that makes me think of your vagina. i'm mark, how are you?
i hope this date ends in sex.
i feel awkward and i regret being early.
i have an erection now because i assume you began masturbating once we stopped talking.
i'm embarrassed because i think the restaurant i've made reservations at might not be expensive enough or hip enough to impress you, but it was the best i could do because i don't make very much money. you see, i'm forty years old and have no real financial assets to speak of, i've never owned a home, and never had a significant relationship. my boss even told me today that i'm most likely going to get fired tomorrow and.
that makes me very horny.
sure.
greg's a good friend.
a cute little place called la bonisera in west hollywood.
i have very little money.
i don't know any of them.
i found that boring and started thinking about this place's fish tacos.
what are we going to talk about?
two, please.
hello.
i'll have a budweiser.
yup.
i'm going to ask you some questions about your life because that's what you do, but i'll only really listen to about half of what you're saying.
how do you spend your days?
that's a little more specific than i expected.
do you have a job?
what job do you have?
what do you do?
do you enjoy it?
sure. tell me more. i'm trying to get a little insight into you.
are you always happy?
sure.
i'm ready.
i'll have the fish taco's because i had them once here and it's all i know.
don't think twice. how is your mom?
fantastic.
thanks for going on this date with me. you're way, way out of my league and i know you were just doing it as a favor to greg, and that most likely i'll never hear from you again.
give me a call if you still like me once you're sober.
thanks for kissing me on the cheek, i know you didn't have to do that and.
 you're very pretty. thank you!
not so good. last night i went on a date with a girl i've had a crush on for years who will most likely never call me again and i'm pretty sure i'm going to get fired today. you?
see you tomorrow.
hi shelley. i'm still attracted to you today.
any messages?
nobody else called? no calls to do with actual work?
next time i'd rather you took down the messages just in case i don't get fired.
well, it hasn't happened yet.
okay, i'll be in my office.
anthony, don't fire me.
they were about the black plague! it's the 1300's anthony, what else am i going to write about!
no! i can make it work!
is there anyway you could do it now? i'd rather not put it off.
damn.
she's a really good writer, too.
i often fantasized about you naked.
i have no idea. but i have very little hope for the future.
bye, shelley.
please don't make me feel worse. or actually whatever, go ahead, i don't think i could possibly feel worse.
well, now i feel worse.
i already have. martha bellison. i'm her grandson.
you say that every time i'm here.
oh grandma, that is so depressing. come on, at least stare at the ceiling or something.
the television isn't broken. you probably sat on the remote and changed it to channel two again.
see, you had it on the wrong channel. it needs to be on channel three in order for the satellite to work.
i can't understand what it feels like to be you so it just irritates me and makes me think you're stupid. but i also love you and wish things were better for you.
grandma, i lost my job today. i'm forty years old. i'm completely alone and i've got absolutely no prospects for anything.
i'm just so tired of life. why does life have to be so.  what's the word? don't you sometimes wish you could change things? don't you sometimes wish you weren't such a loser?
of course you're a loser, grandma. our family is made up of losers. we're all poor, we're all average looking, we're all only moderately intelligent, we're all lonely and unloved.
yeah, but i'm not talking about the past, grandma. i'm talking about right now. and right now we're both losers, grandma. we're both shitty, shitty losers. don't you know that?
i'd rather be dead than be homeless. that's why i need to get out there and find a job. if i have to be homeless, i'm going to kill myself.
i love you too, grandma.
i'll start looking for a job tomorrow.
hey, thanks for setting me up with your cousin by the way.
very.
it felt nice to go out with someone that pretty. like for just one moment i experienced what it would be like to be the type of person someone like that would date. it felt good. doesn't matter anyway. i will always be just who i am right now: average looking, of average intelligence with an average personality. just a completely generic human being.
by a good margin.
i really wish i had a better friend than you.
i don't know. guess i'll start looking for another crappy job.
i'm going to go now. you're seriously depressing me. i really wish i was cool enough to have a better friend than you.
yeah.
shut the fuck up, i don't even have a job!
i was going to come talk to you about that. i got fired yesterday.
well, i haven't got it.
i think i've got about three hundred dollars in my bank account.
i know. i haven't got it.
how am i supposed to do that?
oh, fuck me.
i'd like to make a withdrawal.
i've just been evicted from my apartment so i need to withdraw what i have left in my account so i can move my things out. i guess i need to close out my account to do that.
well, i'd like to withdraw eight hundred dollars.
all of it. just whatever is left.
eight hundred dollars.
i have eight hundred dollars in my bank account.
yup.
large bills.
it's no problem.
paying my rent.
it was amazing. i went in to the bank and the system was down and i was going to take out three hundred dollars but she asked me how much i'd like to take out and.
i found it. lying on the street.
give me my key back.
