they're not gonna call. i tell you they're not gonna call. i blew it. i don't know what i did wrong, but i – i don't think so, jim. maybe i shouldn't have – all i can say. all i can say is this is maybe one of the five best days of my whole life. so anyway jim and i are making the pitch, right? and all of a sudden this old guy starts to cough and i keep on going and he keeps on coughing and i keep on going and he keeps on coughing and – where you goin' murray, it's early? oh, christ, i'm late. i gotta get out of here. so anyway, i look over and this old geezer is starting to turn blue and i swear to god the only thing i can think about is that this poor sonofabitch is gonna die on me and screw up the pitch. jim, i've got to go. i'm already late – wow! i thought you might just like to know that at five-fifteen this afternoon we were officially handed the fire and ice account by revlon. that represents a gross billing in excess of two million – what?! i'm sorry i'm late, all right? i'm sorry i didn't call – i was busy making a living. okay, okay. what is it this time? what did i do now?. joanna, whatever it is, believe me, i'm sorry. now listen, before you do something you'll really regret you'd better stop and think - for god's sake, joanna, would you at least tell me what i did that's so terrible! would you do me that little favor? so we've got problems. everybody's got problems – that's normal – i'm listening, joanna – believe me, i'm listening. my wife is walking out on me after eight years of – i heard you, joanna. i promise i heard you. what about billy? what? c'mon, joanna, you don't mean that. you're a terrific mother – okay, i understand and i promise i won't try and stop you, but you can't just go. look, come inside and talk. just for a few minutes. where are you going? do you want me to help you get a cab? joanna!?. joanna?! all right, thelma. that's it. i've had it. you can call your good friend joanna kramer and tell her enough is enough, okay? i mean, i don't know what i did, but you can tell her she's made her point. don't play innocent with me, thelma. you know perfectly well what's going on. ha! you tell me. all right, thelma, you want to know what's going on? i'll tell you what's going on. i'll tell you exactly what's going on. i came home tonight. we just got the fire and ice account at the agency. do you know what that means?! do you understand what that means? it means that it was maybe one of the five best days in my whole life. i walk in the house and before i can say "how are you?", "did you have a nice day?" before i can say anything. pow she's out the door. yeah, she said it wasn't any use talking anymore. hostile? me? thelma, i'm not hostile. i am anything but hostile. but if you want to know what i am. i'll tell you what i am. what i am is, i am hurt. i am very hurt. and i just want to know one thing, okay? just one thing. why? that's all i want to know. why? things? what kind of things? listen, joanna kramer's got a goddamn good life. she's got a husband that loves her. she's got a terrific kid. she's got a wonderful home – did it ever occur to you guys that joanna kramer's not the easiest person in the world to live with?! did it?! for one thing she's always thirty minutes late. you can set your watch by it – two. she is getting to be a real hermit or recluse or whatever it is you call it. thelma, do you know where i could be in this business if i had a wife that entertained or went out socially – joanna said that? then how come she never said anything like that to me? boy, you guys are really something, y'know? i'd like to know one thing, okay – just one little thing. did you tell joanna she should leave me? y'know something thelma – you are the typhoid mary of divorce. i mean it. joanna and i never had any trouble until you and charley split up. i'd like to know what the hell kind of courage it takes to walk out on your husband and your child? huh?. oh god. what time is it? oh, christ. ah, yeah. you want to know why mom's not here, right? okay, i'm going to tell you. it's like this. mommy and daddy had a little argument and mommy decided she wanted to go off by herself for a little while. you know how sometimes you get mad and want to go off and be by yourself? well, it's like that, okay? okay. now how about some breakfast? soon. very soon. i'll tell you what, kiddo – why don't i fix us some french toast? sure. didn't i ever tell you french toast was my specialty? i'll bet i never told you that. now then, the first thing we need is. . eggs! right? this is terrific. isn't this terrific? i'm having