yeah. establishing trust is the most important component in making breakthroughs with a patient. why? maureen? keep up the good work, maureen. vinnie? don't bullshit me, vinnie. didn't your brother give you the notes? okay. if a patient doesn't trust you then they won't feel safe enough to be honest with you -- then there's no point to them being in therapy. it's like saying -- "fine, come here and don't tell me a thing but go home feeling like you're doing something about your problems -- and give me my fifty bucks before you leave will ya'!" if you don't help them trust you -- then there's no way you'll ever get them to sleep with you. and that should be the goal of any good therapist. insecure women, you know. nail 'em when they're vulnerable, that's always been my motto. see, i got vinnie's attention. gerry. well, it seems we're in the presence of greatness. professor gerald lambeau is a field's medal winner. combunatorial mathematics. 1986. the field's medal is the nobel prize for math. but it's only given out every four years. okay, that's all for today. try and get through fernald by monday. good to see you. i've been busy. since nancy died. i got your card. i've been busy, gerry. i got a full schedule. not much free time, gerry. yeah. and he mailed it to hardy-- where he contracted pneumonia and died at a young age-- why me? my kind of background? he's from southie? how many people did you try before you came to me? who? barry, henry, rick. not rick? you didn't send him to rick? can we do it at my office? i got it. i'll be okay. would you excuse us? you too, gerry. hello, will. i'm sean maguire. where are you from in southie? have you read all these books, will? how about the ones on that shelf? what did you think? i did. yeah, it did take me a long time. how about noam chomsky's "manufacturing consent?" you think so? guy your age shouldn't smoke so much. stunt your growth. yes, i do. free weights. yeah. do you paint? crayons? tell me what you really think. what does? what is? oh, "starry night" time, huh? sure, how 'bout "still waters run deep"- maybe what mea-- maybe you should be a patient and sit down. watch your mouth. if you ever disrespect my wife again. i will end you. thursday, four o'clock. make sure the kid is here. come with me. i was thinking about what you said to me the other day, about my painting. i stayed up half the night thinking about it and then something occurred to me and i fell into a deep peaceful sleep and haven't thought about you since. you know what occurred to me? you're just a boy. you don't have the faintest idea what you're talking about. you've never been out of boston. so if i asked you about art you could give me the skinny on every art book ever written. michelangelo? you know a lot about him i bet. life's work, criticisms, political aspirations. but you couldn't tell me what it smells like in the sistine chapel. you've never stood there and looked up at that beautiful ceiling. and if i asked you about women i'm sure you could give me a syllabus of your personal favorites, and maybe you've been laid a few times too. but you couldn't tell me how it feels to wake up next to a woman and be truly happy. if i asked you about war you could refer me to a bevy of fictional and non-fictional material, but you've never been in one. you've never held your best friend's head in your lap and watched him draw his last breath, looking to you for help. and if i asked you about love i'd get a sonnet, but you've never looked at a woman and been truly vulnerable. known that someone could kill you with a look. that someone could rescue you from grief. that god had put an angel on earth just for you. and you wouldn't know how it felt to be her angel. to have the love be there for her forever. through anything, through cancer. you wouldn't know about sleeping sitting up in a hospital room for two months holding her hand and not leaving because the doctors could see in your eyes that the term "visiting hours" didn't apply to you. and you wouldn't know about real loss, because that only occurs when you lose something you love more than yourself, and you've never dared to love anything that much. i look at you and i don't see an intelligent confident man, i don't see a peer, and i don't see my equal. i see a boy. nobody could possibly understand you, right will? yet you presume to know so much about me because of a painting you saw. you must know everything about me. you're an orphan, right? do you think i would presume to know the first thing about who you are because i read "oliver twist?" and i don't buy the argument that you don't want to be here, because i think you like all the attention you're getting. personally, i don't care. there's nothing you can tell me that i can't read somewhere else. unless we talk about your life. but you won't do that. maybe you're afraid of what you might say. it's up to you. no smoking. no, he just sat there and counted the seconds until the session was over. it was pretty impressive, actually. to show me he doesn't