today i stumbled upon something no man has ever stumbled upon before. what i have done today they will write about in history books for generations to come. and yet, only moments ago.  it was unfathomable not only to myself, but to mankind as a whole. what i have found there is no word for. and it was as simple as.  .  how do i explain this.
 i said something.  that wasn't.
i said something.  that.  wasn't. i.  what's the word i'm looking for? well, there is no word. of course there's not, i just invented it.
here. watch. jim.
come on guys. are you serious? what's my name?
no. my name is mark.
you guys aren't following me.
fuck it, i'm an eskimo.
okay, i'm a pirate.
okay then, i'm a lion tamer.  and i have purple hair.
i invented the bicycle.
i give up. and i'm bored.
guys, if you had the power to make things the way you wanted them, what would you do first?
pretty much.
specifically the ass?
alright then, let's try that.
out.
wait!
this isn't right.
just calm down for one second.
hello.  nasa? yes, it's.  me. oh, good. that's very good news. good news indeed.
we're going to be okay. the world isn't going to end. everyone is going to be fine.
okay, i gotta go.
i'm an asshole.
that was one of the worst experiences of my life.
what else would you do if you could do anything in the world?
what else though. what's the second thing you'd do.
i'd get money. i'd get all the money.
yeah. let's do that. greg, let's go.
we're going on a trip.
thanks for driving man, i'm completely plastered.
wait, officer. don't do that.
how much does it cost to bribe you?
wait.
good idea.
that was awesome!
you're gonna be all right, greg.
vegas, baby. vegas.
sure we do.
sure it will.
chips please.
i know.
i know.
i know.
we'll both have beers and we'll take them at that roulette table over there.
it's okay. i'm feeling lucky.
just watch.
i'm on twenty-seven red.
that's nothing. watch this.
i'm on nine black. these are all mine.
i don't think i should. lets go play slots.
hi, i just won a major jackpot on this slot machine but no money came out.
thank you.
well, sort of.
we couldn't lose.
i've got a system.
and then what?
why put it on black? why stop there? put it on a number and get thirty five times back.
hold on, i think i found a flaw in your plan. how can they pay us if we have all the money in the world?
well, they can't because we've got it all.
we already own the casino. we've got all the money in the world. we'll be betting against ourselves.
we own that one too. we won that.
yup.
yes.
i'm listening.
brilliant.
hey there, frank.
pretty good, thanks.
yeah. you?
oh.
frank!
don't do it.
i'll care.
don't do it, frank. things are going to be all right.
yes. you're going to meet someone soon. you won't be so lonely. things are going to turn around at your job.
well, things are going to get better. better than they are.
it will go away very soon. you're going to be happy soon, frank. you just need to wait for it. listen to me: you don't need to kill yourself.
really.
it wasn't.
i don't know. not really.
sure. of course. let's hang out.
great.
i'm as excited as i've ever been in my entire life, and equally scared.
in just a few hours since i stumbled upon my discovery i have seen its potential for evil and i have seen its potential for good.
i must be careful with my discovery, for at this point i barely understand it, let alone think i have the power to control it. all i know is that if i'm not careful i could easily do irreparable damage to the world, or even cause my own premature death.
now, to explain my invention. in essence, my creation is the act of saying words that simply are not. for example, if i tell someone that my eyes are blue, then it simply becomes fact. i still know that, indeed, my eyes are brown, but no one else is aware of this fact, so therefore i have blue eyes.
whoever is reading this, go ahead and try it. tell someone your eyes are a different color then they are. i think you'll be amazed at the results. it's so simple and yet.  so powerful.  this thing i've invented.
au revoir, future reader, au revoir.
jennifer. it's mark.
no. maybe. who knows. i'm calling because i want to ask you out on another date.
i discovered something yesterday. i found out i can pretty much have my life anyway i want it from now on.
wait, and i know you said you didn't want to date me ever again, but i'm different now. things have changed. i think i'm in your league now.
no. i'm not better looking. i'm just more.  powerful. i think you have to see it for yourself.
no, i haven't been to the gym. it's just.  it's amazing. things are different for me now. you have to see this. i think you'll hardly recognize me.
no, look can we just meet up?
jennifer, if there was even a glimmer of something about me that you liked, please say yes. you even admitted that we got along well. just give me one more chance. just one little teensy, tiny date.
fantastic. tomorrow night. i'll pick you up at eight.
yeah, no i was being.  . there's no word for it. see you tomorrow night.
rob marlowe, your streak of success has finally come to an end.
i'm not mad at all.
when you fired me, i was very depressed.
and so i left this building and i just started walking. and i walked all the way out of town. and then i walked into the desert and i fell asleep under a tree.
