nobody.
look, sidney. i'm just not interested. this isn't my whole life, you know.
what are you going to do with jerry's autograph?
how the hell did that girl get in there? jesus, they certainly don't give you very good protection, do they?
look at you here. who the hell is watching you? any one of these freaks could just walk right up to you and do whatever he wants.
just a minute. this is crazy.
okay! stand back!
didn't you hear me?!? come on, people, have a heart.
stand back! go ahead, jerry.
i hate to bother you like this, jerry, but could i speak to you for a minute.
i know you're a busy man. i promise not to take very long, really. but i need your advice.
you don't have a handkerchief, do you? jesus, these people will kill you for a cufflink.
thanks. if you have to be somewhere, i don't mind talking as we drive. you can drop me off anywhere.
i put myself on the line for you, jerry.
thanks, jerry. i'm grateful for this chance to talk to you .  i hope i'm not boring you.
really? fine. i'm rupert pupkin, jerry. i know that the name itself doesn't mean very much to you but it means an awful lot to me, believe me. maybe you've seen me
well, up to now, i've been biding my time, developing my act slowly and carefully so that when my big break finally comes, i'm ready -- like you were that night paar got sick and you sat in for him. i was there that night, in the theater. that was the most important night of my life, until tonight, of course.
me neither. i just carry them as a courtesy. how about a cough drop?
i try not to but sometimes, you know .  am i making any sense?
well, that night you did paar, i walked out of the theater like i was in a dream. all of a sudden, i knew what i wanted. i started catching your guest appearances on sullivan and taping them and, when you got your own show, it got to be a kind of regular thing. i studied how you built to your one-liners, nice and relaxed like you were chatting, and how you delivered
jerry?
i'm rupert, jerry.
but that's where i am!
but that can take years, jerry! look at me. i'm already 31 years old! people my age are way ahead of me. i've got some catching up to do and i need your help. what do you say, jerry? all i'm asking you to do is listen to my act. that's all. is that asking too much?
i tried getting an agent. i did, jerry.
could i?!? oh, i knew you'd say that, jerry. you don't know how many times i've had this conversation in my head. and this is the way it always turns out. that's why i had to sort of invite myself into the car tonight. i know it's kind of presumptuous and i really appreciate the time you've given me. but breaks like this don't just happen. you have to make your own breaks.
thanks, jerry. i don't know how to repay you. i'm a little short on cash this evening, but, if you don't mind some good, hearty food, i'd be honored to take you to dinner.
oh, i understand. well, then, maybe i could repay you with a joke.
wait a minute. how's this? the first night you do your show from the coast, you open this way. "good evening, ladies and gentlemen, it's great to be back here in
consider it a gift. hey, jerry! how about lunch? my treat!
thanks, jerry.
that's alright. now if you'd be good enough to find us a nice table.
sounds like a new opera.
fine. for two.
you look tired, jerry.
i was sorry to read about that, jerry. charlene never should have gotten the kids. if there's anything i can do.
hasn't eddie already done you?
well, i've been giving a lot of thought to your situation, jerry, ever since i saw you starting to lose ground in the ratings. and i think i know what the problem is. too many of the same faces.
sure, people are getting tired of these people who live off game shows and talk shows and can't really do anything. they've seen 'em and heard 'em till they can't stand it anymore.
i'm sure i am. when a show runs out of surprises, it loses its audience.
what's your name, dear?
to dolores, who sensed greatness. rupert pupkin.
you see what i mean? what you need on the show is some unknown quantity, some brilliant talent making his television debut. imagine the suspense. who is this young guy? how will he do with the eyes of all america on him? something like that has got to help.
why not? believe me, jerry, i'd give you the credit you deserve and i'll stick with you. anytime you need me, i'll be there, doing a few minutes at guild scale.
oh, jerry, you sneaky .
what's this?
thanks, jerry.
miss!
a beer please, miss. something imported.
fine.
how have you been, rita?
sally gardner, i met her after a matinee. aren't you glad to see me?
the same, i guess. you know, two kids, a nice husband, living in clifton.
