it can't be harry potter? the crowd whispers excitedly as lockhart dives forward, seizes harry's hand and turns him toward the photographer.
nice big smile, harry. together, you and i rate the front page. ladies and gentlemen! what an extraordinary moment this is! when young harry here stepped into flourish and blotts this morning to purchase my autobiography, magical me -- which, incidentally is celebrating its twenty-seventh week atop the daily prophet's bestseller list -- he had no idea that he would, in fact, be leaving with my entire collected works! free of charge!
let me introduce you to your new defense against the dark arts teacher. me. gilderoy lockhart, order of merlin, third class, honorary member of the dark force defense league and five times winner of witch weekly's most- charming-smile award -- but i don't talk about that. i didn't get rid of the bandon banshee by smiling at her! lockhart awaits laughter. a few students smile weakly.
i see you've all bought a complete set of my books. well done. i thought we'd start today with a little quiz. nothing to worry about. just to check how well you've read them, how much you've taken in.  lockhart begins to circulate papers. harry and ron examine the questions. ron whispers to harry.
you have thirty minutes. start -- now! as quills begin to dart across pages, we --
tut, tut. hardly any of you remembered my favorite color is lilac. but miss hermione granger knew that my secret ambition is to rid the world of evil and market my own range of hair care potions. good girl. hermione beams. lockhart's expression suddenly darkens.
now.  be warned! it is my job to arm you against the foulest creatures known to wizardkind! you may find yourself facing your own worst fears in this room. know only that no harm can befall you whilst i am here.  with a showman's flair, lockhart turns slowly to the cage.
i must ask you not to scream. it might provoke them. a pale neville draws back. harry and ron lean forward. lockhart lets the tension build, then whips off the cover. inside the cage are several electric blue creatures. eight inches tall, with pointed faces and wings, they rattle the bars and pull bizarre faces at the students.
freshly caught cornish pixies. unable to control himself, seamus snorts with laughter.
laugh if you will, mr. finnegan, but pixies can be devilishly tricky little blighters. let's see what you make of them now! lockhart flings open the cage. instantly, the pixies rocket about, spraying the students with ink bottles, breaking beakers and shredding books. two seize neville by the ears, lift him into the air, and begin to circle the ceiling.
come on now, round them up, round them up. they're only pixies. peskipiski pesternomi! the spell has absolutely no effect. a particularly obnoxious pixie makes a face, seizes lockhart's wand and tosses it out the window. lockhart joins the stampede to the door.
i'll ask you three to just nip the rest of them back into their cage. slamming the door, he's gone. harry, ron and hermione stand blinking. ron swats a pixie gnawing his ear.
harry, harry, harry.  can you possibly imagine a better way to serve detention than by helping me answer my fan mail? harry forces a smile.
fame's a fickle friend, harry. celebrity is as celebrity does. remember that. harry nods, glancing gloomily at the towering stack of envelopes that remain. dipping his quill, he starts to write, when.  a chilly voice fills the room.
i was saying, six solid months at the top of the bestseller list! broke all records!
voice?
what are you talking about, harry? i think we're getting a bit drowsy. great scott -- and no wonder -- look at the time! we've been here nearly four hours! dinner's nearly done! if you hurry you might make pudding. spooky how the time flies when one's having fun!
it was definitely a curse that killed her -- probably the transmogrifian torture. encountered it myself once, in ouagadougou. the full story's in my autobiography.
precisely! so unlucky i wasn't there. i know the very countercurse that could have spared her.
i'm afraid that's my doing, severus. you see, harry was helping me answer my fan mail.  as snape's lip curls in disgust, hermione leaps in.
not to worry, harry. i'll fix that arm of yours straight away.
poor boy doesn't know what he's saying. this won't hurt a bit.
ah. yes. well, that can sometimes happen. the point is, the bones are no longer broken.
gather round! gather round! can everyone see me? can you all hear me? excellent. in light of the dark events of recent weeks, professor dumbledore has granted me permission to start this little dueling club, to train you all up in case you ever need to defend yourselves as i myself have done on countless occasions -- for full details, see my published works. the boy next to harry, justin-finch fletchley, turns to him.
let me introduce my assistant professor snape. he has sportingly agreed to help me with a short demonstration. now i don't want any of you youngsters to worry. you'll still have your potions master when i'm through with him, never fear!
as you can see, we are holding our wands in the accepted combative position. on the count of three, we will cast our first spells. neither of us will be aiming to kill, of course.
one-two-three --
well, there you have it. that was a disarming charm. as you see, i've lost my wand.
ah, thank you, miss granger. yes, an excellent idea to show them that, professor snape, but if you don't mind my saying so, it was very obvious what you were about to do. if i had wanted to stop you it would have been only too easy.
an excellent suggestion, professor snape. let's have a volunteer pair. potter, weasley, how about you?
wands at the ready! when i count to three, cast your charms to disarm your opponent -- only to disarm. we don't want any accidents. one, two -- malfoy fires early, knocking harry off his feet with a blast of white light. he jumps up, points his wand.
i said disarm only!
allow me! lockhart flicks his wand. bang! the snake flies into the air, hisses in rage, and slithers straight towards justin finch-fletchley. as students scream, harry -- oddly calm -- approaches the snake. it rises, fangs exposed, poised to strike justin.
so sorry. dozed off. what have i missed?
my m-moment?
d-did i? i don't recall.  professor mcgonagall that settles it. we'll leave it to you to deal with the monster, gilderoy. your skills, after all, are legend.
v-very well. i'll -- i'll be in my office, getting -- getting ready.
um, well, yes. urgent call. unavoidable. got to go.
well, as to that -- most unfortunate. no one regrets more than i --
i must say, when i took the job, nothing in the job description --
books can be misleading.
my dear boy, do use your common sense. my books wouldn't have sold half as well if people didn't think i'd done all those things. no one wants to read about some ugly old armenian warlock, even if he did save a village from werewolves. he'd look dreadful on the front cover. no dress sense at all.
harry, harry, harry. there was work involved. i had to track these people down and ask them exactly how they managed to do what they did. no, it's not all book signings and publicity photos. you want fame, you have to be prepared for a long, hard slog.
yes, now that you mention it. i'm rather gifted with memory charms. otherwise, you see, all those wizards would've gone blabbing and i'd never have sold another book. i'm afraid i'll have to do the same to you both, lest you do the same. lockhart lifts his wand, but harry is quicker.
excellent, harry. good work. well then. i'll just be going. there's no need for me.
now, boys. what good will it do?
it's really quite filthy down here.
that looks like a.  snake. terrified, lockhart quickly hides his eyes.
the adventure ends here, boys! but don't fret. the world will know our story. how i was too late to save the girl. how you two tragically lost your minds at the sight of her mangled body. i'll even bind a limited edition in this snake skin. say goodbye to your memories. obliviate! ron's wand explodes like a small bomb, blasting lockhart off his feet and spitting great jets of fire into the rock above. as rubble rains, ron leaps one way and harry the other. harry sits up, squints through the settling dust. a solid wall of broken rock seals the tunnel between him and ron. intercut harry and ron.
hello. odd sort of place, this, isn't it? do you live here?
amazing! this is just like magic!