and when i woke up i found this strange old chest sticking out of the ground. so i started digging. and i unearthed a very old and ancient box. probably, oh.  about.  seven hundred years old. and inside the box.  .  was this.
it's a never-before-heard historical event from the past.
the 1300's.
this one isn't about the black plague. well it isn't just about the black plague. let me read you some of this.
anthony, get excited about this. this is a brand new event from history that no one has ever heard before. it's a great human discovery.
the greatest movie lecture films has ever made.
the black plague.
thanks. thank you for having dinner with me.
i don't want to know what it is, i just want to order the most expensive thing on the menu.
today is the best day of my life. hands down. easy. best day.
that wasn't the best part. it was great, but it wasn't the peak of my day.
the best part of my day today is right now, sitting at this table here with you.
you're the most beautiful woman i've ever seen in my life, and you're special.  and it makes me happy to be around you.
ah, my family. we're what you'd probably call "not lucky". my whole family is kind of marked by tragedy, bad luck and general.  shittiness. it goes back a long ways and could probably drive someone to suicide just hearing about it, so i'll keep it simple. my mom died when i was six. cancer.
and my dad got real depressed and lost his job. out of work and with a kid to raise he had no choice but to turn to a life of crime.
he was a robber. houses mostly.
he was a very unlucky man. he spent his last days behind bars. i never really knew him. but i guess i've also had a little luck in my life. i did have a wonderful grandmother who raised me.
yeah, she's great.
old person's home obviously. who wants to live with that? gross.
but i'm going to get her out of there tomorrow.
they look fine to me.
right. i was thinking that since i'm going to be rich and successful now that i might be in your league.
well, i don't know, maybe we might enjoy it. maybe we'd be good together and could have a happy life, raise a family together.
good. fantastic.
sure.
hello?
grandma, they just called me. what's going on? are you okay?
what do the doctors say?
what?
what are you talking about she's going to die?
fuck.
grandma!
listen closely to me, grandma. i have a surprise for you.
you're wrong about what happens when you die. it's not an eternity of nothingness.
when you die you're going to go to your favorite place in the whole world. and you're going to be with all of the people you've ever loved and who have ever loved you. and you're going to be young again, and you'll be able to run through the fields and dance and jump, and there will be no sadness, no pain, just love and laughing and happiness. there will be ponies made of gold, and everyone will live in giant mansions, and everything will smell like cookies. and it will last for an eternity, grandma. an eternity.
do your jobs!
you're going to be happy forever, grandma. i promise you. say hello to my mom for me. tell her i love her.
damn it.
i think i just did something bad.
hi.
who are you people?
fine, fine, just give me a minute.
remember last night when i said i think i did something bad? well now i know i did something bad.
hold on.
fuck.
i can't explain it all right now. why don't you come over?
come up quick, they look like they could get out of hand any second.
i don't think i should. who knows what could happen next? i'm just going to keep my mouth shut from now on.
sure i do. i could just walk out that door and get on a plane and go to namibia. no one knows me in namibia.
my grandmother was dying, and she was terrified, shaking all over. she didn't want to just become nothingness. so i told her that when she died there wouldn't be nothingness. that she would be with all of the people she loved who had died and that she would live an eternity of joy and happiness.
but you don't understand. the words i said.  they weren't.  it's not right.
happy. at peace.
good.
okay. but i need a few hours to get my thoughts together.
wait! are you sure this is right?
i didn't.
i'm done.
i guess.
i feel like i should be reading these off of something other than just notebook paper. i wish they were like, written on large tablets or even just nicer paper or something.
feels better.
hello.
oh, thanks.
wow.
so. i guess you've all heard the things i told my grandmother last night and.  i understand why you're here.
everything you want to know is written here. on this old pizza box.
he's a new ethnicity. it's like a mix of all of our ethnicities.
no. he lives much higher than the clouds, too high to see.
no, not that high.
look, people i got a lot to get through here. i'm just telling you what i know: man. lives in the sky. you can't see him. controls everything. cool?
number two: when you die you don't disappear into an eternity of nothingness. instead, you go to a really great place.
i don't know. whatever kind of mansion you're thinking of right now.
look, it's the best mansion you can think of, not just now, but ever. whatever the best mansion for you can possibly be, that's the one you'll get.
yes, of course. everyone gets a mansion.
if they want to live with you, they can leave their mansion and live in yours.
i don't know, it goes back on the market.
no.
okay, they're probably there, but you'll never see them. they're far off, too far for you to get there.
they won't. they hate you too.
well then you're just.  you'll both be fine with it. there's only love there, okay?
but why would you eat bad flavors?
well don't eat it then!
well don't put it on then! what's wrong with you people? i mean.
a terrible place. the worst place imaginable.
murder. crime. rape. things like that.
fine.
yes.
then it's fine.
no.
that's fine too. i mean, you might lose your job if your boss doesn't like it, but it won't effect what happens after you die.
