going?
i guess it's been more than ten days.
don't worry about it, it doesn't matter, i don't give a shit. leo walks in the front door.
i've been getting good weekend spots.
what's with you guys? you both want to fuck my mother too? what more do you want to do to me tonight? ira walks away.
so now you're with mark? you're his girl?
you got a lot accomplished in one night. how did this happen?
must have been a great episode. i should get a job on a shitty show so i can use it as foreplay.
i am not treating you like anything. do what you want. i don't give a shit. i'll go to wilco alone.
how could you do that? i thought we were going out on a date.
i bought tickets to wilco and i worked all week to get a reservation at a place that doesn't normally let people like me eat there. i just didn't see this coming. yes, you're right. you can do anything you want. i'm glad this fucking happened, before i wasted the night with you. i didn't think you were that kind of person. that you would sleep with a guy like that.
no, i think he's a pussyhound.
you got excited because he's the star of the show. you literally star-fucked.
i thought you were joking.
i just bought these two wilco tickets. wanna go?
come on, are you kidding me? we all want to be you. most of my comic friends are just doing a bad impression of you. people love your shit.
it's a lot.
what are you doing?
you're not feeling good?
oh my god, oh my god! ira goes to hug george, but it's a very awkward moment. ira really wants a happy hug, but george is instantly uncomfortable.
i was happy to help.
uh-huh.
yeah, we'll figure it out.
it's always good to keep breaking new ground.
well, i'm gonna start thinking. and. i'm really happy for you. are you freaking out right now?
and he thanked me for helping him, and i really think i was a help during this time. i'm not saying that's why he got better, but he definitely had good energy and i hear that helps your immune system.
i don't know, he said one or two hundred thousand.
thank you for the advice, bob. that's very helpful.
what are you talking about?
so i have to? i just stopped working at a supermarket two weeks ago. i'm trying to create some financial stability for myself. the first time i make any real money, i can't just give it to her.
well you guys went on a cruise to greece last year. maybe you shouldn't have gone, and saved for her college education.
i had to drop out of college after two years because you couldn't pay for it. now i have to pay for hers? let her figure it out. let her get a job.
then sell your house. move into a smaller house. use the extra money to pay for her college. or tell her to work for a year or two, make some money, then she can pay for her own college. no one helped me out, i'm just digging out from under now.
one good thing happens to me in my entire life, and you have to try and take it away and ruin it.
hey george, we're doing an orphan's thanksgiving tomorrow night, want to come? it's just for us losers who don't have any family to eat with.
sure. what time? do you need me to bring anything? 3 o'clock at my apartment. bring wine that we can't afford. the computer bings.
that's pretty much all wine on earth. see you then.
hey faggots, i know what you're doing. stop emailing me. it's not amusing anymore. they all start high--fiving.
i've just been busy. will you excuse me? ira gets up, walks out of the room.
you don't have to lie to him. he knows it's not good.
come on, futoran, we're about to eat.
i don't want to right now.
i didn't expect you to blurt it out like that. that was very honest of you.
this is making me uncomfortable. the whole thing, it makes me uncomfortable.
i actually scalped them and made a hundred bucks.
i'm sorry i got so upset with you, because it shows you how much i like you, which is weird because we've hardly spoken. i understand all of that.
well, you smell right to me. daisy smiles at ira, just as leo stomps back into the room. he charges right up to ira, pissed off.
uh. yes.
i didn't think you would want to.
i'm sorry, it's just, i needed the gig. and you are doing so much better than me. i guess i just wanted this for myself.
i did. and it was fucked up. and i am sorry. i don't know what to say.
are you serious?
i never told leo because i wanted the gig?
well i fucking live with you now because he told me to leave.
he said friends don't lie and i'm fucking with his career.
fuck off.
thank you for letting me stay here.
no. you want to come talk to me while i crash?
see, the thing i was thinking, was. you always play an immature guy. what if the joke of the movie is you're incredibly smart, intellectual and well-mannered. you just go the opposite way with it.
i. .i gotta go through my notes.
well we'll still write the script, right?
let's just keep banging at it.
you have a date? who do you have a date with?
you know what you should do, just as an experiment? you should try and not fuck her?
because you're always saying you don't know if women like you for who you are. you don't know if they like you because you have money or you're famous. why not take some time and get to know them before ass-raping them. in a romantic way.
see, you can't do it. you can't even entertain the idea of getting to know somebody for a month before sleeping with them.
what nationalities have you slept with?
