heather told me she teaches people real life.
she said real life sucks losers dry. if you want to fuck with the eagles, you have to learn to fly.
i said so you teach people how to spread their wings and fly. she said yes.
i said you're beautiful.
what's your damage, heather? you ruined my.
okay, i'm going, i'm going. jesus.
hello, heather.
shit, heather. i don't have anything against martha dunnstock.
i'll think about it.
oh sure, pilgrims, indians, tater tots; it's a real party continent.
ouch. the lunchtime poll. so what's the question?
hey, this question wouldn't be that bizarro thing you were babbling about over the phone last.
betty finn. gosh.
i'm really sorry i couldn't make it to your birthday party last month.
don't say that.
i was talking with someone!
wake up. in two days, earth's going up like a roman candle. crab nebula city.
you're beautiful.
i'm sorry, it's just why can't we talk to different kinds of people?
doesn't it bother you that everyone in the school thinks you're a pirahna?
pretend you're a missionary saving a colony of cootie victims.
what about you rodney?
if you're going to openly be a bitch.
damn.
you heather. deep down all teenagers are the same. didn't you see the breakfast club?
don't tell me. crest would be stained with loserness.
i'm sorry? what are you oozing about?
we made a girl want to consider suicide. what a scream. what a jest.
a true friend's work is never done.
maybe you should see a doctor.
geez, don't listen to them.
well, you better move holden out of the way or he's going to get spewed.
give me the clipboard.
hello jason dean.
no, a veronica. sawyer. this may seem like a stupid question.
if you inherit five million dollars the same day aliens tell the earth they're blowing us up in two days, what would you do?
how very.
no way. he used blanks. all j.d. really did was ruin two pairs of pants. maybe not even that.  can you bleach out urine stains?
never say never.
give it up girl!
crap. so who's this brad guy i've been set up with? witty and urbane pre-lawyer or albino accountant?
all right.
i don't know, it was okay, i guess.
i guess.
maybe. there's kind of a dark horse now in the running.
because you're an idiot.
great pate, but i'm going to have to motor if i want to be ready for the party tonight.
no, but if you're nice i'll let you buy me a slurpee. you know your 7-11speak pretty well.
really? that thing in the caf today was pretty severe.
i didn't. cherry.
great bike.
i don't know. should you?
time out. jason dean. your pop's fred dean construction. must be rough. moving place to place.
sure, i'm on my way to a party at remington university.
it's not perfect. i don't really like my friends.
it's like they're just people i work with and our job is being popular and shit.
dear diary, i want to kill and you have to believe. damn pen!
you have to believe it's for more than selfish reasons. more than a spoke in my menstrual cycle. you have to believe me.
no, not at all.
gee, thanks.
ever since phil collins did that mtv anti-drug commercial i refuse everything.
jeez, right, then why don't i do drugs?
seventeen is the last year mom buys the twinkies. when you make the jump from working weekends at pizza hut to thirty years at i.b.m., you lose something. not innocence--power.
j.f.k.!
christ, i can't explain it, but i'm allowed an understanding that my parents and these remington university assholes have chosen to ignore. i understand i must stop heather.
hey really, i don't feel so great.
i have a little prepared speech i give when my suitor wants more than i'd like to give him.  gee blank, i had a nice.
you don't deserve my fucking speech!
heather, i feel awful, like i'm going to throw up. can we jam, please?
betty finn was a true friend and i sold her out for a bunch of swatchdogs and diet cokeheads. killing heather'd be like offing the wicked witch of the west. or is it east? west! i sound like a psycho. tomorrow i'll be kissing her aerobicized ass but tonight let me dream of a world without heather. a world where i am free.
you goddamn bitch!
lick it up, baby. lick. it. up.
s'okay.
sure. but i'm blue.
i've always treated heather's teen queen power plays as bullshit.
but i'm really scared. who am i going to eat lunch with on monday? i sound like an afterschool special.
you're welcome. it's a lot more interesting than just flinging off your clothes and boning away on the neighbor's swing set.
what a night.
what a life. i almost moved into high school out of sixth grade because i was some genius. we all decided to chuck the idea because i'd have trouble making friends, blah-blah-blah.
now blah-blah-blah is all i do. i use my grand i.q. to figure out what gloss to wear and how to hit three keggers before curfew. some genius.
killing her won't solve anything.
well then, i'll pray for rain.
hey, it was good for me too, sparky.
there's a big difference between the most popular girl in the school and dead sperm.
i know exactly what the hell you're talking about and you're right, you don't know what the hell you're talking about. let's just grow up, be adults, and die.
but before that, i'd like to see heather chandler puke her guts out.
trust me. she skips the saturday morning trip to grandma's even when she's not hungover.
what about orange juice and milk? what's the upchuck factor on that?
don't be a dick. that stuff'll kill her.
o-kay. we'll cook up some soup and put it in a coke. sick, eh? now should it be chicken-noodle or bean-with-bacon?
what are you doing? you just can't go. besides, she'd never drink anything that looks like that.
just give me a cup, jerk.
milk and orange juice. hmmmm. maybe we could cough a phlegm globber in it or something.
no luck? well, milk and orange juice'll do quite nicely. quite nicely.
you're not funny.
bonehead.
morning, heather.
we both said a lot of things we didn't mean, last night.
no shit, sherlock. i can't believe it. i just killed my best friend.
same difference. oh jesus, i'm gonna.
stop kidding around. i'm going to have to send my s.a.t. scores to san quentin instead of stanford.
it's one thing to want somebody out of your life. it's another thing to serve them a wake-up cup of drano.
like a suicide thing?
i can do heather's handwriting as well as my own.