a lot of the kids in our class have moved back.
i just thought i'd say hello. here, i brought you a little something.
don't forget to put in an aspirin. it lasts longer.
how have you been, dear, sweet rita?
maybe a rolaids would work.
didn't you know you'd see me again?
you're looking as beautiful as ever.
i thought so.
i voted for you for most beautiful.
i didn't have the nerve to tell you then, but i guess it's alright now.
great! everything's starting to break.
yeah. as a matter of fact, that's why i'm here. i've known about this place for a long time. i just didn't want to make my move until i had something to offer you. everything's a question of timing.
what's the matter?
the two of us are often confused. he's the one with the famous father.
you like this place?
maybe.
what are you doing tonight?
what's so funny?
if i had asked you out? would you have gone?
why not?
you see! i was right! but that guy isn't me anymore. i look at my picture in the yearbook and i don't even recognize myself. i'm not the same guy, rita.
i'm not honey! i'm rupert.
miss! miss!
i'm in the mood to celebrate tonight. why don't we go to this nice restaurant i know, talk over and times, get to know each other all over again.
well, tomorrow night i thought we'd go out again, talk some more, get to know each other even better.
how much what?
i don't understand.
i'm not talking about any job.
you'll see. right now i'm asking you for a date. how about it?
busy?
but this is the biggest night of my life.
miss! miss!
is that your date?
what do you want to go out with him for?
tell him you're busy.
everything! you don't understand.
miss!
listen to me for a second.
just listen. i'm at the start of something really big. i don't want to talk about it here but it's going to happen soon and it's going to be great -- for both of us.
so see that guy some other night.
but i haven't finished!
miss! miss!
miss! miss!
chopsticks, please.
that's right, rita.
rita, i assure you there was .
come on, rita. people will hear.
this is a very important evening to me, rita.
it does?
just taste.
this is supposed to be the finest cantonese cuisine in the city.
i used to see you at the garden every year.
you just didn't get the breaks.
i liked the show.
i knew it wouldn't last.
peter drysdale! really, rita!
are you seeing anyone?
i want to know about the competition, that's all.
i'm serious, rita.
anyone special?
what about that guy tonight?
why him?
you don't go out with him for his money?!?
that's what i want to talk to you about, rita.
who's your favorite movie star?
just tell me.
you'll see. give me his name.
you've got to have one, rita. everybody does.
her name! she signed this herself, especially for me.
she wasn't a great actress but she had a real gift for comedy. she died tragically, you know, alone, like so many of the world's most beautiful women. i'm going to see that doesn't happen to you, rita.
burt reynolds.
mel brooks.
carol burnett.
glenda jackson.
and that's woody allen and there's
take a look at this.
try.
rooooper .
that's robert redford.
no! it's .  it's rupert pupkin
don't lose it. it's going to be worth something in a couple of weeks.
that's what i've been trying to tell you. things are really breaking for me. i'm ticketed for stardom.
only a couple of hours ago, i was talking to jerry langford, the jerry langford. stop it, rita!
we were talking about my doing my act on his show.
get that guy you knew from clifton out of your head right now. you're looking at rupert pupkin, rita. rupert pupkin, the new king of comedy.
why not me, rita? a guy can always get what he wants if he's willing to pay the price. all it takes is a little talent and sacrifice and the right break. if you've got a friend in the right place, that's all it takes. and that's exactly what i have going for me right now. after all, crazier things have happened.
you just don't realize what a shot on the langford show can mean. that's coast to coast, national tv, a bigger audience than the greatest comedians used to play to in a lifetime. a shot like that means a free ticket on the comedy circuit -- flip wilson one week, cosby the next, then sonny and cher or carol burnett. and you've always got those other talk shows to fall back on -- carson, griffin. and all that leads straight in one direction, rita -- hollywood! that's when we really start
you going to spend the rest of your life in that place? is that what you really want, talking about nothing with nothings? i thought you wanted something a little better than that and that's what i'm offering. every king needs a queen, rita. i want you to be mine. what do you say?
no.
how did they know you were here?
you don't even care, do you?
