remind me to fire my publicist.
never happen. bet. ten bucks.
oh, give this back to petey in a block. tell him it was a sweet gift, but i think he got some wrong ideas about our friendship.
you got it. a double.
answer's no, not even if you bathe. cesar mario, antony mario, how's the "family?" kill any monkeys lately?
sure. face down. two endearing shots to the back of the head. that's your mark, man. what did little eddie ever do to.
or you cut off my thingie. directions even your brother would understand.
if the mario brothers weren't jersey's third largest family, i'd say kiss my ass. but considering your status, i'll say slurp my butt.
baseball, why?
i meant, ping pong. listen, i'd rather go back in than whore for you.  oh, i need to borrow ten dollars.
help? police?
i don't believe this. i've been out forty seconds.
your timing, and your shoes, are impeccable.  good to see you, alex, been having a lousy day.
looks like you've been expanding your.
my next word was gonna be "consciousness." swear to god.  tubby.
that's your definition of "hard?"
three minutes, 51 seconds.
not anymore. now i'm the laziest damn cat burg--i'm going to take it so straight that i won't tape a mets game without the expressed written consent of the national baseball league.
come on, alex, let's just get to alex's. your bar's the only place that's going to cheer me. god, i'd kill for a damn cappuccino. what the hell's a nintendo?
the man knows, the man knows!
oh, not much. mario brothers want me to do a job.
ah, had the perfect amount of foam. just get me to the bar.  it's the one good thing in my life that'll never change.
i read about these people in newsweek. where's all the regulars, crazy jeff cava, the todd sisters, indian joe? where's ed kranepool's autograph? captain bob's steering wheel?
this is pizza? reindeer goat cheese? i admit, i've been known to go wild and order a canadian bacon in my time, but.
can you take a sunrise and sprinkle it with dew?
the candy man can, felix. you know, i thought this was a country where you could do any stupid thing you wanted; drive to work naked, make love to a v.c.r. guess i'm wrong. maybe that's why i became a serial arsonist.
the pleasure's all yours, officer gates.
what job?
the only thing you can't do is get sex for free. i know i was in prison for like basically the 80's, but, call me daffy, aren't you supposed to stop me from committing crimes. you know, book-em-dano, call-for-backup, give-a-hoot-don't-pollute.
how was i supposed to know they were women? besides one of them was bald and kept saying "soitinly."
yes.
uh, yeah. cut to the chase.
what else do you got under there .  i don't want to be rude, but this is all pretty lame.
alex, did you know this ape was going to be here.
yo pandora, quit hummm-ing.  look at this.
it's captain bob's steering wheel! remember when the captain.
the safe's a simpson 71. last time i played the game, simpson only had a 40.
but you got three guards who.  shit, what am i doing? where's the want ads? gonna sell some spatulas.
this isn't funny. i'm not into this. i.
you're not. listening!
i'm sorr--goddamn mario brothers. goddamn gates. goddamn rutherford auction house. by the way, how many seconds?
alex!
3:48. i can't get you involved, man. this is my sewage and.  god, you love all this, don't you, you bastard. haven't you ever heard of stamp collecting, or curling?
i'm a bum.
whoa, you better cut a bigger hole than that.
cameras?
yes, master-thief, i can see that. you said something about a plan.
5:32. "swinging on a star."
"a mule is an animal with long funny ears."
"or would you rather swing on a star, carry moonbeams home in a jar."
"or would you rather be a fish?"
spits on the rubber cup of an electronic sensor, plugged into a walkman, and affixes it to the safe above the dial.
"a fish is annuh nan na nan na brook.
"and though he's slippery, he still gets caught."
"and all the monkeys aren't in the zoo."
what am i doing here? there are so many things i wanna do that aren't this. paint a lighthouse. kiss a woman in italy.
paint a woman in a lighthou--i don't want to steal a horse. life is.
let's go down the freight elevator.
i can't even swim.
weren't you the bartender at jonestown?
ah, the mafia, the cops; do i know how to party or what?
you certainly do.
i hate to interrrupt you two lovebirds.
too-do-loo, babe.
oh, not much. gates just had his tonsils taken out. the hard way.
the butler did it. guy was a cross between alistair cook and a cuisinart. dude took mr. ed and humptied dumptied it over gates's head. he said it was made by, get this, leonardo.
okay, you got me, mr. pbs.
