how do you do. my name is penelope ryan. this is a simple-minded play about men who enjoy killing--and those who don't.
would you like to say something about killing, colonel?
colonel harper, retired now, dropped an atom bomb on nagasaki during the second world war, killing seventy-four thousand people in a flash.
you don't know?
thank you. you can leave now. we'll begin.
this is a tragedy. when it's done, my face will be as white as the snows of kilimanjaro. my husband, who kills so much, has been missing for eight years. he disappeared in a light plane over the amazon rain forest, where he hoped to find diamonds as big as cantaloupes. his pilot was colonel looseleaf harper, who dropped the bomb on nagasaki. i should explain the doorbells in this apartment. they were built by abercrombie and fitch. they are actual recordings of animal cries. the back doorbell is a hyena, which you've just heard. the front doorbell is a lion's roar. would you let them hear it please? thank you.
and this is my son, paul. he was only four years old when his father disappeared.
i told you this was a simple-minded play.
i know.
oh, paul--
he's a ghost!
not even mutual of omaha thinks so anymore.
thank you, kind sir.
a what kind of doctor?
that's an interesting piece of news.
not true.
you know she has no feet! you want him to abandon his mother, who has no husband, who has no money of her own, who has no feet?
in a railroad accident many years ago.
norbert was just beginning practice. a real man would have sold her to a catfood company, i suppose. as far as that goes, j. edgar hoover still lives with his mother.
a lot of people don't.
i don't really know.
i hate that thing.
herb shuttle is taking me to a fight.
we made the date three months ago.
she quit this afternoon.
the animals made her sneeze and cry too much.
they made her so sleepy she couldn't work.
"war is not healthy for children and other living things." how lovely.
please--
i'll get ready, herb. i didn't expect you this soon. please--won't everybody be nice to everybody else while i'm gone?
most men shunned me--even when i nearly swooned for want of love. i might as well have been girdled in a chastity belt. my chastity belt was not made of iron and chains and chickenwire, but of harold's lethal reputation.
doing what?
or was. we haven't done anything wrong, you know.
that's something i suppose.
i'm glad.
i know.
i don't want to go to vanderbilt.
yes?
this conversation took place, incidentally, about three months before harold was declared legally dead.
i'm touched.
i see.
good night.
coming.
gentlemen! is this right for a fight? it's been so long.
seven jaguars' skins, i'm told. harold shot every one. shall we go?
what?
where will you be?
i never knew when to hold it--or who to ask, or what to say.
what then?
it is?
as long as he keeps out of the park.
the only thing i ever told him about life was, "keep out of the park after the sun goes down."
that's the xke.
it's an experimental model. he doesn't dare leave it in his car, for fear it will fall into the hands of competition.
he told me one time what the proudest moment of his life was. he made eagle scout when he was twenty-nine years old. oh, norbert--promise me that paul has not gone into the park!
no! oh no! three people murdered in there in the last six weeks! the police won't even go in there any more.
it's suicide!
meaning?
why would you do that?
i'm amazed.
and maybe paul. what about the murderers? they're in there!
paul's only twelve years old.
we've got to rescue him.
he's not your son.
it's a jungle out there.
he'd go to a movie. i think that's what he'd do. if i were sure he was in a movie, i could stop worrying. we could have him paged.
did you see him?
is he all right?
is he coming home?
the park!
and that's where he is!
you figure!
a what?
how nice.
did you talk to paul?
we've got to find him. i want you to show me exactly where you saw him last. and you stay here, norbert, in case he comes home. that's all he said--the thing about the key?
what was it?
heaven.
can i help you, sir?
eighteen-- and a half.
sir?
yes, sir. it was a very unusual automobile. it was a cadillac, but it had water buffalo horns where the bumpers should be. and what to drink?
i'm sorry, sir, i'm engaged to be married. my boyfriend would be mad if i went out with another man.
i'm engaged.
you don't even know me.
this is crazy.
what do you do for a living?
some kind of animal?
my baby's safe!
what's the matter now?
who have you been talking to?
yes, he is.
possibly.
a week. we were waiting for the right time to--
i'm sorry.
thank you, herb. you're a wonderful man. you really are. everybody respects you for what you've done for scouting and the little league.
i'm saying no--and thank you.
you were wonderful.
it's true.
is norbert still here?
then who flushed the toilet?
what's his name?
for heaven's sakes!
how do you do?
not at all.
our family physician has asked me to marry him. paul needs the guidance and companionship that only a man can give. he isn't at all like harold. but then again, i'm not the woman i was eight years ago.
that man is your father.
there stands the loins from which you've sprung.
it is you, isn't it, harold?
go to him.
give us time.
give us time, harold--to adjust to your being alive.
we adjust to what there is to adjust to. perhaps paul, being young, can adjust to joy or grief immediately. i hope he can. i will take a little longer. i'll be as quick as i can.
i don't know. this is a new disease to me.
situation.
a telegram--a phone call might have helped.
well--enjoy the natural, honest, unrehearsed result--surgical shock.
every fuse in my nervous system has been blown.
who's that? teddy roosevelt?
you know each other?
how neat. how keen.
that's why i'm crying.
eeeeeeeeeeee-yup. dr. woodly--i would like you to meet harold, my husband. harold, this is dr. woodly, my fianc.
good night, dear. good night, dear.
stay or go, talk or sulk, laugh or cry--as you wish. do whatever seems called for. my mind is gone. good night.
there is no one in here of any earthly use to anyone tonight. tomorrow is another day.
what are his symptoms?
what does he say to do?
you'd better get dr. woodly.
it is an emergency, isn't it?
then get him.