have to talk to me if he doesn't want to. i won't talk first. you've never been on a plane. yeah? you got a lady now? how'd it go? well, are you going out again? why not? jesus christ, you are an amateur. so christ, call her up. and right now you're perfect too. maybe you don't want to ruin that. well, i think that's a great philosophy will, that way you can go through your entire life without ever having to really know anybody. my wife used to turn the alarm clock off in her sleep. i was late for work all the time because in the middle of the night she'd roll over and turn the damn thing off. eventually i got a second clock and put it under my side of the bed, but it got to where she was gettin' to that one too. she was afraid of the dark, so the closet light was on all night. thing kept me up half the night. eventually i'd fall asleep, out of sheer exhaustion and not wake up when i was supposed to cause she'd have already gotten to my alarms. my wife's been dead two years, will. and when i think about her, those are the things i think about most. little idiosyncrasies that only i knew about. those made her my wife. and she had the goods on me too. little things i do out of habit. people call these things imperfections will. it's just who we are. and we get to choose who we're going to let into out weird little worlds. you're not perfect. and let me save you the suspense, this girl you met isn't either. the question is, whether or not you're perfect for each other. you can know everything in the world, but the only way you're findin' that one out is by giving it a shot. you sure won't get the answer from an old fucker like me. and even if i did know, i wouldn't tell you. i teach this shit, i didn't say i knew how to do it. my wife's dead. my wife's dead. time's up. really? how'd the date go? no, i don't. i gave that up when my wife got sick. i didn't write anything else 'cause nobody, including most of my colleagues bothered to read the first one. yeah. lon? he got married. he has a kid. i kind of lost touch with him after nancy got sick. what? do i wonder if i'd be better off if i never met my wife? no, that's okay. it's an important question. 'cause you'll have your bad times, which wake you up to the good stuff you weren't paying attention to. and you can fail, as long as you're trying hard. but there's nothing worse than regret. why? because of the pain i feel now? i have regrets will, but i don't regret a singel day i spent with her. october 21, 1975. game six of the world series. biggest game in red sox history, me and my friends slept out on the sidewalk all night to get tickets. we were sitting in a bar waiting for the game to start and in walks this girl. what a game that was. tie game in the bottom of the tenth inning, in steps carlton fisk, hit a long fly ball down the left field line. thirty-five thousand fans on their feet, screamin' at the ball to stay fair. fisk is runnin' up the baseline, wavin' at the ball like a madman. it hits the foul pole, home run. thirty-five thousand people went crazy. and i wasn't one of them. i was havin' a drink with my future wife. that's right. you should have seen this girl. she lit up the room. i just slid my ticket across the table and said "sorry fellas, i gotta go see about a girl." they could see that i meant it. no will, i'm not kiddin' you. if i had gone to see that game i'd be in here talkin' abouta girl i saw at a bar twenty years ago. and how i always regretted not goin' over there and talkin' to her. i don't regret the eighteen years we were married. i don't regret givin' up counseling for six years when she got sick. i don't regret being by her side for the last two years when things got real bad. and i sure as hell don't regret missing that damn game. well hell, i didn't know pudge was gonna hit the home run. so she goes runnin' up the aisle and i figure "fuck it" and i yell out "don't forget the coffee! gerry! any trouble finding the place? timmy this is gerry, an old friend of mine. we went to college together. could we get a couple of sandwiches? put it on my tab. i got the winning numbers right here. twelve million. i live right around the corner. i been here a couple years. you wanted to talk about will? i think so. we haven't really gotten into it. jobs doing what? that's great, gerry, that there's interest -- but i'm not sure he's ready for that. what don't i understand? thanks, timmy. isn't that a little dramatic, gerry? he married his cousin. einstein. had two marriages, both trainwrecks. the guy never saw his kids, one of whom, i think, ended up in an asylum- possible unabomber addition-- i do. just. take it easy, gerry. maybe he doesn't care about that. now wait a minute, gerry-- personal rivalry? i'm not getting back at you. is it gerry? 