i tell ya the guy's a phony. as a three-dollar bill. sez me! amy archer. why is he an idea man -- because hudsucker says he is? what're his ideas? why won't they let anyone interview him?. and just take a look at the mug on this guy -- the jutting eyebrows, the simian forehead, the idiotic grin. why he has a face only a mother could love -- on payday! the only story here is how this guy made a monkey out of you, al. i filed it yesterday. al, he's the bunk. i'll stake my pulitzer on it! i'm sorry we had to take the stairs. it was just that horrible little elevator boy. the couch, please. i don't know what came over me. i suppose it was the shock of eating after so long without; the enzymes kicking in after so long, or whatever. but then you couldn't possibly know what it is to be tired and hungry. i don't want to bore you with all the sordid details of my life; it's not a happy story. suffice it to say that i'm jobless -- though not for want of trying, that i'm friendless, with no one to -- thank you -- take care of me; and that had you not come along at just exactly the moment that you did -- norville, i didn't know you were president here! what a horrible little person. at any rate i arrived in town not ten days ago, full of dreams and aspirations, anxious to make my way in the world -- a little naive perhaps but -- thank you -- armed with determination, a solid work ethic, and an indomitable belief in the future -- only to have that belief, that unsullied optimism, dashed against the marble and mortar of the modern work place -- no thank you. seek and ye shall find, work and ye shall prosper -- these were the watch words of my education, the ethics of my tender years -- -- these were the values that were instilled in me while i was growing up in a little town you've probably never heard of -- be my guest. a little town you've probably -- are you all right?. is it your lunch? the chicken a la king? is the a la king repeating on you? values. watchwords. uh, tender years. -- a little town you've probably never heard of. muncie, indiana. why yes, do you know it? oh, no, really, i -- of course -- i went to the muncie, uh, secretarial polytechnic! well, i just don't know how to thank you, mr. barnes -- likewise hooks her thumbs in front of her nose, makes wings, and, winking back: gooooooooo eagles! and is this guy from chumpsville?! i pulled the old mother routine -- lumbago. i'm telling you, smitty, the board of hudsucker is up to something -- -- and it's a cinch -- goiter -- it's a cinch this guy isn't in on it. how much time to make the late final? hiya, chief, just the person i wanted to apologize to. yeah, i was all wet about your idea man. well, thanks for being so generous. it is human, and you are divine. no, he's no faker. he's the 100% real mccoy beware-of- imitations genuine article: the guy is a real moron -- -- as in a five-letter word for imbecile -- -- as pure a specimen as i've ever run across. am i sure he's a nitwit? heck, if working at the argus doesn't make me an expert then my name isn't amy archer and i've never won the pulitzer prize. in 1957. my series on the reunited triplets -- come on down here, hammerhead, and i'll show it to ya. not now, morris, i'm busy -- that's right, i said hammerhead, as in a ten-letter word for a smug bullying self-important newspaperman -- -- gnu -- -- who couldn't find -- -- that's g-n-u -- -- couldn't find the empire state building with a compass, a road map and a native guide. -- or emu. and that's just the potatoes, smitty, here comes the gravy: the chump really likes me. a muncie girl! i'm tellin' ya, this guy's just the patsy and i'm gonna find out what for. there's a real story, smitty, some kind of plot, a setup, a cabal, a -- oh, and say, did i tell ya?! a sawbuck! on norville barnes! copy! well, i. didn't bother to read the article. i didn't think the picture did you justice. -- or lack thereof? is that all, mr. barnes? i'm sure i -- well, i -- why don't i just type this up. well, i don't know; maybe she does deserve it. maybe she should've come in to face you man to man. sure, but -- she could still have gotten your side for the record! confused? i'm quite sure i don't know what you mean. oh, is that it! smitty. maybe she puts her work ahead of her personal appearance. norville barnes, you don't know a thing about that woman! you don't know who she really is! and only a numbskull thinks he knows things about things he knows nothing about! looks around the office -- notices something. huh?! who are you? how did you know who i am? but -- who are you -- what d'you do here? yeah, yeah. say, you won't tell anyone about me, will you? so if you know everything about hudsucker, tell me why the board decided to make norville barnes president. that smart?! why on earth would they want a nitwit to be president? well, maybe i -- it's hardly the same -- well, in connection with my job, sometimes i have to go undercover as it were -- i'm happy enough. i'm plenty happy! hello? why not, it's all true! the board is using this poor guy! they're depressing