but aren't you supposed to.
uh. okay. no problem.  billy drops a big stack of papers on harold's desk.
fuck.
i'm not gonna be able to partake in our usual friday night ritual. i've gotta stay late at the office.
i know, but i gotta get this work done.
listen, i'd love to go home, but.
yes! right in front.  harold carefully lines up his car to parallel park. as he starts to pull in, a yellow jeep steals the spot from behind. the jeep is loaded with "alternative" stickers, and has a kayak, hang-glider, and other sports equipment on the roof. harold almost hits the jeep. he knows this car.
those assholes. the driver, cole , puts down his window.  cole is joined in the jeep with his extreme sports punk friends, who all laugh at harold.
okay, be yourself. don't be nervous.
so maria, what's been going on?
my week was great. work wasn't too bad. i caught up on some sleep. plus, the guy who works next to me decided to bathe for a change.
oh wait, i meant the exact opposite of that. work sucked. i barely slept. and the guy next to me still smells like crap. but a man can dream, right?
so what are you up to tonight?
really?
that sounds awful. harold laughs, as does maria. they smile at each other.
well, if you want some company, maybe you could sit on your ass at my place.
bye.
kumar?
kumar?
kumar, what the hell are you doing!
why aren't you doing this in your room!
i'm gonna puke. get your clothes on.
are those my scissors? oh my god! i trim my nose hair with those!
get the hell out of my room! kumar puts the scissors down and exits the room. harold shakes his head and sets up his laptop on his desk.
other than my roommate's boney ass?
one of the senior analysts asked me to do a bunch of his work for him tonight. kumar walks back into harold's room.
if by "go fuck yourself" you mean "no problem sir" then yes, he got the message loud and clear. kumar shakes his head in disgust.
no. i got a lot of work to finish. kumar shuts harold's laptop.
one joint.
don't you think you should take at least one of your interviews seriously? at some point your dad's gonna get really pissed.
well, then what are you going to do?
sounds like a plan.
nice. sixteen candles is on.
oh come on. it's a john hughes movie! it's a classic! it's a beautiful story about someone who feels unnoticed, unappreciated, unloved.
we're so high right now.
i don't know about you, but i'm hungry as balls.
what about kfc?
you're sure you know how to get there? i haven't been to white castle in ages.
is that all you jews ever think about? tits?
you're driving. i'm gonna try to get some of my work done in the car. kumar then checks his pockets and comes up empty.
why don't you just run back and get it?
i'm not worthwhile.
it doesn't matter. the only girls interested in me are girls i have no interest in. like cindy kim.
god, she invites me to everything.
why do i have to be the catcher?
don't even start.
of course he's gay! you remember in the first star wars when he was like.  "thank the maker! this oil bath is going to feel soooo good!" kumar laughs.
i don't have anymore change.
no. i don't like breaking the law. harold licks the joint as he puts the finishing touches on.
just hold on. i'll walk over to one of the manned booths and tell them what happened. the honking continues as harold starts to open the door.
are you crazy?
oh shit, we're dead! harold throws the joint out the window.
you just tore out of there! the cops are gonna catch us!
take this exit!
look, i get a little paranoid sometimes.
maybe it's not as bad as they say. it's probably just a bunch of hype. they look out the window and see another asian and indian guy walking down the street. suddenly, three hoods jump out from an alley and start beating the living shit out of daniel and shankar. kumar gives harold a dirty look.
let's get the hell out of here. kumar continues driving. he makes a turn. all of a sudden, he stops short, causing he and harold to jerk forward quickly.
what the.
dude, we are not driving through that basketball game!
forget about it. no way.
turn the car around.
for some reason, i don't think this is the same thing.
don't! the basketball players slowly begin moving aside.
shit, he's gonna throw the ball at us.
look at him! the hugest angriest black man has an especially angry face.
that was close, dude.
yes! thank god! i'm starving!
oh man, i'm so hungry. i'm gonna eat like twenty of those burgers.