it's not the bar, rita. don't tell me it's the bar.
why don't we finish the evening up at the bar together? end the evening where it began?
well, i could at least drop you off!
but that wouldn't be right.
but rita!
rita keane. i want to talk to her.
that's right. oh, never mind. i must have the wrong apartment.
i know. i know. i'm sorry to bother you.
i'm sorry.
i said i'm sorry!
rita!
don't be angry with me. i was worried about you, that's all.
here. you'll need this. it's getting chilly.
don't say that, rita. everyone does crazy things.
i'll get us a cab.
that's okay, rita. you're tired and i know i'm not always the easiest guy to be with.
you don't understand anything, do you? i love you, rita. i want to change your life .  if you'll only give me a chance.
look, what if i arranged it so you could meet jerry? you'd have to believe me if you heard it from him.
i'll arrange that, rita. we'll all go out to dinner some night or maybe out to his place, on a weekend. you'll see. the trouble with you is you've got no faith. now go to bed and get a good rest and i'll see you in a couple of days.
now run along in.
go on.
i need somebody to sign. you can sign anything you want -- cary grant, art carney, i don't care.
would you mind very much if i used your phone? it's local.
may i speak to jerry langford, please? thanks .  jerry langford, please. rupert pupkin .  jerry knows. i'm calling at his request .  i see. that's alright. i'll call him again.
jerry langford, please .  may i speak to jerry langford, please .  rupert pupkin, i called earlier .  i see. how long do you expect that'll last? oh, fine. i'm at ch 4-1482 .  i'll be here for another half hour, forty- five minutes. please be sure he gets my message. thanks.
mr. langford, please.
pupkin. rupert pupkin.
you know the secret of dieting, jerry? grapefruit. it's good for you. it's filling. and it's low in calories.
as a matter of fact, yesterday i went to the outdoor market near where i live and i bought twenty grapefruit. the grocer looked at me and said, "what are you gonna do with all those?" so i bent over and told him "i'm gonna take 'em back to florida and set 'em free!"
pardon me?
well, technically speaking, i don't actually have an appointment. jerry asked me to call him today and when i couldn't get through, i thought .
hello? .  jerry and i discussed my being on the show last night and he told me to call .  no. i don't mind.
i'm supposed to wait.
who was that gentleman? (pupkin
oh, i see. mr. gangemi.
yes?
i'm mr. pupkin.
i'm sorry, but you are?
bert thomas?
oh, yes. i'm sure he is. but, you see, i've already talked directly with jerry about my being on the show and he told me to get in touch with him. i'm just here to follow up on that.
stand-up comedy.
well, right now i'm developing new material.
sure. sure. but that's not necessary, miss long. jerry and i already went over all this.
yes. i don't think he does.
oh, sure. i've got lots of tapes. that's no problem.
great. i'll do that. i can see that'd be a lot easier for jerry. thanks a lot, miss long.
sure. sure. thanks again.
thanks.
yeah. i know.
i'm really in a hurry, marsha .
i thought that was you. that was some stunt.
we didn't talk about you.
yeah.
why don't you .
i don't want this.
okay. i'll try.
okay. okay.
i don't know. couple a days.
testing. testing. testing.
first, miss long. thanks very much for your help at the office and for passing this along to jerry. i appreciate it more than you know.
now, jerry. before i begin, i just want to thank you for listening to this material and for the opportunity that you've given me. you know, lots of people think that guys like you, you know, people who have made it, lose their feeling for struggling
 the comedy find of the year making his television debut, rupert pupkin, the king of comedy!
now you come on, jerry, and do your monologue. then, when the time comes, this is how i see you introducing me. you'll say something like this. "ladies and gentlemen we're going to do something a little bit different tonight. it isn't often that you can call someone a sure thing in the entertainment business. after all, the verdict is always in your hands. but i think after you've met my next guest, that you'll agree with me that he's destined for greatness. so, now, will you please give your warmest welcome to the newest king of comedy, rupert pupkin!!!"
will somebody tell that lovely lady that the applause sign is off.
that's a possible introduction, jerry. now let's move on to my act.