the stock so they can buy it cheap! i know they're gonna buy that stock -- i don't know. muncie. i've got an even hotter story -- the sap from the city desk. it's about a dimwitted editor who -- back off -- smoocher! norville? what happened? let me look. let me hold it, or you'll have a real shiner. i'm sorry. norville. there's something i have to tell you. you see, i'm not really a secretary. you do? i believe in you, norville -- at least i believe in your. intentions -- norville, you can't trust people here like you did in muncie. certain people are -- huh? oh yes! in muncie! uh -- yes. seventeen. yes, i -- well no, i -- i never really. there's a place i go now, the cutest little place near my apartment in greenwich village. it's called ann's 440. it's a beatnik bar. yes, you can get carrot juice or italian coffee, and the people there -- well, none of them quite fit in. you'd love it -- why don't you come there with me -- they're having a marathon poetry reading on new year's eve. i go every year. well -- this year -- if it's good i plan to make it a tradition. uh, my it certainly is beautiful -- the people look like ants. what a beautiful thought. oh, i don't know. maybe i was just a fast-talking career gal who thought she was one of the boys -- norville, there really is something i have to tell you -- i wish it were that simple, norville. i wish i was still a gazelle, and you were an antelope or an ibex. yeah, i think i've heard of that. what goes around comes around. oh, norville -- sure, norville, sure. oh, norville! norville! for pete's sake, norville! never mind about that. you know what those nincompoops in the boardroom are doing? they're going to discharge eight percent of the work force here at hudsucker. why, in new york alone that means eighteen hundred people out of work, people with wives and children and families -- you mean you know about this? your i -- you're awful kind to yourself, norville barnes -- the fact is you've slowed down, sitting up here like a sultan, not doing a lick of work! why you know it's ideas that are the lifeblood of industry and you haven't come up with one since the hoop and the reason's plain to see! you've forgotten what made your ideas exciting for you in the first place -- it wasn't for the fame and the wealth and the mindless adulation of -- would you get out of here?! i've been watching you, norville barnes, even though you've been trying to avoid me -- shutup! -- and don't think i haven't noticed how you've changed. i used to think you were a swell guy -- well, to be honest i thought you were an imbecile -- shutup! -- but then i figured out you were a swell guy, a little slow maybe, but a swell guy! well, maybe you're not so slow, but you're not so swell either and it looks like you're an imbecile after -- shutup! -- after all! you haven't talked to me for a week and now i'm going to say my piece. i've got a prediction for you, norville barnes: i predict that since you've decided to dedicate yourself to greed and sloth and everything bad, you're going to lose all the good things that your good ideas brought you. you're going to throw them all away chasing after money and ease and the respect of a board that wouldn't give you the time of day if you. if you. shutup! exactly! don't you remember how you used to feel about the hoop? you told me you were gonna bring a smile to the hips of everyone in america, regardless of race, creed or color. finally there'd be a thingamajig that would bring everyone together -- even if it kept 'em apart, spacially -- you know, for kids? your words, norville, not mine. i used to love norville barnes -- yes, love him! -- when he was just a swell kid with hot ideas who was in over his head, but now your head is too big to be in over! consider this my resignation -- -- effective immediately!! you can't print that! but, al, it's the bunk! norville showed me his design for the whatsit the day i met him! why buzz couldn't have invented it -- look at the man -- he's an imbecile! says who?! yeah, and i'll bet his initials are sidney j. mussburger! muncie! you're fools, both of you! it's obvious they're out to crucify norville! they're trying to destroy him! you want slack, i'll give you slack. you're not putting me out to pasture, al, i quit! consider this my resignation -- -- effective immediately! norville! oh norville, i -- norville, i'm sorry, i. i tried to tell you. so many times. it's hard to admit when you've been wrong. if you could just. find it in your heart to -- to give me another chance -- just give me another chance, norville -- i can help you fight this thing. i know this last story was a lie! we can prove it! we can -- well that just about does it! i've seen norville barnes, the young man in a big hurry, and i've seen norville barnes the self-important heel, but i've never seen norville barnes the quitter, and i don't like it! fight on, fight on, dear old muncie. fight on, hoist the gold and blue; you'll be tattered, torn and hurtin' once 'the munce' is done with you! goooooo eagles! but norville. i. oh, norville!