yeah, you chug that ass-cock baby-- it takes two hands to hold doesn't it--? uhhh--
what?! what?! i'm reading!
have you read this article on the mule-suckers in tijuana? good god, i wish that was in our jurisdiction-- i'd shut down every last one of those ass-cock chuggers, personally.
what? "ass" means "donkey."
boulder, hunh? well, gas up the jet.
then gas up the next best thing.
my, oh my, oh my. who let the cats out? wait--is that right?
federal wildlife marshal. this investigation is now under my jurisdiction.
because someone let a whole mess of animals out of their cages, sir.
yeah, right. that's a believable scenario. it sounds more like something out of a bad movie.
listen up, ladies and gentlemen! our fugitive has been on the run for 6 hours! average simian foot speed over uneven ground--barring injuries or preoccupation with tire tubes, mites or bananas--is four miles an hour. that gives us a radius of twenty miles.
what?
yes. yes, you're right. my bad. twenty- four miles. now what i want out of all of you is a hard target search.
yeah?
well. it's--a target--that's--hard. anyway--
okay, how about this? what i want out of all of you is a thorough search of every gas station, residence, warehouse, farmhouse, henhouse, outhouse, and doghouse in that area! checkpoints go up at fifteen miles!
this is so frustrating. it's just so hard sometimes-- your fugitive's name is suzanne! go find her!
what is it?
is it vhs or beta? you know what-- never mind. do you have a vcr?
oh my god-- have the jet gassed up and ready to go at a moment's notice.
doesn't anybody have a jet anymore? plafsky? it is willenholly. you gotta get me on the national news, pronto. why?! because we may very well be dealing with the two most dangerous men on the planet!
from the intelligence we've been able to gather, we've discovered that the c.l.i.t. is a tiny offshoot of the l.a.b.i.a.
exactly. the men you saw in the video are believed to be the masterminds responsible for the frenzied c.l.i.t. activity last night. they go by the obvious code names "jay" and "silent bob." if you should come across them or any other c.l.i.t.-ies, please-- exercise extreme caution.
nonsense. we're all over the c.l.i.t., reg.
there's nothing to suggest that, no. but these men are still to be considered very dangerous.
yes, excuse me. federal wildlife marshal. i'm on my way! we got 'em. they're in utah. citizens of utah--steer clear of the c.l.i.t. stimulation of the c.l.i.t. is not recommended.
what?
look, who's the federal wildlife marshal here? jay and silent bob, this is federal wildlife marshal willenholly! your
maybe they're one of those gay couples?
oh god, this is the last thing i need--a bunch of uppity homosexuals shooting their mouth off in the liberal press that the federal wildlife marshal's office persecutes gays.
you see this badge? i think i'd recognize an ape if i saw one. and the only thing i do recognize here is a political fiasco i'm, going to avoid by letting this butt-fucking brady bunch go!
you are free to leave, sirs!
yes, you, sirs.
yes, sir--or ma'am. please accept my apologies for detaining you and your unorthodox-but-constitutionally- protected-family unit.
i'm sure utah appreciates that. you might also want to make it clear that the federal wildlife marshal's office is also pro-'mo as well. and might i add, that's one fine- looking boy you're raising.
he certainly looks insatiable.
'bye
well, it's not my way--but damned if there doesn't go one happy family. now, we just shoot some tear gas into that diner, and when the two guys run out with the monkey, we'll--
that was the them, wasn't it?
fire a warning shot into that bulbous ass!
wow! that was an incredibly daring escape! you must see that a lot, hunh?
sire, you're very taciturn.
you and your men stay up here. when i corner them, i'll call you for back-up.
a federal wildlife marshal doesn't wait for his prey to come to him. he comes to it. or goes to it. is it "comes to it" or "goes to it"? i'm going in there. i'm counting on you sheriff.
you've taught me so much.
misters, do you wanna get shot?!?
i don't care! and for the record, i knew that wasn't
on your knees!
oh, no--think you can pull a peter pan on me?!
aaaiiigggghhhhh!!!
do you have a microwave here, sheriff?
because i need to dry my gun out so i can shoot you with it ! twice!
"all you motherfuckers are gonna pay. you are the ones who are ball- lickers. we're gonna fuck your mothers while you watch and cry like little bitches. once we get to hollywood--" they're going to hollywood.
yes, this is federal wildlife marshal willenholly. can i speak with agent sid enmarty, please?
sid? hey, buddy. i'm calling because i could really use your help on this killer case i'm working.
no, no--nothing like that. say--there aren't other people listening in, are there?
good. i'm tracking a monkey down that's on it's way to los angeles, and i could use some bureau backup.
am, uh--am i on speaker phone?
alright, now that's not fair. i know i didn't make it as high up as you guys, but my job's just as important.
i come to you as a friend--as a fellow professional--and this is the shit i get?!
oh, a doctor?
screw you guys!
so, this is hollywood? lights, camera, action, jay and silent bob.
freeze you terrorist sonsabitches!!!
oh my god-- um--sorry. that was supposed to be a warning shot. uh--it looks like i'm on the wrong, uh--wrong set.
the c.l.i.t. stops here, jay and silent bob! everyone stay calm. i'm a federal wildlife marshal. these men are the leaders of a terrorist organization wanted for the abduction of a monkey.
no--the clit's real. the female orgasm is a myth.
why are you shooting at me?!?! i'm just a federal wildlife marshal!!!
only on the outside!
hello? truce? i think i killed both of them.
oh my god, i'm paralyzed. the monkey shot me in the ass and paralyzed me! oh the irony!
jesus! tranqued by a little monkey! my friends in the bureau are never gonna let me live this down!
they all made it in, but i failed the exam. why the hell else do you think i became a federal wildlife marshal? 'cause i'm a joke!
what kind of deal?
you'd be willing to do that?
wow. there's a lot of love in the room.
sorry, justice. we've gotta go. hey--stop stealing monkeys.
fair enough.
you know, i don't get out to the movies much. but i'd have to say bluntman and chronic was blunt-tastic!
don't make me shoot you, justice.