god, where the hell is this place?
there's the multiplex!
what the hell's going on, kumar?! that doesn't look like a white castle to me!
are you sure?
i don't know. should we just eat here?
kumar, i have a shitload of work to finish. and you have that med school interview in the morning.
let's do it.
agreed.
why?
oh no. i'm not seeing cindy.
she calls me. then she rambles on about her east asian students club or whatever.
you know, yellow on the outside, white on the inside.
well, i can't help you out there. cindy doesn't smoke. she's not gonna help us.
no, forget it. i'm not seeing cindy kim.
yeah. me too.
uh, yeah. they were. nice. suddenly, one of the nerdy asian students raises his hand. harold looks at him strangely, and then over to cindy. "does this guy think i'm a teacher or something?" harold sits there and stares at kenneth for a while.
uh, yes?
yeah, i'm a junior analyst.
yes?
what it's like being an investment banker? well kenneth, to be honest, it's pretty.  harold looks into the eyes of the young, eager, asian students. he can't bear to tell them the truth.
awesome? all the asian students start high-fiving with each other.
as for the recommendation, i may be able to make a call or two.  cindy looks at her watch.
sorry, cindy. i can't go. i have to wait for kumar.
nice. cindy grabs harold's hand and drags him away.
let's go to the party for a little while.
look, what do you want me to say? i was under pressure.
shit! what if he finds us?
ew. gross. clarissa runs into stall number one and shuts the door. the sound of the door shutting causes harold and kumar to look over at that stall.
shit!
i can't take this! with that, harold runs out of the stall and exits the bathroom. the girls look shocked.
oh, come on, you always exaggerate. we weren't gonna get laid.
i know cindy's cute, it's just.
look, it doesn't matter. i'm gonna end up with cindy anyway. it's just more practical. now can we drop this and get our asses to white castle?
now what are you doing?
do you even know where you're going?
we better. it starts to rain.
shit, now it's raining.
look, i'm completely on edge right now, okay? after all the shit we've been through tonight, i don't know how much more of this i can take.
ahhhhh!!! fuck!!!! kumar turns and sees the raccoon on harold.
shit! it bit my neck! i probably have rabies now or something!
oh, that's not good!
uh-oh. kumar rolls down his window. the driver peers inside.
we haven't gotten there yet. i think i got rabies, though.
will you stop it? i'm feeling very woozy. i may have to go to the hospital.
i don't have rabies. kumar stands up quickly.
oh, now i see why you didn't want to come to the hospital. kumar gives harold an annoyed look as his dad approaches.
wow. so i guess you're going to med school after all, huh?
but. you just hugged him.
if we get caught, you're taking the blame. this wasn't my idea.
what the hell's going on here?
oh shit! this guy's gonna die!!!
wait. hold on. you see you got this all wrong. we're not doc.  kumar interrupts before harold can tell her the truth.
i'm telling you. that was amazing! even your dad would've been impressed!
this is perfect! we're back on the road. we have directions now. the rain let up. and guess what.
i'm officially done with my work. i'm telling you, things are finally starting to go our way. while they're stopped at a red light, kumar takes in his surroundings and notices something.
holy shit.
no way. forget about it. just drive. kumar puts his hands on harold's shoulders to get his undivided attention.
stop it.
let's just go! kumar presses a button causing harold's window to go down.
what are you doing?!
you asshole! my car's probably all scratched up now!
i told you i didn't want to speak to her! whatever. let's jut get back on the highway.
godammit. you know how to change a flat?
where's my spare tire?
shit, where the hell is it? kumar suddenly remembers.
what bridge? what the hell are you talking about?
your bad? what are the hell are we gonna do now?! suddenly, they see an old pick-up truck driving in their direction. harold and kumar wave it down. the truck stops in front of them. the door opens and a shadowy figure begins walking towards them. harold and kumar are nervous. as soon as the figure reaches them, lightening strikes.
thanks for helping us out.
so where exactly are we going?
