what do you mean, they won't let us do the sketch? but we showed it to them in rehearsal! you know, what'd they do, figure out what the words mean? how could it be short? we timed everything long. i don't know how they can do that to us. that's-- we go on in thirty minutes, right? i got such a migraine. why me, lord? what did i-- you-- standards and practices? okay. why, all of a sudden, is the sketch dirty? could you-- read the papers! half the country's doing it! we nev-- we don't name names! we say the pope. we-- oh, je-- i had to make some cuts. it's four lousy lines! oh, you're crazy! it's not so delicate. everybody's married to every line. okay. all right, all right. you know. no-- yeah, wh-- yeah, what did you do? swallow a drugstore?! look at this guy. oh, jesus! hey, does anybody got a tagamet? my, my ulcer's starting to kill me! christ, this show is ruining my health! meanwhile, my ex-partner moves to california and every stupid show he produces turns out to be a big hit. brother, what am i gonna do with my life? speaking of that, i-i. gotta remember to see my ex-wife tomorrow. tch. i know. i know. i got two minutes. i got two minutes. 'cause, god, the show is killing me. i got a million appointments today. it just so happens it fell this way. i gotta see new comedians later, i've gotta-- happy birthday, fellas! happy birthday! yeah, aren't you like, you know. a little, uh, hey! a little hug! what is this? now how 'bout a little action from the kids? how is everything? yeah? yeah? okay, kids, you can open the presents now. let me get a little reaction here. how's elliot? yeah? oh! really? that'll be terrific for him, i think. i like him. i think he's a sweet guy. the few times that i've met him. isn't that a great mitt? 'cause he's a loser. h-he's so awkward and he's clumsy like me. so i, so i like that. i always like an underconfident person. you know? i, uh. you've always had good taste in husbands, so. mh-hm. isn't that great? go right over there. come on! hurry up! let's go! go out, go out by the sung vase and, and catch this. see? gee, hannah's sweet. although, sometimes i still do get angry when i think of things. oh, what the hell. at least, i'm not paying child support. oh, god, i hope there's nothing physically wrong with me, either. this time i really think i have something. i mean, i'm absolutely convinced that-that-- you know, i mean, it's not like that adenoidal thing, you know, where i didn't realize i had them out. so, so, but it was when i was younger, so-- mm-hm. well, this guy's the real hypochondriac of the family. i mean, he's, you know, he's-- yes, a little dizziness, and i think, i think i'm developing a hearing loss in my right ear . or my left ear, my, my left. oh, n-n-n-no. no, i'm sorry. it was my right, my right, my right or my left ear. now i ca-can't remember. really?! no, i-i've been perfectly healthy. you know me. i always, i-i always imagine that i have things. oh, uh, about a month ago. wha- what do i have? yes, now-now that you mention it, uh, i-i-i have, uh, buzzing and also ringing. ringing and buzzing. um, am i going deaf, or something? yes, is it, is it, uh, healthier to have problems in both ears? the hospital? what kind of tests? well, if it's nothing, then why do i have to go into the hospital at all? i mean, uh, i hear perfectly fine, so i'm, so i'm a little weak on the, on the high decibels. so i, you know, i won't go to the opera. like what? huh, uh, hello, dr. wilkes? dr. wilkes, this is mickey sachs. you have a minute? i want to ask you a question. i-if you have, i-if you have a hearing loss in one ear, and-and it's not from a, uh, virus or a loud noise or anything, wh-what are the possibilities? uh, right, but-but nothing worse? really? i feel dizzy. sshh, you know, i don't feel well. do you hear a ringing? is there, is there a, is there a ringing sound? n-n-no, not that. like-- sssss, if i have a brain tumor, i don't know what i'm gonna do. no, naturally they're not gonna tell you, because, well, you know, th--, sometimes the weaker ones will panic if you tell 'em. oh, god! do you hear a buzzing? is there a buzzing? i can't keep my mind on the show. if there's nothing wrong with me then why does he want me to come back for tests?! like what?! what? don't say that! i don't want to hear that word! don't mention that while i'm in the building. you--i got the classic symptoms of a brain tumor! naturally, i, i--do you know i--the sudden appearance of a black spot on my back! i--how was i to know?! everyone was pointing back here. i can't. i can't think of it. this morning, i was so happy, you know. now i, i don't know what went wrong. no, i was happy, but i just didn't realize i was happy. a brain scan? okay. take it easy. he didn't say you had anything. he just doesn't like the spot on your x-ray, that's all. it doesn't mean you have anything. don't jump to conclusions. nothing's gonna happen to you. you're in the middle of new york city. this is your town. you're surrounded by people and traffic and restaurants. i mean, god, how can you, how can you just one day. vanish? keep calm. you're gonna be okay. don't panic. i'm dying! i'm dying! i know it! there's a spot on my lungs! all right now, take it easy, will you? it's not on your lungs. it's on your ear. no, it's the same thing, isn't