he's coming back, mom! he's the bravest, most wonderful man who ever lived.
maybe he'll come back tonight! it's his birthday.
stay home tonight!
you're married! you've already got a husband!
he's alive!
if you have to go out with some guy--can't he be more like dad? herb shuttle and norbert woodly-- can't you do better than those two freaks?
a vacuum cleaner salesman and a fairy doctor.
a fairy--a queer. everybody in the building knows he's a queer.
you're the only woman he ever took out.
still lives with his mother.
how did she lose her feet?
i was afraid to ask.
i didn't know that.
j. edgar hoover plays sports.
to only exercise dr. woodly ever gets is playing the violin and making that stupid peace sign. peace. peace. peace, everybody.
it's beautiful.
you're taking mom out tonight?
we don't have a maid any more.
everything stays as it is!
my father!
don't worry about it.
it's fine!
keeps fairies away!
it came yesterday. i haven't opened it yet.
i don't care what she wears.
don't worry about it.
it's my father's birthday--that's all. that's all. who cares about that?
she doesn't care! she's not married any more! she's going to have fun! i hope you have so much fun you can hardly stand it. dr. woodly--i hope you make up even better jokes about my father than the ones you've said so far.
and i wish you'd quit touching me all the time. it drives me nuts!
don't!
explain it to them. i'm bugging out of here.
don't touch me. get out of the way.
anywhere but here. i'd just sit here and cry about the way my father's been forgotten.
everybody talks about how rotten kids act. grownups can be pretty rotten, too.
mom? herb? dr. woodly? hello? a cake? who's wanda june?
anybody home?
sir?
hello.
are you--
are you--do you--
do you know who wanda june is?
do you mind if i ask who you are?
dr. woodly.
is anybody besides you here now?
where's mom?
she went to the fight with herb shuttle, i guess.
i'll see.
i was going to a funny movie, but i changed my mind. if you're depressed, laughing doesn't help much. when did you know my father?
everybody says he was so brave.
he worships father.
he's a vacuum cleaner salesman.
she met him at college.
they were in the same creative writing class.
she has a master's degree in english literature.
he insults him all the time.
what's good about that?
he doesn't do it in front of me, but he does it with mother. you know what he called father one time?
"harold, the patron saint of taxidermy."
nothing. he plays a violin in a doctors' quartet.
he was a stretcher-bearer in the korean war. were you in a war with father?
tell me some true stories about dad.
england?
dad was never in england?
"the sting."
"the sting."
tell me that.
tell me that! tell me that!
wow.
mhravitch.
uck.
i don't know.
go on.
where did you get the poison?
and one of them was the beast of yugoslavia?
mhravitch.
when i grow up, i'm going to go to mhravitch.
sir?
i wanted to go out for football, but mom was afraid i'd get hurt.
dr. woodly says he's seen hundreds of children permanently injured by football. he says that when there's a war, everybody goes but football players.
they're not engaged.
oh no, no, no, no, no. it can't be. how embarrassing.
no, no, no, no, no.
go ahead. no, no, no, no.
thank god!
are you and dr. woodly engaged?
what difference does that make? is dr. woodly going to be my father now?
aaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
i don't want to live any more.
i'll kill myself.
don't touch me.
no.
no.
father's friend.
don't know.
mom?
what?
i don't get it.
sir?
dr. woodly? you know who this is?
he isn't any friend of father.
he is my father.
is looseleaf harper alive?
she's a real heavy sleeper sometimes.
i can't take my eyes off you.
you know what my english literature teacher said about you?
she said you were legendary. i wrote a theme about you, and she said, "your father is a legendary hero out of the golden age of heroes."
tomorrow's saturday. anyway, she's dead.
she was killed in the park two months ago--in the daytime.
she was on her way home from a meeting of the african violet society, and they got her.
yes sir. if you can't wake mom up, i've got double-decker bunks.
mom! mother! mom!
dad's got jungle fever, mom. what'll i do? mom!
mom?
shivers and sweats and groans. his teeth chatter. what'll we do?
he can hardly talk.
really?
yeah.
okay.
dr. woodly?
dr. woodly?
play?
a hundred dollars!
can i get dressed first?
dad--
a hundred dollars for breakfast?
what kind of exercise?
i'm a man.
no.
dad?
it's mom.
i don't care. i don't care if there was love or not. that's all right. i'm going to go to my room and close the door. i don't want to hear any more.
mom?
nothing.
no.
no.
i was cleaning it.
gee whiz, dad--
dad--
i don't want to fight you.
it's your house, dad.
i don't know what i hope. but i don't think you care what i hope, anyway. you don't know me. you don't know her, either. i don't think you know anybody. you talk to everybody just the same.
yeah. but it's going to get loud again.