dude this is already the best weekend ever!
oh, did i show you pictures of my kids?!
haylee is two, and kaitlin is already four! can you believe it?!
jesus, dude, those are my children--
yeah, you're good.
maybe you could wear a helmet to doug's wedding.
me too, man! i love pudding! alan just shakes his head, unbelievable.
dude! i can't believe i get to party all night, and then, tomorrow . i get to sleep in! it's almost too much! and fyi, if anyone gets really drunk and craps themself, just let me know, i can have you cleaned up and partying again in under three minutes. no joke. i am a master of stool removal.  they rocket off into the desert, laughing.
this is bigger than my house. vick blows past them, totally unfazed.
anyone got any nipple lube--? jesus would you look at the size of that thing?! stu grabs the ring from doug.
jesus, who made this thing? diddy?
dude, it's for becky! alan's finally going to propose!
thish is so great! i love you guys!
dude, i'm a dad! i don't have time to get plastered anymore! it blows!
because my dad was a bad dad.
have i showed you guys pictures of my kids yet--?
oh yeah! that was hilarious! and remember when i blacked out at homecoming and you wrote on my face with permanent marker?! that was awesome! what'd you write again?
ahh, good times, man. good times.
yeah, we've totally grown up since then. doug looks at them, highly dubious, then hoists his glass.
yo.
what?
dude. i have a mullet. then we hear alan's voice in the bathroom, groggy:
whoa, did you sleep in the tub? beat, then stu pokes his head out of the bathroom.
check it out: alan slept in the tub.
yeah, and it might be time for some manscaping, bro. your bush looks like yanni. alan looks back up again, squinting, hungover.
dude, why is my ass killing me?
this might be the worst hangover anyone has ever had, ever.
yes: i left my hat in the room -- thank you, alan. they continue eating. alan looks up again, still troubled.
yeah. he's not here.
good morning, this is stu?
it's vick-- then stu realizes. oh.
this is doug's phone. vick nods, ya. he's already dialing another number.
yeah, and we told tracy we'd have doug back to la by five. vick just looks at both of them, his mouth full of food:
no, no. it's cool, i'm a dad. it's totally cool.
doug! doug! two gay men in identical tank tops pass by, holding hands.
hey guys. doug! doug--! then stu registers what just happened. he stops and turns around -- enh? -- but the gay men are gone. before he can comment, however, he sees vick and alan talking to atashir at
you find doug?
maybe he went for a jog?
or shopping? the guys just look at him like: you're an idiot.
okay, honestly? i don't even remember going to dinner.
was doug still with us? vick rubs his temples, trying to fight through the hangover.
hey! look, we were at the flamingo. a long beat of silence.  then the guys hurry to an empty blackjack table and start emptying their pockets of the detritus from the night before. they find matchbooks, receipts, room keys, a valet ticket.
we drove last night? the guys wince, jesus.
yeah, totally! there's no way we went there! we're not gay! hahaha! they frown, then stare at all the clues lined up on the blackjack table.
yeah, i'm with alan on this one.
guys, wait. i need your help -- oh my god -- like right now. come on.
you don't have to look up my butt, just at it. something is terribly, terribly wrong.  stu's jeans fall to the ground -- and everyone freezes.
i-i-i don't know?! what do you think it means?!
really?! what?! alan tries to think of one.
oh my god, guys: what if i'm gay?!
i do watch dancing with the stars with the kids!
and once, i caught myself gazing at a topless photo of david beckham!
and then i had those weird feelings for vick that time in middle school, remember?! everyone stops. vick most of all.
yeah, that weekend we were all camping -- i told you this.
i didn't?
yeah. i had weird feelings for you that weekend. like really hot, really gay feelings. but then they went away. vick is just looking at him, stunned.
wait, what? just then, a father and his young son enter the men's room and see stu standing there, pants down, in his g string.
wait -- so have either of you tested the waters?
how am i going to tell my wife?
jesus, what kind of father am i? alan's hand clinks against the railing again, and this time it registers. alan looks down -- and stops cold.