i didn't want to take any chances with this .  uh .  miss long, so i .  uh .  thought i'd just bring it here myself.
pupkin. rupert pupkin.
fine. er .  you don't have any idea how soon that might be?
what if i just sort of waited around here today, just in case? i'll stay out of the way.
oh, i wouldn't consider it a waste of
tomorrow? .  right. i'll do that. thanks a lot, miss long. and thank jerry.
you think so, jerry?
well, i'm glad you like it, jerry.
well, i don't know if i can explain it, really.
well, it just sort of comes. i think about my life, see, mainly about the worst parts, all the awful things, and i just try to see them in a funny light. that's all.
more or less. it's hard to describe how its happens.
sure, jerry, i'd do anything i could to help out.
would you mind if i brought someone?
a very special girl, jerry.
hi. how are you?
i'm fine.
i'd like to see jerry, please.
mr. pupkin.
who?
but i wanted to see jerry.
alright.
how are you today?
thanks.
yes?
not ready?
right for jerry. sure.
yes?
you didn't care for some of the jokes, is that it?
good. good. i can take care of that right way. thanks. just tell me the ones you think should go. that would be a big help. this is great. which ones?
sure. sure.
but i've got my whole life to talk about!
may i ask you a question, miss long?
are you speaking for jerry?
i'm sorry to have to say this, miss long, and i certainly don't want you to take it personally, but i have to tell you that i don't .  i don't have faith in your judgment.
no .  no .  i'm afraid i'll have to disagree with you again.
miss long?
when are you expecting jerry in?
that's fine. thank you.
that's alright. i'm happy just waiting.
i understand.
sure. sure.
you want me to leave the building.
huh?
he's not in there.
i told you i'd try and i will. i'm going to wait for him right here.
sure, but .
who?
but they said he wasn't in.
when did he go in?
you sure?
and he hasn't come out?
tell jerry langford i'm here, please.
i happen to know he is. so would you
you're putting your job on the line, lady.
jerry! jerry! you're going the have a hell of a lot of explaining to do! jerry!
jerry! help me. jerry!
jerry!
start looking for a new job!
huh?
don't worry. i'll get it to him.
this weekend. he asked me to go out there, to his house.
look, i told you, i've got some work to discuss with him. that's all.
you're with me.
you can chat with the other guests.
what?
if it make you feel better.
i'm sure jerry has something arranged.
i guess they just sit around and talk and enjoy each other's company, like anybody else.
what do you mean? they've got plenty to talk about. they do things. all kinds of interesting things happen to them and then they talk about them. what do you think jerry's show is all about?
just take it easy, rita. everything's going to be fine.
oh, you have no idea how bad it's gotten in new york. now the muggers are so efficient that, each time they jump you, they take your name and address and put you on a mailing list. and once you're on the list, you're in real trouble, like this friend of mine who was mugged thirty-two times on his way home from work.
thanks.
so what my friend does is get himself a dog, one of those huge german shepherds. one night, he's walking the dog in central park when he hears this voice behind him. okay, harry, drop your vallet and keep your hantz over your head or i bite your little fanny off.
oh, yes.
everyone's invited.
what's this?
you sure?
keep it.
you must be jonno. i'm rupert pupkin and this is rita keane. mr. langford's expecting us.
that's right. would you mind taking those up? jerry and i have some work that may oblige me to stay overnight.
out playing golf, right?
maybe he'll finally break a hundred.
that's alright. we don't mind waiting.
that's from breakfast. relax, will you?
how do you like it?
it's the only way to live.
you heard the guy. he's out playing golf.
we didn't have time to iron out the details. now just relax. we're the first guests, that's all.
it probably slipped jerry's mind. he has better things to think about than what he tells his houseboy.
these are jerry's parents. his father runs the post office in wolverine -- that's in north dakota.
this one was in newsweek. he started giving these puppet shows when he was still in grade school.
and this is from his quiz show in st. louis. can you believe it?
that was the name of the show.
and here's when he wrote for jack paar. he made a hundred and fifty a week and look at him now.