"you might think what i've done is shocking"
that's good, but heather would never use the word "myriad."
she missed "myriad" on a vocab test two weeks ago, all right?
you're probably right"people think just because you're beautiful and popular, life is easy and fun. nobody understood i had feelings too."
that's good. have you done this before?
heather was cool, but cruel. the good looks and bad manners gave her power, but it could not give her happiness.
she realized the only way she could be happy was to give up her power and the only way she could do that was death.
watch it, heather. you could actually be digesting food.
uh-huh.
you're an asshole! mute him!
next channel, darling.
heather, how many networks did you run to!
oh, i have to hear this.
what are you talking about? she hated you! you hated her! what are you smiling at?
yeah. scary stuff.
hello.
my mom's making my favorite meal tonight. spaghetti. lots of oregano.
right.
all right.
i don't know, it was okay, i guess.
maybe.
because you're an idiot.
greate pate, but i'm going to have to motor if i want to be ready for the funeral tomorrow.
hi. i'm sorry. technically i didn't kill heather chandler but hey, who am i trying to kid, right? i just want my high school to be a nice place. amen. did that sound bitchy?
mourning. maybe watch some t.v. why?
heather, i've got something going with j.d.
all right, but i hope it isn't going to be one of those nights where they get shitfaced and take us to a pasture to tip cows.
yeah, right, asshole.
i'm doing a favor for heather. a double date. i tried to tell you at the funeral but you rode off.
so what? don't smile like that, jesus!
hi guys. i came to check on this week's lunchtime poll topic.
oh. sure.
the what?
i don't know. this thing leaves a bad taste in my mouth.
i'm sorry? i don't get it.
yeah. and? i left him drunk and flailing in cowshit.
don't shut up. i'd like to know just what i did.
pardon the pun. son-of-a-bitch.
thanks pete, for the famine fund.
hi, kurt? this is veronica sawyer. i didn't expect to be calling either. i guess my emotions took over. i was wondering if you wanted all those things you've been saying to really happen. it's always been a fantasy of mine to have two guys at once.  sure, you can write penthouse forum.
that's right, tonight. in the woods behind the school. don't forget ram.
i don't get the point of me writing a suicide note when we'll just be shooting them with blanks.
you can't be serious? hey listen, my bonnie-and-clyde days are over.
french.
so it looks like the person's been shot and killed when they're really just unconscious and bleeding.
first tell me this similarity is not incredible.
ram and i died the day we realized we could never reveal our forbidden love to an uncaring and ununderstanding world. the joy we shared in each other's arms was greater than any touchdown. yet we were forced to live the lie of sexist- beer guzzling-jock-asshole.
we don't want to make them out to be too secretly eloquent. why would the germans invent a bullet that doesn't kill people? i mean it was world war two, not a school play.
neat. let's try it out on j.f.k.
oh.
you must have had fun.
oh come on. lots of people drink perrier. it's come a long way.
oh, you're so smart. how about a little heterosexuality before we go?
hi guys. glad you could make it.
i've made a circle on each end of the clearing. ram, you come over here.
when you get in the circle, strip.
i was hoping you'd rip my clothes off me, sport.
count of three, guys.
one.
two.
shucks.
yeah, but don't worry, it was worth it just to see the look on.
kurt doesn't look too good.
we killed them, didn't we?
ich luge bullets! i'm an idiot!
i did not want them dead.
did not.
did not.
sure. can we make an ice run before the funeral?
your son's dead and you love him.
superb.
that's three things.
no, it's okay j.d., i just kind of wanted to talk. oh, a newsmagazine show on channel 16. really? on the suicides. no, sounds great. bye.
dear diary, my teen angst bullshit has a body count.
the most popular people in the school are dead. everybody's sad, but it's a good kind of sad. suicide gave heather depth, kurt a soul, ram a brain. i gave j.d. shit about the ich luge thing but what really frightens me is that i'm not frightened by what j.d.'ll do next. it's god versus my boyfriend and god's losing.
can't you see this is a special moment?
yes. yes. we'll work something out. i swear to god. won't we j.d.?. j.d.?
you shoulda stuck around, jerk. ms. fleming wants to redefine the high school experience.
don't even talk about that stuff!
you can be so immature!
oh beautiful. the beaver's home.
do you like your father?
