hi. you're early. i was just masturbating.
a little frustrated at the moment. also equally depressed and pessimistic about our date tonight. i'm jennifer.
not me. i don't find you attractive. come on in.
i need to finish getting ready. while doing that i might realize i'm still horny and try to finish masturbating without you hearing.
yeah, i'm disappointed you're early and not really looking forward to tonight in general, but the thought of being alone the rest of my life scares both my mother and i equally.
i just masturbated.
shall we go?
after you.
i'm only doing this as a favor for my cousin greg. he keeps begging me to go out on a date with you. he says you're funny.
where are we eating tonight?
you obviously don't have very much money but that's not necessarily a deal breaker.
i also don't really care about a guy who knows all the latest, hippest restaurants.
in fact, there are very few things in life that i care about all that much. the only things i have to offer myself or anyone else are my good looks and my affected sense of quirkiness which artistically inclined men interpret as intellect.
hello.
this isn't as nice as i remember it.
hello.
i'll start with your mango margarita and probably have three more drinks by the end of the night.
i get up at eight in the morning because the noise from my alarm clock interrupts my sleep, so i lean over and.
well what did you want to know?
yes.
i have a job at an office.
just typing and filing and stuff.
no. but i enjoy the end result of the job which is money. and the hours are pretty good for the amount of money i make, which i spend on things i like, such as clothes, hiking, drinking -- even though i know it's bad for me.
well you already know a lot about me. you know i'm good looking because.  well.  here i am. you know i'm successful because you've seen my apartment and the clothes i'm wearing. and you know i'm happy because i'm smiling.
usually. some days i stay in bed eating and crying.
okay.
i'll have a caesar salad with chicken because i think i'm fat but i also think i deserve something that tastes good.
sorry, one second.
it's my mother, this won't take long. probably checking in on our date.
hello? yes, i'm with him right now. no, not very attractive. no, doesn't make much money. he's all right though. seems nice. kind of funny. a bit fat. funny little snub nose. no, i won't be sleeping with him tonight. nope, probably not even a kiss. okay, you too. bye.
sorry about that.
she's all right.
no.
i actually had a better time than i thought i'd have, but i won't know for sure how i feel about you until i'm less drunk.
i might.
hello?
hello? i can hear you breathing. is this a rapist?
are you gonna hang up on me again?
why would you do that?
congratulations. i gotta go.
you're better looking?
have you been to the gym?
did you buy better clothes?
okay, fine.
most likely it'll be our last date though, so just know that.
no it wasn't. did you not hear what i said?
bye.
congratulations on selling your script today.
everyone needs to eat.
i'll have the duck. and i think you look like a little rat faced man.
things seem to be turning around for you.
it's not every day you unearth a monumental historical event and sell it for a ton of money.
oh.
oh.
thank you.
tell me something about your family. i really don't know much about you.
sad.
what kind of crime?
oh, that's sweet.
where is she?
i know, right?
that's nice.
what would be the point?
well, i do like you. and i enjoy your company.
unfortunately, none of that changes the fact that you'd still be contributing half of the genetic code to our children.
i'm so sorry, mark.
do you want to come inside?
hi.
you've been gone for twenty minutes and i turn on the t.v to see you on every station. what's going on? this is seriously the weirdest thing.
they're saying that you know something different about what happens after you die.
mark, what do you know? what did you tell your grandmother last night? what's going on?
okay.
just tell me what you told your grandmother.
what you said obviously affected a lot of people. i don't think you have the choice to keep it in now.
just tell me what you said. please, mark.
how do you know these things?
you have to tell them everything you know. this is too big. you have no choice.
how did your grandmother feel when you told her these things?
and how did that make you feel?
think how good it will feel to do the same for all of these people.
i'll go tell them.
of course it is. you know something that's going to change mankind forever. it's the most important thing the world has ever heard.
shut up. let him work.
are you ready?
just tell them what you know
i just saw three people climbing the fence into your backyard. you really need to think about getting better security. (noticing beer cans
you haven't left the house in weeks. every time i come by you're just sitting here writing down stories you get from the man in the sky.
don't you think you should go outside sometime? you know there's about five thousand people on our lawn waiting to ask you questions.
what's with you? you seem sad.
i don't get it. you're a very successful writer, you've won countless awards and oscars.
you've changed the way people see the world, the way they see death and life. you've made the entire world happy.
i know. not you. the one person who should be happy, the person who has everything.
what else do you want?
well, you've got me. as a friend.
because of the whole snub nosed thing. with kids, your genetics. you know, fat, short.
what?
does it?
right. too bad.
i've got a date.
rob marlowe.
not to me. he's very sweet and kind to me.
it would?
why not? he's a great match for me.
we talked about this. if you and i got together it wouldn't be fair to our kids. they have the right to be attractive and have good genes.
a lot of things have changed. i wish you could be happy.
that's him. gotta go.
it was his idea.
i'll call you tomorrow.
it's me. can i come in?
i know. i've been busy with work and things. and i'm getting married. that's why i came over. to tell you.
the wedding is tomorrow.
i hope you'll come.
it would make me happy. being around you makes me happy.
i only have a few years to marry someone with good genes and financial stability so i can have children and the family i've always wanted. one day i'll be old and wrinkly and ugly.
what do you mean?
you're confusing me.
i'm going to go.
i don't feel all right.
no. i don't think there's a word for what i have.
i'm sorry, hold on one second. rob, can i ask you something?
what color are my eyes?
no rob, they're blue.
i do.
i don't know. yes?
i'm confused.
is any of it.  the things you said.  are they.  i can't think of the word.
why'd you say there was?
but how could you say something that.  wasn't.
and what did you mean that i could grow old and ugly and still be beautiful to you?
but what if my looks.
i feel funny.
i know what i want.
i want short, fat kids with little snub noses.
does anyone else know about your invention?
should we tell them right away?
yes.
