happy holidays. mind if i join you?
i need help drinking this. cool?
do i look like a homo?
boy, you guys are terrific. you make me laugh, you just do.
this your dog? nice dog.
huh- you know what? he says he doesn't want you to spray beer in his face. he says he just hates that.
okay.
what .  ? you want .  oh. oh, hell no, i couldn't do that .  nossirree bob, you little nut.
get this: he wants me to beat the shit out of you guys.
what's that .  ? the one .  in the middle.  'is a stupid fat duck'.  what .  ? oh .  oh! a 'stupid fat fuck!' right.
boy, this dog is pissed.
what's that .  ? you want me to take the knife away.  and break his elbow.  ?
but that would be excruciatingly painful .
and if i separated the fat one's shoulder.  he'd probably scream.
okay, skeezix. go on. get outta here.
no, no. don't follow me. i'm an asshole. go away.
aw, shit.
awright. move it. let's go.
so. you live in the area? what's your major .  ?
sam, today is the first day .  of the rest of my life.
good stuff.
okay. let's do it. how much?
for all of it.
yeah. and maybe a nice big six-footer to put it under.
that much, huh? okay. let's see what i got.
twenty, forty, sixty --
wait, wait .  shutup. i'm losin count. where was i? oh, yeah.  .  eight, ninety, ninety-five, ninety-six, ninety-seven.  .  ninety-seven-fifty. sixty. seventy-five. okay, there's ninety-eight dollars and twenty cents.
c'mon. i'm almost there. gimme a minute to --
oh, jesus .  i can't afford that. not on my salary. look.  let's do this instead .  i take your complete stash, okay? i take it all. for free. and you assholes go to jail.
i could read you your rights, but .  nah. you guys know what your rights are.
you callin' me crazy!? you think i'm crazy! you, wanna see crazy? i'll show you crazy! this is crazy!
that's a real badge. i'm a real cop. and this is a real gun. face down on the ground. arms and legs out. do it now!
shoot him! shoot him!
fuck you! shoot him! shoot him!
do it, asshole. pull the trigger. pull the trigger.
shoot him! kill him! pull the trigger! . waste him! shoot me! kill him!!
sam, every day .  in every way .  i'm getting better and better.
i try.
yes.
maybe.
it was a lean year.
what is?
yes. i know.
bad manners, man.
don't hurt yourself.
military switched from colt to beretta in 1985. it's a better piece. wide ejection port, no feed jams, no stovepipes.
fifteen in the mag, one up the pipe. you carry a wheelgun?
lot of old-timers carry that.
file don't lie. look, friend, let's cut the shit. we both know why i was transferred. everyone thinks i'm suicidal, in which case i'm fucked and no one wants to work with me. or they think i'm faking to draw a psycho pension, in which case i'm fucked and no one wants to work with me. basically, i'm fucked.
what?
then don't.
terrific.
hate him back. works for me.
thinking about it.
whoops. shit.
this one is the last cigarette i'll ever smoke. trick i learned from my dad. i smoke all i want, but when i smoke this one .  i'm through.
want me to drive?
anyone who drives in los angeles is suicidal.
he said you owed him. what did he mean?
that was nice of him.
this is great. i love this job.
i can handle this.
i've done it before.
sure. bring him in.
my name is riggs.
i can't do that. what's your name?
i'm not a psychologist.
homicide cop.
at least tell me your name. look, i gotta fill out the little piece of paper. okay?
thanks. 'preciate it. that m -- c .  ?
why are you doing this?
fair enough. i'm coming out. take it easy.
ssshhh. easy. i'm just going to talk.
i understand.
you're not the first guy to think of this, you know. everyone's got problems.
wrong. you're wrong. i almost tried this once. seriously. my wife. got killed in a car crash. only person i ever cared about. i never had kids.
this is her picture.
i'm trying to tell you i understand, you dope.
i know that. not like you're murdering anyone.
same way i look at it. i'm gonna stand beside you, okay?
please. this is scary stuff. just .  let me stand next to you.
i try something, we both go.
there. fuckin' cold,up here. helluva day for both of us, huh? here we are. god, this is really scary. i'm scared.
you wanna smoke? let's smoke, okay?
sorry. see this key?
we're together on this. you can go if you want. but you take me with you. makes you a murderer.
you'll be killing a cop.
i'm going inside. what say you come with me?
you wanna jump .  ? you really want to .  ? fine. let's do it.
you asked for it.
geronimoooooo .
don't .  touch me.
i controlled the jump. you wanted him down. he's down.
aw, for chrissake .
i got the job done.
what do you wanna hear, man? you wanna hear that i got a bottle of pills in my room? i do. every day i wake up, i look for a reason not to take them. doing the job, that's .  that's the reason.
i'm not afraid of it.
you shouldn't tempt me, roger.
under the chin's just as good.
so now you know.
roger --
i didn't know that.
that today was your birthday. happy birthday, roger. i mean that sincerely.
i just hope we stay alive long enough for me to buy you a present.
where we going?
take a look.
i'm thinking probable cause.
what am i, chopped liver?
no killing.
nice and easy.
no fair, the building guy lived.
no killing.
oops.
haven't killed you yet.
i bet that hurt to say.
kid's no dummy.
fine.
bourbon, if you have it.
my wife could burn water.
i was. she's dead now.
no problem.
this is good. i like this.
you know anything about boats, roger?
i mean, can you sail this thing?
that's what i thought.
i don't. that's just how they are.
now, did i mention that?
i don't know. sounds a little too neat to me.
lookin' for this?
c'mon, rog. have a heart.
right.
