oh my god, i got the most fucked up thing i been meanin' to tell you.
you guys know my cousin mikey sullivan?
well you know how he loves animals right? anyway, last week he's drivin' home.
i'm sorry, 'cause you know mikey, the fuckin guy loves animals, and this is the last person you'd want this to happen to.
okay. he's driving along and this fuckin' cat jumps in front of his car, and so he hits this cat--
--and he's like "shit! motherfucker!" and he looks in his rearview and sees this cat -- i'm sorry--
so he sees this cat tryin to make it across the street and it's not lookin' so good.
so mikey's like "fuck, i gotta put this thing out of its misery"--so he gets a hammer--
out of his tool box, and starts chasin' the cat and starts whackin' it with the hammer. you know, tryin' to put the thing out of its misery.
and all the time he's apologizin' to the cat, goin' "i'm sorry." bang, "i'm sorry." bang!
and this samoan guy comes runnin' out of his house and he's like "what the fuck are you doing to my cat?!" mikey's like "i'm sorry" --bang--" i hit your cat with my truck, and i'm just trying to put it out of it's misery" -- bang! and the cat dies. so mikey's like "why don't you come look at the front of the truck." 'cause the other guy's all fuckin flipped out about--
yeah, so he's like "check the front of my truck, i can prove i hit it 'cause there's probably some blood or something"--
and so they go around to the front of his truck.  and there's another cat on the grille.
is that unbelievable? he brained an innocent cat!
will!
you're gonna get charged!
stop brushin' me back!
casey's bouncin' at a bar up harvard. we should go there sometime.
i don't know, we'll fuck up some smart kids. you'd prob'ly fit right in.
you could put a pool in that backyard.
what morgan, you're not gonna go talk to her?
morgan, i'm not goin' to "kelly's roast beef" just cause you like the take-out girl. it's fifteen minutes out of our way.
all right morgan, fine. i'll tell you why we're not going to "kelly's." it's because the take-out bitch is a fuckin' idiot. i'm sorry you like her but she's dumb as a post and she has never got our order right, never once.
we're not goin'. i don't even like "kelly's."
would you shut the fuck up! i know what you ordered, i was there!
what do you mean "your sandwich?" i bought it.
how much money you got?
well give me your fuckin' change and we'll put your fuckin' sandwich on layaway.
i think you should establish a good line of credit.
oh motherfucker.
jesus christ. not even close.
no she didn't get your double burger!! it's all fuckin' flyin' fish filet!!
no, and we got four of 'em.
cause fuckin' morgan's got a crush on her, we always go there and when we get to the window he never says a fuckin' word to her, he never even gets out of the car, and she never gets our order right cause she's the goddamn missing link!
what do we got?
shut up.
morgan, let's go.
you're goin'. and if you're not out there in two fuckin' seconds, when i'm done with them you're next!
hey, thanks for comin' out.
when's the arraignment?
you got fired from pushing a broom, you little bitch.
my uncle can probably get you on my demo team.
i told you "no" yesterday!
so, this is a harvard bar, huh? i thought there'd be equations and shit on the wall.
hey, how's it goin'?
so, you ladies ah, go to school here?
yeah, cause i think i had a class with you.
ah, history i think.
yah, it's not a bad school.
history.
good, it was all right.
hey, come on pal we're in classes all day. that's one thing about harvard never seizes to amaze me, everybody's talkin' about school all the time.
to tell you the truth, i wasn't there much. the class was rather elementary.
all right, are we gonna have a problem?
what'd you get? you get leniency?
you're fuckin' good.
just submit, morgan. he's got you in the cobra clutch.
who'd you call?
i didn't get on cathy last night.
i don't know.
cathy! why didn't you give me none of your twat last night?
she's missin' teeth, will.
plus, it's like, five to two morgan ends up marryin' her. there's only so many times you can bang your friend's future wife.
two weeks? that's nothin'. my uncle marty? will knows him. that guy fuckin' drinks like you've never seen! one night he was drivin' back to his house on i-93 -- statie pulls him over.
guy's tryin' to walk the line -- but he can't even fuckin' stand up, and so my uncle's gonna spend a night in jail. just then there's this fuckin' boom like fifty yards down the road. some guy's car hit a tree.
yeah, he was probably drunker than my uncle, who fuckin' knows? so the cop goes "stay here" and he goes runnin' down the highway to deal with the other crash. so, my uncle marty's standin' on the side of the road for a little while, and he's so fuckin' lit, that he forgets what he's waitin' for. so he goes, "fuck it." he gets in his car and drives home.
so in the morning, there's a knock on the door it's the statie. so my uncle's like, "is there a problem?" and the statie's like "i pulled you over and you took off." and my uncle's like "i never seen you before in my life, i been home all night with my kids." and statie's like "let me get in your garage!" so he's like "all right, fine." he takes around the garage and opens the door -- and the statie's cruiser is in my uncle's garage.