	95:
the beast, it came at me. it smash my cave.
now fuck off, loser going back to sleep.
that lowly caveman who stumbled upon the ability to lie went on to become chief of his village, married dozens of cavewomen, and passed on the lying gene to hundreds of newborn cave-children.
over time lying spread throughout the world, sparking the eventual birth of imagination itself, story- telling, religion, and the oh-so- important polite lie, as in, "oh patty, have you lost weight? you look fantastic."
the world would be a very different place if events had gone otherwise on that prolific, paleolithic eve. if not for that night, man would have never acquired the ability to lie to himself and to others.
a world without lying would be a world without dreams. a world without pretense. a world without fiction. a world without flattery. a world very unlike our own.
the beast, it came at me. it smash my cave.
all of a sudden i got extremely angry!
but i'd rather just get all the money and not work for the results.
and so napoleon invaded russia with a brute force of nearly seven hundred thousand men behind him armed with muskets and supported by canon brigades.
through the devastating snow they marched, crippled by disease and hunger, napoleon's men marched on.
i also hear he's most likely getting fired today.
you're fired?
i don't like white people even more though. i fucking hate white people. i fucking hate people.
no, it's mark. i'm sorry.
i think i'm about to be homeless.
my name is doug.
doug is good. it suits you.
okay, guys. i'm black.
i'm sorry, i'm just so scared. i don't want the world to end.
well, i hate assholes. get out of here.
did you invent a new kind of bike?
he's not drunk.
where are we going?
all right. bye, frank.
i've discovered something today very important.  and very powerful.
that's very sweet.
i'm very scared that you're mad at me about the whole firing thing.
i love sports.
on the very first day of the fourteenth century, a momentous occasion occurred. it began as a day much like any other. the sun rose, the people awoke, workers began to work, babies began to cry. but all of that was interrupted when a giant flying space ship crashed down from the skies and landed in the heart of babylon.
as the smoke cleared, the door to the spaceship opened and inside, were hundreds of beautiful, half naked alien women.
and then the ninja army unleashed a giant fireball that brought the robot dinosaur to its knees, saving mars, earth and the nude amazonian alien women all in one sweeping motion. the earth was saved. jebediah and aleena were allowed to marry by alien king xardon. it was to be the first human-nude amazonian alien woman wedding, and no expenses would be spared. all of babylon and mars were invited to join in the celebrations.
the wedding was held on a brisk summers day on mars, with all of the survivors of the great ninja war and the black plague present. they feasted and danced and laughed and it was a joyous occasion.
and i enjoy your company.
what can i get you?
i've had a crush on you ever since i saw a picture of you on greg's refrigerator two years ago.
i hope you're not there.
and that maybe we could be together. romantically.
i don't want short, fat kids with little snub noses.
what?
what?
this is it mark, only a few hours left of this until an eternity of nothingness.
i'm going to see my mother again when i die.
there he is!
i know.  some things. some very important things. and i'm going to share these things with you now.
number one: there is a man who lives in the sky who controls everything. number two.
tall. big hands. a good head of hair.
number three: in that place every person will get a mansion.
number four: when you die, all the people you love will be there too.
number five: when you die there will be free ice cream. all day. all night. whatever flavor you can think of.
i've done many of those bad things. is there anything i can do to not go to the bad place? help me, i'm so scared.
am i fine?
what about me?
number seven: the man in the sky who controls everything decides if you go to the good place or the bad place. he also decides who lives and who dies.
wait!
number eight: even if the man in the sky does bad shit to you, he makes it up to you by giving you an eternity of good stuff after you die.
well, that's it. that's everything i know.
the man in the clouds told me.
tell them it's for kids!
not everything.
it's almost a shame that being rich and powerful and famous doesn't change your genetics.
anyway, i've come to tell you i can't go to the movies with you tonight.
don't go out with him.
if rob and i get married you can move into our mansion with us when we all die.
somehow by changing the outside, he's also changed the inside!
you're not up there living in a mansion. you're right here. in the ground. that's all. and i'm the only one who knows that.
and the one thing i want i can't have. because the world is too stupid to change. the world only cares about what they can see, and what they can know, and what they're used to and what.  makes sense. no one listens to what they really want. and that's why i'll always just be a loser, grandma. and that's why i'll always be alone.
i want you. what do you want?
my invention.
sure. but what are you doing?
oh, they're brown.
hold on a minute!
is there a man in the sky?
everything is so hard. nothing is easy anymore.
easy! that's an easy one.
that lowly writer who stumbled upon the ability to lie went on to become one of the most important men of his age, married to one of the most beautiful women of his time, and passed on the lying gene to generations to come.
a world without honesty is a world with dreams. a world with pretense. a world with fiction. a world with flattery. and most importantly, a world with true love. put simply, a world very much like our own.