i'm not sorry.
i'm not sorry. so i spend the rest of my life in jail. so what? i've been in jail my whole life anyway. a jail of blood and tissue and coursing hormones.
a jail called the human body.
my soul held prisoner in this reeking, stench-ridden bag of bones and entrails. a bag of feces and piss and fibroid cysts in my tits and precancerous moles on my sun-damaged back.
at least now i'll be able to blame the state, not god, for my incarceration.
my story begins when i was twelve.
something terrible happened when i was twelve.
oh, i had sexual urges. i had the urge to merge, officers. inside i was 100% grade a female. but what self-loathing i felt! who would have someone as repulsive, as unladylike as me? i did everything i could to shield the world from this repulsiveness.
nothing! i'll be out in a minute!
it's embarrassing, okay?
yeah, natalie. it's hair. it grows.
how is that helping, natalie? how exactly?
why, because i'm a freak and you are beautiful, and you are being nice enough to come down to my freak, nonbeautiful level and act concerned about my repulsive troubles?
at sixty dollars an hour, electrolysis was not a feasible solution. i explored my alternatives.
i remember once coming across a painting of mary magdalene entirely covered with fur. i guess that's where i got the idea that maybe the catholic church might be a place that encouraged excessive hair growth in its women.
so i became a nun.
heavenly father.  . please let this hair go away.
but my prayers were always so selfish.
i tried being a lesbian separatist.
but i guess i just wasn't attracted to women, even hostile, man-hating, hairy ones who wore sensible shoes.
for a while i was a professional circus freak.
during the holiday season, they made us wear costumes.
ho ho ho.
ow! you little fuck.
aside from the great dental, this occupation was not pleasant.
they say the holidays are difficult for a lot of people.
i decided there was something poetic about killing myself with a razor blade.
the way that mouse looked at me. there was no judgement. it didn't care if i had hair all over my body. i was just what i was. i felt so free. do you understand what i'm saying?
birds and squirrels and rocks and trees didn't seem to judge my hair. i felt at peace when there were no humans around. i figured out a way to spend as much time as possible with no people around. i became a nature writer.
last night i almost died on this mountain top, and the irony is i had never felt more alive.
i knew it was coming when in late afternoon, a thunderhead drifted over, sneaking in like kids through the back door of a movie theater, forced casual. it turned the sky a queer shade of green. a green that said "watch out, baby, this is gonna hurt like hell." i could've hightailed, but that would be cheating. part of the nature experience is recognizing its mastery over you, your smallness in the face of it.
as nietzsche said, what does not kill me makes me stronger, and that goes double if you're a woman.
i became a successful nature writer.
then i became a famous nature writer. i said to myself, fuck humanity.
and i became a recluse. i had a menagerie of animals at my house. they loved me because i was me. they loved me on the days i shaved. they loved me on the days i didn't. for a while this was enough.
by the time i was thirty i was very, very horny.
i had to have a man in my.  life. at any cost. i would become what i needed to become to achieve this. i would become a hairless lie.
i was rich enough for electrolysis by this time, so i began the long arduous process of having each inappropriate hair burned out of my body at the root.
this is when everything changed, and this is where my confession really begins.
ouch. yeah?
i love it, rose. i'm getting to be a real girl.
always. ow.
tell me. i could use someone up my alley.
shut up and tell me.
loves animals? ouch. must love animals, rose.
what do you mean?
holy shit. your brother didn't tell him about the nature of our relationship, did he?
won't he be able to tell?
god, he must be really close to your brother to tell him such personal stuff.
thank you so much. i love slugs. all slugs, not just banana slugs.
they're so even keel. they forge ahead with slow determination. they don't get distracted or side-tracked. they don't care what they look like. they don't care that people look at them and go, "ewww. a slug."
you've got to respect that.
where?
that's not necessarily a bad thing.
i'm not sure we can escape our natures. believe me i've tried. i'm not even so sure anymore that we should want to.
you are a therapist, right?
i hope you don't perform any of those dreadful torture experiments, nathan.
how's it going?
paper or cloth?
what's the larger experiment?