a good time. are you having a good time? that's right. you're absolutely right. it's been a long time since i made french toast. look at this, isn't this something?! right. one o.j. coming up. don't worry. everything's fine. goddam! son of a bitch! it's okay. it's gonna be okay. soon. i told you before, very soon. no. if i'm not here, you go home with thelma and kim. i'll call thelma and remind her, okay? don't worry. uh, jim. can i talk to you? you want to know the real kicker? the real kicker is, for the first time in my life – the first time – i feel like a loser. me? i've never been better. i mean having my wife walk out on me after seven years of marriage agrees with me just fine. i'm going to be okay. the way i see it, joanna'll come home, it's just a matter of time. i don't know, jim. this whole thing has happened so. pow – like that. i don't know, jim. jim, i appreciate what you're saying. i mean it, but i really think joanna's coming back. billy! you got a letter from mom. "my dear, sweet billy: mommy has gone away. sometimes in the world daddies go away and mommies bring up their little boys. but sometimes a mommy can go away too, and you have your daddy to bring you up." "i have gone away because i must find some interesting things to do for myself in the world. everybody has to, and so do i. being your mommy was one thing, but there are other things and this is what i have to do. i did not get a chance to tell you this, and that is why i am writing you now." "i will always be your mommy and i will always love you. i just won't be your mommy in the house. but i will be your mommy of the heart. and i. " billy. it's okay. it's okay. we'll talk about it some other time. i don't know, thel. this whole thing has happened so. pow, like that. i'm gonna keep him, why? thelma, i've lost my wife, i'm not losing my child. got it. i understand. i'm sure. wait a minute! wait a minute! slow down. slow down. 'night, jim. can't do it tonight. gotta pick up billy. i'm late. sorry, jim i've got to go. i'll talk to you tomorrow. mrs. kline, i'm sorry i'm late, but – i'm sorry, pal, but i had a meeting and – it wasn't so long, i'm only. . twenty minutes late. how was school today? billy, don't eat with your fingers. well, i see the yankees finally won a game. yeah? sure. too much birthday cake, right? goodnight. listen, pal, i'm sorry, okay? i know how you feel. look, i remember one time when. i was a couple of years younger than you are now and. i was staying with this cousin of mine and my parents were supposed to come and pick me up by three, but it got later and later and they didn't and they didn't show up and i remember i got really scared that something had happened to them and i remember when they finally came instead of being happy to see them i was very angry and. billy, i promise i'll never do that to you again, okay?. billy? okay? no. no, actually it's only two bedrooms. look, my wife just walked out on me. okay? it's been a tough week. i'll be with you in a minute, jim. you couldn't make that saturday, could you? well, he's. ah, he's a good kid. he's shy and. i think he's probably very creative and. sure. he's right in here. mrs. willewska, could you start on monday? uh huh. c'mon, there's not much difference – okay, what color cereal do we get? what? i've got a lot more than twenty minutes to kill. three months. how can you tell? billy? billy? billy?! billy! i don't know. i've been worried. i mean, with what he's been through and everything. i – well, you know it's not easy raising a kid on your own and i thought if we could get together and, uh, discuss – yes, but. ah, not now. i've got an appointment. i forgot all about it. i know. i know. no. uh, uh. tell him i asked for it friday. i want it friday. period. fine. yes. remind me to pick up a "crying chrissie" doll at lunch on tuesday. hiya, phyllis. these are the revlon contracts. i thought you ought to check them out. yes, what? mmmmnph. i'll get you a cab. like that?! and? do you? so what's your problem? you ever think about getting married again? how many onions does it say to use? d'you think you and charley'll ever get back together again? c'mon, thel. so charley had a little fling. so what? all in all he was a pretty good husband. now look, you hold it like this. . and you swing like this. okay, jim. here's the report on. what the hell is this? i don't. jim, this isn't anything like what we talked about. it's not even close. now hold it right there, i'm the one that went in and sold revlon on this idea to start with, remember? you said i was going to be – yes? look, billy, i told you before, one hour of t.v. a day, that's the rule. no. i don't care what the other mothers do. listen, i can't talk now, i'm in a meeting. billy, i'll talk to you later, good- bye. in a minute. c'mon, billy. i'm trying to work for god's sake. goddamnit, can't you watch what you're doing! je-sus christ! i catch all kind of shit at the office because i'm not pulling my weight because i'm busting my butt trying to be a decent goddamn father and – that's terrific. that's really terrific, but i notice i'm the one that's cleaning up this – oh, crap, i'll have to do this one over. look, it's after your bedtime, okay? just do me a favor and go to bed, okay? look, i'm sorry i yelled, okay? it's just. i've been catching a lot of flack at the office. okay, phyllis, what's up? what?!? i don't believe it! that's crazy! why would jim do something like that? i can't. i've got billy to take care of. i don't believe you. how should i know? so. what's so terrible about that? no. no, i don't believe it. jim o'connor would never let anything like that happen. he gave me my shot in this business. if it wasn't for jim o'connor i'd be – i don't know where i'd be. he's a wonderful man. i don't want to hear another word against him. not another word. he's a wonderful man. a wonderful man. all right, jim. you said i was running this show, right? you said no decisions without my approval, right? well what the hell is this? what's going on, jim? jim, this is garbage. this isn't anything like what we talked to revlon about. none of it. you can't – salisbury steak. you don't hate it. we had salisbury steak last week and you liked it fine. all it is is onions and gravy. you are not allergic of onions. you've had them lots of times. no. this is fine. just take a bite, you'll like it fine. oh, for god's sake. here. there, okay? now that's just plain old hamburger. then eat around it. now listen to me, young man. do you know what i had to go through to put this goddamn food on the goddamn table? not on your life. that's it. i've had it with crap around this house. from now on, no more pizza! get it? starting right now you can eat real food like a normal human being! you want to know something?! you are a spoiled selfish little brat! now eat – goddamnit! go to your room! you're no bargain either, pal. tough shit. you're stuck with me. yeah? that's okay, pal. go back to sleep. it's very late. uh huh? of course i'm not going away. i love you very much. i'll be right here. oh, christ. oh, christ. no, pal. your mom loves you very much. the reason she left didn't have anything to do with you. look, i don't know if this will make any sense to you, okay? but i'll try and explain. you see the reason your mom left was because. well, i guess it was because i kept trying to make her into a certain kind of person. make her be the way i thought a wife was supposed to be. only she wasn't like that. she was. well, she wasn't like that. and now, when i think about it, i can see she tried very hard to be like i wanted – very hard. and when she couldn't, then she tried to tell me about it. only i wouldn't listen. i guess i thought that if i was happy, that meant she was happy too. only she wasn't. the truth is, the only reason she didn't leave a lot sooner was because she loves you so much. joanna stayed until she couldn't stand me any longer and then she left. but it wasn't you, pal. it wasn't you. you mean for good? i don't think so. now go to sleep. it's very late. sleep tight. see you in the morning light. yes? thel, you ever hear from joanna? california? she ever ask about me? what d'you tell her? how many? no. fuck you. he's my son. i'm staying with him. it's okay, son. i'm here. just a little more to go. don't worry, son. i'm here. he's okay. thel, can i ask you a favor? i don't mean a little favor. i mean a big f favor. thelma, if i die – i didn't say i'm going to die, but if i should – thel, listen to me. if, on the million to one shot that i should – that anything should happen to me. would you take care of billy? i thought about it a lot and you're the only person i know that i trust with him. i mean, if anything happened to me, he'd be okay with you. you're a good mother. i know it's not an easy thing to answer. look, if it's too much responsibility – you're sure? thank you, thel. thank you very much. thank you, john. so do you. thanks, gino. fine. look at us, joanna. just like any old married couple having dinner. who would believe it. he's great. except. . except he had. he fell and he cut his face. he. he has a scar, joanna, from about