hey, am i rubbed in? stu glances over and sees un-rubbed-in sunscreen all over alan's face.
enh, we've moved past the pressure stage. it's more like aggravated assault stage now? like at the last wedding we went to, she threw a camera at my head, called me a closet fag, then ran out crying. the guys wince, oooo.
but we talked, and everything's cool now.
great idea, stu. thanks.
isn't custard like a trillion calories--?
is this gonna do better than the hip-hop label you started, vick? or the topless sushi bar? or the mobile tattoo parlor--?
what?
i am so not getting paid back.
so, you ready for sunday?
tracy's dad still hate you?
any closer to figuring out why?
ahhh yeah, i wasn't going to tell anyone about that-- just then, stu wanders in, wearing only his colorado state boxer shorts. his gut is sizable.
actually, i-i was trying to keep it a secret, so-- just then vick blows in, singing, effeminate:
oh, it's a family heirloom. my grandmother smuggled it through the holocaust, actually. i was going to propose to beck this weekend. doug throws his arm around alan, happy for him.
we've only had two shots, man!
seriously, man, we're your friends.
just give me ten more minutes, beck.
wet. water. jesus, what's--?! there's a thud as alan falls out of tub. beat. then stu and a very confused, very hungover, very wet alan stumble out of the bathroom. alan appears to be wearing his polo shirt from the night before. only, as we pull back, we see that his shirt is cut off at his chest -- he's naked from there down.
what did we do last night?
i can't taste anything.
hey.  are we missing something? the guys all slowly look around. then stu points at alan:
no. that's not it.  there's something else.  vick nods at stu as he stuffs food in his mouth.
doug. guys, where's doug? the guys look around. hunh.
you calling the room? vick nods, uh-huh. he lets it ring, rubbing his temples. then he hangs up.
ummm. shouldn't we look for him? check-out is in like ten minutes.
what an asshole. stu, check the pool and the casino, i'll check the room and the gym. maybe he's working out or something.  stu nods, and they slowly slide out of the booth.
and vick, if you could keep a close eye on the buffet, that'd be really helpful. thanks, man. alan and stu saunter off. vick yells after them, mouth full:
doug? doug? wake up, man. alan enters the bedroom where doug slept, and stops. it takes him a second to realize what's wrong:
that's weird.
i hate you all.
no, i assume you didn't either? stu shakes his head, no. then atashir hangs up his phone.
dude. it's 120 degrees outside.
great. so we've officially lost doug. his wedding is in what, 22 hours?
okay, so last night.  the guys wince, trying to remember. it's painful to think.
right, that was like, 6ish?
yeah. then. we played craps at the hard rock. maybe?
i'm pretty much blank after the hard rock.
so that was what, 10ish?
okay. so we only have a 13 hour window where we could've lost him. they guys frown. shit. stu puts his hands into his pockets, thinking.  then he feels something. a matchbook. he pulls it out. it's from the flamingo nightclub.
atm receipt from the rio at 10:37-- for 600 dollars?!
here's a receipt from sbarro. the meal was comped for some reason--
someone could've given that to us.
i think we should call tracy.
what if doug called her? she might know where he is. stu shifts uncomfortably, tenderly adjusting his ass.
but shouldn't we at least tell her we're gonna be getting home late?
i think i'm beginning to see why you're always single.
jesus, what is it?
sweet mother of mercy.
i'm sure there's a perfectly logical explanation for this.
yeah, maybe there isn't.
oh god, that doesn't mean you're gay.
so what, he's a great-looking dude--
yeah, i think we'd all remember.
wait -- i was there that weekend. did you have gay feelings for me?
what?! i was a good-looking kid!
all right, we're scaring the children. let's go. the guys head for the door. stu quickly pulls up his pants.
oh my god.
oh. my. god.
"to my noble husband, alan." the guys eyes bulge, oh shit!
that was us, dude.
yeah, there's no bed in doug's room.
yeah, stu, i really do.
seriously: what am i gonna tell becky? for 14 years she's been begging me to get married.
wait, is that homeless guy wearing doug's shirt? the guys turn to see a homeless guy weaving down the sidewalk in doug's distinctive orange shirt from the night before. once they pass, the guys exchange a look.
what if they don't remember us--?
w-who's. chastity?
i am never. ever. drinking again.
we got a unicorn?!
a-and how much did that cost?
i'm gonna kill you!
i don't suppose you have any sort of return policy, do you?
what. we hear someone yelling at him. alan's eyes bulge.
oh, hey becky! hi! he steps away to take the call. vick explains to carla:
no! i-i have no idea--! then vick calls over from the white plastic table, pissed:
nothing! baby, nothing, the guys
i know, baby! i know--
yes. i will. i promise.
yes, no, i love you too! becky hangs up, rolling her eyes, unbelievable. stay with alan as he closes his cellphone. exhales.