you think erin will try to take the kids--?
cool ring. also, my dad is gonna have a field day with this. vick, however, recognizes the implications of the ring, and starts back towards alan.
what's the big--? oh! oh! oh!
maybe it's not a wedding ring?
this is worse than my underwear! vick takes the ring and reads the rest of the inscription:
check it out, some idiot threw his bed out the window last night. stu points over at a huge stone griffin in front of the hotel with an entire bed impaled upon its ear.
really?
you okay, vick?
naaah.
jesus, she is stacked.
sorry. she looks really nice. but alan is too busy gaping at the next photo, of him and chastity atop a unicorn in the chapel.
no way! awesome!
holy crap!
i want a shield!
yeah, what the hell, me either!
hey, how's becky doing, man?!
look on the bright side, alan. vick found a great clue.
that's another hour of last night that we can account for. isn't that great?
great -- where was the feast?
i ain't mad atcha, dude.
guys, come on, let's not use our angry words--
who are these guys?!
maybe they just wanted to talk!
oh my god i am such a bad dad!
yeah, vick, what's going on?
if anything ever happened to my family, vick.
come on, let's toss the place. alan starts wading through the crap in the living room, while vick and stu head off to check the bedrooms.
hey, check it out, vick! i invested 30 grand in your custard store last night! vick calls from the other bedroom.
hey, you wanna come in here a sec?! vick enters a moment later to find stu staring into the closet. vick follows his gaze and sees a sexy woman snoring away on the closet floor, her blonde hair obscuring her face.
you think she's what those guamian dudes wanted?
wake her up, man!
she seems really cool.
yeah, are you chastity mervish now--?
they don't open.
dude, i think your wife's mad at you.
work friends?
dude.
don't be so hard on yourself, dude-- just then chastity runs back over with two blonde strippers.
dude: i might not be gay. then alan hurries in with chastity; he looks pissed.
i think i know why he married her.
is it weird that we're sitting this close watching?
i really shouldn't be here. i have daughters. then both of their heads angle the same way.
how can she do that without dislocating her hip?
did she just do that in heels?!
did you see them trample those tiny japanese businessmen?! i think they killed like four of them! everyone laughs. vick puts his arm around alan.
honestly, man, i will confess to anything you want!
who is he?
did we kill someone last night--?!
we're in a lot of trouble, aren't we.
oh no, sir, please don't!
it was really nice meeting you--!
why hasn't he called? it's 8:30. the guys shake their heads, i don't know.
do you think he's okay--?
i mean, we were hanging out with mobsters last night, man! they kill people for looking at `em weird--!
or what if we like drove doug out to the desert and left him, just as like a funny prank--?!
okay, let's all take a breath--
look, we're all tired and hungry--
wait, what--? too late: alan charges vick and tackles him onto the lawn! they roll on the ground, trying to punch each other, but it ends up being a mess of half-chops, pulled hair, and hands in each other's faces.
hey, no! time out! we all need a time out--! thunk! stu is accidentally kicked in the face and goes down. alan and vick continue rolling on the lawn, trying to beat the crap out of each other. they could be kids again. then, just when it starts getting way too intense,
good call on happy hour, chastity. these tacos kick ass.
guys, come on! for doug?
"number blocked."
good evening, this is stu!
it's tracy! vick glares at alan. alan looks away, shit.
why is she calling me?!
hey, trace! w-what's going on?
wow, that sounds amazing!
ummmm. hang on. she wants to know where doug is!
um, what'd you say?
yeah, um, hang on. she still wants to know!
listen, tracy, alan fell on a
h-he was drunk. and the doctor -- a different doctor, not the one he fell on -- he said we couldn't move him until the wedding--
but we're going to have the wedding at your home-- tracy just looks really confused. exasperated, vick rips the phone away from stu.
oh my god, guys! look! stu holds his hand under the uv light -- it's covered in stamps from all the clubs they've been to the night before! stu yanks up his sleeve to reveal his entire forearm glows, completely covered with stamps! the guys hurry back and slide their forearms under the uv light, too: they all have the same stamps! their eyes alight:
where do you want to start?!