will you shut up? he's right next to me! he can hear you! kumar sees that a white puss is now oozing from the boil.
what's the matter with you? you think that just because you're whispering, he can't hear what you're saying? he's two feet away from us. he can hear this entire conversation. he can hear me talking right now.
he couldn't have said that.
who cares? you've seen freak show. what do you think his wife is gonna look like?
okay. it's official. we've entered the twilight zone.
she's not ugly. liane comes in with the pitcher of lemonade. she pours them drinks and hands them the glasses.
can i ask-- how does a guy. like freak show. end up with a woman like yourself?
wait a second-- what about freak show. and this whole christian thing you guys have going on?
no, i just.  liane starts playing with the knot in her shirt. harold and kumar stare unabashedly. harold looks outside the window, where he sees freak show changing the tire, apparently busy.
nevermind. okay, rock, paper, scissors.
huh?
sorry, no thank you.
forget it! i don't want our balls rubbing against each other. no way! kumar turns to liane in desperation.
okay, let's do that. liane takes harold's hands and places them on her breasts. kumar looks on enviously. liane moans in pleasure as harold starts to massage her chest. at that moment, freak show enters the room, holding a particularly threatening tire-iron.
uhh. you said outside that we can have sex with her! freak show runs over to harold and grabs him by the collar!
agreed.
and get chopped to bits? are you crazy? kumar pulls over to the side of the road.
fuck that! it's my car! we're not picking up a hitchhiker! the back door opens and neil , gets into the car.
uh. excuse me, but. are you neil patrick harris?
hey, you don't know how to get back on the highway, do you?
huh?
we'll be right back, neil. neil shakes his head, disappointed. harold and kumar start walking over to the convenience store.
what's the deal with neil patrick harris? why's he so horny?
oh shit. these idiots. cole and the two punks push past harold and kumar and walk into the store. harold and kumar enter after them.
excuse me-- can you tell us how to get onto the highway from here? the indian cashier shrugs his shoulders.
huh? oh, good.
somebody should do something.
i didn't mean you should do something. cole slowly walks over to kumar. the two stand face to face. cole looks pissed, but kumar keeps his confident exterior. it's a tense moment. suddenly, cole makes a quick motion as if he was going to hit kumar, trying to get him to flinch. kumar stands his ground without flinching, still looking cole in the eye. the punks don't know what to think as their leader is shown up. seemingly impressed by kumar, cole begins to turn around as if he's going to walk away, but he quickly doubles back, doing the same fake punch he did before. caught off guard, this time kumar flinches like a nervous weakling.
kumar-- you okay?
did doogie howser just steal my fucking car?
fuck!!!!!! you! you had to pick up a hitchhiker!
why the hell did you leave the keys in the car?!
this is all your fault! this whole fucking night! you know i leased that car! they're gonna make me pay for it! harold starts to walk back to the convenience store.
i'm going to call the police! i don't want to talk to you anymore! harold is about to walk in, when he sees cole wind up and throw a hostess-like snowball right in the cashier's face. "extremes" all around!
i'm not speaking to you. harold waits for the "don't walk" sign to change. it doesn't. he starts pressing the "walk" button repeatedly.
thank you, mr. wizard. harold waits for a few seconds, but when the light doesn't change, he begins pressing the button again.
jesus christ! when are they gonna fucking develop button technology that'll understand urgency? the "don't walk" sign still won't change. kumar looks to the left and then to the right. the street is completely empty and there is no place for a police car to hide.
it'll change in a second. they stand there for another ten seconds. it doesn't change.
alright fine. you want me to cross? i'll cross. just leave me alone! harold starts walking angrily across the street.
shit! harold walks back over to kumar, clearly upset within him, as officer palumbo gets out of the car and walks over to them.
good evening. is there a problem, officer. palumbo?
yes. yes i have. i'm so sorry. i promise i'll never do it again.
let me apologize for my friend. i promise i will pay the fine. but actually, i'm glad you're here. you know the tv show doogie howser, m.d? you see, doogie howser just stole my car and.