yeah. we resolved that your wife takes out the garbage. your daughter smokes pot, which is illegal but shouldn't be -- that you don't know from boats, and you got one hell of a family, guy.
enjoyed the meal.
you don't trust me at all, do you?
fair enough.
i do it real good, you know.
kill people .  only thing i ever did good. when i was nineteen, i did a guy in laos from a thousand yards out. rifle shot in high wind. ten guys in the world coulda made that shot. huh. only thing i was ever good at. well, see you tomorrow.
aren't we all?
no. get in the car.
how old are you?
bullshit.
younger the better. how old are you?
i want you to come home and watch television with me.
you don't know that. maybe this is how i look when i'm having a good time. maybe i'm having the best time of my life.
i don't sing.
i don't know any songs.
something through the snow, in a one-horse open sleigh .
something something ring, making something bright .
to grandma's house tonight!
i better take you back now.
good morning, roger. i've been doing a little thinking.
about the night amanda hunsak.er died.
day time?
you're seriously using ketchup?
on eggs.
heinz.
roger.
that hooker who witnessed the jump the other night. what was her name?
right, and she's in century city witnessing amanda hunsaker's suicide
right, or murder, and my question is.  what is she doing there? i called wilshire vice, that's not her usual turf.
cut me a break, it's a hunch, roger. i'm having a hunch.
7:35, and yes, i thought you'd be excited.
okay, what?
right. 'til now we assumed it was a man.
okay. disgusting, but okay: let's say dixie slipped the drain cleaner into the pills.
sure. she thinks, terrific, amanda swallows a couple downers and boom, she's dead. then dixie --
right, right, then dixie has plenty of time to spritz the place up, get out, whatever.
or dixie pushes her. either way
people are coming out to see what happened.
right. she actually stops and says, 'shit.'
or 'golly, i've been spotted.' the point being --
right. so she says, 'officer, officer, i saw the whole thing.'
right.
very thin.
your wife's cooking, i'm not surprised.
tell her that.
i would if i slept.
hey, kid. what'cha doing?
good thinking.
probably nothing.
shit.
probably nothing.
part of the device. holy cow.
artwork. this is goddamn artwork.
you don't understand. this is real pro stuff. haven't seen this since .  well, since the war.
c.i.a. used to hire mercs who used this same setup. mercury switches.
you kidding? the kid's six years old.
wanna wear the chicken suit? i got some clown makeup.
oh, brother. this is good. i like this.
we're gonna put out an a.p.b. on big bird.
attention all units. large yellow bird. silly voice.
brilliant police work? i think so.
oh, my .  .  oh, my.
whoa. what was on his arm?
pained, pained. what's he saying?
this is a tattoo.
you're sure?
special forces tattoo .  ?
yeah.
lie down!!! down!!!
i haven't even started.
i'm pissed, roger. now i'm pissed.
roger. quit looking so damn worried. i'm fine.
fuck that. two inches to the left, they would've got my smokes.
oh, by the way: guy who shot me?
same guy who shot lloyd.
i never forget an asshole.
give up? flee? go far away?
what else? we bury the fuckers. you know, we solve this, we could get famous, do shaving ads and shit.
heh. don't be a killjoy. it's friday night. let's go kick ass.
exactly.
gives us the edge, cochise. they think i'm dead, roger. i'm a corpse. and aren't they just gonna shit when i nail their butts .  ?
roger.
hey, missy.
uh-oh. not good.
who's your friend?
huh. he is a cutie.
yeah. ouch.
you know they're going to kill her.
you want her back, you've got to take her away from them.
good. we do this my way. you shoot, you shoot to kill. get as many as you can. don't miss.
we're gonna get bloody on this one. you're going to have to trust me.
what?
no one can touch me.
get half. i'll kill the other half.
here we go.
forgive me.
come in slow.
you weren't followed?
fine.
it's twelve-thirty. let's move.
thousand yards okay .  ?
come on.  come on.
come on.  move away from the girl .
no.
so is yours. general peter mcallister, commander of shadow company.
yeah. it'll almost be a shame when i kill you.
i'm thrilled.
who's the chin?
my mistake. who's the pleasant oriental psychopath?
terrific. listen, guys, can we get some mister bubble in here .
that would be a shame.
we don't know shit. you killed lloyd before he could talk.
such a deal, i should worry.
sometimes.
please, no tickling. i hate tickling.
guess we're in for a long night. 'cause i don't know scratch.
haven't you guys.  heard of yuletide cheer.  ?
i'm going to kill both of you.
fuck yourself.
no .  please .
work your circulation.
ssshhh- no time. come on.
they're all dead. let's get out of here.
get an ambulance!!
try not to breathe, you'll see pink elephants.
got away.
no dice. first thing we gotta do is get you to a hospital.
ho, ho, ho.
i'll handle it.
come on, ace. try me.
no. roger. no way.
 give it up .  your breathing's shot .
life's tough that way .  oh, by the way: fuck you.
yeah.
last chance. walk away.
fine. die.
you lose.
 right. easy. you bet .
what are you, an idiot?
s'all right. i got good news and bad news.
 good news is, i'm not dead.
 bad news is, i'm still alive .
so.
probably.
guess not. the department thinks i'm wild. i don't belong anymore. not here.
who knows .  ? maybe i can get a job on a remake of cobra.
he'd be the only one.
yeah.
yeah. sometimes it really is.
don't you dare.
you're too old to change now, colchise.
you just hang in there.
guess i'll say goodbye.
no, thanks.
merry christmas.
merry christmas. i love you.
hi.
give that to your dad. it's a present. tell him i won't be needing them anymore.
no, that's okay. you have a merry christmas, missy.
no one can touch me.
i think your daughter kinda likes me.
You'll try.