hey: is that guy wearing doug's hat?! the guys look over to see that the driver of the next car over is, in fact, wearing the distinctive fedora-style hat doug was wearing last night. the guy turns off the strip.
all right, this is the last place we went, "chaps." vick rolls to a stop in front of.
you sure we came here? then they look up at the marquee. it reads "chaps: home of
maybe i'll just wait in the car-- but vick is already shoving stu out of the car.
yeah, i don't think we came here.
those could be anybody's. thousands of people go to colorado state--
i am so gay.  just then, a buff waiter in assless chaps blows by, smiling.
r-roger?
oh. g-good, thanks?
is that true?
oh my god.
did we. you know. do anything?
was i. the boy or the girl?
i'm really not sure we can be friends anymore.  finally, chastity starts laughing.
no! that's cool, i don't need to see it--
i'm a dad, i-i don't get to the gym as much as i'd like.
annnnd that would explain the searing ass pain.
that doesn't make any sense.
he was passed out, how far could he have gone--? just then, vick's cellphone rings. the caller id reads "mandalay bay." he answers:
they're sure it's him?!
oh thank god he's okay.
i know, if i actually was gay, i'd totally date roger first. what a gentle soul. they get into vick's clunker.
we like you way better.
becky collects teapots.
she has low fun sugar.
uh-oh. the door slams behind them, and they whip around to see kikiolani standing in front of the door, blocking their exit. he has an identical cast on his right arm.
not good. just then, a toilet flushes and an immensely large man in a red suit exits the bathroom, drying his hands. we recognize him from his police photo as crime boss jimmy lang, 50's.
how could you do this to us, man? we're your best friends.  vick looks away, ashamed.
oh my god.
was it for the custard store?
is that true, vick? vick just stares out at the city, not denying it.
were any of your deals. real?
dude, i manage an applebee's, that money meant something to me.  vick spins around, furious:
come on, vick--
come on, man, we've been bro's since third grade, it's gonna take a lot more than money to ruin our friendship. vick looks down, deeply touched.
what i don't understand is why you didn't just ask me for the money. i would've given you every last cent i had, man.
i love you, man.
also, i banged your sister sophomore year. vick pulls away.
sorry. just seemed like a good time to tell you. vick stammers at stu, speechless.
she had just broken up with that guy from central, we were playing "i never" at tim donahee's pool, one thing lead to another--
i think i can get a 20 grand cash advance on my credit card.
time check!
chip check!
faster! come on chip check!
i stopped counting at six! i can hear my heart beating in my head! alan finishes counting the chips -- and frowns.
you sure we don't want red?! what if the ball lands on red--!
i can't watch! my heart's gonna explode! can your heart even explode?! because i think my heart is gonna explode! i can't watch! the ball lands. dead silence.
it's red, isn't it?! i knew it! tell me it's not red!
so what's our plan?
here they come. they all look up to see a white yukon approaching on the far horizon, kicking up a trail of dust. the guys tense up.
yeah?
aaaaaaahhhhhhh! jimmy looks up to see stu insanely charging him like the linebacker he once was! jimmy raises his gun, but
i can't believe you just saved my life!
he's gonna be really upset!
that was you!
vick, who won?!
yeah, we threw it out the window.
i don't get it.
i-i still don't get it--
not. to me. so much?
you think he's still up there?!
oh my god, i'm so glad you're okay!
yeah, you have every right to be upset! we validate your anger!
well, we can't drive! it's 350 miles to la and the wedding starts at 10, which is in--
--three hours! beat. then vick, stu and alan exchange a look. a smile slowly creeps across their faces.
you gotta admit, it's a pretty funny prank.  i mean, up until the part when we forgot all about you. doug just stares out at the desert in stony silence.
he's still not talking to us.
you think doug's ever going to talk to us again?
uh-oh. the guys all look over to see
oh, i missed you guys so much!
we'll tell you the whole story when you get back from your honeymoon.
to doug and tracy.