i love you, too! behind her, a "go usc" banner is pinned to the pink wall. a stack of "cosmopolitan"s and "glamour"s teeters on the dresser. the closet overflows with trendy, designer clothes in a predominance of pink.
i'll see you tonight. she hangs up and lets out a squeal of joy, kissing underdog's head and taking the card out of his mouth. she reads it, touched.
"elle and warner forever". aww.  underdog yips.
you guys are so sweet!
but i ' m not positive it's gonna happen to n i g h t --
you think?
c'mon -- you have to help me pick out the perfect outfit.
amy, what's wrong?
that's because you spend too much time in the library. come with me. i'll meet you outside. as they go, elle leads amy over to a group of jovial sigma chi brothers.
bra ndon , jason, grant --this is amy. why don't you tell her about the time you guys went golfing naked?
too demure?
well, i don't want to look like i know what's coming. . .
he's proposing! i can't look like i would on any date. this is the date. the night i'll always remember. i want to look special. bridal . . . but not like i suspect anything.
wh at if -- you know -- it's not the night?
is this a low-viscosity rayon?
with half-loop top-stitching on the hem?
it's impossible to use a half-loop topstitch on low-viscosity rayon. it would snag the fabric. and you didn't just get this in, because i remember it from the june vogue a year ago, so if you're trying to sell it to me at full price, you picked the wrong girl.
girls, this is it. in a few hours, i'll be the future mrs. warner huntington iii.
so are you!
i am so ready.
here' s to ~ us. warner is slower to sip his.
i ' m fully amenable to that discussion.
of course.
and i fully support that.
i completely agree.
what? elle starts to flush, completely caught off guard.
you're breaking up with me?! i thought you were proposing.
you're breaking up with me because i ' m too -- blonde?
then what? my boobs are too big?
so when you said you'd always love me, you were just "dicking around"? warner looks around the restaurant nervously.
no.
how can it be the right thing if we're not together?
so you're breaking up with me because you're afraid your family won't like me? everybody likes me!
just because i ' m not a vanderbilt, all of a sudden i ' m white trash? i grew up in bel air, warner! across the street from aaron spelling! i think most people would agree that's way better than a vanderb ilt --
i ' m seriously in love with you -- isn't that enough? he looks away.
no -- it's just -- not me.
thank you, serena, but i don't think it'll do any good.
i just don ' t underst a n d what went wrong --
last month on his birthday. and she liked me! she said i looked like britney spears. why would you say that to someone you didn't like?
i don't know! i don't know anything any more! i just need to be by myself.
thank you. i love you, too. as they go, margot looks at serena.
i just love him so much! i loved him the first moment i saw him. he's beautiful and smart and someone i totally respect. and i did everything i could to make him love me, but it wasn't enough. now what am i supposed to do? i planned my whole future around him. my life was going to be all about warner. now what's it going to be about? she looks up -- waiting. staring back at her is underdog -- who sadly has no answers for her.
bullshit! serena and margot enter, bearing jamba juice.
so?
oh, my god! . she looks at a photo of a horse-faced young woman standing next to a three-years-older version of warner. she turns to the old lady next to her.
do you know who this is?
it's warner's older brother!
this is the type-of girl warner wants to marry. this is what i need to become to be serious. the old lady looks at the picture.
no -- a law student. elle rushes out. serena looks after her.
that's right.
i have a 4.0.
i don't need backups. harvard is the school i' m going to. he decides to humor her.
i once had to judge a theta chi tighty- whitey contest. trust me-- i can handle anything.
reading about the lsats. margot looks at serena, confused.
the lsats are an exam. she takes a deep breath.
girls-- i ' m going to harvard!
no -- i ' m going to law school at harvard.
once warner sees me as a serious law student, he'll want me back. it's a completely brilliant plan!
i have the highest gpa in delta gamma! margot pulls something off her wrist and hands it to elle.
your scrunchie?
my name is elle woods and for my admissions essay, i ' d like to tell all of you at harvard why i ' m going to make an amazing lawyer.
as president of my sorority, i ' m skilled at commanding the attention of a room and discussing important issues. elle bangs a gavel, as she sits in front of her sisters.
