happy hanukkah maccabee.
thanks for the invite mrs. kleinman, but right now g dash d's the only one for me.
shabat shalom!
did you just take god's name in vain?
just about to leave, right?
you alright?
hey, hey! be proud of who you are. you're a bad, bold, big-nosed, biblical brother. you feelin' me?
aveenooh shalom alechem little brother.
stay jewish.
happy hanukkah tikva.
so, what's shakin' yenta.
okay, what's the information?
anything else?
but we're not open on sundays.
i'll be in my office.
it was the day before hanukkah when she strolled into my office.
come in.
please, call me mordechai.
from the way she carried herself i could tell she'd been around the block a few times.
oh, the things i would do to her if i had the.
client notes. sorry. what can i do for you?
how is old chief bloomenbergensteinenthal? is he still shtooping every girl he can get his hands on?
your mother? oh. whoops.
i'm sorry to hear about santa. he was a good friend, but my days.
sorry shiksa, i think you got the wrong office. i'm the hebrew hammer. mike hammer's down the hall.
listen. esther, you seem like a nice girl, so i'm only gonna say this once. i no longer affiliate myself with that organization. the politics there were brutal. besides, i've already got a full case load.
that's. uh. that's all done electronically now.
i hate to cut you short, but in an hour the sun goes down, and then it's officially the sabbath. i can't work on the sabbath. this is where we're going to have to part ways boobola.
be my guest. but i have to warn you, i'm going to my mother's for dinner tonight. and if you think i'm difficult, wait till you meet her.
shabat shalom mama. i brought some manischewitz. the black label.
oy vey, i'm stuffed.
mom, i think we've had enough.
mom! esther works for the jdl. they sent her to try and recruit me back to save hanukkah for them. what she doesn't seem to understand is that nothing, not even god himself could convince me to ever work for them again.
not my problem. if you'll excuse me now, i need to use the bathroom.
mom, where do you keep the plunger?
so, what did you two ladies discuss while i was gone.
mom, stop with this already. of course i love you. you're my mother.
mom, i have a real job. i do good things for this community. i help people.
so don't show a picture.
oh. oh, what. so, all of a sudden my saving hanukkah's not good enough for you? is that what your saying?
no. no. we're gonna argue. and you know what mom? i'm going to save hanukkah just to spite you. and when my face is all over the television. when your friends are opening their hanukkah gifts next year, don't mention it to them, okay? i wouldn't want you to have to show my picture.
mom, why don't you put that cat out of its misery?
you've gotta be kidding me. they're still doing this?
mordechai baruch netanyahoo.
beitzah, charoset, chazeret, karpas, maror, and zeroa.
oooh. that's cold.
hello? can anybody hear me? i think this machine is broken or something. hello? this is ridiculous! i didn't even want to come here. i shlep all the way out to the middle of nowhere, for lord knows what purpose, and.
i am so unhappy with this situation. why mordechai? why do you always feel it necessary to do what other people want you to do? why can't you be your own man.
a minion practicing jew-do, the deadly fighting art. cool.
alright. i'll, uh, keep doing that.
i got the job done didn't i? i did what i had to do.
hey, it's your bar mitzvah. i'm just readin' the torah portion.
i guess i could be chalant about it, but then again i'm not even sure if that's a word. listen chief, we could stand around arguing all day, but i gotta case to crack.
i'm gonna pay a visit to the k.l.f. see if they've got the 411 on santa's location. i'll check in with you when i know more.
okay. you guys have seriously got to stop with that stuff. that's a lot of pressure to put on one jew. i'm only human you know. i'm already shvitzing about the whole thing. you know, believe it or not, i'm allowed to make mistakes, too. i can only do the best that i can do, and that's just gonna have to be good enough for all of you.
just. just stop with that. okay? alright, i'm out of here.
mohammed ali paula abdul rahim. my main nigga!
i'm back on the job for the jdl. you hear about that crazy white boy who took over as santa?
true dat. true dat. so, what's the word on the street?
actually, i. i don't. what does that mean?
not if i can help it. you got any information for me?
is there anything else you can tell me? his hangouts, his next move, anything?
thanks little brother, you've been a big help.
thanks again mo, you always deliver the goods.
okay, look. i'm going to work really, really hard on this one. but, please stop with the pressure. i'm already tense as it is.
alekem salam.
manischewitz. straight up.
actually, can i have the black label?
i figure if this is my last drink, you might as well leave the bottle.
do you guys take shekels? i just got back from a trip in israel, and all i've got is a fistful of shekels.