going out on a limb, aren't you, nathan?
i'm not sure.
we are animals after all.
i really like him, rose. he's so.  . passionate about his work.
really?
it looks wonderful.
um-mmm. oh nathan, this salad is delish.
i'm sorry?
oh, i'm sorry. i'm sorry, nathan. i never really learned those things.
boy, this is good!
no, i'm sorry. i'm really backward in certain areas.
you do?
you really enjoy my company?
i like you, too, nathan.
yeah but i have some peculiarities also.
like nothing.
i cannot believe how in love i am with this man.
he's so cute. i even like his cute little penis. it's like a little pig's penis or something. rose, we connect on every level. i've finally found someone i can feel completely safe with.
one night stand?
marrying a midget was a cheap thrill?
i didn't know you were into that sort of thing.
i have a friend you might like to meet.
three foot one.
rose, nathan's no midget, but he's asked me to move in with him.
and i think i'm going to.
it's lovely to finally meet you, mr. and mrs. bronfman. i've heard so much about you and i've seen you in photographs from nathan's childhood, but it's nice to meet you in the flesh. i must say, you look exactly the same as in the photographs.
nathan!
goodness, you two look exactly as you did in those old photos.
i'll be out in a minute.
you didn't seem sorry when you were laughing at all your mother's stupid, tasteless, cruel animal jokes.
do you?
do you? oh do you, darling?
oh, darling. i'm so relieved. let's celebrate with a long hike in the woods tomorrow!
it'll be wonderful! i'll show you my old stomping grounds!
i don't think so. why?
yes, darling.
of course.
fifteen.
yes, darling.
yes.
absolutely.
that's very funny.
it was a flash of white. i ruled out deer immediately. too.  upright.
did you see that?
i don't know. something.
no. too.  upright. might've been a person.
come on.
he bolted.
who are you?
you don't understand my language, do you?
i take it back, you do understand my language.
oh god.
i think he's feral.
he looks perfectly fine.
i don't understand you. this is fascinating and you just want to run away. i mean, here we have a human being totally uncontaminated by civilization, totally free, and all you want to do is run back to your.
what?
look at him. he doesn't understand english. he moves like an animal.
nathan, what the hell are you talking about?
oh no. you can't take him from his home, nathan.
i won't allow you. it's wrong. he's happy here.
you'd be taking away his freedom, nathan.
oh god, i have no one. nothing. you give me this beautiful gift, this glorious sunset. but with no one to say "isn't that a beautiful sunset" to, it becomes meaningless, just another stupid sunset. they happen everyday. so what?
all right.
nothing. be right out.
who is it?
who is it?
who from work?
who is it, nathan?
nathan, i.
it's hormonal, nathan. i can't help it. i'm sorry.
i'm getting electrolysis. it's working, but it takes time. so meanwhile i have to.
apes don't shave, you son of a bitch!
i'm sorry. please don't be mad at me for this.
i'm the same person i was before you knew, damn it! oh god!
oh god, why.  do.  i.  have.  to.  be.  like.  oh, no! oh, shit! hello? hello? is anyone there? who's there?
you are an animal.
i love being female because it, how do you say, allows me to be close to men.
so, how's it going today?
honey, can we talk tonight? you know, about stuff? things have been so strained for the past three weeks, since you know, and i just want to talk.
please, nathan. i really need this. you've been working late a lot.
are you seeing somebody else, nathan? i just have to know.
it would just be helpful to know.
because, you know, you seem so distant. and you work late every night. and we hardly ever have sex, and when we do, it's.  i don't know. it feels different.
do you like my new look?
i'm trying, you know. i'm trying to be what you want. i want to be what you want, nathan. all i want is to be what you want.
really?
because i'm really trying, you know. rosie says maybe only another two years of the elctrolysis.
i've signed up for a ballet class. and look at my nails! a real girl!
oh, nathan, let's have a baby!
oh! i didn't see you there, sneaky boy! you're like a boy sneaking in.
you remember that from my book? i'm touched! what's wrong?
i'll make it. i'm so happy, nathan! everything's going to be so great! scotch on the rocks, right? just kidding. i know what you drink, mister. i know what you drink. voila!
