first, there's no such thing as an open and shut case. especially where custody is involved. got it?
second, the burden is on us to prove your ex-wife is an unfit mother. that means i'm going to have to play rough and, if i play rough, you can bet they will too. can you take that, mr. kramer?
third, it'll cost you five thousand dollars.
that's if we win. if we lose, you could end up having to pay your wife's court costs as well.
good. you've hired yourself a hell of a lawyer, mr. kramer. how old is the child?
that's tough. in most cases involving a child that young, the court tends to side with the mother.
i'm not saying we don't have a shot, but it won't be easy.  mr. kramer, do me a favor. there is something i find very helpful in matters like this. i sit down and make a list of all the pros and cons on an issue. i actually write them down and look at them. i want you to do that, okay? then, after that, if you're really sure you want to retain custody of your child – then we'll go in there and whip their asses.
look, ted, i don't honestly think she would go to the trouble of suing you for custody of the child if she was planning on kidnapping him.
real direct. motherhood.  they're going right for the throat.
now then, mrs. kramer, you said you were married seven years. is that correct?
in all that time did your husband ever strike you or abuse you physically in any way.
did your husband strike or physically abuse his child in any way?
would you describe your husband as an alcoholic?
a heavy drinker?
was he unfaithful?
did he ever fail to provide for you?
well, i can certainly understand why you left him.
how long do you plan to live in new york, mrs. kramer?
permanently? mrs. kramer, how many boy friends have you had – permanently?
how many lovers have you had – permanently?
more than three, less than thirty- three – permanently?
do you have a lover now?
your honor, i would request a direct answer to a direct question. does she have a lover?
is that.  permanent?
then, we don't really know, do we, when you say "permanently" if you're planning to remain in new york, or even to keep the child for that matter, since you've never really done anything in your life that was continuing, stable, that could be regarded as permanent.
mrs. kramer, how can you consider yourself a fit mother when you have been a failure at virtually every relationship you have undertaken as an adult?
i'll ask it another way. what was the longest personal relationship you have had in your life – other than parents and girlfriends?
whom you've seen twice in a year? mrs. kramer, your ex-husband, wasn't he the longest personal relationship in your life?
would you speak up, mrs. kramer? i couldn't hear you.
how long was that?
so, you were a failure at the longest, most important relationship in your life.
oh? what do you call it then – a success? the marriage ended in divorce.
congratulations, mrs. kramer. you have just rewritten matrimonial law. you were both divorced, mrs. kramer.
your honor, i'd like to ask what this model of stability and respectability has ever succeeded at? mrs. kramer, were you a failure at the longest, most important personal relationship in your life?
not it.  not it, mrs. kramer – you. were you a failure at the most important personal relationship of your life?
were you?
no further questions.
do you want the kid or don't you?
mr. o'connor, does the agency still have the fire and ice account?
mr. o'connor, can you tell me where you are employed at the moment?
mrs. phillips, how long have you known ted kramer?
how often do you see mr. kramer and his son?
can you describe the relationship between mr. kramer and his son?
can you recall any particular incident that relates to mr. kramer's care of his child?
no further questions. thank you mrs. phillips.
mr. kramer, would you tell the court exactly why you want to retain custody of your child.
thank you, mr. kramer. no further questions.
objection!
objection, your honor! counsel is harassing the witness.
objection! your honor, counsel is raising a question that is not germane to these proceedings.
the judge went for motherhood straight down the line.
i can't tell you how sorry i am.
ordered, adjudged and decreed that the petitioner be awarded custody of the minor child, effective monday the 23rd of january. that the respondent pay for the maintenance and support of said child, four hundred dollars each month. that the father shall have the following rights of visitation: every other weekend, one night each week to be mutually agreed upon and one half of the child's vacation period. that's it.
we can appeal, but i can't guarantee anything.
it's going to cost.
i've got to tell you something, ted. this time it'll be billy that pays. this time i'll have to put him on the stand.