5733. that was a good year for me.
shabat shalom, motherfuckers.
shlomo, you okay?
huh.
bootleg 'it's a wonderful life' from taiwan.
sixty five percent pure. damn! people could get hurt watching this shit. come with me.
get yourself home and watch this as soon as possible.
hey, hey, hey! you can beat this. now get going.
chief, it's me. listen carefully. i need for the worldwide jewish media conspiracy to mass produce video copies of every hollywood movie ever made featuring a positive jewish protagonist as its lead.
that'll work. get them out to the jewish community stat. we got an epidemic on our hands.
it was a trap. i'm back at square one.
good thinking. we'll disguise ourselves as a gentile couple to pass undetected. now that he thinks i'm dead, this should be a piece of homentashen.
the fate of hanukkah. right. right. yeah, got it. will do. okay, bye now.
he must be behind that curtain. relax. we're undercover. we need to give off the appearance of calm. you see esther, the trick to undercover work is to try and blend in. act as a gentile would.
while i thank you, gentile friend, for your generous offer of that deliciously unkosher snack, i sadly have to decline for i stuffed myself full of meat and milk product at a prior lunch engagement.
c'mon follow me.
we have to get through. it's an emergency.
you're good!
if you keep your mouth shut and come with me, you won't get hurt.
let me guess, you're the goy who stole hanukkah.
what's your shpiel, santa?
sorry santa. i like my women like my matzah. unleavened.
this is where you go down.
let's do this clean. i don't want to make a scene santa.
what are you doing?
hey everybody. how's it hangin'?
c'mon!
it's over. we're doomed.
what is that?
you saved our lives. thank you. how can i ever repay you?
where are we? what is this place?
that got annoying fairly quickly.
nah, we're kosher. thanks though.
now we wait for santa to make his next move.
want to get a drink?
what was that!?
oh. yeah, about once a week!
i said, yeah, about once a week!
i'm okay right now. thanks though.
nah, i'm good. i'm kind of here with somebody.
yeah. maybe next time joshua. take it easy.
do we know each other?
mordechai. my friends call me morty.
uhhh. you know, i. have to go to the bathroom. i'll be right back.
hey there.
do you want to get out of here?
sorry. i'm better with men.
you mean like disco dancing or doing the funky chicke. oh. i get it.
now we're talking boobola.
yes esther.
oh. okay.
i want to have lots of children by you. get a good paying, stable job. settle down in long island somewhere. someplace nice. fancy. but not fancy schmancy.
i want for our children to go to private schools and take music lessons. little abraham will go to stanford for college, batya will go ivy league, maybe vassar.
afterwards they'll make the decision as to whether or not they'd like to continue their religious studies in israel. because, hey, after all we'll have practiced the highly effective assertive democratic style of child rearing, sprinkled with a healthy dose of liberalism.
also, on a daily basis, i want you to tell me what to do, where to do it, and how i should live my life.
antihistamine. it's for my allergies. the capsules make me gassy.
you know, i've been thinking about what santa's got planned for us next. maybe he'll.
oh, she said that, did she? what else did mommy dearest have to say?
when did you guys have this conversation? when i was in the bathroom? what else did she have to say?
what? you made a deal with my mother to sleep with me if i'd help you?!
what does that make you? what does that make me? and my mother. what does that make her?
oh my god. she's become my pimp. and she's whoring her bitch-son out to the highest bidder.
always meddling in my life. this is so typical of her. but from you? i thought we had something good here.
i'm sorry esther, i just don't think we can see each other romantically anymore.
hammer here.
what's up?
looks like i got a plane to catch.
no way, it's too dangerous. besides, my days of hooking are over.
it's a long story. i'll explain when i get back from saving the clock.
alone.
do you speak english?
chello.
i need to rent your biggest cadillac. preferably lowered, with white wall tires.
well what else do you have?
whatever it is, i'll take it.
uh. can you just give me one second?
let's dance the hora!
what are you doing here?
i love you too. i'm sorry about freaking out yesterday. i was wrong.
go check on the clock. i'll finish up here.
i don't know. i'm feeling kind of tired.
