i don't even know what sorry means anymore.
i don't even know what sorry means anymore. it's odd. when i was alive i knew -- maybe it was all i knew -- but here sorry is meaningless. love is meaningless. jealousy is meaningless. ambition is meaningless. everything that motivated my every breath while i was alive is meaningless now. i guess that's how i can be sure i'm really dead.
i have to say i always hated apes. of course i don't any longer. i don't even know what hate means now. but while alive, i hated apes. i blame my parents. i mean, i don't blame them. i don't know what blame is, really, anymore, but i think they influenced me in my ape-hating tendencies.
meditations on a banana slug was a delightful read.
as do i.
they don't seem to be especially ego driven, this is true.
i have to say that i'm not there yet.
slugdom. sluggishness. whatever you'd call it. i'm not there yet. i still have many human characteristics.
yes. i suppose not. but still. one would like to move along. to move beyond.
i love that you said that. it makes me feel a bit lighter. i've been rather heavy lately. thinking about my childhood. realizing how much a product i am of my upbringing. i've been seeing someone. a therapist.
no no. i'm a psychologist, but i do research. i'm a behaviorist. i work with animals. mice at the moment.
heavens no. my work now is.  right now i'm teaching mice.  well, table manners, to be candid.
quite well, really. it's a lot of work. a lot of reinforcement, mostly positive. right now i've gotten two of my subjects to use napkins. tiny napkins of course.
i hope you don't think me daft. it's important work. it's part of a larger sociological experiment. i'm federally funded.
it's my thesis that if table manners can be taught to mice, they can be taught to humans.
the truth is most people don't have table manners today. and when the foundations of civilized society crumble and disappear, civilized society in its entirely follows closely at its heels.
courtesy, decorum, manners, are all sadly lacking from our daily intercourse. rudeness, vulgarity, meanness are the norm.
ergo if i can teach table manners to mice, i can teach them to humans. if i can teach table manners to humans, i can save the world.
i began going to a therapist when i was in my thirties, because i felt that i wasn't enjoying life the way my friends were. after a time my childhood came up.
i don't think so. no.
why do you ask?
you look wonderful. i'm on top of the world tonight, lila. work is going splendidly and my personal life is .
my god! the fork! the fork!
tell her, harold.  it's just that.  it's nothing. it's just that the outside fork is the salad fork. one goes from the outside in as the dinner progresses.
no biggie.
i'm sorry that i became so upset.
it's only that i really enjoy your company and.
yes, and.
yes. please don't talk with food in your mouth, lila. please. you're so pretty and it only mars your.  i'm sorry. i'm being critical.
it's just that i have some peculiarities, and.
you do?
i don't care. i don't care! like what, for example?
lila moved in with me. did i love her? i thought so. but from my new vantage point i realize that love is nothing more than a messy conglomeration of need, desperation, fear of death, insecurity about penis size, and the self-involved, ego driven need to collect other people's hearts. not that i judge it. listen, i don't want to be dead yet. is there any way to.
no i suppose not. no biggie. anyway, lila moved in. we had our problems, but we both wanted love so badly, we turned a blind eye.
actually, mother and father, you look very, very old. you look terrible.
lila's a nature writer, mother.
of course she does, mother.
what are you doing in there?
i'm sorry about my parents.
i was simply attempting to keep the evening light. you know that i feel similarly to you about nature.
of course. i simply love the.  naturalness of it all.
why certainly!
that's a great idea.
terrific. can't wait!
shaving cream?
darling, did you bring the insect repellent lotion?
oh, and the sun block?
what spf, sweetie?
perfectomundo! we are ready! say, wouldn't it be wonderful to have an insect repellent lotion that also worked as a sun block? think of all the time one would save.
i think i'll get johannsen in chemistry on that. oh! did you bring the first aid kit?
flares?
we could call it "quit bugging me, sunny." get it? sunny. s-u-n-n-y.
i love you so much.
what?
a deer?
it might behoove us to turn back at this point.
if it's a person, why should we go see it? it's not like it's nature or anything. it's just a person. sometimes people who live in the woods don't want to be seen. they live in the woods because they're anti-social, lila. we have to respect that.
this is the way to get ticks, lila. this is it. bingo! lyme disease! you've hit the nail on the head here.
oh for god's sa.
oh my god! is he dead? please put something on.
you'll catch cold. it's cold. what do you suppose he is, a survivalist?
feral? don't touch him! he might be diseased! he might.  my god, rabies!
i think we should go. please. before he wakes up and, i don't know, eats us, or whatever feral things do.
actually, i just had an amusing thought.
feral, huh? totally uncontaminated?
it's perfect!
forget mice! actually forget guinea pigs, cats, monkeys, and chimps also. i'm on to stage five: the human subject.
don't you see? he's my tabula rasa, my eliza dolittle. he's my ticket to the top of the behaviorist food chain. he's going to make me famous.
is he, lila? is he happy living filthy and naked alone in this tick infested wilderness? never to know the love of a good woman, never to revel in the pitter-patter of little feet, never to read moby dick, or marvel at a monet, or just sit back after a day of hard but rewarding work, smoke a pipe, and wonder about the nature of reality.
freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose, lila, to quote janet jackson.
belonging to something, a person or a society, is a basic human craving. we are communal creatures. this poor soul has no one, nothing.
what is it that makes us human, if not the knowledge that we are indeed human? think of this poor soul's education as the greatest gift we could bestow upon.
great. grab his feet. we'll throw him in the trunk.
good morning.
only three shocks. a chimp takes fifteen. this is going to be tres simple, no, gabrielle?
good morning.  we need a name for him, don't we?
you decide. today is your day.
puff it is then. puff bronfman. is that okay?
good morning, puff bronfman. i'm dr. bronfman and this is my assistant gabrielle. we're your mommy and daddy while you are here.
how about some salad, son?
oh, hi, gabrielle.
no. don't be. i really enjoy hearing that. you're a terrific assistant.
well, i don't know. i'm actually on my way to.
no. don't be silly. it's just.
not at all.
of course not.
there there.
listen, you're the best assistant i've ever had.  gabrielle.
what are you doing in there?
hello? oh, hi.  gabrielle!
uh-huh. right, gabrielle. right.
absolutely, gabrielle. someone from work! sorry about that, gabrielle. uh-huh. exactly.
excuse me one second, would you, gabrielle?
look, lila, when i'm on a work.
your entire body?
you have to shave? like an ape?
don't quibble. you know what i mean.
mad? i'm i'm.  disgusted!
i have to think! i have to think!
i don't get it. i don't get it. i don't get it. how could i find myself in this mess? this is a mess. this is not a situation i understand. this is a mess. how do i extricate myself from this mess? is my girlfriend a man? i don't understand. this is not part of any plan. she deceived me. she has hair. but am i being fair? so what if she has hair? who am i to judge? i have hair. but i'm supposed to have hair. i am a man. men are supposed to have hair. but poor lila. think of what she's had to go through. the courage she's had to have in the face of this abomination of nature. i should love her all the more. i should love every hair on her body. i mean, she doesn't mind that i have a mortifyingly small.
gabrielle. no, i'm sorry if i startled you. i came to think. god, did i hang up on you?
no. i just got distracted. i'm so sorry.
oui. now you've got me talking french.
i'm in my p.j.'s, too. funny, huh?
our? oh! he seems fine. i guess we woke him. the lights and all.
when you were a little french girl?
that would be good.
maybe we should just sit for a while. it's very peaceful.
yes. happy happy.
i'm fine. life is funny, that's all.
i shouldn't say this, but you're pretty, gabrielle. it's unprofessional, i know.
really? no. not at all. you're a very pretty girl. you should know that. you should be confident.
it's true. i wouldn't lie.
so soft. so smooth. i'm sorry. it's just.
was that okay? i mean, was i able to.  satisfy you?
really? wow! that's that's terrific to hear from someone so.  feminine, so female.
i'm glad you're female. do you think our boy witnessed the primal scene?
nothing, my darling. all is right with the world.
excellent, puff. now, the lady you're with excuses herself to go powder her nose.
perfect. perfect, puff!
shit. hi, honey.
good. making progress.
everything's fine, honey. we don't need to talk. besides i have to work late.
okay, we'll have dinner tonight.
yeah. okay. be home around seven. bye. what? i'm sorry. what was i supposed to do?
you don't abandon somebody because they have a physical problem.
funny. i still feel guilt. even dead. one would've hoped.  but alas. you know, i really did love lila. but with her.  problem.  and then when gabrielle revealed her feelings. and gabrielle was so.  conventionally female. and she had an accent. i was lost from that moment on. but gabrielle was right. i couldn't admit it to myself, this shallowness of character, let alone to lila.
of course not.
no.
i'm just preoccupied.
yeah. it's nice. it's really good.
shh. it's okay. it's okay, lila. you're what i want. you know that. you're exactly what i want.
sure. of course.
that's great.
that's great. it's a great color for you.
so anyway, that's the nightmare i've been having lately.
no, why?
oh, i see. yes, that's something to think about. that's very good. that's what you get the big bucks, right? ha ha.
i love lila. i mean, she's a wonderful person. and.  she loves me! that's no small potatoes. i mean she really loves me. she's sacrificed so much to be in this relationship with me. and she's a good person. a truly good person. how rare is that in this world, eh? and how could i stop loving somebody because of a little physical imperfection, if it can even be called that. i mean, god knows i'm not perfect! what about my eyesight? it's lousy, that's what! lila's not going to leave me because of my eyesight. what about my penis?
bravo, puff! bravo!
isn't puff doing spectacularly, honey?
gabby, what is it?
fine.
very well.
my little french.
what is it?
gabby, you know i'm trying to sort things out.
i love you so much, gabrielle.
but i don't know how to leave lila.
now there's a butt, nathan.
the back door of a movie theater. yes, indeed.
nothing. hard day. gonna have a drink.
thanks.
cruddy, okay? are you satisfied?
my assistant quit today. okay? he was highly valuable to the project.
i guess.
have you?
really?
how come?
such as what womanly things?
