--fuck, fuck, fuck, mother-mother fuck, mother-mother fuck-fuck! mother- fuck-, mother-fuck, mother-fuck, noinch, noinch, noinch, smoking weed, smoking weed, doing coke, drinking beers! drinking beers, beers, beers, rolling fatties, smoking blunts! who smokes the blunts? we smoke the blunts!
fifteen bucks, little man. put the money in my hand. if the money does not show, then you owe-me-owe-me- owe. my jungle love! yes, oh-we-oh-we-oh! i think i want to know ya', know ya'--
you don't know "jungle love"? that shit is the mad notes. written by god herself and handed down to the world's greatest band--the motherfucking time.
bitch, don't you never say an unkind word about the time! me and silent bob modeled our whole fucking lives after morris day and jerome! i'm a smooth pimp who loves the pussy, and tubby here's my black manservant!
yo-youse guys wanna hear something fucked up about him and the quick stop guy?
what the fuck, serpico? what'd we do?
we don't smoke pot, yo.
what? i got a wiping problem. i stick these little pieces of paper over my brown-eye, and bam--no shit stains in my undies. you don't believe me? lemme show you.
just spread my cheeks a little and you can see the fucking stink nuggets--
what? it's suddenly a crime to fart, motherfucker?!
judge said if we go within a hundred feet of the stores, we get thrown into county.
fuck yeah! you know what they make you do in county? toss the fucking salad! i don't like this fuck's asshole; i'm gonna do it for some stranger?
hell yeah, bitch. wait a second--what money?
what the fuck are you babbling about?
what?! since when?
when the fuck did this happen?!
miramax? i thought they only made classy flicks like the piano and the crying game?
we haven't seen a fucking dime for no movie!
it ain't me and quiet robert. it's a pair of stupid-ass superheroes that run around saying "snitchy-nitchies" or something.
shit yeah. we gotsa get paid.
what the fuck took you so long answering your damn door? you trying to talk another girlfriend of yours into some of that gay-ass three-way action with your buddy?
oh, i'll tell you what our necks are doing in your woods--
where's our motherfucking movie check?
why the fuck would you do a thing like that?
i'm the chucklehead? fuck you--you're the dumb-ass who gave away his comic, and now you ain't got no fat movie check neither.
what buzz?
what the fuck is the internet?
"poopchute." yeaaahhh.
friday?! shit. does it say who's playing us in the movie?
who?
you mean the fucking movie with mork from ork in it?
word, bitch. phantoms like a motherfucker.
fuck him. what's the next one say?
who the fuck said that shit?!
i'm gonna kill all these fucks--
but they said jay and silent bob! they used our real names. it doesn't matter that there's a comic book version of us and a real version, 'cause nobody knows we're real in real life.
yeah! and all these people who read that shit think the real jay and silent bob are a couple of faggots 'cause of that all these dicks are writing about the comic book jay and silent bob! and maybe one night, me and lunchbox'll be macking some bitch, and she'll be like "oooo! i want to suck youse guys dicks off. what's your names?" and i'll be like, "jay and silent bob." and she'll be like, "oh--i read on the internet that youse guys were little fucking jerkoffs." and then she goes and sucks two other guys's dicks off instead! well fuck that! we gotta put a stop to these hateful sonsa- bitches before they ruin our good names!
but wait a second--if there wasn't a bluntman and chronic movie, then no one would be saying shit about jay and silent bob, right?
so all we gotta do is stop 'em from making the movie!
no, holden mcneil--what's important here is that there's a bunch of motherfuckers we don't even know calling us assholes on the internet to a bunch of teenagers and guys who can't even get laid. putting a stop to that is the most important thing we could ever do. when did it say they're making that movie?
so if today's tuesday, that gives us-- eight days.
right. three days to stop that stupid fucking movie from getting made! c'mon, silent bob--
we're going to hollywood.
tickets? since when did they start charging for the bus?
didn't we used to ride that shit to school every day for free?
we in hollywood yet?
i didn't ask you about los angeles. i asked you about hollywood.
don't change the subject! are we in hollywood yet or not?
why don't you take your seat ralph kramden--
i'm fucking bored, man. there ain't shit to so on this bus.
i already did that. twice.
yo, gretzky--lemme get a turn.
that fuck called me a little kid and gave me the finger! go kick his ass!
you're my muscle, ain'tcha?