~ it has come to my attention that the maintenance staff is switching our toilet paper from charmin to generic. all those opposed to chafing, pleas.e say "aye". the sisters "aye" in unison. underdog barks his approval.
i ' m able to recall hundreds of important details at the drop of a hat. we reveal margot on a raft beside her.
why, yes, margot, i do. once again, we joined hope in the search for her identity. as you know, she's been . brainwashed by the evil stefano --
and the laws and bi-laws of civil obedience are crucial to my life -- serena skates by and fake-elbows elle.
no shoving on the skate path! city ordinance 22g!
i feel confident using legal jargon in daily life.
i object!
i've seen every episode of "the practice" and i ' m even on speaking terms with dylan mcdermott.
dylan! we love you! dylan mcdermott burns rubber as he flees.
one seventy-five. one seventy- five.
and that's why you should vote for me. elle woods. future lawyer. for the class of 2003. the video is paused, as three admissions guys in their 4.0's sit at a table piled high with applications, the dean of admissions at the head of it. stunned silence fills the room. finally one of them speaks.
it's a perfectly respectable place.
because this is what i want. i've worked hard for it. don't you understand that this is important to me?
going to harvard is the only way i can get the love of my life back!
we're here! she bends down to pour some evian into his inflatable doggy dish, inadvertently revealing cleavage to a passing bespectacled boy . he trips, dropping his i-mac. it shatters into a million pieces. not noticing.  elle stands and turns to two moving guys.  who are hauling a pink, faux-fur love seat and a potted palm tree out of the truck.
this way, guys!
h a s warner huntington checked in yet?
w a i t -- my social events schedule is . mis sin g.
you know -- mixers, formals, beach  trips.
i guess it'll have t o . . . the fuzzy guy looks at the red-shirted bald 2l next to him, as elle walks off. ,
i ' m a gemini. i have a bachelors degree from usc, where i was sigma chi sweetheart and president of delta gamma, and last year ' -- i was homecoming queen .
wish me luck, underdog. it's my first class as a serious law student.
i totally look the part!
warner?! oh my god, i completely forgot you were going here!
no, silly. i go here.
harvard. law school.
uh.  i wasn't aware that we had an assignment.
do they just -- put you on the spot like that? like, all the time?
and if you don't know the answer, they just kick you out? he smiles.
did she do that to you, too?
neat .  ' , '
donovan, royalton and levinson.
wow. i ' m glad i met you.
hi!
thanks again for your help!
fine. except for this horrible girl who made me look bad in front of my civ pro professor. but no biggie. you're here now.
how was your summer?
do anything exciting? a female hand snakes around warner's chest from behind. warner turns and brings the owner of the hand around to his side, presenting her.
 you know her?
i'm sorry, i just hallucinated.
excuse me.
you can't even imagine.
i worked really hard to get into law school -- i blew off spring break and greek week to study for the lsats, i completely neglected my homecoming queen duties, i hired a coppola to direct my admissions video -- all so i could get my boyfriend warner back and now he's engaged to this awful girl sarah so it was all for nothing! i wish i ' d never even come to harvard.
what'd you do?
no!
she's from connecticut. she belongs to his stupid country club.
i ' m not pretty -- i ' m genetically blessed. paulette rolls her eyes, shaking her bottle of polish and starting on elle's right hand.
definitely! i love him! paulette looks at her.
warner? when she gets no answer, she write a message on his memo board -- close on-- "call me! love, you know who". she leaves the wine bottle and two glasses and goes.
neither.
i'd rather have a client who's innocent.
i ' m not afraid of a challenge. sarah glares back at her. warner looks between the two of
' i ' m here to join your study group. and look! i brought sustenance! she holds up the muffins as the others look up, frowns all around.
who's first? she sits down next to warner.
oh, god, was this like an rsvp thing?
then i guess i'll leave you alone. she walks away, completely deflated, passing by the raging feminist study group. enid calls out.
you know, if you'd come to a rush party, i would've at least been nice to you.
i don't use that word. only mean people use that word. you must've heard it from sarah. . she looks back at warner's table and walks off. as she does., she's nearly mowed down by a gaggle of nerds led by dorky david, who knock the muffins out of her hands. she stands there, even more depressed.
power yoga?
 what?!
n o way -- serena grabs the phone.
almost.
i miss you guys! the people here are so vile! hardly anyone even talks to me unless it's to say something that's not nice. law school sucks!
what?
re a ll y -- margot grabs the phone back.
iwl. il. . . margot hangs up and elle follows suit. even more deflated.
no way! someone at this school is actually having a party? sarah and claire turn around. elle's face falls when she sees that it's them.
i can't believe this. not only do i not have warner, but i ' m --unpopular! the realization hits her hard. underdog barks. she looks at him.
but i wasn't invited.
you really think i should?
enid, please -- silicone is so 90's.
thanks for inviting me, girls. this party is super fun.