how's work?
no. i don't want your work to be cruddy.
oh, baby. i'm sorry. can't you hire somebody else?
hey! i could come work for you! i know i haven't been all that supportive of this project, but i've come around.
oh yes, baby! i think that this is a wonderful project you're doing, taking this poor unfortunate, uncivilized creature and turning him into a human being! what a wonderful wonderful compassionate man you are!
yes! and i want to help. you won't have to pay me, and i was thinking of giving up that crazy nature writing anyway.
who needs it? i have you and i have being a woman and i have thinking about womanly things! i love being a woman because.
such as my man and how to please him! such as making wonderful dinners for my man! such as looking pretty for my man! and i'm writing an article on quilting for the ladies home journal!
i had sold my fucking soul.
that was wonderful!
well, i'm tamed, dr. bronfman.
oh boy!
it's okay, puff.
it's an animal urge, puff. it's nothing to be ashamed of.
you just have to control it. we're not apes.
very well.
absolutely!
should i come with?
ummm. it's good.
you were gone a long time.
so he's doing okay?
that's funny because, you know, i just went and picked him up at some flophouse on the lower eastside. he called here when he ran out of his "mad" money after spending an entire evening drinking, watching strippers, and fucking a whore! oh, and what did you do tonight, honey?
and what did you do tonight, honey?
and what did you do tonight, honey?
do you know what i gave up to be with you?
i gave up my soul, my beliefs. i gave up my body hair!
how the hell would you know anything about the human heart?
how's that for ladylike, nathan.
for two weeks i holed myself up in a motel room. i didn't even know who i was. my world had crumbled. there is nothing that makes you feel dirtier than finally deciding to sell your soul and finding no buyers.
no maid service! for god's sake, can't you read the fucking "do not disturb" sign on the fucking doorknob?
go the fuck away, rosie.
rose, please go away.
how'd you know where i was?
your brother should have his license revoked.
why didn't your brother tell you that nathan was having an affair?
oh, rosie.
yeah. i gotta get myself together. i want to look good. if i'm gonna fuck with nathan, and i am, i want him to want to fuck me when i do it.
ready!
shut up! yeah, this is lila, cunt. and don't let the hirsutism fool you. i know more about being a woman, and more about the black hearts of men than you, in your pretty little powdered, bullshit fantasy world, can ever imagine. i know the darkness and cruelty of nature, sweetie pie.
eat shit, thumbtack dick! thank you, frank. you're the best.
see, frank and i are kindred spirits. we both know what it's like to be shunned because of our appearance. we both know how easily that turns into self-hatred.
uh, tie them up, rosie. if you will.
oh, rosie.
shut up, you.
i'm really glad you two found each other.
i'll be in touch.
gotta go.
stay.
out.
bad.
get up.
take off your clothes.
we're going back to nature, you and i. i'm going to retrain you. i'm going to make you free again if i have to kill you doing it.
you what?
good. i'll show you how, apey.
talking is to be kept to a minimum. eventually, when we are ready, there will be none. language was invented so that people could lie to each other and to themselves. there is no other reason.
you lose. any answer is the wrong answer.
you'll thank me eventually, puff. well, you won't thank me, because we won't be speaking, but you'll sort of thank me with a special look, the look a dog gives you to let you know he loves you.
it was paradise. at least for a tiny little while.
ugnh.
oook. oook.
ooka.
puff, don't.
then i shot nathan.
he's dead.
no. this is the end of the road. there's a dead human being here. for all of his faults, he was a human being, and certainly a victim of his culture as much as anybody.
puff, what happened to you is as much my fault as nathan's. maybe more so, because i knew it was wrong and i went along with it anyway. i'm taking responsibility for the murder. i want you to go back to your old life.
no. go back to the woods. this is a sacrifice i need to make. in my world we have something called penance. it's another abstraction, but i had the concept drummed into my head during my years in the convent. it doesn't exist for you, and it shouldn't. see, i could never be free again anyway, so i might as well be in jail.
that's what i'm counting on.
okay. if you think it will help.