new jersey. do handjobs count? because then also california.
how big a theater?
you should have told me so i could have prepared. i've never played a place that big. how long do you want me to do?
shit.
i don't own anything nice.
how fucking up north is this?
so we have like five more hours to drive?
i don't like how you made me your limo driver. it's weird you're in the back and i'm up here.
i can't even listen to the radio because you're watching the movie. can i sit back there and you drive?
what happened?
i'm afraid so. i've been told if i'm good it warms the crowd, and if i'm bad it makes them want george more, so.
you didn't tell her that you're not sick anymore? why wouldn't you tell her?
me? why do you want me to tell her?
that's weird.
you had to do this to me right before my set. like i'm not nervous enough.
you seem surprised.
thank you. hopefully george won't be mad if i tired the audience out.
so you guys were dating right when he started doing well?
where did you meet him?
you don't seem like a bitch.
sounds like fun days.
i don't know if you've heard, but it looks like george's medicine is working.
he just found out. he doesn't want to jinx it. he doesn't want people to get excited, and then have it come back again. the lights go down.
why do we have to stop by there tomorrow? the drive is long enough as it is. george opens up his wallet, gives ira a thousand dollars.
i'm excited to see her ranch. i hear it's delightful.
why couldn't we have gotten two different rooms?
so, what happened with you and laura? you seem to get along so well. why did you cheat on her?
how many times did you cheat on her?
jesus.
why do you want to go see her tomorrow? we could do something productive like get some writing done.
i don't want to watch adult movies with you.
okay.
you okay, buddy?
can i live here?
that's crazy, owning a horse. i can't even keep a goldfish alive.
how old are you?
really? because i thought you were like nine, about to turn ten.
my hair. i have curly hair too. curly hair is the best.
if you straighten my hair, i look crazy. i look like the killer from no country for old men. have you seen that movie? mable, laura's ten-year-old daughter storms into the room.
yo, dawg. that was the bomb. it was a little pitchy in places, but i dug it. i really dug it.
i don't know, dawg. it was a bad song choice. i'm not feeling it.
but it's like a seven, eight hour drive home. if we stay for dinner, we're not going to get home till like four in the morning. george stares at ira for a beat, then --
no.
sure. i'm great with kids. i was a camp counselor for five years. camp winadu. kids love me. i'm like a human teddy bear.
if you had an exacto knife we could cut these sticks in half and make a chimney.
why would you say that?
george is gonna be fine.
here's the truth. george was really sick.
but he went to the doctor and they found the right medicine and now he's better. and he's gonna live a long time. the kids buy it, and ira seems relieved.
you're back. that was quick.
where are the groceries?
what's taking so long with the pizza? before anyone can say anything the pizza delivery guy appears in the doorway.
it tastes just like new york pizza, which is so surprising because you can't get good pizza in los angeles, so you wouldn't think you could get it in northern california. but this really tastes like new york pizza. a long pause.
my friend backpacked across china and he caught some sort of virus or something from what he ate. he was sickforweeks. he still has it. it'sthekind of thing you can't getridof, you have it for the restofyour life, but it stays dormant.
i'd love desert. what do you have? do you have any ice cream or cake, or anything like that? i have a real big sweet tooth right now. why don't we go into the kitchen and do an ice cream bar with kids right now? i've got a better idea, i make a really good milkshake. we should all go make milkshakes with the kids right now in the kitchen.
either that or they're all young and they just look like shit. clarke laughs.
they are beautiful, but we have to get going. we have a really long drive to get back to los angeles.
no, i'm just big-boned.
we really do need to get back. i have to visit my mom. i can't miss it. it's her birthday. everyone in my family is coming in from across the country for it. she's turning 65. it's very important we get back for it.
well . i don't how you define these things-i'm not.  sure.
oh shit. it's on.
he was sick. he was very sick.
what the fuck is going on? did you guys do something?
why?
but she has two kids, she's married.
you cheated on her.
he was trying to cure you with herbs. he seems like a great guy.
i can't stay out of it. we took your car here. i have no way of leaving.
so what are we gonna do?
hey, daisy. it's ira.
i just wanted to talk to you because i'm in the middle of a terrible situation and i don't have anyone i can talk about it with. my friends are all mad at me and george is kind of losing his mind.
look, i know you think i have the moral code of some guy from the 50s like dwight eisenhower, but i'm with george and he's hitting on his ex-girlfriend who's married now and has kids and i don't know what to do. i'm kind of freaking out. i think i'm having a panic attack.