so go open a can of whup-ass on that little fuck, and get me his game!
you're one tough motherfucker, you know that?
um--i think something's burning back here.
the whole fucking world's against us, dude. i swear to god.
this sucks balls, man. how come we ain't getting no rides?
like how?
yeah, but what happens when you get in the car, and you don't make with the head? don't they kick your ass to the curb?
eww! you eat the cock?!?
yeah, but we ain't gay.
well, i don't wanna cough up some dude's sperm!
there's one. on this side of it, we ain't gay.
what book?
new jersey.
we're going to hollywood.
yeah--we're lucky you picked us up.
wait a minute--you follow the book, too?
really? you?
i guess. this guy back there explained it to us. but i didn't think you'd be into that.
shit--you nuns are alright.
you picked us up, didn't you? i gotta.
you want me to do it right now?
alright. you hear that? she's not a catholic. she's a presbyterian.
dude--she had seventies bush.
i can't believe this shit. five hours and not a single ride. every day, millions of people hitch to hollywood and stop studios from making movies about 'em. but when you and me try it, it's like we're trapped in a fucking cartoon!
zoinks, yo
yo!
youse guys need to turn those frowns upside down! and we got just the thing for that. we call them doobie snax.
look at his fuckin' lipstick!!! he's got a stoner-boner!!!
holy shit, i had a horrible dream. yo, i'm hungry. where can we get some breakfast?
yo--check that shit out: the internet. let's see if those fucks said something new about us and that stupid flick.
"any movie based on jay and silent bob is gonna lick balls, because they both, in fact, lick balls. namely each other's."
eww. "yes--they are real people. real stupid people. signed, darth randal." motherfucker! it's time we wrote something back! type this shit down.
all you motherfuckers are gonna pay. you are the ones who are the ball- lickers. we're gonna fuck your mothers whole you watch and cry like little bitches. once we get to hollywood and find those miramax fucks who are making the movie, we're gonna make 'em eat our shit, then shit our shit, then eat their shit which is made of our shit that we made 'em eat. then all you motherfuckers are next. love, jay and silent bob.
that'll fucking show 'em. now we eat our egga-mooby-muffins, then get back on the road, get to hollywood, and stop that fucking movie from getting made. no more hairy-bush nuns, no more dogs. we keep our eye on the prize, and not let nothing-- and i mean nothing--distract me.
oh, what--this? i just wear this for protection. you know--so no guys try to grab my shit.
and i am so fucking yours--
i mean hi. i'm jay. and this is my hereto life-mate, silent bob.
justice, hunh? that's a nice name. jay'n'justice, sitting in a tree. f-
your friends, hunh? where they at?
dude--i think i just filled the cup.
ladies, ladies, ladies! jay and silent bob are in the hizz-ouse!!!
sure it is, juggs.
what's with the knife? we having cake or something?
yo--she called you retarded.
and i can't believe fine-ass bitches like yourselves eat that shit. don't you know fast food makes girls fart?
what're you guys, like a cover band or something?
what the fuck are you bitches babbling about?
so, what kind of animals are we talking about here--like bears and rhinos?
hey, uh--brent? can i talk to you over here for a second?
be honest, yo--you're down with this for the fine-ass pussy, right?
even sheep?
they are beautiful, aren't they?
so then you'd fuck a sheep?
no, you misunderstand me, prince valiant. i mean if you were another sheep. would you fuck a sheep if you were another sheep?
that's what i thought. yo! this motherfucker ain't one of us! he just said he'd fuck a sheep!
ya dirty sheep fucker!!!
is hollywood near where we're going?
ch'yeah, right. jersey represent!
well, we couldn't hang in front of the quick stop no more, 'cause of the strainen-en order, which sucks ass 'cause it's been like our home since we were kids. silent bob even busted his cherry there.
look, fuck that fat fuck--i'm trying to tell a story here.
anyway, we were talking to brodie and he said there's gonna be a bluntman and chronic movie. so we went to see holden mcneil, and he showed us the internet, and that's where we found all these fucking little jerkoffs were saying shit about us. so we decided to go to hollywood and stop the movie from getting made. and now we're here.
yeah, i get that a lot. so you like animals, huh?
that's cool. even snakes?
how about trouser snakes?
don't ask. so, uh--what can a pimp-daddy like me do to help the animals?
