well, if it isn't humpty-numpty.
with respect, i haven't finished. if it isn't humpty-numpty, sitting on top of a collapsing wall like some clueless egg- cunt.
okay, that's enough of the fucking oxbridge pleasantries.
shut it, love, actually, or i'll hole- punch your face.
you know me, malcy, kid gloves. made from real kids.
right, butch and gaydance, this wall story is playing badly. look, here's a cartoon of you as a walrus.
they're builders. what did you expect?! have you ever seen a film where the hero is a builder? no. because they never turn up in the fucking nick of time.that's why you never see a superhero with a hod.
okay, your phone's off, which means you've been shot dead by a fat american, but there's been a fucktastrophe. someone's leaked liza weld's pwip pip paper to the bbc. i reckon it'll be on the six o'clock news here, one o'clock your time, so it's going to fist your fucking vote apart. missing you loads, pwip-pip, toodle-oo!
was it you?
not you. i know it wasn't you, you're too fucking horny for your knighthood.
was it fucking you!? answer the question!
fuck off to your room, count of cunty cristo, this is between me and her. you leaked liza weld's paper to the bbc. tell me you leaked it.
you're lying. you touched your nose. that's what's called a `tell'. you are lying.
`no i'm not.' that's a tell as well. classic. i know the leak came from here, from this fucking fax machine here.
this is what i'm doing to the machine. you see? this is how angry i am with the piece of office equipment which leaked this document, so can you imagine how angry i am with the person who did it? yeah? can you suzy?
oh fuck off. don't come over all spartacus now.
what?
okay for a start turn that fucking row off. it's just fucking vowels. listen to it. just subsidised fucking foreign vowels. you only listen to that shit because it's bad form to actually wear a big hat that says "i went to private school".
who did you leak it to?
ok. see this fax machine? that's your career. i'm pretty sure it's fucked. let me just check . yeah, it is. plus, breach of official secrets, so that's fucking swannee. maybe you can get a part time job in west end as a gentleman's fluffer. or whatever the fuck they call it these days.
no, no. i will not allow this to be a bang. this will be a whimper, a tiny pathetic whimper like a puppy being fucked by a big metal puppy-fucking machine. and they do exist, `cos my gran's got one.
right, frank and nancy sinatra. i've got good news. you're not fired. that's great news, isn't it?
he's fucking delighted. we want to put liza weld's pwip pip out there, properly. in the public domain. we just have to refine it a bit.
take out the cons, change the name of the main informant.
changing his name doesn't make a difference. the main source in there he's not really called ice man, is he? "mr and mrs man, you've got a son, ice." so we change it, to another name. who's the fuck with the fiddle? the fiddlefuck.
okay, we'll call him debussy.
and then you'll make a couple of other changes. it'll mean your fingerprints are on it, mikey, but it's the only way to save your job, you leaky fuck.
what? oh, that thing about your fax? don't worry about that. i made that up. the paper was sent by e-mail. it;s just, the fax machine was there and it;s easier to kick.
come on deuce bigalow. you're coming with me.
this is nice isn't it? cosy. away from prying eyes.
yeah it's all fine.
go to page nine.
do you mean select?
select page nine to the end of the document.
you mean selected, yeah it's selected.
delete!
oh hang on malc. michael's stopped moving. i think he's crashed. malcolm types something on the laptop while toby holds it up for him.
hang on, i think i might be able to use manual over-ride.
no, it's okay. it's working again.
attach that to an email.
well done michael. you did a good job. you did a really, really good job.