it? oh, jeez, i can't sleep! oh, god, there's a tumor in my head the size of a basketball! n-now i keep thinking i can feel it every time i blink! oh, jesus! he-he-he wants me to do a brain scan to confirm what he already suspects. look. i'll make a deal with god. let it just be my ear, okay? i'll go deaf. i'll go deaf and blind in one eye maybe. but i don't want a brain operation! once they go into my skull, i'll-i'll wind up like the guy with the, with the wool cap who delivers for the florist! oh, relax, will ya? your whole life you run to doctors. the news is always fine. that's not true. what about years ago? gee. isn't there anything i can do? push-ups or hormones? well, i gotta get a second opinion. well, then a third opinion. i'm so humiliated. i don't know what to say. i mean-- how could i ruin myself? what do you mean, ruin myself? hey, you gonna start knocking my hobbies? jesus! maybe, maybe we can adopt a child. he said you could adopt one-- what are you talking about? what, by a st-stranger? fro--? you want a-a defrosted kid? is that your idea? with a, with a stranger? with a-- yeah. i-i think as, i think as far as laughs, i mean just plain laughs, you know, that was probably the best thing that we ever did. yeah, but it was, you know, i guess we had fun when we were there and, you know, it's just, i-- yeah. jeez, this is, this is, this is very delicate and-and i only bring this up amongst friends, you know. i mean. this is, uh. this should not go any further than this room. hannah and i. can't have any children. now i-i-i don't want to get into whose fault it-- it's my fault that we can't and- and-and the details are too embarrassing to-- yeah, i'm not so sure that i, that i like that idea myself, anyway-- right. we felt that if we were gonna do it, that we would like somebody who we knew and who we liked and who was warm and bright and. yeah, but the-the point that, uh, that we're making here is that we need some sperm. yeah, well, i would be the father. you would just have to masturbate into a little cup. so you had my ex-partner's baby. twins. maybe that did cause some trouble, but i think we were drifting apart anyhow. now instead of man and wife we're just good friends. boy, love is really unpredictable. it's over. i'm face-to-face with eternity. not later, but now. i'm so frightened i can't move, speak, or breathe. do you realize what a thread we're all hanging by? can you understand how meaningless everything is? everything! i'm talking about nnnn--our lives, the show. the whole world, it's meaningless. no, i'm not dying now, but, but you know, when i ran out of the hospital, i, i was so thrilled because they told me i was going to be all right. and i'm running down the street, and suddenly i stop, 'cause it hit me, all right, so, you know, i'm not going to go today. i'm okay. i'm not going to go tomorrow. but eventually, i'm going to be in that position. well, i don't realize it now, i know it all the time, but, but i managed to stick it in the back of my mind. because it-it's a very horrible thing to. think about! can i tell you something? can i tell you a secret? a week ago, i bought a rifle. i went into a store, i bought a rifle. i was gonna. you know, if they told me that i had a tumor, i was going to kill myself. the only thing that mighta stopped me, might've, is my parents would be devastated. i would, i woulda had to shoot them, also, first. and then, i have an aunt and uncle, i would have. you know, it would have been a bloodbath. yes, but doesn't that ruin everything for you? that makes everything. you know it, it just takes the pleasure out of everything. i mean, you're gonna die, i'm gonna die, the audience is gonna die, the network's gonna-- the sponsor. everything! yes! i can't stay on this show. i gotta get some answers. otherwise i'm telling you, i'm going to do something drastic. millions of books written on every conceivable subject by all these great minds, and, and in the end, none of 'em knows anything more about the big questions of life than i do. ss--i read socrates. you know, n-n-n--, this guy used to kn-knock off little greek boys. what the hell's he got to teach me? and, and nietzsche with his, with his theory of eternal recurrence. he said that the life we live, we're gonna live over and over again the exact same way for eternity. great. that means i, uh, i'll have to sit through the ice capades again. tch. it's not worth it. and, and freud, another great pessimist. jeez, i was in analysis for years. nothing happened. my poor analyst got so frustrated. the guy finally put in a salad bar. oh! look at all these people jogging. trying to stave off the inevitable decay of the body. boy it's so sad what people go through with their-their stationary bike and their exercise and their. . oh! look at this one! poor thing. my god, she has to tote all that fat around. maybe the poets are right. maybe love is the only answer. shh--of course, i was in love with hannah. that didn't work out too well. i even took her sister out. remember that? remember years ago when hannah and i got divorced and she fixed me up with her sister holly? i can't hear you. i can't hear anything. i'm, i'm, i'm, i'm gonna lose hearing in my ear! i'm-- i, i, my ears are experiencing a meltdown! i can't hear anything. holly, i'm