what the fuck are you talking about? sure i do. i'd do anything for you.
i mean, youse guys! i'd do anything for youse guys. for the lift and shit.
sure, i'm sure. i said it, didn't i. fuck
you do that.
i'll be right here.
fuck you. fatty.
no, we're cool, thanks hon.
it just ain't the same, is it? this place licks balls compared to quick stop.
and speaking of licking balls--how 'bout that justice chick? she is too fine. and she smells so fucking pretty. she's got a nice voice, too. and that body? smoking. you know, she never once said "fuck off," when i was talking to her, or pulled out the pepper spray, or nothing. i tell ya, lunchbox--she could be the one.
yo, baby! you ever have your asshole licked by a fat man in an overcoat?! yeah.
i'm gonna finger-fuck her tight little asshole! finger-bang and tea-bang my balls--in her mouth! where? where? in her mouth--balls-a-plenty in her mouth! balls, balls, sweaty balls--
steal a monkey? shit--no problem.
yeah, fuck--we steal monkeys all the time. right, lunchbox?
oh, it for the best cause, mon cheri-- the cause of love. snoogans--
what's what?
what the fuck do you think it means? it means "i'm kidding."
i can't believe i'm gonna get some pussy for stealing a monkey! if i'd known it was that easy, i'd've been stealing monkeys since i was like seven and shit.
don't, motherfucker. don't you ruin this for me. me and justice are gonna get married one day, so don't be giving me that "we-ain't-stealing-no- monkey" look. i'm morris day; you're jerome, bitch. don't forget that. that girl? that girl's in love with me.
as sure as i am that you're the hottest bitch i ever seen.
what's twisting that bitch's tits?
they don't? well how 'bout "piece of ass"?
well, what the fuck am i supposed to call you, then?
boo-boo kitty fuck.
what?
the female clitoris?
nah, it's cool, hon. there's a few things i can say about the clit that i's like you to hear. i am the master of the clit! i make that shit work! it does what ever the fuck i tell it to do! no one rules the clit like me! not this little fuck! none of you little fucks out there! i am the clit commander!!! remember that-- commander of all clits!
so--can i get a little kiss for good luck?
so--can i get a little blow job for good luck?
you fat fuck--
stay frosty, you big fucking softie. we've got a job to do.
check this out, lunchbox. animal tranquilizer. this shit fucks you up like percocets!
hold this. later, me and justice can shoot each other with it and fuck like stoned test bunnies. bunnggg.
"suzanne." boo-yah.
what the fuck are you looking at? there ain't no snacks here, man! now we got what we came for, so let's get the fuck out!
yeah, it's sad! but what the fuck are we supposed to do about it?
oh shit--
justice--
juuusssttttiiiicccceeee!!!!!!
this is jussy's monkey justice died for you, you monkey fuck!
do something. tons of fun!
is that fucking thing waving at us?
holy shit? that monkey understood us! maybe it's some sort of super- monkey!
what the fuck was that for? it's not a stupid idea! i seen it in congo?
you're my bitch. you get my back. don't go joining this chimp's side.
yo--what if there's more super monkeys up in the lab? maybe they're making an army of 'em up there! holy shit! maybe it's a conspiracy--like on the x-files roswell--style!
working in secret with a crew of double-dealing, nicotine-fiending fucks that're selling out the human race, these supermonkeys will use simian science and their genius iq's to make man and monkey alike believe that they're the superior species!
then all it'll take is one little monkey in a spiffy suit to whip the dumber chimps into a frenzy, until they go all ape-shit and start demanding more bananas, better pay, and human flesh!
you'll have to be faster than walt flanagan's dog to outrun the warrior gorillas, who hunt humans for sport, profit, and the occasional inter- species blow-job. and if you don't wind up with a monkey hog in your mouth, you'll be captured, killed or worse.
eaten alive!
then these monkey fucks'll start wearing our clothes and rebuilding the world in their image.
and only those who outwit those damn dirty apes'll ever remember that it was man who once ruled the earth!
you maniacs! damn youse!!! goddamn youse all to hell!!!
not on my watch, motherfucker!
die, you super-monkey fuck! die!!!
alright--you can live. for now.
you see that? bitches love me. besides--we're in the fucking clear, yo. it's not like anyone knows we stole the monkey.
i am the clit commander!!!