i let her sell her soul. i stood by as she did it. it's inexcusable. at the time though i thought it might help.
bravo to you, puff!
unnhh.
urgh.
i'm glad.  my assistant.
i think he's ready.
now, puff, we're leaving on the electronic collar. i don't think we'll need to shock you, but just in case.
no, puff! bad!
this is great, puff. you're doing fine.
puff, no!
lila! tell him.
thank you very much for that.
humor me, puff. it's essential that i am able to trust you to function independently in the world.
lila?
good. you're doing fine.
excellent.
you're doing very nicely, puff. i'm pleased.
great.
excellent work, puff. extra desert tonight.
tomorrow, the acid test.
very well.
puff, why don't you order first?
puff, i'm proud of you! you did remarkably well under difficult circumstances.
and because you did so well, we have a little surprise for you.
even better.
free to come and go as you please. there's some "mad money" in the night table drawer.
i trust that you'll make good, mature decisions. i trust that you'll do the proper thing.
good. remember, when in doubt: don't ever do what you really want to do.
i'm going to go down and check on puff. see how he's holding up.
nah. you just relax. how's the book?
i won't be long.
hi. it's nathan.
i just want to talk.
please. just one minute of your time.
i've got some things to tell you.
well, i think it would be easier if i could talk to you in person.
well, i think.
what?
well, look, i'm sorry to have bothered you.
god, you're beautiful.
no. you look so beautiful.
i'm.  i'm going to leave lila. i can't stop thinking about you.
no!
that goddamn neanderthal? i'm the one who gave him the idea for the combination bug spray-sun screen! did you know that?!
of course not, that swedish thief! he's a thief of hearts! i love you, gabrielle.
just give me some time to let lila down easily. she's a really nice girl and i don't want to hurt her more than is necessary.
can you ever forgive me?
hey.
yeah. puff and i got into a big, philosophical discussion. he's really quite well read, considering he's only been literate for a month now. he's going to make us famous, lila.
seemed fine. quiet evening enjoying his new digs.
shit.
i've fallen in love with somebody else, lila.
i fucked her! okay? i fucked her. i'm sorry. but that's what the hell i did.
yes.
yeah, well, i'm sorry. the human heart is a strange thing.
lila.
thank you. let's get right to it. here we have puff the day of his capture.
and here he is today, a scant three months later.
puff, why don't you say a few words to the assemblage.
was i? i wasn't a tad stiff?
come on, you two. let's go celebrate!
now the tango.
i think it went swimmingly today. you two make an excellent team.
terrific. we're all going to be rich and famous.
thanks to you, buddy. and your diligence and intelligence and perseverance.
and of course to you, my sweet, for your.  moral support.
no, puff. this man is a midget. in actuality, they prefer to be called "little people." isn't that correct, my good man?
this little person is actually a fully grown adult man, puff, believe it or not, who, due to a genetic anomaly, is miniature but perfectly proportioned. turn, please.
now, my diminutive friend, what can i do for you?
what is this about? we have no money on these premises. please if you are from some little person terrorist fringe group.
lila?
lila, you don't intend to hurt us, do you?
i don't know. something's missing.
so, mother and father, how's godspell going?
i'm glad.
i don't know.
i want our boy back.
that bitch. i worked so hard. we worked so hard, you and i. he would've made us famous.
i know. and that's great. but it would be great in a better way, not a better way but a different way, if i could find him and bring him back.
i have some thoughts. i think that hairy bitch is somewhere trying to turn him back into an ape.
you better believe they're dirty! and smelly! and messy! and they don't know their forks from their assholes!
i'm going alone. this could be dangerous.
a little resistance would be nice, damn it.
no.
aha!
no luck yet, my sweet.
aha! finally. i've covered almost the entire seaboard and parts of eastern ohio.
oh please, is that as articulate as you can be after all the time i spent teaching you? we've discussed wittgenstein, for christ's sake. not that you ever had anything very original or challenging to say on the subject.
down from the tree. both of you. keep your hands where i can see them. don't want you pulling any weapons out of your fur.
look at you two. you both disgust me.
shut up! i gave you.  life. i created you in my image, puff. i took you from this primordial ooze and brought you into the world of culture and art and manners. and this is how you repay me? by heading back to the ooze first chance you get? i should leave you here with lila the ape woman. it would serve you right, you ungrateful piece of crap. but i'm not going to. you're too valuable to me. totally selfish of me. you serve my purpose. but if you had any smarts you would realize that i serve your purpose as well. life is so much more delightful when lived in a silk suit.
don't worry, lila. you can stay. i don't have any interest in you anymore. c'mon, monkey boy.
now!
puff, put the gun down.
let's be reasonable human beings here. we're all reasonable human beings, aren't we?
look, why don't you and lila stay here and have your natural life. i'll just go on my way. you'll never see me again.
no.
then puff shot me. then i died. that's all i know. that's the end of my story. do i get to go to heaven now? or is it.  hell? or.  what? i just stay here, is it? i just stay here and tell it again? and after that? again? and after.  yes. yes, of course.
i don't even know what sorry means anymore. it's odd. when i was alive i knew -- maybe it was all i knew.