kumar, shut up.
harold. harold is starting to pacify palumbo.
thank you. officer palumbo hands harold his ticket and begins to walk away.
kumar, i swear to god, if you don't.
oh shit.
hey, are you gonna do something about my car? hello? palumbo is in the main office area, dealing with hippie asshole and his mom. the mom hands officer palumbo a check.
can i at least give you my car's licence plate number? ignoring harold, palumbo turns up the volume on his radio.
so what are you in here for?
come on. seriously. tarik sits up. he looks at officer palumbo who, with his walkman on, is oblivious to their conversation.
holy shit. what did you do?
that fucking blows! tarik nods and continues reading his book. harold sees that tarik is remarkably relaxed.
i don't understand how you're able to be so calm about all this.
assaulting an officer.
no. i actually did hit the cop. but only because i was trying to hit my friend. well, ex-friend.
that was strange. suddenly, a loud banging sound is made from a ventilation shaft on the ceiling, above one of the officer's desks.
what the hell was that?
kumar?! what the fuck are you doing?!
no, they.  wait a second, did you.
jesus christ! what did you do that for?!
forget it! i don't want to get in any more trouble! i'm already in here because of you!
well, i never got your car stolen!
hey asshole, i'm in jail! don't bitch to me about your problems! just leave me alone. i don't want your help.
how the hell should i know?
jesus christ. tarik shakes his head.
and become a fugitive? are you nuts? the guy has all my information. harold points to palumbo's desk, which has the police report, harold's i.d., and his laptop.
fine. hurry up. kumar smiles. he begins searching for a key.
kumar, hurry the fuck up! kumar runs over to the cell door. he tries out a couple keys, when he suddenly smells something.
kumar?. kumar! kumar can't hear harold. he's in a trance. we begin to hear a romantic song as kumar stares lovingly at the bag of weed.
what the hell are you.  suddenly, all six police officer come back into the room, pushing a black man wearing pajamas . nathaniel seems very gentle. he's even wearing a turtleneck sweater.
wait-- shouldn't we do something about this?
jesus christ! that place was a fucking mad house! thanks for getting me out of there, dude.
what was that?
aren't people supposed to be scared of coyotes?
we're gonna die.
we're gonna die.
this isn't working.
he likes me. suddenly, kumar's eyes light up.
what is it?
has it come to this? are we really gonna ride this cheetah?
this is either a really smart move, or by far the stupidest thing we've ever done. harold puts his arms around kumar to hold on. kumar puts the bag of weed under his shirt.
dude, am i just really high or is this is actually working?!
this is great! we'll be at white castle in no.
i love you, maria. maria gets up and runs away. harold playfully chases her. maria runs over to a french fry tree. she plucks a couple
what the hell are you doing?!!!
what happened to the cheetah?
tell me the worse news first.
that sucks. what's the bad news?
what????????
why the hell didn't you say that that was the "worse news"?
oh no! no! no!
it's not that! all my work was saved in there! now i gotta go back to the office and re-do everything!
forget white castle. there's no time!
look! through the window, we see rosenberg and goldstein inside, sitting at a booth. they both have a dozen donuts and five cartons of milk. it looks like they just sat down.  goldstein savors his first bite of his powdered blueberry filled donut and rosenberg licks his fingers after his first bite of his chocolate cream filled donut. harold and kumar watch through the window longingly.
i want that.
no. i want that feeling. the feeling that comes over a man when he finally gets exactly what he desires. i need that feeling.
we gotta go to white castle. kumar gives harold a hug.
hey, why don't you just leave us alone?
nothing. harold turns around and starts walking towards the krispee kreme entrance. kumar follows. in the background cole and the punks are laughing about what a "pussy" harold is.
don't worry. the universe tends to unfold as it should. kumar gives a "what the fuck is he talking about?" look.
besides, i have a plan. follow my lead.
i'm stealing their car.