esther!
still ticking. thanks to the help from the brothers at the klf, hanukkah's safe for now.
it's esther. santa's got her.
i love her sir. if i don't help you, i won't be able to make her my wife. mohammed ali paula abdul rahim has agreed to come with me to the north pole on a rescue mission.
oh no, not the.
there won't be any need for that sir.
i know sir. i won't let you down.
sammy davis jr. jr.
he's still working out some identity issues.
it's gonna be tough, but the back entrance looks like our best bet.
this is the year 5734. it's time the boys at the klf got into the 58th century. let me show you something.
the jdl supplies all its agents with this state of the art device called a laptop computator.
now this might get a bit technical, but try and stay with me. using a highly sophisticated connection of other computators, called the internet, i can access surveillance maps, villian biographical information, and even sports scores with a few simple keystrokes of this electronic typewriter.
but wait, there's more. with a few swift clicks of this hand-computer interface, commonly referred to as a mouse, i can download illicit pornographic material and even send it along to a friend via a cyber postal route known as e-mail.
oh yeah. take a look.
for example, here's a picture of your sister tawanda getting freaky with a german shepard.
remember that bit about the cyber postal route?
nah, forget about it.
just praying to god that we don't kill ourselves going over this wall.
you know, you don't have to hold on to my waist. you're tied in.
wait! before we enter, you need to know that my research has determined that santa's compound is wired with the xp 2000 stereo type alarm system.
take a look.
the alarm will trigger if the system detects any non-w.a.s.p. tendencies inside the building. for example, if you were to dribble a basketball, or eat watermelon, or use the word dawg. that is, spelled with an aw as opposed to the letter o. within the confines of this workshop, the alarm would sound.
well that's good news for us. it means the system is outdated. this should be easy. c'mon.
mo, i think you dropped some.
let's go!
c'mon, let's go!
offscreen gunfire. that jewish atomic clock stuff ate up a lot of our budget.
damn!
where's my girlfriend santa?
but if i kill you, then you'll be dead.
don't worry your pretty little head.
that was a warning shot.
wait! i didn't want it to come to this, but you leave me no choice. i have no other option but to use the most powerful weapon in the jewish arsenal.
i shlepped all the way to the north pole for this? i come to fight you, and you don't even put out anything to nosh on? what kind of arch nemesis are you?
what sort of host would treat company this way? esther is clearly uncomfortable in your guest room. i'm shvitizing from running around shooting people. and my feet. what kind of flooring is this anyway? my arches are killing me.
and to top it off, you didn't even have the courtesy to give me a proper hello when i entered the room. what have i ever done to you to be treated with such disrespect?
everything's kosher. watch him for me.
esther!
joseph lieberman?
we go to the same temple.
mo, get him out of my sight.
no, wait. i need closure here. i just wanna say one thing. you know where you messed up santa? you underestimated the true meaning of hanukkah.
that's. that's a very good question. and i do know that it does have something to do with. dreidels, and.
and latkes! and some miracle oil that lasted eight days. and that my friend, should've been enough for you. take him away mo.
esther bloomenbergensteinenthal, will you marry me?
well then maybe you should have thought about that before you ran with him. c'mon, let's get you back to washington.
and a merry christmas to all of our gentile friends. mun chi.
before we start the sabbath, i'd personally just like to thank god for all the blessings i've received over the past year. a beautiful fiancee.
a wonderful mother.
and the opportunity to help my brothers and sisters in the jewish community.
thanks mom.
well, i did save hanukkah mom. my children, and my children's children, and my children's children's children.
and their children will all be able to eat latkes and spin dreidels, and light the menorah with the knowl.
no, no, no, no, no. i see what you're doing here. so all of a sudden hanukkah's not good enough for you, is that right?
well i have news for you mom. it is good enough. i'm good enough and i won't leave here until i hear you tell me.
i'm not finished yet, mom.
mom! we're eating!
oh, i get it. to you, the cat pooping in his diaper is somehow better than my saving a jewish holiday. forget it.
i think i hear the new santa claus busy at work. c'mon.
since santa will be living out the rest of his days at a home for the religionally insane and because he had no blood heirs, the kwanzaa liberation front and the jewish defense league agreed to make the whole santa claus process a democratic vote. we're all very pleased with the first santa elect.
look, there he is now.
merry christmas jamal.