and this is his morning show.
and his kids. he's divorced.
i don't know. until he gets back.
he should be back pretty soon.
come on, rita.
here?
how would you know?
you were there with tommy winston.
that's the one time i did ask you and you went with him anyway.
why not?
well, it's all ended happily and that's what counts.
i'm sure it's all very nice.
rita!
where are you?
come on, rita. this isn't funny.
what are you doing, rita?
come on. we shouldn't be here.
let's go, rita.
rita, this is jerry's .
but we have no right .
that wasn't funny, rita.
hi, jerry. we were just freshening up.
come on, rita. no need to be shy.
jerry, i'd like you to meet rita keane. rita, say hello to jerry!
what's your pleasure?
we've already taken the liberty, so to speak. rita was a little nervous. it isn't every day she meets someone like you.
we've been sitting around, waiting. that's all. how was your golf game?
he did, jerry. he was very helpful. we had to take an early train. there was nothing else until after one. i brought the material. it's upstairs, in my bags. where is everybody?
the other guests! we're getting a little hungry, to tell you the truth.
but we don't mind waiting, do we, rita?
you know you could! and there'd be absolutely no way we could prove we belonged here. i never thought of that.
maybe we could work up a routine about that, about a guy who throws all his friends in jail. let's talk about that.
sure, jerry. whatever you .
that wouldn't be right, jerry. not in your own house!
we took a taxi, jerry .  but don't worry about us. you go ahead and do your work and we'll just take a stroll around until lunch is ready.
well, maybe a .
don't listen to her, jerry. she doesn't understand anything about us.
look, jerry, if i've said anything out of line, let's chalk it up to inexperience, okay? i'll just go upstairs and get my tape and we can start working. it shouldn't take long and then you'll have the rest of the afternoon to yourself.
but what about my material? when are we going to go over it?
tell her she's wrong, jerry!
rita!
she's nothing, jerry. she's just some girl who works in a bar. don't let her spoil things.
all i'm asking is fifteen minutes. that's all. just long enough to listen to my act. is that asking too much -- fifteen minutes of your day against my whole life?
but what about me, jerry? what about my life? i made plans -- based on what you said. you can't just turn your back on me.
so this is the way it works when you're big, huh? you just play with people. is that part of the kick, jerry? i can see i was all wrong about you. all wrong.
shut up! you weren't my friend at all, were you? you were just playing some kind of game with me. well, that's not going to stop me, jerry. i'm just going to work a little bit harder, that's all, use a little bit more enterprise. and not count on anybody. that's where i made my mistake. i can see that now.
come on, rita. we're wasting our time.
shut up, rita. i'm thinking.
do you want him or not?
certain.
that's the whole point. pay attention.
he will.
we'll come back tomorrow.
look, you're going to have him all to yourself. what else do you want?
is that him?!?
you sure?
what do you mean?
keep watching.
wait a second and follow him.
too busy. keep going.
go past him and stop.
just keep walking or i'll kill you right here.
i said keep walking. this is a gun in my pocket and i've got nothing to lose.
just keep walking and don't talk to anybody. i'll tell you what to do.
get in!
just shut up and get in.
i didn't like being so rough out there, jerry. but i wanted you to know that i meant business. i didn't want anything happening to you over some misunderstanding.
now i know you're wondering what this is all about. actually you've got nothing to worry about. you just do what i tell you and by, say, midnight, you'll be safe and out of here. of course if you try anything clever, i'll kill you -- or marsha will. she knows how to use this too.
come on, jerry. this isn't a spur
sit down.
now, you're going to call your office and tell them this: that unless a man who identifies himself as the king is allowed on the show tonight as the first guest, they'll never see you alive again.
i'll say it again .
then try again!
no tricks, jerry.
looks fine.
sure, if he isn't dead.
this wasn't an easy decision for me, jerry, believe me. for one thing, i knew it meant we could never be friends again and that hurt me. it's hard to lose a friend, even one who has let you down. you always hope you can patch things up. you know, a guy like me doesn't make friends that easily.
