huh? needy plunges through the window, screaming and brandishing a hammer. she takes a swing at jennifer's head, but misses and buries it in the wall, specifically in jennifer's fall out boy poster. needy throws herself on top of jennifer. she straddles jennifer and grips her throat, throttling her.
hey, monistat.
you and me are going out tonight.
soft shoulder are playing at the carousel.
and it's all-ages, for once, which means i won't have to play hello titty with the door guy.
they're this indie band from the city. i saw their myspace and the singer is extra salty. and there will be lots of other salty morsels there for you. come on needy, it's the weekend!
thursday counts as the weekend in college. and we're going to be in college twenty-three months from now. university of northern minnesota duluth- woo! needy continues loading her backpack.
please, please you're a social disease?
i'll pick you up at 8:30. my mom has a date with that guy who owns the ham store.
you're lucky you get to ride with me to the club in style! she does a sexy little dance in the doorway, then notices
oh, hi chip. do you like puppies? she grabs her boobs and thrusts her chest outward at him, giggling. needy watches jealously and maneuvers her way
it smells like thai food in here.
okay, let's go to the club. the three of them shuffle onto the porch. needy locks the door.
eat my ass, chip. you're just jello `cause you're not invited.
you're totally jello! you're lime green jello and you can't even admit it. the girls scamper toward the car.
god, i can't wait until i'm old enough to get wasted. have you ever had peach schnapps?
peach schnapps are excellent. they even taste good when they come out of your nose mid-puke. a teenage guy, craig, passes by and waves.
what up, craig. she elbows needy and makes a gagging gesture.
he thinks he's cute enough for me. no wonder he's in retard math. jennifer pulls out a pack of camel wides and lights one awkwardly. needy notices ahmet from india, a foreign exchange student, standing by himself away from the crowd.
i can't believe we traded a cute hockey player for that.
do you think he's circumcised? i always wanted to try sea cucumber.
what? i like the wides.
arrest me, pfft! you're not even out of the academy yet, roman!
how will i wait that long? she paws roman's crotch discreetly. needy winces.
you can tell they're from the city.
you would think that. you're such a small-time gomer. i wish we had more guys like that in devil's kettle. all stylish and shit. needy nods dumbly. she stares at the band, awestruck.
hey, i think they need two groupies. come on! it'll be like almost famous! i'll be penny lane and you can be the other girl. she grabs needy's hand and enthusiastically tries to drag her toward the stage.
don't be j.v., needy. they're just boys. morsels. we have all the power, don't you know that? she plants her hands on needy's chest.
these things are like smart bombs. point `em in the right direction and shit gets real.
hi. um, we just really wanted to meet you or something? i'm jennifer check and this is my friend.
can i show you my appreciation right now? needy looks at the floor, embarrassed.
like, i'll buy you a drink? i mean, i'll see if i can get you a drink. they make this great 9. 11 tribute shooter? it's red, white and blue, but you have to drink it fast or it gets all brownish.
what? are you scared of rock stars too?
i think the singer wants me.
yeah, right! i'm not even a backdoor-virgin anymore, thanks to roman. by the way, that hurts. i couldn't even go to flags the next day. i had to stay home and sit on a bag of frozen peas.
well, if nikolai wants innocent, i can do innocent. i'll be little miss fucking sunshine.
don't cock-block me, needy.
okay. okay.  she slumps against nikolai's chest.
needy, stop it. just stop it! she defiantly follows nikolai toward the white van, which is parked a suspiciously safe distance from the bar. needy staggers after them slowly, watching. behind needy, the bar explodes. screams. flames. silence. needy doesn't even look back as she watches jennifer get into the van. ash drifts into her hair like snowflakes.
happy friday!, d-bag!
yeah. why wouldn't i be?
needy, you're delusional. i got a little banged up when you made me go out that window, but i'm fine.
you do have a tendency to overreact. remember at girl scout camp when you thought there was an earthquake and it was really just two guys with a ghetto blaster?
anyone we know?
sucks to be them, i guess. she giggles and reaches for her knockoff designer purse.
what's wrong with you? i mean, besides the obvious surface flaws.
don't talk to yourself. it's one of your more freakish needy behaviors and it makes us both look like total gaylords. needy raises her hands desperately to jennifer, spreading her fingers to display her filthy fingernails.
eww, you need a mani bad. you'd better find a chinese chick to buff your situation!
no way! parrish ate shit?
hi!
i'm crazy-sorry about your profound loss. you are crying about craig, right?
i know. i was close to him too. you know, i was there last night in that horrible place. i saw craig a few minutes before the fire broke out.
yeah. i was probably the last person to talk to him. like, ever. literally.
well, we got to talking about you, actually. and do you know what he said? he said you were like a brother to him. not a bro. an actual brother.
i know, i know.
forget it. it's too intense.
well, he said he always thought you and me would make a totally bangin' couple. isn't that so weird?
come with me. just for a while. we'll help each other get through this nightmare. it's what craig would have wanted. jonas nods dumbly, brainwashed. jennifer leads him away from the field, toward the woods bordering the school campus. they vanish into the woods. in the distance, we see the falls rushing into the lake.