well telling me to not have a panic attack is not going to stop it.
haha, very funny.
well i guess they dated like ten years ago.
it's 10:15 in the morning.
they don't look that tired. the kids are yelling and screaming and clearly have eight more hours in them.
i wet the bed til i was eleven. it wasn't even a mental thing. i just got relaxed when i was asleep.
so when are we going to go home? you're not talking at all about when we're going to go home.
are you okay with everything? this is happening pretty fast.
okay.
she's nice. i don't really know her very well.
yeah, well when you have two kids and a husband, and horses and ducks, it's not all about fucking.
that's just the hormones of youth. i'm all about fucking. but i don't expect to be when i get older. i'll be occasionally about fucking, which is normal. the fact that you're all about fucking now is the weird thing.
what does that mean?
she's about to leave her husband for good. she has two kids. you're not sure this is going to work?
well, she'll live with you.
of course. what else would she do?
you don't want to hang with the kids?
okay, but i've got to run out and grab some cigarettes.
i never smoked in front of you because you were sick. but i do.
holy shit, holy shit. where's the fucking airport around here? ira tries to figure out how to work the navigation system in a panic. he can't make it work.
how do you get to the fucking airport?!
i'm getting cigarettes.
i got lost. i don't know this town.
ok, i'll hurry back.
oh, i'm just headed back to los angeles. i've got some spots at the improv i've got to do this weekend.
this is the international terminal? i'm so confused, i've never been to this airport before.
an adult is watching them.
what the hell happened?
uh oh. ira runs out of the lounge. laura runs out also.
no, no, no! i'm here. i'm here.
george! clarke is coming back to the house. he knows everything! i'm coming to get you. be at the end of the driveway. no! be at the next driveway over! to the north!
okay.
i am a good friend because this entire situation is crazy. you are out of control.
when i got there, she was already kissing him. i never even had a chance to stop it. i didn't get to do anything!
you told me not to jump in.
i know, that's why i became a comedian, because everyone used to beat me up! george runs at clarke who cracks him in the head hard, sending him to the floor. then ira takes a run at him and clarke kicks ira in the face twice, with both feet. laura runs into the middle of the scene.
we're just playing that's all.
that was meaner than him punching you. that is a demented motherfucker. george punches ira in the face. ira fires back two punches at george's face and he stumbles back.
get the hell off of me you psycho.
no.
fine.
you are the most self involved person i have ever met.
no matter what the situation, no matter how many laughs or how many women you get you will never be happy. you're always going to be miserable. you are a bottomless pit. a bottomless wound.
i am not responsible for you. you wanted me to sit back and destroy this woman's life? help you cheat on her? you put me in a terrible position. i don't give a fuck, go fuck yourself.
you made me the tacky? i'm not a lacky, it's a job.
who cares? if being funny means being like you, i rather be a little less funny.
you're the only person i know who learned nothing from a near-death experience! you actually went backwards. all it did was it brought out what a prick you are, brought everything bad to the surface. i liked you better when i was sure you were gonna die.
everything is about you. you don't even know where i live. you've never asked me one question about my life. how much can one person talk about himself ? you never ask me shit about anything!
fuck your money. fuck you. this has all been a huge mistake.
okay, i'm getting out. you have to drive yourself home. i'm getting out here.
because then i'd still have your car.
there is no later! i'm not going to ever talk to you again. so i don't want your car.
oh man, you got jerked off on that couch.
thanks. i'm sorry, i lost my way for a while.
hey george.
i'm sure i would. i look forward to seeing it. are you going on tonight?
i made it myself this morning.
i stake my reputation on it.
mrs. gail, this fine woman would like a quarf'of potato salad. the woman moves to the other side of the counter. we reveal george standing there, holding his ticket.
yes we do.
back in the saddle.
well, you're not a very good writing partner.
that guy was a douche-bag.
he was going to heal you with those herbs, man. you get sick again, you should call that guy.
it's all right, man. you've been through a lot.
is everything going okay? how are you doing?
i'm actually going up tonight.
yeah, i've been trying to get off my ass and do some writing.
i was thinking about doing a bit about how i'm not very good looking, but i'm not bad looking, but i'm just good-looking enough that if i had a good personality, it might put me over the top.
and how all of her boyfriends look like lou costello.
more current? what year was cannonball run, 1978?
i was going to talk about how i haven't had sex in so long, that i can't even remember my previous sexual experiences so i can masturbate to them.
that's a good one. you can write.