that also is fine. unless the dog dies. then it's bad.
no. you get.  .  three chances. if you do three bad things you're out.
kind of, yes.
any more?
look, can we just move on?
fine. let's start with you.
no. there's no hairstyle that will put you in the bad place. like i've told you, the main things are hurting people physically on purpose, taking people's stuff, doing things to people they don't want done, killing people on purpose. okay? are we good?
well, you didn't know about these bad things until i told you just now so you're fine.
you're all fine! i'm only talking about people who do bad things starting right now. everyone else is fine.
yes.
yes.
yes.
this guy who lives in the sky and controls everything is also responsible for all the good stuff that happens.
yup.
well, yes.
you betcha.
that too.
right. but check this out:
right. of course.
yes. right.
i don't know, he forgot or something. i gotta go people, good night!
you think that went well?
so then the flying duck flew all the way to alaska where it met up with a polar bear who could talk. and the polar bear's name was martin. and the polar bear was wearing a green cape. and martin and the flying duck both had race cars with their names printed on the side and.
(continuing; glaring at
yeah.
hey, don't look at me: it's the man in the sky's story.
yeah. tell them to shoot that one this week.
what?
hey, he's the boss.
yeah, yeah.
not the entire world.
i'd trade it all in for you. all of it.
yeah. that's important.
yeah. okay. yup.
it would be great if it changed your genetic material because i really love you but i just don't.
it does change your genetics.
no. no, it doesn't. our kids would be short and fat with little snub noses.
why not?
what? with who?
you've got to be fucking.  rob marlowe?!? he's a complete and total asshole.
well of course he is, look at you. i mean, for fuck's sake, a shark would be nice to you.
well no, i mean.
what's he got that i don't?
i don't want to move into your fucking mansion. and what are you doing thinking about marriage with him already? you haven't even gone on one date.
it's like nothing's changed.
he's picking you up here?
hey, watch this. hey people!
the man in the sky just told me something!
you're all gay!
and adopted!
i'm gettin' a beer.
out of beer. just coke.
i want to do something big again. like telling the people what happens when they die. that felt good. i gotta do something big like that again.
maybe.
hey, greg. what if i told you that drinking coke was good for you?
and not just coke. but all the delicious foods you're not supposed to eat. what if they were all of a sudden really, really good for you?
gentleman, thank you all for coming here on such short notice. i have some very big news for you all today.
nope, this one i came up with all on my own. and it's going to change the way you all do business.  forever.
up until now, all products sold worldwide have warning labels printed on them. warnings like these.
as you can see, a lot of these products can be very depressing. they remind people of all the horrible things that can happen to them in life. people hate thinking about horrible things.
hear me out, fellas. allow me to introduce you to the future of your companies.
it's the same coke as before.
guys, it's the same coke on the inside. i've just changed the outside.
i didn't do anything, guys. i made this on my computer last night. the plane is exactly the same as it was before.
that's the point here guys. with these new advertising strategies, people will buy your products with abandon.
no. it won't. all you have to do is print these words on the packaging. that's it.
even if you don't understand it, just start shipping these products out to people as you see them here and you're all going to get very, very rich.
look, they're still the same products you have on the shelves right now. the only difference now is that people won't get bummed out or scared when they use them. isn't that a good thing?
gentleman, if you'll excuse me, i have five thousand gay orphans on my front lawn that are going bananas.
you should slow down there, greg.
just because the package says it's not bad for you doesn't mean you have to gorge yourself on it.
that's just stupid.
i wish that worked for me, greg.
nevermind. i'll see you around.
yeah. so are you going to apologize?
nothing's really changed. i gave people the man in the sky, made myself rich and successful, told the world they can eat whatever they want and feel good about it. everyone's happy but me. because i'm the only one who knows it all.  isn't. i made it all up.
who's there?
sure.
haven't seen you much lately.
don't do it.
no point really.
so don't marry him.
no you won't. not to me you won't. i love you. if you really love someone it doesn't matter what they look like.
do me this favor. just one favor. don't accept everything you see. don't just do something because that's the way it's done.
think about what you want. find out what you really want. and if it's not the same as what i want, well then i'll know that and i'll never darken your doorstep again.
please don't. will you just stay a little bit longer? i don't want to be alone. just sit with me.
yeah.
me.
yes i can. you've got shmuck genes.
and i love her. jennifer, don't marry him. is this what you really want?
all right. i'm done. goodbye.
what?
so am i.
no.
because i couldn't cope with the look on my grandmother's face.
i'm not sure. i just did it.
i mean just that. you'll always be beautiful to me.
it doesn't matter.
me too.
what?
no. but i'm sure it won't be long.
i'm not sure. i don't think everyone will understand.
praise the man in the sky.