no, he was so hammered that he drove the police cruiser home. fuckin' lights and everything!
the fuckin' trooper was so embarrassed he didn't do anything. the fuckin' guy had been drivin' around in my uncle's car all night lookin' for the house.
it's a good thing no one's irish here.
i'm glad you came by, changed my opinion of harvard people.
what do i look like, al cowlins? you want to take my car, drop her off?
you're walkin' bitch, will's takin' the car.
don't get too slap-happy, you're takin' me home first.
just 'cause you don't have to sleep in the one room palace, don't start thinkin' you're bad.
yeah, not tonight. not any other night.
since this is obviously not my first time in such altercations, let me say this:
look, we can do this the easy way or the hard way.
at the current time i am looking at a number of different fields from which to disseminate which offer is most pursuant aid to my benefit. what do you want? what do i want? what does anybody want? leniency.
--these circumstances are mitigated. right now. they're mitigated.
he knows what i'm talking about.
a retainer. nobody in this town works without a retainer. you think you can find someone who does, you have my blessin'. but i think we all know that person isn't going to represent you as well as i can.
retainer.
allegedly, what i am saying is your situation will be concurrently improved if i had two hundred sheets in my pocket right now.
come now.  what do you think i am, a juvenile? you don't got any money on you right now. you think i'm gonna take a check?
that's right, you know. he knows.
you're suspect. i don't know what your reputation is, but after the shit you tried to pull today, you can bet i'll be looking into it. any conversations you want to have with me heretofore, you can have with my attorney. gentlemen, keep your ears to the grindstone.
get it, ma!
hey.
how you doin'?
how'd you know where to find me?
oh, right.
pipe down, ma!
what? no. this is my mother's house. i don't live with my mother. i just stop by, help out. i'm good like that.
she'll live. if she starts yelling again i might have to run in real quick and beat her with the stick again but.
let's take a walk.
you caught that, huh?
well, i don't have no trousers on.
i know why you're here. will don't talk much.
i really don't know what to say. look, i lie to women all the time. that's just my way. last week morgan brought these girls down from roslindale. i told them i was a cosmonaut. they believed me. but will's not usually like that--
take it easy father!
all i can say is; i known will a long time -- and i seen him with every girl he's ever been with. but i've never seen him like this before, ever with anyone, like how he is with you.
yeah, it is.
morgan, if you're watchin' pornos in my mom's room again i'm gonna give you a fuckin' beatin'!
why don't you beat off at your house?
how's the woman?
what?
sorry, brother. i don't know what to tell ya. you know all the girls i been with. you been with 'em too, except for cheryl mcgovern which was a big mistake on your part brother.
some shows are worth the price of admission, partner.
my fuckin' back is killin' me.
suck my crank. fuckin' sheet metal pussy. so, when are you done with those meetin's?
are they hookin' you up with a job?
yah, but it's better than this shit. at least you'd make some nice bank.
it's a way outta here.
look, you're my best friend, so don't take this the wrong way, but in 20 years, if you're livin' next door to me, comin' over watchin' the fuckin' patriots' games and still workin' construction, i'll fuckin' kill you. and that's not a threat, that's a fact. i'll fuckin' kill you.
listen, you got somethin' that none of us have.
fuck you. you owe it to me. tomorrow i'm gonna wake up and i'll be fifty and i'll still be doin' this. and that's all right 'cause i'm gonna make a run at it. but you, you're sittin' on a winning lottery ticket and you're too much of a pussy to cash it in. and that's bullshit 'cause i'd do anything to have what you got! and so would any of these guys. it'd be a fuckin' insult to us if you're still here in twenty years.
let me tell you what i do know. every day i come by to pick you up, and we go out drinkin' or whatever and we have a few laughs. but you know what the best part of my day is? the ten seconds before i knock on the door 'cause i let myself think i might get there, and you'd be gone. i'd knock on the door and you wouldn't be there. you just left.
now, i don't know much. but i know that.
oh my god, i got the most fucked up thing i been meanin' to tell you.
oh, morgan.
no, i had to talk him down.
little morgan's got a lot a scrap, dude. i'd rather fight a big kid, they never fight, everyone's scared of 'em. you know how many people try to whip morgan's ass every week? fuckin' kid won't back down.
shut the fuck up.
hey, asshole. happy birthday.
shut up, morgan. here's your present.
yeah, i figured now that you got your big job over in cambridge, you needed some way to get over there and i knew i wasn't gonna drive you every day.
morgan wanted to get you a "t" pass.
but you're twenty-one now, so--
me and bill scraped together the parts, worked on it. morgan was out panhandlin' every day.
guy's been up my ass for two years about a fuckin' job. i had to let him help with the car.
fuck you. i re-built the engine myself. that thing could make it to hawaii if you wanted it to.
happy 21, will.