frightened! i'm--after they sing. they're gonna take hostages! now let's-- don't, no, please. will you-- no, don't. i don't. no. no. but, no, you've been doing that all night! you're gonna. you're gonna burn a hole in your. you're gonna develop a third nostril! really, don't, please. can we, can we go? my--uh. not when they're sung by extraterrestrials. i can't understand you. your sisters, both sisters have such good taste in music. i don't know where you went, went wrong. can i take you someplace to hear something nice? now come on, you're be--, 'cause you're being angry at me. well, if you didn't like it, you didn't like it, but you didn't have to talk while the guy was singing. yeah, that's tough! you don't deserve cole porter. you should stay with those groups that look like they're gonna stab their mother! and you don't have to snort cocaine at the table all the time! what do you, what do you do? carry a kilo around in your purse? jesus. i'm glad hannah got us together. you know, she's got a great instinct for people. really. yeah. me, too. right. yeah. i had a. i had a great time tonight, really. it was like the nuremberg trials. yeah, it was quite an evening. holly with her cocaine. she should have been wearing a gold shovel around her neck. tch, she was polymorphously insensitive, i think. too bad, too. 'cause, you know, i always had a little crush on her. well, uh, because, y-you know, i gotta have something to believe in, otherwise life is just meaningless. tch. well, y-you know. first of all, because it's a very beautiful religion. it's very well structured. now i'm talking now, incidentally, about the-the, uh, against-school- prayer, pro-abortion, anti-nuclear wing. no. a-a-and i-i want to. you know, i'm-i'm willing to do anything. i'll, you know, i'll dye easter eggs if it works. i-i need some evidence. i gotta have some proof. uh, you know, i- i-if i can't believe in god then i don't think life is worth living. yes, well, can-can you help me? i don't understand. i thought that you would be happy. well, because i never thought of god in my life. now i'm giving it serious thought. because i got off to a wrong foot with my own thing, you know. b-b- b-but i need a dramatic change in my life. i know it sounds funny, but i'm gonna try. so, just 'cause i was born that way. you know, i'm old enough to make a mature decision. a bud--? that's totally alien to me. look, you're getting on in years, right? aren't you afraid of dying? oh! 'cause you won't exist! that thought doesn't terrify you? i don't understand. aren't you frightened? yeah, i know. but never to exist again! well, it certainly doesn't look promising. mom, come out! but if there's a god, then wh-why is there so much evil in the world? what-- just on a simplistic level. why-why were there nazis? well, i'm not saying that i want to join or anything, but. but i know you guys believe in reincarnation, you know, so it interests me. well, i was born jewish, you know, but, uh, but last winter i tried to become a catholic and. it didn't work for me. i-i studied and i tried and i gave it everything, but, you know, catholicism for me was die now, pay later, you know. and i just couldn't get with it. and i, and i wanted to, you know. well. yeah, naturally. aren't you? i-- l-let me ask you, reincarnation, does that mean my soul would pass to another human being, or would i come back as a moose or an aardvark or something? uh-huh. well, okay. thank you very much. who are you kidding? you're gonna be a krishna? you're gonna shave your head and put on robes and dance around at airports? you'll look like jerry lewis. oh, god, i'm so depressed. mmm, i don't know if you remember me, but we had the worst night of my life together. yes, you do recall, right? i was walking past and i saw you in here. and i thought i'd come in and. and we could replay, uh, the whole, uh. oh, that's putting it mildly. we did everything but exchange gunshots. good. how are you? you look wonderful. yeah, really. you do. you do. it was a terrible evening. remember slamming the cab door in my face and. you know, it came very dangerously close to emasculating my nose in a. in a really horrible way. you look wonderful. you do. what happened to you? well, i hope you've changed. i hope so for your sake, because, uh, your personality left something to be desired. namely a personality. so how are you? you didn't answer my question. what are you doing? well. yeah? is that an embarrassing question? should i have not asked it? are you, are you out of work or something? have you? well, that's interesting. wh-what kind of stuff? no, you can tell me. no, i am. i am. nobody ever said it. this is it. yeah. this is really-- well, yes, i would if, uh, if it would mean anything to you. i don't know why it would. you've always hated my taste in the past. you have. i'm not anymore. i haven't, i haven't been in television for a year. i've done no television whatsoever. no. i may, i may have to get back into it, 'cause my accountant says that i'm running out of dollars. but. but, um, no, i haven't, i just sort of dropped out for a year. which is a long, dull story and i won't get into it. but-- i'm-- yes. yes, i'm fine. i'm fine. how are you? what. what about your script? so what's it about? you have to remember, we-we-we didn't agree on one