i am. didn't you hear about the playboy bunny who slit her ex- boyfriend's new fiancee's throat with a broken wine glass? it was tragic.
hey, o.j.
thank you. having fun?
i feel like we've barely spent any time together since we got here.
tell me about it. i can't imagine doing all this and donovan's internship next year.
am i on glue, or did i not get into the same law school you did, warner?
but what? we took the same lsat, we take th e same classes --
i'11 never be good enough for you, will
what is this?
what?
why wouldn't i?
you know what? all of you can just kiss my ass. she yanks off her bunny tail and throws it at them. hurt and anger in her eyes. then walks out of the room.
don't ask.
to negate mens rea? donovan nods affirmatively and continues. elle hides a smile.
don't you also need to have evidence?
although mr. huntington makes an excellent point, i have to wonder if the defendant kept a thorough record of each sperm emission made throughout his life?
well, unless the defendant attempted to contact every single one-night- stand to determine if a child resulted in those unions -- then he has no parental claim whatsoever over this child. why this s p e rm ? why now? '
for that matter, all masturbatory emissions where his sperm was clearly not seeking an egg could be termed reckless abandonment.
i did?
i don ' t know --
" '.' .  . . . i do. ' ' , .''. ' . .  ; . . she pulls a resume out of her briefcase and hands it to him.  he looks at it. 
and engraved.  gives it that extra little something, doesn't it? . see you tomorrow!
i couldn't help it! it was the most fun i've had since i've been in law school. not only was i good enough for warner -- i was better than him. he has to see serious i am now. even donovan was impressed, and he's a total hard- ass. elle stops the car and turns off the ignition.
you ready?
yes, you are. go -- you can do this. . she points ahead of them. paulette goes.
dewey newcomb?
 i ' m elle woods. ms. bonaf ante's  . attorney.
under state law, you and ms. bonaf ante had a common law marriage which entitles her to the benefits of property law and an equitable division of assets.
due to the fact that you retained the residence, ms. bonafante is entitled to full ownership of the canine property in question and we will be enforcing said ownership immediately.
w e did it! . elle high-fives her.
madonna? the class rolls their eyes and laughs, watching stromwell.
what's going on?
he chose them already?
me?!
this is way better than that. excuse me. i have some shopping to do. as she goes, surprised chatter overtakes the hallway.
thank you.
wait a minute -- are we talking about brooke daniels? donovan checks his papers.
she was a delta gamma! not in my pledge class or anything -- she graduated ,five years ahead of me. but i used to take her class at the la sports club. she's amazing! the others looks at each other and roll their eyes.
she could make you drop three pounds in one class. she's completely gifted!
maybe she found him like that.
there's no way brooke could've done this - - exercise gives you endorphins, endorphins make you happy -- happy people don't kill their husbands! sarah and enid snort.
of course, i do!
i ' m a delta gamma and i ' m a huge fan of yours!
sort of. brooke looks at elle as if she's her savior.
i feel so bad for her. i mean, she's in jail! and she's innocent. but i ' m the only one who believes her. donovan totally thinks she's guilty.
he's got a package.  paulette is frozen. blushing and nervous.
so, this is the only interaction you two have ever had?
have you ever considered asking him if he'd like a cold beverage? or perhaps a neck massage?
i am. and i'm looking at a beautiful, fabulous, sexy woman.
trust'me. you've got the equipment, you just need to read the manual. elle stands. ,
i ' m going to.show you a little maneuver my mother taught me when i was in junior high. in my experience, it has a 98% success rate in getting a man's attention an d when used appropriately--an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation. the hairstylists and clients listen, intrigued. .
it's called the "bend & snap". "oh, look! there's something on the floor that i need to pick up!" bend.  she slowly bends down, as if to pick up something, sticking out her tush, knee cocked. she slids her hand down her cocked leg until her hand touches the floor and she snaps back up, boobs a'bouncing.
and snap! now you try. paulette stands up repeating the maneuver.
good. now this time, put a little arch in your back and maybe get your footing more solid. paulette does it again. this time, getting it right.
perfect! a hair client walks over, head full of curlers.
good. she adjusts her like a yoga instructor would.
but cock that knee. another client calls over.
more snap, less bend. she turns to the rest of the clients.
c'mon -- everyone try! clients hop up out of their chairs as someone reaches over and cranks the transistor radio, blaring "brick house" by the commodores.
now everyone together. they all bend in unison -- going down on "brick" --
there is no way a delta gamma would sleep with a man in a shiny shirt. warner, back me up here.
so, because she's beautiful and has a good body, she's easy? what book of feminist theory did you read iiiai in, enid? emmett jumps in before war breaks out.
