well! i have been waiting years to do this. look at these morose motherfuckers right here. smells like someone shit in their cereal. bunngg!
no, i was just showering your mother's stink off me after i gave her a quick jump and sent her home. but now that you mention it-- thanks, you know. you could've made the moral of that story you told me a bit more clear.
so what brings you two dirt merchants to my neck of the woods?
you heard about that too, hunh? well, i've got nothing to do with it. that's banky's deal. he owns the property now. i signed my half of the bluntman and chronic right over to him years ago.
because i'm almost thirty, for god's sake--why on earth would i want to keep writing about characters whose central preoccupations are weed and dick and fart jokes? you gotta grow, man. don't you ever want more for yourself? i know this poor, hapless sonovabitch does. i look in his doe eyes and i see a man crying out, "when, lord? when the fuck can your servant ditch this foul-mouthed little chucklehead to whom i am a constant victim of his folly, and who bombards me and those around us with grade-a foolishness that prevents me from even getting to kiss a girl? fuck! when?!
when you're right, you're right. i wish i'd broken off a little piece for myself. because if the buzz is any indication, the movie's gonna make some huge bank.
the internet buzz.
the internet is a communication device that allows people the world over to bitch about movies and share pornography with one another. here's what we're looking for: "movie poopshoot.com"
this is a site full of militant movie buffs: sad bastards who live in their parents' basements, downloading scripts and trading what they believe to be inside info about movies and actors they despise yet can't stop discussing. this is where you go if you wanna hear frustrated would-be filmmakers mouth off with their two- bit, arm-chair-director's opinions on how they all could've made a better episode one.
here. this is about the bluntman movie. "inside sources tell me miramax is starting production this friday on their adaptation of underground comic fave bluntman and chronic."
no, but if it's miramax, i'm sure it'll be ben affleck and matt damon. they put'em in a bunch of movies.
you know--the guys from good will hunting.
yeah, i'm not too big a fan either. though affleck was the bomb in phantoms.
now down here is where you can gauge the buzz. this is the shoot back area. it's where people who read the news get to chime in with their two cents. here's what a guy who goes by the chick-magnet net handle of "wampa- one" thinks about bluntman and chronic. "bluntman and chronic and their stupid alter egos jay and silent bob only work in small doses, if at all. they don't deserve their own movie." he's got a point.
"bluntman and chronic is the worst comic i ever read. jay and silent bob are stupid characters. a couple of stoners who spout dumb-ass catchphrases like a third-rate cheech and chong or bill and ted. fuck jay and silent bob. fuck them up their stupid asses."
a guy who calls himself "magnolia- fan." check out what the guy after him said: "jay and silent bob are terrible, one-note jokes that only stoners laugh at. they're fucking clown shoes. if they were real, i'd beat the shit out of them for being so stupid. i can't believe miramax would have anything to so with this shit. i, for one, will be boycotting this movie. who's with me?" and then there are about fifty more posts from people who agree to join spartacus-here's boycott of the flick.
ah, let it go. number one, they're a bunch of jealous little dicks who use the anonymity of the net to insult people who're doing what they wish they were doing, and number two, they're not really talking about you guys--they talking about bluntman and chronic.
really.
first off, i don't know how good your names really are. secondly, there's not much you can do about stopping this bile. the internet's given everyone in america a voice, and everyone in american has chosen to use that voice to bitch about movies. as long as there's a bluntman and chronic movie, the net-nerds are gonna have something negative to say about it. jay steams, thinking. then, a light dawns on him.
they're not saying anything about you now--they're talking about fictional characters!
yeah, and kiss-off the hundreds of thousands of dollars in royalties you're due in the process. are you fucking retarded? look, i'm probably not alone in the opinion that this flick is the worst idea since greedo shooting first. i mean, a jay and silent bob movie? who would pay to see that?
but since it is happening, you might as well just ignore the idiots on the internet, go find banky, and get your "motherfucking movie check." as you so succinctly put it. that's what's important here.
they start this friday.
it's more like three days.
now that's what i call the blunt leading the blunt.
nights like this, i miss dating a lesbian.