you know, justice died trying to save this monkey, so maybe we should keep her around. that way, we can honor her memory.
look at you tubby bitches. i'm waxing all sentimental, and you're all about a fucking meal and shit. now ain't you glad we stopped to eat? and you were all piss-scared the cops'd bust us or something. you know what i say?
you think they're talking to us?
what the fuck are you waiting for? go out there and give 'em the monkey.
oh, what, man? i said that shit before i knew they were gonna shoot us! yes--jussy was a hottie, but i ain't takin' no bullet for no monkey!
oh, brother--this is like something out of fucking benji! look man, maybe it's not that bad back at the lab! maybe they experiment on 'em by, like making 'em fuck a bunch of different, good-looking monkeys. we don't know! maybe they got it real sweet!
you stay out of this, you weepy little chimp! fuck man, i ain't no strategist! you're the guy that makes the blueprints! i don't even have the fucking smarts of a little--
--kid
don't shoot! we're just trying to take our son out of this hostile environment!
yeah! we're gay! and this is our adopted love child! we're not from around here! don't make us go back to our liberal city home with a tales of prejudice and bigotry in the heart of utah! you see the shit i gotta put up with for you! now i got this guy thinking i'm gay!
and i'll tell you another thing: what if that guy shows up around the stores one day and starts telling everybody you and me are poo-gilists? how are we gonna get any pussy then, hunh?
so we can just go?
i'd like to offer a big gay thank- you, sir. we'll tell all our gay friends that utah is gay friendly country for gays who are gay.
well, that's 'cuz he's from my sperm. see, i knocked up a hot woman friend of ours who i also fuck on the side. so as not to be all-the-way-gay. but my tubby husband here is one hundred percent queer. he loves the cock.
'bye
i said you "love the cock"! i gotta be the craftiest motherfucker alive!
flee, fat-ass, flee!!!
head for the sewers!
take your stinking paws off me, you damn dirty ape! yo lunchbox! hurry up!
you fat fuck.
you just--had to--order pancakes-- didn't ya?
suck it in! think thin! think thin!!!
incoming!!!
just like winnie-the-pooh.
this reminds me of the night i fucked your mom, yo. one big-wet, smelly, gaping hole, and me wishing i had a board tied to my ass--
--to keep from falling in.
sure, for one more record-- he loves cock!
see, man?! he's lining us up like fucking circus seals! well, i'm going first--i don't want no mouthful of monkey-spit when i gotta blow this fucking g-man.
get offa me!!! get offa me!!!
hey law-dog! see you in hell, cock-- smoker!!!
you see that shit? damn--remind me not to get on the monkey's bad side. yo--boost her up. so we can talk, so we can get the fuck out of here.
hey! get the fuck off her, man! that's my ex-girlfriend's monkey?!
man! who the fuck just steals a monkey?!
oh yeah. well this fucking blows! we got one more day to stop those fucks from making that movie, and someone goes and takes the only thing i had left from the one woman i ever loved enough not to try to stick my hand down her pants!
go after the monkey? how the fuck are we supposed to know where that thing's going?
what? what is that supposed to mean?! don't just fucking point like-- you ain't the broad in the children of a lesser god. use you fucking mouth for more than eating, ya tubby bitch!
you gotta take a shit? no--you gotta take a salad? take a salad? what the fuck are you trying to say?
just fucking say it already?!?
say it, don't spray it, bitch.
what? it's not like it's cheating. justice blew up.
oh yeah? how nasty?
alright--first, i'll want to tongue your bung while you juggle my balls in one hand and play with my asshole with the other. but don't stick you finger in. then. i'll wanna pinky you and put it in your friend's brown, while silent bob spanks into a dixie cup. after that, i'll wanna smell your titties, for a while, and you can pull my nutsack up over my dick, so it looks like a bullfrog. then i want you to flick at my nuts while your friend spanks me into the same dixie cup silent bob jizzed in. then we throw the dixie cup out.
what?! you said 'nasty'? man, chicks in hollywood are so stuck up.
alright, here's the plan: first, we find out where they're shooting that movie at. after we shut that shit down, we can start looking for the monkey. but before we do any of that shit, we gotta find a motherfucker in the know. someone who's like, the mayor of hollywood.
no man, but you want some weed?
yeah, boy. jersey local 408.
shit, no, we might have to strike in september.