my money's on the angry daughter or the ex-wife.
al l i know is-- it's not brooke.
i ' m here to see brooke wi'ndham.
uh -- family.
i ' m her sister.
delta. gamma.
are you okay? you look so sad. and so . orange.
i brought you some necessities. pink sheets. aromatherapy candles. loofah. and the bible. she holds up a "cosmopolitan".
but i have to tell you the real reason i ' m here. professor donovan says we really, really need your alibi.
who could better understand than me?
whatever it is -- it could save you.
how?
i know! you helped me go from a six to a four! brooke starts to cry again.
no!
your secret is safe with me.
i went to get her alibi.
but i can't tell you what it is. yes.
i can't give it to you. all i can tell you is that she's innocent.
, no!
then we're not very good lawyers.
i gave her my word, warner.
explain to me why you're so anti- brooke.
aside from that.
why?
a) he's an old man with a really big penis. b) she never told me i was fat. and c) victoria principal sells on that network.
but maybe it's not what you think.
you're kind of being a butt-head right now.
because people aren't always what they seem to be and you refuse to see that. have a little faith. you might be surprised. they're quiet again while he thinks about this. he looks over at her.
maybe not to your face.
we have two o'clock massages. kerrigan and woods.
oh, and my friend katherine windham vandermark is here somewhere and i ' m supposed to meet her. for a pilates class. do you have her schedule?
no, she can't move for an hour. she grabs his arm and pulls him down the hall.
mrs. windham vandermark?
i'll cover her -- parts. elle settles on three washcloths, strategically placed.
she's not!
ys. . . . e
you're going to trust the word of a woman who named her child after a condiment? she's ly-ing.
i never trust a woman who's not blonde. except for my friend serena, but that's only because she's a blonde at heart. that's the whole reason i ' m starting the blonde legal defense fund. he looks at her and laughs.
blondes are discriminated against worldwide! brooke's a blonde, and people are saying she's sleeping with the cheesy pool boy and shooting her husband. if she was a mousy brunette, it would be, "oh, the poor widow."
you should see the way i ' m treated in class! i'm a complete source of mockery. this is why the blonde legal defense fund is needed. he goes along with it, won over by her enthusiasm.
that is a direct result of anti- blonde discrimination!
if she were a true blonde, she would've left the cheating bastard. blondes don't let their husbands get fellated by brunettes and live to tell about it. emmett frowns.
exactly how much gorilla sex do you think a sixty-year-old man can take? .
speaking of that -- i bought you some seaweed cream while we were at the spa. she hands it to him. he keeps his hands on the wheel, not taking it.
the bags under your eyes. you're an attractive man, but you need to take better care of yourself.
well, you should --. i f you look good, you  feel good and if you feel good, you project joy into the world.
 fine. sorry i brought it up.
for a butt-head? yes.
why didn't you call me?
we spend a beautiful night together and then i never hear from you again?
f or what? breaking my heart or ruining sex for me with any other man?
forget it. i've already spent too many hours crying over you.
i believe you! don't worry.
come in.
take it. i've read it twenty times. she grabs another one off of the stack and begins reading. sarah lingers.
too bad you and i are the only ones.
it's not my alibi to tell --
really? thanks. sarah starts to go, then stops.
men are helpless. you know that. sarah lingers, leaning on the edge of the couch.
i know. he has it sent out.
you're kidding! a knock sounds on the open door and margot and serena poke their heads in.
oh, my god! ' -. sarah watches as elle jumps up to hug the girls, who each have a bottle of veuve cliquot in their hands.
what're you doing here?!
you guys -- i can't. we're in the middle of a trial.
margot!
i can't believe you guys are actually here -- but this case is important. i'll make it up to you after finals, okay? i -- promise. i really want to do a good job. margot and serena stare at her, realizing she means it.
i'll call you as soon as it's over, okay? sisters forever?
sorry about that.
you broke his nose?!
i'll be over right after the trial, okay? we're about to cross- examine enrique. and don't worry! my friend serena barfed on a guy during "the blair witch project" and end up dating him for three months. she hangs up. enrique cuts in front of her in line for the water fountain. she glares at him, tapping her foot. he finishes getting his drink and turns, looking at her.
he's gay! enrique is gay!
warner, what kind of shoes do i have on?
see?
he's gay -- he isn't brooke's lover! he's making it up. whoever killed heyworth is paying him off.
gay men know designers. straight men don't. she points at warner, who shrugs. brooke leans over.
enrique's gay. i ' m sure of it.'
thanks for the backup.