(firmly covering his
what?
mm-hmm. they're waiting.
do you miss craig?
don't worry. you're going to see your buddy again.
no. she smiles and shakes her head. jonas jerks back, creeped out. he tries to pull away from jennifer, but she's too strong. she pins him to the tree. we see her jaw begin to unhinge, like some horrible snake. her eyes cloud over with blood.
i feel sooo scrumptious! she picks up a soft shoulder button and pokes her arm hard with the pin without flinching. blood spurts from the wound.
you know, like when you kiss a hot guy for the first time and your whole body feels like it's on vibrate.
it's that good. jennifer gazes at her arm, transfixed. she wipes the blood away-- the wound has magically disappeared.
move-on dot org, needy! it's over. life's too short to mope over some white-trash pig roast. she flicks a zippo lighter and touches the flame to her tongue-- first tentatively, then confidently.
i tell it like it is. besides, you should be happy for me. i'm having the best day since, like jesus invented the calendar.
so blow it off.
pooh. i'm crossing you out. she draws a mini-x in the air. needy clicks over. it's chip. we get a nice trifold pie- chart illustrating the intersecting calls. chip is panicked and sweaty in his living room. in the background, chip's little sister camille bangs on a piano. red police lights flash outside the picture window.
what could possibly be more important than me and my godlike powers?
chip is looking cute to me lately. so tell me, is he packing some serious pubic inches? what's the story down there?
bo-ring!
no. i feel like boo-boo. my skin is breaking out. my hair is dull and lifeless. god, it's like i'm one of the normal girls! needy smooths her own hair self-consciously.
pms isn't real, needy. it was invented by the boy-run media to make us seem crazy.
yeah. it's poorly produced. could the bass be any lower in the mix?
i'm fine. it's just, like, wearing off or something.
no, dick ridge! just forget i said anything. colin gray, the punk. goth boy we met earlier, approaches jennifer nervously as she exits the classroom. needy drops behind them, eavesdropping.
oh, hey colin. listen, can i copy your bio lab again? i never got around to dissecting that kitten fetus.
oh. you want to know if i'll go out with you.
just go ahead with the pitch. colin fidgets awkwardly.
i don't like boxing movies.
wait! colin turns around.
why don't you just come by my place tonight? i just got aquamarine on dvd. it's about this girl who's like, half-sushi. i guess she has sex through her blowhole or something.
i'll text you my address. colin walks away, grinning triumphantly.
i'm used to guys asking me out.
he's into maggot-rock. he wears nail polish.
i gotta go parlez french. slam you later.
you made it.
no baby. this is our house, just for you and me. we can play mommy and daddy. colin is totally dumbstruck.
silly. i've been sending you signals all year. couldn't you tell? you give me such a wettie.
you scared? i thought boys like you were into vermin.
nice hardware, ace.
oh, don't you dare pass out! i need you to be conscious.
i need you frightened. colin tries to jerk away, but jennifer easily disengages his arm from its socket. a sickeningly moist snap. colin cries out in pain.
i need you hopeless. she slams him to the ground and mounts him. her jaw unhinges, opening her mouth to a horrifying, inhuman degree. her teeth are razor-sharp and grotesquely crowded, like they belong to some horribly deformed dog. she descends on him, feeding ravenously.
god, enough screaming already. you're such a cliche.
but we always share your bed when we have slumber parties. she winks conspiratorially at needy.
whoa. i have never heard you drop the f-bomb before. what's buggin'?
go ahead, narc me out. i've got the cops in my back pocket. i'm fucking a cadet, remember?
i want to explain some things to you. you've already seen too much and besides-- best friends don't keep secrets. right? needy nods, terrified.
remember the night of the fire?
well, i got pretty messed up. i almost died. you know those guys in soft shoulder? totally evil. they're basically agents of satan with awesome haircuts. i figured that out as soon as i got into their molester van.
guys? where are we going?
are you guys rapists?!
yes. yes! of course i'm a virgin! i've never done sex ever. i don't even know how. so maybe you should find some other girl who does. know how.
just let me finish. so they drove all the way out to the falls. i tried to figure out an escape, but it was so dark out there.
please let me go. i'll do anything. anything you want.
please.
being tortured would make most girls black out or something. but i'm so hard core, i was with them the whole time. i could feel them gutting me under my ribs, up into my belly, then right through my heart.
i'm here, aren't i? she shakes her head, annoyed with needy.
i mean, yeah. they went benihana on my ass. it should have killed me. but for some reason, it didn't.
whatever. anyway, i don't really remember what happened after that. i just-- woke up a few hours later and found my way back, somehow.
i couldn't bring myself to hurt you. i mean, i'm a really good friend. but i felt so hungry. i had to do something.
ahmet. you made it out.
are you lost?
does your host family know you're alive?