amazing.
i paid 7 grand for sbarro?!
let go of what, exactly, vick?! the fact that i married a complete stranger last night? or that my girlfriend's about to leave me? or that i'm broke? which one?!
i know you think it's like terminally uncool to be in a committed relationship, vick, but i actually love becky, okay?
yeah, no, you're absolutely right, vick, i've always secretly wanted to marry a bottle blonde with big fake melon tits named chastity!
i was going to propose to her this weekend, you jackass!
i swear to god, vick, if you say one more word to me, i will destroy you.
vick, don't be a dick--!
why'd you do that?!
do you think we stole something from them last night?!
i'm calling the police. this is getting way out of control--
"no cops?!" who are you, fitty cent?!
every little thing?! we were just assaulted by the yakuza!
they knew your name, vick! which means they probably know who stu and i are, too!
no messages.
what. what am i supposed to do?
why me?!
listen to me. just. did we, or did we not, have sex last night? alan braces, please say no, please say no.  vick braces, please say yes, please say yes.
wait-- we didn't use a condom?!
can someone. please open a window?
you work here? behind him, vick slaps five with stu, psyched.
look, i don't know how to tell you this, but--
the holocaust, man. alan just stares into space. vick takes him by the shoulder.
i have besmirched my people.
please. don't. just then a spotlight finds chastity and alan, and the sleazy ponytailed dj up in the booth comes over the p.a. system:
twenties?
look, i don't know how to say this, but my friends and i were very drunk last night. we would never come to a place like this-- he glances over at vick and stu -- but they're gone.
guys?
what the hell are you doing?!
we don't have time for this! we gotta find doug!
what?
you are so goddamn selfish, vick. you really are. stu, let's go.
dude: doug is missing! we have less than 18 hours til his wedding! we do not have time for this!
vick--!
no, look-- i am like totally against this, morally and politically. plus becky specifically asked me not to--
whoa, whoa, i'm smelling the roses-- vick literally yanks alan up from the banquette.
that was. a little fun. vick smiles -- just as a las vegas police car hops the curb, lights flashing, and cuts them off! two mustachioed cops get out and hurry for them, pointing, intense.
whatever we did, we're so sorry!
nothing?
oh my god--
officers, i swear, we have no memory of that ever occurring--
we have a very important wedding--!
you do?!
oh, thank you, officers!
did you have to be such a dick?!
yeah, four hours later! if we'd just cooperated with them--
what are we gonna do now? we've got zero leads on where doug is!
i said i knew i shouldn't have come this weekend, vick!
yeah, that's right. i only came because doug insisted. vick steps towards alan, heated.
i don't -- i just think i'm better than you, vick! and trust me, it's not that hard! you haven't changed one bit since high school! jesus, you're 28 years old and you still talk back to cops?! really?!
and you're still the one getting us in trouble! only then it was hiding your weed in our locker, and now you've got us partying with wanted felons! it's not cute anymore, man! we're too old for this! vick scowls; this is actually hitting home.
and all your stupid get-rich-quick schemes?! girl-nasium?! custard?! in los angeles?! are you joking?!
when's the last time you had a real job, man?! when's the last time you had a girlfriend?! hell, when's the last time you picked up the check?!
those "things," vick, are what grown men do! vick swallows, furious.
stu? is that true? stu gestures, uncomfortable, enh, who's to say? alan nods, i see, his face reddening.
i've. always. hated you.
hey -- how'd you start vick's car?
and vick's daddy taught him how to get really drunk at his kid's soccer games and then piss himself.
what if it's doug?
we have tell her we lost doug.
no, just tell her the truth! honesty is always the best policy!
why do i have to be the one that fell over drunk?!
perfect. we just told tracy we'd have doug home in 13 hours, and we still have no idea where he is.  they pass a doorman on their way out, who's standing with a stamp and a uv light reader.
it's like a map of last night! the guys look at each other, hope returning to their faces!
nice clue, stuey! i can't believe we're actually gonna pull this off! stu grins over at the car next to them. then he stops.
lots of people have hats like that. stu nods, yeah, i guess.
the golden pony. that's us.
then why is your underwear nailed to the wall? the guys turn to see numerous pairs of men's underwear nailed to the wall nearby. a sign above it reads "chaps wall of fame." we recognize stu's colorado state boxers.
oh my god, are they autographed?
stay very close to me. she smiles and dances through the crowd.
some of my best friends are gay.
not. not really? i live in connecticut, man, we don't even have black people yet. stu nods, right. then, after steeling himself, he enters.
i don't know! i don't know why i insisted!
so what did happen last night?
really? doug did?
and our doug was with us?
wait, so we left with doug at 4:45, we got back to the hotel at 5:00, and doug was gone by 5:30 when chastity met back up with us?