i hear that. yo--maybe you can help us out. you know where they're shooting a movie around here.
it's a miramax flick. we gotta bust it up so people stop calling us names on the internet, even though they're not really talking about us but these characters based on us, and at the same time, find my ex-girlfriend-who- got-killed-in-a-car-explosion's monkey.
you know where miramax is at?
we gotta play this right.
i hate how fake hollywood is.
get offa me! raaaaape!!!
hey! i make you a deal: this guy'll suck your dick off if you let us go!
well, how about this deal: he sucks my dick while you watch and jerk off.
dude, it's either this or jail. and you know what they make you do in jail.
well what are you waiting for, bitch? start sucking. bunnggg! alright--where they shooting this movie at?
worth a shot. like a shot in the mouth, you gay bitch. eww, dude--you were really gonna suck my dick.
this has gotta be the bluntman flick, 'cause that's those two fucks from that mork movie! now all we gotta do is figure out a way to get close to them--
that's pretty funny.
on the count of three, we rush those fucks and beat the shit out of 'em. 'cause if they're all fucked up, they can't make the move, right? alright, then. one--two--
affleck, you're the bomb in phantoms, yo.
we love this monkey!
what the fuck are we gonna do?
punch it!!!
yo, i think that shit just kicked in.
see man? its never, "hey--you were in loser, or, "dude--you rocked in boys and girls." it always comes back to that fucking pie! i'm haunted by it.!
yo-you really get to third base with the russsian chick like you did in the movies?
she's fucking hot, man. if i was you, i'd been like--
what, man? you never did one of these?
holy shit? you're the dawson!
yo, what's up with pacey stealing joey away from you? if i was you, i would've drowned his ass in your creek and shit!
joey, man! she's too fine! yo--did you ever get to third base with her?
stunt doubles for what?
these are the guys who are playing us, yo. we take them out, and bickety- bam! no movie.
alright, here's what we do: start swinging, and don't stop until those young hollywood fucks are out of commission. ready? break!
that's one funky monkey.
uh--yeah. they're in here.
no! i mean, we kicked those guys' asses bad. they're--knocked out.
no! me and jason biggs are naked in here! together!
what the fuck are we gonna do?! how are we gonna get out of here without them seeing us?
this was a good idea, lunchbox. in these outfits we're totally incognito.
this must've set 'em back a couple hundred bucks.
who the fuck are you?
wait a sec--i thought holden and banky created this shit.
wait, wait, wait!! aren't you gonna direct us?
but we don't know what we're supposed to do here. we didn't even read the script.
yo-bitch-fists!
call me darth balls. bunngg.
now whose balls have been busted, bitch?
i thought you blew up, boo boo kitty fuck.
yeah? so that means you'll fuck me, right?
hey, i wanted to go down, but i was waiting until i got to know her a little better. see, there was this little angel on my shoulder, and he said--
holy shit, i am wearing pansy red booties! man--why the fuck didn't you tell me?
hey!
yo--i hope one of 'em rips the other one's shirt off and we see some tit.
banky fucking edwards! just the motherfucker we came to see!
all these assholes are calling us names on the internet, 'cause of this stupid movie!
here we go again--
yeah.
shitcan this movie so we don't get called names on the internet anymore.
well this isn't fair! we went to hollywood, i fell in love, we stole a monkey, we got shot at, and got punched in the motherfucking nuts! we ain't leaving empty-handed!
what's up baby? you look good!
oh yeah. get the fuck offa me, pig!
well, we want something for our mental anguish.
half?!?
fuck-you--you already said half? you can't take it back!
yo, i was just about to jump in there and get your back.
holy shit, the cops! we gotta get out of here!
now wait a second--
that's alright. i'm a junkie with a monkey.
i don't know. will we fuck when you get out?
don't change the subject. will we fuck when you get out?
fuck you.
what--here?
all those fucks to stop talking shit about us on the internet, for starters.
you know--with all that money we're gonna make we can buy a lotta plane tickets.
yes. ma'am, does-- william dusky live here?
may we talk to him, please.
yo--do you post as-- magnolia-fan on movie poop shoot.com?
and did you write "fuck jay and silent bob. fuck them up their stupid asses?
on movie poop shoot.com. did you say jay and silent bob-- "--are fucking clown shoes. if they were real, i'd beat the shit out of them for being so stupid."
really--
yo! the party's across the street,