why didn't you just listen to the tape when i asked you? then i wouldn't have to be doing all this. was it really too much to expect -- a few minutes of your time to listen to something i'd worked on my whole life?
are you crazy, jerry? do you know what would happen to me?
just keep it on him. you know, jerry. friendship is a two- way street. all that time i was worrying about you and your ratings and everything, you couldn't have cared less about me.
that's easy to say, jerry.
what's the matter? you heard what he said.
what happens then, jerry?
she's right, jerry.
he gives me his word.
and what else, jerry?
no, jerry. it's not. keep the gun up!
i'm sorry to do it this way, jerry, but i'm no good at knots. just put your arms up and out, okay?
oh, no, jerry. none of that. now hold still.
open. bite .  good.
can you breathe? both ways? in and out?
you've got until around midnight. have a good time. so long, jerry! wish me luck.
i'll tell you everything you need to know at the studio this evening, mr. thomas. i appreciate your co- operation. goodbye.
excuse me.
i'm the king.
i'm the king.
are you on the show?
i want to see someone on the show.
just get me someone from the show.
that's orson bean.
sure i'll talk. just get me someone from the show.
rupert pupkin.
yes sir.
yes.
are you on the show?
here's the introduction to my act. please make sure mr. randall follows it exactly as i've written it.
what about make-up? i need make-up.
if i'm not on that show, jerry langford is dead, i promise you.
good evening, ladies and gentleman. let me introduce myself. my name is rupert pupkin. i was born in clifton, new jersey, which was not, at that time, a federal offense. is there anyone here from clifton? good. we can all relax. now, i'd like to begin by saying that my parents were too poor to afford me a childhood but the fact is nobody is allowed to be really poor in clifton. once you fall below eleven thousand you're exiled to passaic. my parents did, in fact, put down the first two payments on my childhood. then they tried to return me to the hospital as defective. but, like everyone else i grew up in large part thanks to my mother. if she was only here today i'd say, "hey, mom. what are you doing here? you've been dead for nine years?" you should have seen my mother. she was wonderful -- blonde, beautiful, intelligent, alcoholic. we used to drink milk together after school. mine was homogenized. hers was loaded. once she was picked up for speeding. they clocked her doing fifty -- in our garage. when they tested her they found that her alcohol was two per cent blood. they took away her license and she died shortly afterwards. we used to joke together mom and me, until the tears would stream down her face and she'd
a lot of you are probably wondering why jerry couldn't make it this evening. well, he's tied up -- and i'm the one who tied him. you think i'm joking, but that's the only way i could break into show business -- by hijacking jerry langford. i'm not kidding. right now, jerry langford is strapped to a bedstead somewhere in the middle of this city. go ahead. laugh. but the fact is .  i'm here. tomorrow you'll know i wasn't kidding and you'll think i was crazy. but i figured it this way: better to be king for a night than schmuck for a lifetime!!! good night ladies and gentlemen. god bless you.
i'm trying to tell you, inspector. you let me walk out of here, right? and as soon as i'm seen my act on the show -- as soon as i'm sure they've really put it on -- i'll tell you where jerry is and you'll get him back safe and sound.
look, i'll say it again. you let me go now.
i've got to get out of here.
i'm telling you, inspector, if i don't see that show where i want to see it, jerry langford is dead. my people have instructions to execute him unless they hear from me by midnight.
i'll need a couple of minutes, inspector.
after it's over, i want a couple of minutes. and i'll need ten dollars. does anyone of you gentlemen have my wallet?
a condemned man's last request, inspector.
it's not much of a ransom, inspector .
sure. sure, inspector. no ten dollars .
 and no jerry langford.
come on, it's getting late, inspector.
turn on langford. seven.
just turn it. come on.
come on, rita. don't spoil the party. drinks all around on me.
what'll you have?
i don't suppose you're allowed anything. i guess nobody's in a celebrating mood. how about you? you want something?
in a second.
now you can say you knew me. that's something, anyway.
i guess i've got go. take care of yourself, will you. and when you're bored -- you know, when you're brushing your teeth or something, give me a thought, okay?
we'll see.