here to here. i can't help but feel somehow. it's my fault. i keep thinking i could've done something – stopped it. what? you have? he is. you sat in that coffee shop across from school – you've been living here, in the city? you want what?! are you out of your mind?! you're the one that walked out on him, remember? joanna, i don't give a – such as? come on, joanna, what did you learn? i'd really like to know. one thing, okay? just tell me one goddam thing you've learned. joanna, go be a mother. get married, have kids. don't get married, have kids. do whatever you want. i don't give a damn. just leave me out of it – and leave my baby out of it. joanna, go fuck yourself! look, she walked out on her own child, right? that's desertion, right? mr. shaunessy, i'm telling you it's an open and shut case. fine. six. but she signed over custody. here. i love you billy kramer. sleep tight. don't let the bedbugs bite. are you firing me, jim? what?! what do you mean, i don't understand. look, you don't understand. i need a job. i've got a kid and – uh, huh? oh, christ. .john, there's some- thing i ought to tell you. my. ah, situation has. changed. i lost my job. john? good christ, joanna, just get the hell out of my life. yeah. don't worry. i plan to have something within twenty-four hours, john. i don't know. i need a job, now. call up the people at j. walter thompson. set up an appointment at four. either you call and set up the appointment, or i'll call. and if i call, you lose the commission. you bet your ass. so, mr. ackerman, as you can see from my resume, my experience in setting up the leisure package concept means that i've spent a lot of time working along the same lines as your multiple buys and your regional advertising ideas. i know the pitfalls, but – and this is more important – i know the potential revenue for the company inherent in these programs. mr. ackerman, is there anyone else that i should see before you come to a decision. could i see him right away? i'd like to see him now – before he leaves. i want this position very much. excuse me, i believe you said i had ten minutes. that means i've got two minutes left. i understand you're paying twenty- five. all right, i'll tell you what i'm gonna do – i'll take the job at twenty- two-five. now, that's twenty-five hundred less than you're offering. the only thing is, you have to say yes right now. not tomorrow. not next week. not after the holidays. it's worth it to me for a yes right now and i'll take twenty-five hundred less. today only. one day only. twenty-two five. certainly. well, gentlemen, i'm pleased to be with you. merry christmas. you're a terrific kid, billy kramer. what?! she wants what?! john, what if she kidnaps him. i've heard all these – i don't know, john. i mean, to be brutally honest, i'm not so sure what kind of mental shape joanna's in right now. y'know she admitted she was seeing a shrink. no, but – so, naturally, you assume that since joanna left, that would be a compelling point against her, right? but it doesn't work that way. a major decision was handed down by the appellate court in 1969 – in the case of haskins vs. haskins. now in haskins vs. haskins the court ruled in favor of the mother, thus establishing a precedent for awarding the child to the mother even though she previously abandoned the baby. yeah? and? but it's not a year from now, is it? yes? oh, yes. won't you come in. he's in his room, playing. doctor, i attempt to conduct my social life discreetly. at the moment i am seeing no one. not particularly. the prospect of losing my child. billy. this is dr. alvarez. she would like to talk to you. oh, yeah. objection. you're leading the witness. objection. see. that's my name. right. you like it? yep. uh huh. sure. no, she never did. i don't know. i hadn't thought much about it. no. no, son. daddy and mommy will never get remarried. jesus christ. did you have to be so rough on her? uh, huh? i guess about the same kind of things you do. uh, uh. we didn't have television then. nope. it hadn't been invented yet. yeah, there was apple juice. uh, uh. there was no such a thing as burger king. well, let's see. there wasn't mcdonald's. and there wasn't astronauts. and there wasn't frozen yogurt. and there wasn't. when joanna – – my ex-wife – when she was talking before about how unhappy she was during our marriage. well, i guess most of what she said was probably true. there were a lot of things i didn't understand – a lot of things i would do different if i could. just like i guess there are a lot of things joanna wishes she could change. but