"attempted." at-tempt-ted! i'm not happy about having to steal that horse, but i do have my pride. face it, when it comes to burglary, and sex, i.
boing. uh, this i don t understand.
because i'm tired of not understanding things. cops, mafia, and butlers forcing me to bust my ass to steal something, which it turns out i really didn't steal--it's fucked up.
alex, my man, it's time to play a little offense. where's your tux?
all these years of attending auctions, i still get goosebumps. the paintings, the sculptures. the things that aren't really paintings or sculptures.
i couldn't agree more. savages.
is looking like a constipated warthog a prerequisite to getting a job in the art world?
oh, the shit is going to hit the fa--
forget about it--it was nothing-- anybody would have done the same thing--it's an impulse.
excuse me, milady. i would have flown over and carried you up to a pink cloud, but i left my cape at the cleaners.
because danger, doc, is my middle.
saint pete, hey i know, the whole cat burglar thing, it sounds bad, but i'll take the worst cloud you got.
pretty class way of covering your tracks. i think that auctioneer landed at la guardia.
neither's flossing.
life don't get much better than this.
this is the worst night.
no shit.
don't i know you.
bastard, you're going to need another nose!
but i'm not the type of guy to hold a grudge.
to what do i owe the dishonor of a reunion, you centrally intelligent scumsicle.
three minutes, twenty-three seconds. if you think i'm doing another.
employer? the president?
i'm supposed to fall for that?
no. way.
yes way.
you could host american bandstand in here. why did you duck at the auction, asshole?
my life is not some deal. i.
whatever. you own boardwalk, you own park place, you own the four railroads. you think you're god. for all i know, you're probably right. i just wanted to have a damn cappuccino, maybe play some nintendo after i find out what it is. man, why didn't you just buy the horse? what am i saying, you did buy it.
if you're pausing for a "thank you," give it up. so boss, you going to tell me what the crystal piece inside the pony means?
i guess that's a no.
guess i know who wears the penis in this family.
alfred, you're a very polite psychopath, but if you.
think he's already got today's ball-balls. five more minutes please, it's been so long.
anybody have a cigarette? but seriously, do me a favor and concorde me back to prison. i don't care anymore. i hope you have the receipts for the threads.
you wouldn't risk the dime to call the police. you have no proof.
i'm robbing the vatican. the nuns at st. agnes predicted that i'd end up doing this.
excuse me, i'm being blackmailed into robbing the vatican by a psychotic american corporation along with a cia.
forget it, man. go tackle a jaywalker.
operator, i want to make a collect call to alex messina, new york.
yes, and my giraffe loves it, too.
that's what you theenk.
never, why do you ask?
whoa. name's hawkins, eddie hawkins. my nickname's hudson hawk, but don't call me hudson, not even as a joke. the nuns at st. agnes called me that and they're the ones who helped make me what i am today. not a compliment.
could you believe that crazy elephant?
whoa, part 2. does it go to times square?
the vatican is made of constant mysteries meant to be enjoyed, not explained.
oh, you read that.
you're not an unmysterious thang yourself.
god, i wish i could say the same thing. what about having a nice, dull dinner with me tonight. scrabble, knock-knock jokes, anecdotes about famous dead italians.
and i'll bring my entourage.
said.
hello, operator. i'd like to make a collect call to new york number.
thank you, operator, thank you.
come on, alex, pick up, you reindeer goat cheese-eating motherfucker.
a-lex, a-lex, come on alex.
why george, you big softie.
you know kaplan, if you weren't the slimiest pinata of shit that ever lived, i'd feel sorry for you.
tonight? you're whacked. the timing's off, i'm underequipped damnit, i have a date!
thanks for sharing.
if you do anything to my friend.
what did you have against little eddie, motherfucker? he was just a monkey who liked to laugh. come back without your yuppie army. i'll triscuit you, you space shuttle eating. shit.!
"beware the odd steps."
why kit kat, aren't you a gentleman.
please god, please god. let the guard shoot me.
is alnost to the other side when the guard's bullet hits the friction belt. hawk drops with a wild scream.  and lands with a painful straddle atop a street lamppost. his eyes bug out with the thought of a life without children. he slowly spins off the lamppost and sails down upon.
i never break a date. scout's honor.
fettucini con funghi porcini.
oh, and could i have some ketchup with that.
this is bueno. they had the worst ketchup in prison. uh.
i was the warden?
let's just say, i never saw e.t.
i seem to have a thing for sinning. sinning. check please.
i'll bring the ketchup.
uh. old badminton injury.
tickles, tickles, tickles.
hey now, outside of a very friendly dog this morning, it's been a slow decade. i don't make love every ten years, i get a little cranky.
catholic girls are scary.
oh. no.
it's not what you think. okay, maybe it is.
wha--
does everyone in the world know more than me? jesus, i'm just some guy who happens to be good at swiping stuff. lifted a piece of licorice when i was one and a half. who knew it would lead.  they even got the cia involved!