let's just. settle down. ms. fleming has given us a chance to atone for.
maybe.
we're breaking up. i am out!
you're getting too cool for me, j.d. i don't know how to talk to you.
i'm going to make this ms. pauline thing work. lines of communication between the cliques. you were a phase.
something like that. will you do it?
i just want to show different kinds of people can get together and it doesn't have to be vietnam. you don't get treated badly here do you?
things are going to change, earl.
heather.
ouch. your machine's got the most obnoxious beep. heather, i'm sorry.
is this david? heather's david? what are you doing.
i'm delirious for the both of you. can you put heather on?
hello, betty.
don't get cocky, girl.
that's bullshit. just shoot.
shoot.
betty, your daydreams are a lot better than my realities, believe me. i'm afraid though it's time to get your butt kicked.
it's not my style, okay?
sure. see ya.
so did you call people to tell them how to get to the studio tonight?
you're so polluted. talking down to people, making fake notes.
no, you're wrong. it's not even your turn.
ich luge bullets. i'm such a jerk.
i was waiting for my friend betty.
shucks, that's a great idea, pete.
but my name's not.
i'm so sorry. i was led to believe there were going to be different kinds of social and psychological types at this gathering.
the world wants winners, i guess. not people stained with loserness.
it's all yours, heather. now if you'll excuse me, i'm going to go throw up.
but ms. fleming, it's just not right.
oh yeah.
color me educated. i learned high school happiness is for members only, pauline fleming wouldn't know reality if it lived in her uterus, and reality's name's heather james. also, j.d.'s a major creep.
this condescending junk makes suicide seem like a cool thing to do. hey kids, make your parents and teachers feel like shit! get the respect in death you'll never get in life.
everybody cares for youth but nobody cares about joey blow. when that news reporter gets home he'll scream at his son for not mowing the lawn in the right pattern.
all we want is to be treated like human beings, not like guinea pigs to be experimented on and not like bunny rabbits to be patronized.
i guess i picked the wrong time to be a human being.
is she dead?
i said i was sorry.
you're not funny. ouch!
just shut up and turn on the radio. hot probs is on.
heather told everyone about heather.
yes, dear diary, i've cut off heather chandler's head and heather duke's head has sprouted in its place like some mythological thing my eighth grade boyfriend would know about. heather's even doing the old note trick.
i did it j.d.'s way. i did it pauline's way. nothing's changed. i guess that's heather's way. and jesus, what about j.d.? i can't get him out of my head. are we going to the prom? or to hell? and where's heather going?
what were you trying to do? sleep?
you're giving your life away to become a goddamn statistic in u.s. fucking a today. that's got to be the least private thing i can think of.
if everyone jumped off a bridge, young lady, would you?
hey now, if you were happy every day of your life, you wouldn't be a human being, you'd be a game show host.
sure.
heather?
people love you but i know you. jennifer forbes told me the petition she signed was to put a jacuzzi in the cafeteria. and doug hylton.
don't talk to me like that.
no.
heather, why can't you just be a friend? why are you such a megabitch?
i was thinking more along the lines of slitting heather duke's wrists open and making it look like a suicide.
it's over, j.d. over!
yes?
oh my god.
get off my bed, you sick psycho! you think you're a rebel! you're not a rebel! you're a sick psycho! do you think you're a rebel? do you think you're a rebel? i wanna know!
wait a. you're not listening! i'm not on your side.
you're still not listening! i'm not.
this knife is filthy.
i think i know heather a bit better than you, okay? if she was going to slash her wrists, the knife would be absolutely spotless.
tomorrow someone else will move into her place. that person could be me. ha, there's only one of us who knows heather's handwriting and if you think i'm doing another suicide note.
no-o!
heather? wha.
what are you doing here?!
dear diary, no one can stop j.d. not the f.b.i., the c.i.a., or the p.t.a. that is to say, no one but me. i know where j.d. is coming from and where he is heading. he's wrong, but i'm going to teach him what's right. i'm going to stop j.d. if it's the last thing i do.
hey mom, why so tense?
where is he? where's j.d.?
get a job.
rodney, where's everybody going?
oh my god, the damn pep assembly.
rodney, what's underneath the gym?
may i see your hall pass?
like father, like son. a serious-as- fuck bomb in the boiler room that'll set off a pack of thermals upstairs. okay, so let's start by slowly putting the bomb down on the ground.
okay, okay. i knew that. i knew that. put your hands on your head.
the bomb's gone on, j.d.! how do you turn it off? tell me!
it's all over, j.d. help me to stop it.
how do you turn the fucker off?
the bomb, asshole!
you know what i want, babe?
cool guys like you out of my life.
but babe, don't worry, these here were ich luge bullets.
i thought i. you.
perfecto.
yeah, i just got back.
heather, my love, there's a new sheriff in town.
hey, martha, wait up.
my date for the prom kind of flaked out on me, so i thought if you weren't doing anything that night we could go to the video store and rent some new releases or something. maybe pop some popcorn.
So would I.