thing. hmm. yeah. oh, well, god, i can imagine what you wrote. really? well, you know, i-i-i. you know, if you want me to, i'll read it. come over tomorrow and read it to me? you must be joking. i've been doing all my own reading since i was forty. you know. well, what about me? i should have kept going. i-i have a sneaking feeling, a nagging sensation i should've kept walking and. and not begun this conversation. it's great. i swea-- i'm-- i'm, tch, i'm speechless. i was. i was not in the mood to listen to this thing now. i don't know what to say. i'm moved and i laughed and i-- uh, i, you know, i was on the edge of my seat. i just think it's wonderful! i'm, i'm totally. stunned. this is not an insult. i'm amazed that you can. it was-- i just thought it was great. yes! i was abso-- and. w- what. made you think of that climax scene where the, where the. architect is walking home with his actress girlfriend and-and the ex- wife who's schizophrenic jumps out of the bushes and stabs him to death? well, it was just fabulous! i'm, i, you know. i thought it was wonder-- there's maybe one or two things in there that i would do differently myself, but. but who cares? it was just-- it was fabulous. fabulous, i mean it! i'm so impressed. i am. you-you made my day. it was just great. uh, i was all set. i was set to be bored stiff. i-i would love to talk to you about, uh, that script. i-i, you know, i think maybe that we could do something with it. oh, who cares? well. i'll tell you. one day about a month ago. i really hit bottom. you know, i just felt that in a godless universe, i didn't want to go on living. now i happen to own this rifle. which i loaded, believe it or not, and pressed it to my forehead. and i remember thinking, at the time, i'm gonna kill myself. then i thought. what if i'm wrong? what if there is a god? i mean, after all, nobody really knows that. but then i thought, no. you know, maybe is not good enough. i want certainty or nothing. and i remember very clearly the clock was ticking, and i was sitting there frozen, with the gun to my head, debating whether to shoot. all of a sudden, the gun went off. i had been so tense, my finger had squeezed the trigger inadvertently. but i was perspiring so much, the gun had slid off my forehead and missed me. and suddenly, neighbors were, were, pounding on the door, and-and i don't know, the whole scene was just pandemonium. and, uh, you know, and i-i-i-i-i ran to the door. i-i-i-i didn't know what to say. you know, i was, i was embarrassed and confused, and my-my-my mind was r-r-racing a mile a minute. and i-i jus knew one thing. i. i-i-i-i had to get out of that house. i had to just get out in the fresh air and-and clear my head. and i remember very clearly. i walked the streets. i walked and i walked. i-i didn't know what was going through my mind. it all seemed so violent and un-unreal to me. and i wandered. for a long time on the upper west side, you know, an-and it must have been hours! you know, my, my feet hurt. my head was, was pounding, and, and i had to sit down. i went into a movie house. i-i didn't know what was playing or anything. i just, i just needed a moment to gather my thoughts and, and be logical, and, and put the world back into rational perspective. and i went upstairs to the balcony, and i sat down and, you know, the movie was a-a-a film that i'd seen many times in my life since i was a kid, an-and i always u-uh, loved it. and, you know, i'm, i'm watching these people up on the screen, and i started getting hooked o-on the film, you know? and i started to feel how can you even think of killing yourself? i mean, isn't it so stupid? i mean, l-look at all the people up there on the screen. you know, they're real funny, and, and what if the worst is true? what if there's no god, and you only go around once and that's it? well, you know, don't you want to be part of the experience? you know, what the hell, it-i-it's not all a drag. and i'm thinking to myself, geez, i should stop ruining my life. searching for answers i'm never gonna get, and just enjoy it while it lasts. and. you know. after, who knows? i mean, you know, maybe there is something. nobody really knows. i know, i know "maybe" is a very slim reed to hang your whole life on, but that's the best we have. and. then, i started to sit back, and i actually began to enjoy myself. oh, yeah? what? oh, don't be silly! no! don't be ridiculous. i was the, i was. you know, it was my fault. i-- so, so you want to go out to dinner again? i mean, is that, is that. have, you have any interest in that, or. do you? i mean, are you, are you, are you, are you free this evening? now don't get nervous. it's just your husband. hi. how you doin'? when'd you get here? oh. you look so beautiful. you know, i was talking with your father before. and i was telling him that it's ironic. i-i used to always have thanksgiving with hannah. and i never thought that i could love anybody else. and here it is, years later and i'm married to you and completely in love with you. the heart is a very, very resilient little muscle. it really is. i. it'd made a great story, i think. a guy marries one sister. doesn't work out. many years later. he winds up married to the other sister. it's, you know, it's a. i don't know how you're gonna top that. mmm, what?