after all this?! he's in the room?! they keep laughing and hug each other, heartfelt. vick even hugs roger.
that was cool of roger to give you all the tapes of your performance.
this has officially been the craziest weekend of my life. thanks for all your help. you were awesome.
i'm sorry about all this, chastity.
beg pardon?
okay, well, i'm sorry, jennifer.
where you from?
oh yeah?
you fly out every week?
kid?
no kids. same girlfriend for 14 years. becky. alan shows her a photo of becky on his cellphone.
stu! chastity tries to stymie her laugh.
becky is great.
she has low blood sugar.
jesus, guys! this is the girl i'm going to marry! if, you know. she forgives me for cheating on her.
of course i'm going to tell her! i could never keep something like that from her.
well, then that's just the price i'm going to have to pay. alan looks off, stoic. chastity pats his hand, proud.
listen, mr. lang, whatever we did last night, we are incredibly sorry-
what's going on, vick? vick stammers, trying to find the words.
jesus, vick.
m-m-mr. lang?
h-how much does vick owe?
200 thousand dollars?!
how the hell could you blow that kind of money?!
jesus, stu, wake up! there is no custard store! vick was just trying to rip us off to pay back jimmy lang!
look, i'm glad we're all sharing, but we've got three hours to come up with 200 grand, or else.  the guys nod, frowning, back on point.
i'd offer to take a loan out, but it's 3 o'clock in the morning, i'm pretty sure my bank is closed.
so that just leaves 180 grand.  the guys frown at each other.
just over 100 grand. the guys wince, damn.
it's not red.  stu turns, ecstatic--
it's green. the ball has stopped on green, double zero. stu clutches his chest, like he's having a seizure. vick inhales, grim. alan slowly drops to his knees. chastity closes her eyes. their huge pile of chips is raked off the table.
no. it might get a little dangerous. i wouldn't want.  he trails off. chastity nods.
thanks for all your help. awkward silence. the cold desert wind blows.
yeah, probably not.  alan looks genuinely sad.
yep, just driving out to the middle of desert to meet some mobsters, what could possibly go wrong? the guys all frown.
i think we should tell mr. lang that we couldn't get the money, but that, if he's amenable, we could create a payment calendar--
yes, good! what an airtight plan--!
this is the dumbest plan ever.
i can't believe this is how we're going to die.  the yukon pulls up about ten yards away. no one moves. the yukon's doors open.  the cadillac's doors open.  tight on the jimmy lang's red boot as it hits the road.
jesus, what'd they do to him?
oh my god: it's the other doug! roger's friend, the cake designer!
oh my god oh my god oh my god.
i'm being shot at! i'm being shot at!
oh my god, is he okay?!
yeah, i was just thinking that!
now can we call tracy?
who wants to make the call? beat. then vick reaches for his nose, odd man out. stu and alan immediately reach for their noses, too. it's close.
what?! no! i beat you by a mile!
well, i'll be damned.  vick grabs the bottle of patron, takes a long swig. beat.
tracy, it's alan! hey, vick is just joking around! we've got doug right here! vick looks like: what?!
i know, vick is such a prick! we'll see you at the wedding! bye! alan hangs up and races back to the car. vick follows.
i know where doug is!
remember when we saw doug's bed impaled on the griffin thing?!
no: the windows don't open, remember?!
and that's why we've been seeing doug's clothes all over vegas! he was trying to signal someone!
and it totally jives with the timeline, right?! we brought doug back to the hotel at 5:00, he was passed out.
the patron, man! it reminded me of our first drink of the night!
after doug passed out, we must've taken him up there in his bed as a prank, so he'd wake up on the roof or whatever? then we forgot him.
only one way to find out.
doug?! doug?!
doug!
no flights to la with empty seats!
totally understandable, man. whenever you're ready.
i never had a doubt. they laugh. alan smiles, more relaxed than we've ever seen him. they sip champagne and watch doug and tracy enjoy their first dance on the dance floor.
yeah. like a decade or two-- then stu sees someone approaching over alan's shoulder.
i-i'm so sorry, i can explain-- then there's a woman's voice behind them.
jennifer? chastity smiles that he called her by her real name.
she's my wife. becky's jaw drops. chastity smiles slightly. stu and vick grin, oh shit!
we don't make each other happy anymore, beck. and we can keep not making each other happy for another 14 years -- hell, maybe even another 50 years -- but let's not. let's find people who make our hearts race. let's be excited and fun and alive again.  alan looks at becky, sincere, honest. beat.
i'm sorry, beck. i really am. can i buy you a free drink? chastity smiles, takes his arm, and they walk off together towards the bar.
let's start with dinner, and see where it goes?
damn straight you will! they all laugh.
we really are sorry, man. doug nods, i know. vick raises his cocktail.
to doug and tracy.