it's working isn't it?
i had to do something. kumar begins sniffing something in the air.
this world is so unfair.
no. i've got everything under control. we should be able to get there with enough time for me to get my work done after our feast. just find us some tunes. a tape is resting in the tape deck. kumar pushes it in.  harold and kumar look at each other amazed that cole has some lame chick song on his tape.
i'm not going back to jail! we've come too far! now buckle up.
just hold on!
don't worry. we're gonna make it. everything's gonna be.
oh shit! we're trapped! kumar notices something.
no. no way. not a chance. i'd rather turn myself in than die.
you hang-glided? i don't remember that.
no, kumar. i'm not risking my life over a bunch of hamburgers. kumar walks over to harold and stares him in the eye.
i hate you, kumar.
hurry up. they're almost here!
i think so.
what???
oh my god! oh my god! oh my god!
i can't believe you lied to me!
dude, we're so high right now.
hey, kumar?
how are we gonna get down?
that's a great answer. made me feel really comfortable. thanks a lot. kumar looks down as they fly over a playground.
is it a problem if we fly into birds?
because we're about to! kumar looks up and sees at least a hundred crows flying
ahhhh! my eyes! don't peck out my eyes!
i hate you! i hate you so much!
that's it. i'm gonna kill you.
that's the point!
you're gonna die!
i want thirty slyders. i want five french fries. i want four large cherry cokes.
hey. hey. hey. where's my money?!
where's my fucking car you prick!
thanks, i guess. neil hands them some cash.
what happened to the car?
where are you going?
i know. i can't believe we made it. and we got the car back! if we can just get out of here in a half hour, i can get back to my office and get the work done.
hey, good for those black guys!
oh. that hit the spot.
mine too. the two of them sit there, looking at all the empty containers and wrappers. after a long pause of silence, kumar speaks.
seriously?
uh-huh.
i'll be right back.  at that moment, billy and j.d. walk in the restaurant with their women, zoe and tracy, respectively. tracy looks like some bimbo slut that j.d. picked up at a strip club. zoe, on the other hand, has a sweet renee zellweger quality about her. she and billy are the perfect hollywood couple.
what the fuck is going on here? billy turns around and sees harold.
never mind me. what are you doing here? i thought you and j.d. were busy all night with "clients." isn't that why i had to do your work?
back off, cock boy! what i have to say to him goes double for you! kumar sees what's going on-- he can't believe it.
yeah, you know i did. you're just stalling because you're not quick enough to think of a comeback.
tell him what? that i'm your work horse! that you guys think you can just party all weekend and leave all your work to the quiet asian guy in your office! huh? j.d. is stunned. now he's a little nervous.
no, you don't understand. i'm not doing your work anymore.
and i'll tell everyone in the office how you both caught gonorrhea from that whore. traci and zoe hear this and are freaked out. they slowly back away from billy and j.d.
now, if you'll excuse me, i have to get going. see you on monday. harold leaves the restaurant. kumar follows. billy and j.d. are left embarrassed and in shock.
i don't know. eating those delicious burgers made me feel like a new man. now i'm actually looking forward to work this week.
i'm not worthless.
beats me. now, come on, let's get going.
i have some unfinished business to take care of. they both get into the car . the car zooms out.
oh. uh. nothing. wrong room.
look, i really don't need to hear it. i guess i just made a mistake. sorry for interrupting you guys.  harold starts to walk away, almost crying. sad, depressing music begins to play. kumar feels sorry for his friend. just then, luis leans his head out the door.
huh?
oh! maria's brother!
actually, i'm kor. wait a second-- she talks about me? a hot black chick , wearing only a bra and g-string, walks over to luis and wraps her arms around him.
uh, no thanks. i'd rather do it in person.
huh? where?
what are you talking about? are you out of your mind? what about your interview with the med school guy?
she's coming back in ten days! it's not like i'm never gonna see her again.
forget it. i'll just wait till she comes back. harold starts to walk away from kumar.