thank you!
i ' m so happy for you!
great. donovan actually said the words "good work, ms. woods". he takes me seriously! can you believe it?
really?
is everything okay?
thank you.
i ' m sorry, but --
wow. that means so much to me to hear you say that. donovan walks around his desk and sits in the chair opposite her.
not really. i know how competitive it . . a l l is -- he smiles.
you're hitting on me?
so everything you just said --?
and i ' m a law student who's finally realized her professor is a pathetic asshole.
what?
i'm quitting. she marches past. he follows, catching up.
law school was a mistake. getting this internship was a mistake.
i didn't earn anything. i got this internship because donovan liked the way i looked. which he made clear .tonight when he tried to feel me up. emmett looks pissed as he processes this.
thanks for not treating me the way everyone else here does. call me if you're ever in california.
what's the point of staying? all people see when they look at me is blonde hair and big boobs. no one's ever going to take me seriously. the people at law s chool don't, warner doesn't -- i don't even think my parents take me seriously. they wanted me to grow up and become a victoria's secret model who marries a rock star. now, for the first time, it seemed like someone expected me to do something better with my life than wear underwear for a living. but i was kidding mys elf -- donovan didn't see me as a lawyer. he saw me as a piece of ass.
just like everyone else. it turns out, i am a j oke.
the hell with law school. i just came to say goodbye.
- see?
yes, i am.
elle woods, your honor. rule 3:03 of the supreme judicial court states that a law  student may appear on behalf of a defendant in criminal proceedings.
but you agreed last night. in the office? when we were discussing my "career"?
i'd like to recall chutney windham as a defense witness. the crowd murmurs. donovan rolls his eyes.
first, your honor, i ' d like to point out that not only is there no proof in this case, but there's a complete lack of mens rea, which by definition tells us that there is no crime without a vicious will. the da rolls her eyes, as do the lawyers present.
okay -- ms. windham, when you uh arrived back at the house? was your father there?
and when you came downstairs, what happened?
but mrs. windham didn't have a gun?
did you hear a shot fired?
so at some point in the -- twenty minutes? -- you were in the shower, your father was shot?
your father was shot while you were in the shower?
but you didn't hear the shot, because you were in the shower.
miss windham, can you tell us what you'd been doing earlier in the day?
where you got in the shower.
yes, your honor. had you ever gotten a . . perm before, miss windham?
how many, would you say?
you know, a girl in my sorority, tracy marcinko, got a perm once. even though we all told her not to ~ curls really weren't the right look for her -- she didn't have your bone structure.
but, thankfully, that same day, she entered the pi kap wet t-shirt contest where she was completely hosed down from head to toe.
i have a point. i promise.
chutney, why is it that tracy marcinko's curls were ruined when she got hosed down?
that's right. because isn't the first cardinal rule of perm maintenance that you are forbidden to wet your hair for at least twenty-four hours after getting a perm at the risk of de-activating the ammonium thiglycolate?
and wouldn't someone who's had -- thirty perms ? -- throughout her lifetime, be well aware of this rule?
and if you, in fact, were not washing your hair, as i suspect you were not, since your curls are still intact, wouldn't you have heard the gunshot?
and if you in fact, heard the gunshot, then brooke windham wouldn't have had time to hide the gun before you got downstairs. which would mean that you would've had to have found mrs. windham with a gun in her hand to make your story sound plausible. isn't that right?
you, however, had time to hide the gun, didn't you, chutney? after you shot your father?
oh, my god!
the rules of haircare are simple and finite . any cosmo girl would ' ve known .
i can't believe you're a laker girl!
not yet.
don't worry. she's harmless. i'll see you guys soon! thanks for coming! she air-kisses them as margot leads a still shell-shocked serena away as emmett walks up to elle.
thank you. he moves closer.
in court. on opposing sides.
huh. imagine that. looks like i am. she walks down the steps. warner watches her go, then turns to see sarah, who's witnessed the entire episode. she glares at him, then walks past.
yes, you are.
are you asking me on a date?
perfect. she heads down the stairs, stops and thinks a moment, then runs back up -- -- grabbing emmett in a hellacious kiss. he kisses her back. we crane up as they embrace on the courthouse steps.
is he the only one?
Only blonde at heart. Right? Elle smiles and looks down at -- the NEWLY BLONDE SARAH. Sarah returns the smile as we PULL BACK to see a CROWD of first year girls gathered around Elle's table, rushing to sign up. Ready to be as blonde as they can be.
	114:
helloo.  you let him videotape you diddling yourself. 
can't you just get your nose done?