three card brag is a simple form of poker; you are dealt only three cards and these you can't change. if you don't look at your cards you're a `blind man' and you only put in half the stake. three of any kind is the highest you can get: the odds are four hundred and twenty- five to one. then it's a running flush - you know, all the same suit running in order; then a straight, then a flush, then a pair, and finally whatever the highest card you are holding. there are some tell- tale signs that are valuable; i am not going to tell you them because it took me long enough to learn them, but these can only help a player, not make one. so you want to play?
i haven't slept for forty-eight hours, got a dozen broken ribs, can feel a case of the flu coming on and . . .
if you think you're in the dark, i am in a black hole, blindfolded.
bargain, that's a bloody bargain if i ever heard one. ten pounds you say? i'll have five.
bacon!
the reason he is called bacon is he spent so much of his youth in the police station that people thought he was one of them. but he is a big boy now and it is time to move on.
nick the greek, always a pleasure. all right tom, what you been eating?
are you sure you can afford twenty-five?
bacon, the fat man and myself, and it's time to make a call to harry.
a hundred grand.
the man who decides if you can play is this man harry, or hatchet harry as some including himself like to call him.
hatchet has a colleague, a monster of a man: barry the baptist.
i still will, if you don't mind.
because it's cheap like a budgie.
he means they're thieving dogs.
i am going to the john.
why, what's up?
don't be silly dad, i wouldn't have anything to do with that.
invitations?
well we have got about a hundred thousand pretty pieces of paper with the queen on it. will that do?
samoan jo's? yon mean the pub? hold on . . .
evening frazer, phil, don. this is a bit dramatic, isn't it? is it supposed to be symbolic?
i would have brought my gloves if i had known.
yup, you must be harry? sorry, i didn't know your father.
the type of shirt that has buttons on the front and collars at the top, frazer. one hundred and fifty blind.
no frazer, it's just i'm the only classy fella you have had the pleasure of seeing in london. one hundred and seventy-five blind.
when my knees stop knocking i'll live with it. four hundred blind.
one thousand blind.
two thousand blind.
donald, do you know how to play this game? the reason i put in half the anti is because i don't know what i have got. now play, or fold.
ten grand blind.
twenty thousand open.
twenty thousand open.
fifty grand.
one hundred grand.
that is quite a raise, one hundred and fifty on my hundred.
you will what?
i think i would rather just turn them over.
i need two hundred and fifty grand.
that's if i want to see you.
i'll see ya.
unless you are going to accept twenty quid.
i knew he was bluffing, but somehow the worst card player round the table had fucked me like a frozen virgin with a pair of sevens. a series of blows to my head with a baseball bat would have been greeted with a grin compared to this. ten minutes earlier, i was two hundred thousand pounds richer; now i owed half a million.
i then explained the unfortunate position we were in. harry was going to start sizing up all our fingers in a week, 'cause he knew there was no way i could raise that kind of money on my own. harry saw it as their money on the table so it was also their debt off the table. i hate to admit it but i could have kissed the old bastard for that. if i said i wanted to settle this debt on my own it would have been a lie.
listen, i wish he would let me settle it on my own.
i'll think of something, don't worry.
hit the fuckers.
they can't report they have had all their drugs and money nicked, can they?
they don't look all that.
all right, but for christ's sake we're in the soup and this is the silver spoon. if you can think of another way to get out, let me know. it's not like we've got all the time in the world either . . . dig?
well, we hit them as soon as they come back. we'll be waiting and prepared for them.
er, bad breath, colourful language and a feather duster! . . . what do you think they will be armed with? guns, you tit!
jesus, soap, stop being such a mincer. i thought about that and.
and we will just have to find out who's going to be carrying them.
no, just one of them is in charge of them going to the job. so i assume he will still
soap, if you got a better idea to get five hundred grand in the next few days you let us know . . . in the meantime, tom, speak to nick the bubble about moving the weed.
yes?
top of the list of priorities, how nice they look.
where did they get those outfits from? haven't we got some like that, tom?
everything all right out there, tom?
where the hell are we supposed to hide?
do you want one?
why not? the whole of the british empire was built on cups of tea.
if you think i am going to war without one, you're mistaken, mate.
tie 'em up, tape 'em up, face and mouth. keys, i want the keys.
i'll meet you in the van when you have finished with handsome there.
bacon, see what we got.
i dunno, but i don't think we need him. dump him at the lights.
that's it all done, we are off.
there is nowhere else to keep it, and it's the last place they are going to look. anyway the battle's over and the war is won.
well, not a bad day's work. that takes care of harry.
i don't want that horrible shit. give it to soap. can we just lock up and get drunk now, please?
that inspires confidence, that does.
jesus, would you two stop flirting for one minute . . . after we pay hatchet, this deal puts us up near enough two hundred grand each. not bad for a day's work, i think you will agree.
bollocks! you can think about it for as long as you like. i am panicking and i am off mate.
it's either that, my old boy's place, and we lose a digit daily. i am going to call him.
he'll care all right. that was going to be his money. whether he cares about us is different. pass your phone.
it's ed, if that's what you mean.
i wanted to talk to you about that.
well what?
he said he thinks we have paid him, and he wants to talk about those guns . . . now.
listen, if he has the guns he might have the money . . . i think we should go and see him.
you and me, tom.
tom, this is our case.
this is our money, tom! . . . now i think we should go.
tom, don't mess around, let's go.
tom?
i don't know, but what i do know is that there's no more harry, which means there's no more debt, and if there's no more debt there's no more problem, and there's no more problem with our neighbours because they are all dead. i think, if i get this right, we haven't done anything wrong anyway, which means we are in the clear.
if you think you're in the dark, i am in a black hole, blindfolded.
the traffic warden went to the morgue and recognized dog and his lot so that put us sort of in the clear. they got no case against us because there is no evidence against us.
and tom took care of them.
the only item that connects us with the crime is sitting in your car which is sitting outside?
tom, go and throw those guns off a bridge.
the silly sod.
thank you.
there's nothing in it!
I mean it's fucking empty.