does anyone know you're alive?
come with me. we'll sort this out.
ever since then, i just somehow knew what i needed to do to be strong. and when i'm full--like i am right now--i'm like, immortal! i can do stuff like this. jennifer jams the cuticle stick into her own forearm and drags it through her flesh. needy screams and covers her mouth.
no biggie. watch. she pulls out the stick. the wound seals over instantly. needy gasps and touches jennifer's unmarked arm.
that's some x-men shit, right?
you know. full. like full of tasty morsels. needy shakes her head, not comprehending.
forget it. you'd probably tell on me anyway. not that anyone would believe you. you always think the world is coming to an end.
you should talk to someone about these disturbing thoughts you're having. we're all concerned. especially chip. i think he's having second thoughts about you.
my, aren't we a c-u-next-tuesday?
come on. let me stay the night. we can play "boyfriend. girlfriend" like we used to. she smiles seductively.
you said to leave. so i'm outtie-
see you at school. she leaps gracefully out the window. needy watches in stunned silence for a few moments. then she creeps over to the window and looks out. nothing there but the wind. jennifer's gone.
chip! chip makes an incoherent noise and jumps as jennifer appears, improbably, right in front of him. she's wearing a gorgeous white formal gown and looks perfect.
didn't you hear me calling your name?
yes, i was.
i think you were maybe spacing out. you were like this: derrrrr. she mimics a blank, drooling expression.
yes, exactly like that. listen, i need to talk to you about you-know- who. our little needy.
are you worried? `cause i'm super- stressed about her. god knows how i even sleep at night.
i think i know what's wrong with her. in fact, i know i know what's wrong with her.
i feel bad telling you this.
needy and colin were intimate. by that i mean he was poking her donut on a semi-regular basis.
i know this must be hard for you to hear.
that's what she wants you to believe. but trust me, her and colin were doing stuff you haven't even heard of. total varsity moves.
well, apparently he had a thing for me-- no surprise there. and i figured needy was busy jumping your jock that night, so i agreed to a little pity date. colin brought me to that empty house so we could have some privacy. but he wanted to go too far, so i left after a few minutes. next thing i knew, they'd found.  she sniffles, wiping her eye.
what was left of him.
huh?
i'm sorry you had to hear this from me. i'm just so worried about needy. she's losing her shit. colin was her everything.
i wouldn't be surprised if she winds up in the nuthouse.
well, you've been talking to her more than i have. how bad is it?
i can only imagine the paranoid theories she's come up with.
i just can't believe she would do this to you. i care so much about you, chip.
more than i've ever had the guts to admit.
needy didn't deserve a boy like you.
ooh, you're so salty!
say it like you mean it.
say i'm better than needy.
we really shouldn't be doing this. she pulls away from him, feigning a guilty conscience.
natch. she resumes kissing him enthusiastically.
i have just the place.
you're in big trouble anyway. come on.
never, trevor. i'm hot like magma. she prances over to the abandoned pool and begins to climb down the ladder on the side. the pool is full of filthy, freezing water.
swimming.
come on in, chip. show me your breast stroke.
it's not so bad.
i'm sorry. i was just trying to make you laugh. i think now, more than ever, we need laughter. we've both lost a close friend. chip nods sadly.
i feel so empty.
please come here and kiss me again. make all this madness go away. chip tiptoes forward tentatively and sinks to his knees. he leans in and kisses jennifer, who's still clinging to the ladder. the sound of buzzing flies grows louder. suddenly, jennifer opens her eyes. she hooks her arm around chip's neck and lunges backward. they tumble off the ladder, into the pool. chip screams.
fuck this j.v. shit! jennifer rockets straight up into the air like a goddess, hovering ten feet above the pool. her eyes burn. her skin is corpselike. she's drenched from head to toe in the prickly ooze.
god, do you have to undermine everything i do? you're such a player-hater.
nice insult, lizzie mcguire. got any more harsh digs?
and now i'm eating your boyfriend! see? at least i'm consistent.
i am not insecure. god, what a joke! how could i be insecure? i was the snowflake queen!
i am still socially relevant!
i'm gonna eat your soul and shit it out, lesnicki. her voice is now an unearthly growl. in the background, chip is slowly, painfully pulling a pool skimmer with an eight-foot handle off the pool deck.
i go both ways. she hurtles herself toward needy, roaring, her eyes white- hot, her jaws agape. she's monstrous. chip suddenly stumbles in front of needy and holds the handle of the pool skimmer in front of them like a spear. as jennifer flies forward at demonic speed, she impales her entire torso on the handle. needy screams. there's a beat of deafening silence.
ow-ow-ow. needy watches, and realizes jennifer is injured. blood drips onto the pool deck.
got a tampon? needy shakes her head mutely.
thought i'd ask. you seemed like you might be pluggin'.
fuck this noise. i'm out. you losers are more trouble then you're worth. she continues climbing.
nah. i mean, you say i've been a bad friend all these years. i might as well throw you a bone.