we can't. some things, once they are done, can't be undone. joanna says she loves billy. i believe she does. so do i. but the way it was explained to me, that's not the issue. the only thing that's supposed to matter here is what's best for billy. when joanna said why shouldn't a woman have the same ambitions as a man, i suppose she's right. but by the same token what law is it that says a woman is a better parent simply by virtue of her sex? i guess i've had to think a lot about whatever it is that makes somebody a good parent: constancy, patience, understanding. love. where is it written that a man has any less of those qualities than a woman? billy has a home with me, i've tried to make it the best i could. it's not perfect. i'm not a perfect parent. i don't have enough patience. sometimes i forget he's just a little kid. but i love him. more than anything in this world i love him. i suppose. technically, the agency lost a big account and seventy four people were let go. i was one of them. yes, but i'm with j. walter thompson now. i don't think that will happen again. yeah, well he did, didn't he. i'm not interested, joanna. goodbye. any day. uh, huh. you and charley? really? hey, that's terrific. c'mon. billy, kim. let's go. well? oh, christ! i lost him? i lost him? oh, no. what if i fight it? i'll take my chances. don't worry. i'll get the money. oh, christ no. i can't do that. i just. can't. excuse me. i'm sorry. i just. please go away, thel. i. i just have to be by myself for a little while. please, thel. no, son, i didn't get fired. i'll tell you what we'll do, okay? how about if we go to a burger king and then we watch a little t.v. and then we get packed to go to the country tomorrow. just you and me. how 'bout that? joanna. this is by way of introducing william kramer. he is a sweet child, as you will see. he is allergic to grape juice, but will more than make up for the loss in apple juice. he is also allergic to peanut butter from the health food store, but not from the supermarket. don't ask me why. at times, in the night he will have nightmares, one particular monster is called the face. the face, as best as i can determine, looks like a circus clown without a body, and from what the pediatrician says, and what i have read, may be sexual fear of losing his penis, or a fear of his own anger, or just a circus clown he saw once. his doctor, by the way, is still ed davies. the sundafed is for colds, one tablespoon every four hours. i will pack it in the blue suitcase. his best stories have been babar and winnie the pooh up to now, with batman moving up. his housekeeper has been etta willewska and she is the main reason for the note. she is a loving woman, conscientious, very concerned about billy and more important, billy cares about her. i urge you to retain her. her number is 722-8099, and i think she will take the job if it is offered. i'm sure other things will come up. ask me what you need to and i guess eventually we'll talk. that's all i can think of, except to repeat what i said before, he's a terrific kid. i'm grateful for the time we've had together and i feel i am a better man because of my son. ted. billy, sometimes when a mother and a father are divorced, there's a discussion about who the child should live with, the mother or the father. now there is a man who is very wise. he's called a judge. and a judge has a lot of experience with divorces and he decides who it would be best for the child to live with. because. well, that's what he does. he's a very powerful man. bigger than a principal. the judge sits in robes in a big chair. the judge has thought a lot about us, about you and me and your mom, and he has decided. . he has decided that it would be best for you to live with your mom joanna in her apartment. and i'm very lucky. because even though you'll live with your mom joanna i'll get to see you once a week for dinner and a couple of weekends a month. what don't you understand, pal? at your mom's. she'll have a bed for you in your own room. i'll send your toys there and i'm sure you'll get some new ones. your mom. your mom knows all about the face, okay? don't worry, she'll tell the face to beat it. look, it's getting cold. why don't you go inside where it's warm. i'll be along in a minute. go on, scoot. hey? what's doin' with that bread? let's see a little hustle around here. this is it, pal. yes? i'll be back in a minute. okay, i'm here. now why did you – goddamnit, joanna. what the – joanna, what the hell is – what? oh, god. oh, my god. no more waiting in coffee shops. i promise. beautiful.