ooh, i guess i do know something here's looking at you, kid.
this doesn't taste like cappuccino.
shucks, i'll just take it back.
another piece of the puzzle for the da vinci alchemy project.
just browsing. don't touch me.
oh weeeeelly, don't hurt me? even if i do this.
and this.
surely this must offend.
things are getting a little loose at the da vinci workshop tonight. "put your left leg in, take your right foot out." may i call you minnie.
hey, guys, i've always wanted to sing like franki valli and the other seasons, but come on.
two minutes, 35 seconds. damnit, i'm involved in this thing, so i just wanna know what this thing is. i wanna be treated as an adult.
that's two down to kitty carlisle.
alchemy.
sure. the kremlin. makes sense. the kremlin. why not? listen, this is all too indiana jones and the lost city of king tut for me, man. throw me in jail and go ahead, just try and throw alex.
you want an address on that last one?
bunny, not you too?
i'll kill all you. even the old lady.
you bastard! you fucked my freedom for a lousy job!
no. alex! wake up, you can't go out like this.
you bastard. you fucked my freedom for a lousy job.
no sweat, alex, you only made the biggest mistake of my life. what was your per-diem?
and you, dr. cappucino, you're lucky i don't hit women, assuming you are a woman. i'm not taking anything for granted anymore.
oh. well, what's this?
you know, the place where you gave the bad guys the codex.  the mayflower museum.
you better believe i can. i'm sick of people telling me what i have to do.
selfish attitude? i'm just some guy who wants a little nap and a cappuccino for when he wakes up, not too much foam.
the world is beautiful. every day in prison i made sure to remember that. it's only when i actually got out that i forgot. if i was sane, i'd be on that plane to rio. but being beaten and abused to fulfill some corporation's perverted vision does something to your mental health. the world is beautiful and i'm tired of being fucked. it's darwin and minerva's turn to bite the pillow.
rio, alex? after all they've done to. hey, these tickets are for moscow!
geez, this art treasures room looks like a burnt diaphragm.
hey, don't take your disguise so seriously.
fits my new image. a thief for the masses. this is one job i'm not going to feel guilty about enjoying. gum.
shwoof, that makes me feel better. i can't believe this is the iron curtain. all the guy at airport customs wanted to know was "who shot j.r.?"
yeah, i mean, come on, going through the iron curtain is supposed to be crawling underneath barbed wire, it's supposed to be strangling a guard.
it's supposed to be parachuting in the moonlight.
count of three?
okay.
oh-eee-oh-a-whoa-oh.
three. oh. oh. "side by side."
"oh, we ain't got a barrel of money.
don't worry, we'll get it.
uh, i guess so.
"oh this lock is a pain in the bu-utt"
that was close.
you can be lookout!.  take alex's gun.
"we all had our quarrels and parted"
geez, this place is a mess.
i don't want to sound immature, but we were here first.
no.
can't you see the mayflowers double-crossed you.
i don't think you'll appreciate their choice of weenie.
no. but why do you let butterfinger keep those blood stains on his shirt?
you want immature, how 'bout an egg fight.
alex, are you.
you're a reed, man. i gotta get anna. hang in there.
comes out of the long hallway double doors up to where anna is bustling. they hug.
but you're going to tell us anyway.
if you think you're getting past me.
don't be stupid. they.
just shut up and hit me!
and snickers trades fierce blows, stumbling down a staircase.
damnit, i hate this! i'm a cat burglar! nobody said anything about this fight-to-the-death shit.
boots snickers down the stairs. snickers somersaults up and frantically tries to pull off the bomb.
let's just forget it, i mean.
oh, come on.
why does this have to be so hard.
take this to hell with you.
wow, this is really gonna hurt the resale value.
oh, honey.
we did it man, we.
i told you not to call me hudson. the only people who called me that were the nuns at.
this is too bad to be false.
last rites, sister?
she killed alex.
you killed a friend. why should i help you go for the gold?
except yours-yours. the goal of world domination. well, if you put it that way, minnie. how can i resist?
and to think i thought you were evil incarnate in pumps.
okay, fine!
i hope you know what.
wha.
yeah, but what would happen if that little mirror came out of the crystal.
i wanna know.
me, anna, and leonardo just wanna say you got the midas touch, baby.
you're unemployed, alfie. boss is dead. her plan is over.
ooh-kay.
stop helping me! thou shalt not kill!
don't lose your head over this.
excuse my crass american humor.
oh bunny, ball-ball.
have i ever told you the world is beautiful.  i'd really like to play nintendo with you, or something.
i got my planet back.
the first one's for alex. cheers.