'cause i don't think it's fine with you. give him time to figure out what he wants. so you might be working for uncle sam. gerry says the meeting went well. what did you think? do you think you're alone? do you have a soul-mate? someone who challenges you in every way. who takes you places, opens things up for you. a soul-mate. they're all dead. but you can't give back to them, will. that's what i'm saying, will. you'll never have that kind of relationship in a world where you're afraid to take the first step because all you're seeing are the negative things that might happen ten miles down the road. don't give me your line of shit. it's not about that job. i'm not saying you should work for the government. but, you could do anything you want. and there are people who work their whole lives layin' brick so their kids have a chance at the kind of opportunity you have. what do you want to do? nobody gets what they ask for, will. that's a cop-out. you're right, will. any man who takes a forty minute train ride so those college kids can come in in the morning and their floors will be clean and their trash cans will be empty is an honorable man. and when they get drunk and puke in the sink, they don't have to see it the next morning because of you. that's real work, will. and there is honor in that. which i'm sure is why you took the job. i just want to know why you decided to sneak around at night, writing on chalkboards and lying about it. 'cause there's no honor in that. something you want to say? why don't you come back when you have an answer for me. if you won't answer my questions, you're wasting my time. i been there. i played my hand. look at me. what do you want to do? you and your bullshit. you got an answer for everybody. but i asked you a straight question and you can't give me a straight answer. because you don't know. now wait a minute-- --gerry-- hold on! i know what i'm doing and i know why i'm here! "undermine?" he is at a fragile point. he's got problems-- why do you think he does that, gerry? why is he hiding? why is he a janitor? why doesn't he trust anybody? because the first thing that happened to him was that he was abandoned by the people who were supposed to love him the most! and why does he hang out with his friends? because any one of those kids would come in here and take a bat to your head if he asked them to. it's called loyalty! and who do you think he's handling? he pushes people away before they have a chance to leave him. and for 20 years he's been alone because of that. and if you try to push him into this, it's going to be the same thing all over again. and i'm not going to let that happen to him! --i'm not angry at you-- --i don't have any anger at you-- that's it. that's why i don't come to the goddamn reunions! because i can't stand the look in your eye when you see me! you think i'm a failure! i know who i am. i'm proud of who i am. and all of you, you think i'm some kind of pity case! you with your sycophant students following you around. and your goddamn medal! i don't want your trophy and i don't give a shit about it! 'cause i knew you when!! you and jack and tom sanders. i knew you when you were homesick and pimply-faced and didn't know what side of the bed to piss on! i don't blame you! it's not about that! it's about the boy! 'cause he's a good kid! and i won't see this happen to him- won't see you make him feel like a failure too! if you push him into something, if you ride him-- he's not you! look, a lot of that stuff goes back a long way. and it's between me and him and it has nothing to do with you. oh, this is your file. i have to send it back to the judge with my evaluation. you want to read it? twenty years of counseling you see a lot of-- yes. my dad used to make us walk down to the park and collect the sticks he was going to beat us with. actually the worst of the beatings were between me and my brother. we would practice on each other trying to find sticks that would break. gotta go with the belt there. the wrench, why? i didn't know you had. do you want to talk about that? i don't know a lot, will. but let me tell you one thing. all this history, this shit. look here, son. this is not your fault. it's not your fault. it's not your fault. it's not your fault. it's not your fault. it's not your fault. it's not. which one did you take, will? that's what you want? good for you. congratulations. we're done. you did your time. you're a free man. you're welcome, will. i'm gonna travel a little bit, so i don't know where i'll be. i just. figured it's time i put my money back on the table, see what kind of cards i get. i'll be checking in with my machine at the college. if you ever need anything, just call. do what's in your heart, son. you'll be fine. no. thank you. only if you grab my ass. good luck. come in. me too. yeah. summer vacation. thought i'd travel some. maybe write a little bit. i don't know. india maybe. never been. i got this mailer the other day. class of sixty-five is having this event in six months. you should come. i'll buy you a drink. hell, i know that. sounds good. it's on you though, until eight o'clock tonight when i win my money. i don't know. gotta be at least four to one. you're pretty quick with those numbers. how about the odds of me buying the first round?