we thought a doctor might help.
we thought it was an emergency.
he's a very decent man, harold.
shouldn't you lie down?
paul said you were awfully sick.
you know what i want? i want you both to be friends. i know you both, respect you both. you should be friends.
thank god!
i'm so glad you like each other. i was so scared, so scared.
i believe in miracles now.
harold!
please--
he doesn't deserve this! you don't know him. it isn't fair!
awful. i can't tell you how sorry i am.
do say hello to your mother.
tell her to have a nice trip.
ghastly, cruel, unnecessary.
i did?
a trip, you mean?
he hasn't had breakfast yet.
it's so--so stark.
just--bang--we have a honeymoon.
turn around?
you shouldn't have talked to norbert that way.
i have a brain.
i have some change!
and you went home unannounced, too?
alice got married again.
you didn't even find that out?
she married an accountant named stanley kestenbaum.
dead!
alice is dead?
for what?
who's dead?
what happened?
how horrible.
breakfast?
mrs. wheeler is dead.
that is the most heartless statement i ever heard pass between human lips.
"bring me a side order of mrs. wheeler."
what a honeymoon.
you're wrong.
we're all going to have to go out for breakfast. the cook quit yesterday.
people don't use that word any more.
you leave me so--so without-- without dignity.
they don't have to feel like slaves.
i--i was wondering--is there anything you shouldn't eat--because of jungle fever?
no.
i do not wish to be scrogged--ever. i never heard that word, but when i heard it, i knew it was one thing i never wanted to have happen to me.
this is not a coy deception. i do not want to be scrogged. i want love. i want tenderness.
i will not be scrogged. i remember one time i saw you wrench a hook from the throat of a fish with a pair of pliers, and you promised me that the fish couldn't feel.
i'd like to have the expert opinion of the fish--along with yours.
well, i can. some injuries, spiritual or physical, can be excruciating to me. i'm not a silly carhop any more. maybe you're right about fish. when i was a carhop, i didn't feel much more than a fish would. but i've been sensitized. i have ideas now--and solid information. i know a lot more now--and a lot of it has to do with you.
the whole concept of heroism--and its sexual roots.
it's complicated and i don't want to go into it now, because it's bound to sound insulting--even though nobody means for anybody to be insulted. it's just the truth.
well--part of it is that heroes basically hate home and never stay there very long, and make awful messes while they're there.
and they have very mixed feelings about women. they hate them in a way. one reason they like war so much is that they can capture enemy women and not have to make love to them slowly and gently. they can scrog them, as you say-- for revenge.
i learned a lot of things in college. actually--it was norbert who told me that.
yes.
his most cherished possession? his violin, i guess.
yes.
i don't think so.
what are you going to do?
no you're not!
because if you do--i'll leave you.
i came for my clothes.
i rang. it seemed like the proper door for a servile, worthless organism to use.
i came for paul as well.
you took him to the funeral, i hear.
a dozen?
did you like it, dear?
unless she has nerve.
he knows you shattered his violin.
he cried.
two hundred years old.
he had hoped that someone would be playing it still--two hundred years from now.
you and harold are friends?
you feel i've done a dreadful thing--leaving him?
and you, colonel? let me guess: you don't know.
what will you do, colonel?
almost a christmas scene.
just one favor.
i want you to tell me that you loved me once.
i mean it! i must have that, and so must paul. tell him that he was conceived in love, even though you hate me now. tell both of us that somewhere is our lives was love.
i see.
how unhappy he's going to be--alone in his room.
rifle?
he's in east st. louis with his mother--visiting an aunt.
he's afraid of you, harold. he knew you'd want to fight him. he doesn't know anything about fighting. he hates pain.
it seems highly intelligent to me.
blue soup?
sounds quite beautiful.
like what?
he's a child!
you're begging him to kill you?
that's really what you want. you become furious when people won't make you dead.
so he can kill you. you hate your own life that much. you beg for a hero to kill you.
no you don't.
honor, i suppose.
but it's all balled up in your head with death. the highest honor is death. when you talk of these animals, one by one, you don't just talk of killing them. you honored them with death. harold--it is not honor to be killed.
it's still just death, the absence of life--no honor at all. it's worse than the blue soup by far-- that nothingness. to you, though, it's the honor that crowns them all.
the old heroes are going to have to get used to this, harold--the new heroes who refuse to fight. they're trying to save the planet. there's no time for battle, no point to battle anymore.
no.
i don't know. i hope he never hunts. i hope he never kills another human being.
he's right, harold. to you, we're simply pieces in a game--this one labeled "woman," that one labeled "son." there is no piece labeled "enemy" and you are confused.
get out of here.
you fool, you fool.
i'm going to call the police.
this is suicide. go get the police.
no, we won't. no matter how it begins, it will end in death. because it always does. isn't that always how it ends, harold--in death?
i'm turning off the alarm. i'm turning off everything.
i want you to get out of here, norbert. harold--i want you to sit down in the chair, and not lift a finger until norbert is gone.
i mean it!
where's the bullet?
there it is. give it to me.
how do i load?
all right! am i exceedingly dangerous now?
then listen to me. you're both disgusting--with your pride, your pride. i hate you for coming here--like a federal marshal in a western film. i loved you when you stayed away. but here you are now--high noon in the superbowl! you fool, you fool.
you fake! you're no better than the dumbest general in the pentagon. you're not going to beat harold. you're not going to beat anybody. you're not going to stay here, either--yammering and taunting until you're most gloriously killed. go home!
out!
sit down or i'll shoot!
you've killed women?
norbert--you come, too. let him go, harold. let him go.
do it, norbert.
do it!